Fantasizing about someone else by accident?!

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ShepardMeOLord

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Hello,
I am a young mother and wife. I had a huge crush on a friend when i was in high school. As a matter of fact, I had originally be- friended my husband in order to get to know his best friend! lol :o

Anyways his best friend was our best man at our wedding, and has remained very close and intertwined w ours. Recently he moved back here from out of state and we are seeing much more of him again. I thought i noticed an akward tension between us but brushed it off. Last weekend he and a bunch of old college and high school buddies and my sisters all got togther here to catch up. We are usually a dry house but for this occassion we allowed them to bring some beer. DH and all his friends got pretty drunk ( I did not- im not much for drinking) and as the night wore on DH best friend beame a little more comfortable around me and started touching my shoulder when he was talking to me, then my lower back and knee (when sitting down) he was very in my personal space/bubble and then when I bent over to shoot on the table he slapped my rear end! everyone started laughing and i was quite caught off gaurd. DH was there and laughed too saying he was just being silly cuz he was too drunk to realize it and it was al in good fun. later on the night (early morning maybe 2-3am) everyone was falling asleep and he asked em if I ever wondered what would ahve happened if when i had given my number to my husband to give to his friend (the guy i am spekaing about) if my current hubby had actually given his friend my number like i asked him to instead of calling me himself 🤷 He immedly followed that up with DH is my best friend, i would neevr want to see anything hapen to u gys, and I am so happy you guys are happy. I guess i just wonder sometimes because we are pushing 30 and I am still single,a nd wonder what if.

I woke up at 6am to use the bathroom and DH friend was backing out of our driveway. everyone else stayed but he left early. I texted him that day to ask if he got home safe and he was rather cold to me. I tried talking to him about saturday 2 days ago and he said he drank too much and had no memory of it. :confused: Howvere, DH asked me last night if I still had feelings for his friend and said he was alittle shocked at how his usually in control friend had behaved. he also asked me if I ever wodered “what if.” I reassured him that I love him dearly and i am with the right guy. …
my sister visited yesterday and jokingly said “hey ___husbands name, I didnt realize you were so easy going about other guys slapping my sisters rear end! you seem waaay to territotrial for that! " DH seemed uncomfy and said he didnt actually remebr that happening?? and had been referring to how his friend was touching my lower back and hips etc NOT that he had spanked me. My sister laughing said oh geez, you could cut the sexual tension between her and ur friend with a knife!” and now DH seems unsettled. Last night I went out of my way to be really pasionate with him to try to reconnect and show him that I am all about him, but his friend kept poking into my mind :eek: I wasnt trying to think about him, he just kept showing up when I least expected it. I feel soooo awful. I prayed about it, I dont dare tell DH. I know he is already feeling uneasy about this. after i fell asleep i dreamt about his friend too. how do i stop this from occuring??!! Its like I cant control when he pops in ym head!
 
You cannot control thoughts that pop into your head, but you can choose immediately to put those thoughts aside and not dwell on them (at least to the best of your ability). As long as you are not intending to think about your husband’s friend, you have done nothing wrong in that regard. And in my opinon it is better if you do not tell your husband that his friend is popping into your head in that way. I don’t see any good that could come of telling him.

However, it does sound like it would be good to have a serious discussion with your husband about his friend, especially about making sure that appropriate boundaries are set. For example, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to invite this friend to your house and serve him large amounts of alcohol again. 🙂
 
Never try to stop a thought. When it comes up, replace it with its opposite. The old example is that you can’t comply if someone tells you “Don’t think of an elephant.” If that is what you want to achieve, you tell yourself instead “Think of predators.” If you’re trying to think of predators, you can barely get the idea of an elephant to stay in your head if you try.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.** Phil 4:8**

Whatever you do, do not think of this friend as some kind of competition for your husband, and never talk about him or anyone else to anyone in those terms. If you’re around this friend, think of his some-day wife, and how much you want to meet her, how you hope you are friends. Think of her in your mind as a close friend, someone who is very good for him, someone you’ll be able to talk to as if you were this friend’s sister. This friend, meanwhile, ought to be in the slot in your brain where your father, FIL, and brothers live. If you keep driving it into your head that this fellow is like a blood relative, the idea of anything sexual between you will become not so much a temptation to be resisted, but more like something incestuous. That’s what you’re after: Ewww and Ick. (If this guy didn’t think of you as a sister during moments when he wasn’t so drunk he’d make passes at his own mother, why didn’t he pursue you in high school? He’s either a brother or he is a fool. If your husband presses the point, tell your husband you came to that conclusion, and you decided to go with “brother” as the more charitable choice, but that since you got the best in the end, it is all a moot point. Best friend is a brother to you now; if he ever wanted more, he blew his chance when he had it. Too bad for him.)

Let there be two kinds of men in the world, then: Your husband and men you think of as you’d think of a blood relative or a priest. After that, do not worry about silly dreams. Think of everyone in your dreams as a metaphor, with no literal reality…that’s probably what they are.

Oh, and go back to not drinking so much. Everyone starts thinking nonsense, everything is remembered falsely or not at all, and no one needs that. Do not get drunk on wine, in which lies debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.** Eph 5:18**
 
You need to stay away from the friend. No matter how close all of you once were you and your husband cannot have friends that are not friends of the marriage. And frankly, touching you like that, drunk or not, and asking you such forward questions is not being a friend to the marriage. Forget about him and focus on the man that you did marry, the one that you love, the one you have a life with and are bound to until death do you part.

Catholics call it avoiding a near occasion of sin. I call it using common sense to make the best possible decisions for you, your family, and your marriage. But the concept is the same, and whatever you call it you should do it.
 
Not saying the friend has risen to the level of an intrusive, obsessive thought, but one technique is to allow yourself a certain amount of time each day to dwell on the thought.

Block the thought before and after that time span but give yourself permission to think about it during that time.

After a while, you will be able to reduce the time and eventually control it.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
And frankly, touching you like that, drunk or not, and asking you such forward questions is not being a friend to the marriage.
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Agreed. He was out of bounds, and your husband should have stepped up and kindly, gently, confidently intervened. And, frankly, you should not have put up with it, either.
 
on_the_hill said:
Agreed. He was out of bounds, and your husband should have stepped up and kindly, gently, confidently intervened. And, frankly, you should not have put up with it, either.
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I get the impression that the husband was one of the ones asleep…
 
No, hubby was laughing along with the others when the “friend” slapped her rear end.

(this almost has a whiff of troll about it…):rolleyes:
 
on_the_hill said:
Not saying the friend has risen to the level of an intrusive, obsessive thought, but one technique is to allow yourself a certain amount of time each day to dwell on the thought.

Block the thought before and after that time span but give yourself permission to think about it during that time.

After a while, you will be able to reduce the time and eventually control it.
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I have never heard of this technique. It sounds very much counter-intuitive. Have you found it helpful?
 
on_the_hill said:
No, hubby was laughing along with the others when the “friend” slapped her rear end.
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Oh dear. New Years Eve one of my fiance’s friends did that to me after a few drinks. My 6’6 fiance was not laughing…I don’t know exactly what was said or done, but they went outside for what I assume was a harsh conversation. The guy has been nothing but a perfect, respectful gentleman since.
 
EasterJoy said:
I have never heard of this technique. It sounds very much counter-intuitive. Have you found it helpful?
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Yes.

I get intrusive thoughts with unfortunate frequency. Not of this nature, however.

One of the counter-intuitive ways the brain often works is to focus on exactly the thing we’re trying to ignore.
 
on_the_hill said:
Yes.

I get intrusive thoughts with unfortunate frequency. Not of this nature, however.

One of the counter-intuitive ways the brain often works is to focus on exactly the thing we’re trying to ignore.
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Thank you. That is very interesting. Yes, the brain is marvelous and has ways of its own, this is absolutely true!
 
If another man slapped my wife’s rear, I would have been incredibly pissed - “friend” or not. Not sure what I would have done, but I would not have laughed.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
You need to stay away from the friend. No matter how close all of you once were you and your husband cannot have friends that are not friends of the marriage. And frankly, touching you like that, drunk or not, and asking you such forward questions is not being a friend to the marriage. Forget about him and focus on the man that you did marry, the one that you love, the one you have a life with and are bound to until death do you part.

Catholics call it avoiding a near occasion of sin. I call it using common sense to make the best possible decisions for you, your family, and your marriage. But the concept is the same, and whatever you call it you should do it.
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I agree with this entirely. I had a huge crush on my wife’s best friend before I met my wife. If there were any lingering feelings whatsoever, I wouldn’t maintain any contact with her. At the same time, if there were any similar feelings, lingering or otherwise, between my wife and any of my friends, I’d cut ties with them. Not only is it a near occasion of sin, but it’s disrespectful to the spouse and the marriage. Plus, if you also have kids, how will it look to them if they catch something like this going on?
 
What worries me is that I wonder how much in love with your husband you really are. Maybe he was a safe choice? Just by the fact that he didn’t respect himself enough to stand up to his friend screams ‘nice, safe guy’ to me.

This is more than a passing infatuation. You have been in love with this other guy for years, and still seem disappointed that your husband didn’t give your number to him.

And after the party you were texting him (worried about his safety?..hmmm); and tried to talk to him again on some Saturday. This after he came onto you and threatened your marriage.

I think you need to discontinue all contact with this guy. No talking; no texting; no visiting…nothing. Your husband should discontinue contact as well if he’s smart; just so that there is no possible occasion of you two seeing each other ever again.

Also, your husband needs to man-up a bit. What kind of man lets another man caress and grope his wife? That must have caused you to lose some respect for him whether you care to admit it or not.

I feel bad for you. Your marriage is going to need a great deal of prayer to survive I think.
 
Thank you for all the posts! 🙂

Couple of things I’d like to say, first, i LOVE the idea of replacing the idea with the opposite idea…the ex of the elephant. whata great idea I would have not thought of this on my own! 👍

Second, I am not sure how I would sever all ties being that he is not only my husband’s best friend btu also one of our children’s god fathers. which answers the Q, yes, we have children. 5 of them! 😃

Third, I would like to say I 100% disagree that I chose DH as a ‘safe’ bet. On the contrary, he is a very alpha male type personality, and a bit of a hot ticket. Safe, would def NOT be the word I would use to describe him 😉

Fourth, the reason I textedhim later after he left was because when he left was only a couple hours after he had finished drinking. EVERYONE else was still a bit drunk, hence spending the night. I texted him to make sure he wasn’t in a ditch somewhere.

I do agree that I think I am a little disappointed (maybe more then a little?) that DH didn’t say anything. I brought it up to him after, and he stated very matter of factly that he thinks of his best friend like a brother, and trusts me 100% so dioesnt think he has anything to fear. He said if it had been someone else he would ahve said something (and has int he past when he felt someone waws too rude with me or using profane language w me etc) I asked if it bothered him that he was touching my lower back etc, and he said no because he hasnt seen his friend that drunk in close to 10 years and thinks his buddy just needed leverage to not weave or fall. :confused: lol

I just want to clarify that I was never IN LOVE with DH friend as someone posted. I was on the cheerleading squad, my husband was captain, and his friend was his quarterback. I thought he was cute when i was 16 and wanted to get to know him, thats the reason i gave my huby my number to give to his friend back then. I had our 5th baby this year, maybe hearing his friend say those things reminded me of a simpler time, and reminded me of the fact that I am not just a 27 yr old mother of 5. lol I just didn’t like how he was popping up where I didn’t want him to, and maybe also the fact that DH didnt say anything. i guess I wonder if DH doesnt think i am pretty enough still that any other man would find me as anything but a mother!? 🤷
 
Groo said:
What worries me is that I wonder how much in love with your husband you really are. Maybe he was a safe choice? Just by the fact that he didn’t respect himself enough to stand up to his friend screams ‘nice, safe guy’ to me.

This is more than a passing infatuation. You have been in love with this other guy for years, and still seem disappointed that your husband didn’t give your number to him.

And after the party you were texting him (worried about his safety?..hmmm); and tried to talk to him again on some Saturday. This after he came onto you and threatened your marriage.

I think you need to discontinue all contact with this guy. No talking; no texting; no visiting…nothing. Your husband should discontinue contact as well if he’s smart; just so that there is no possible occasion of you two seeing each other ever again.

Also, your husband needs to man-up a bit. What kind of man lets another man caress and grope his wife? That must have caused you to lose some respect for him whether you care to admit it or not.

I feel bad for you. Your marriage is going to need a great deal of prayer to survive I think.
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This is a bit extreme, to say the least. I think if they all stay sober and the wife doesn’t give herself permission to have moon dreams about some guy she once, long ago had a crush on and who might actually hit on her if he gets too much to drink in the future, they’re going to be fine. IOW, never playing with fire or being neglectful even for a minute around a fire is not the same as trying to live somewhere fire doesn’t exist. She knows she wants her husband…in fact, she’s freaked out because she’s afraid this issue is weird, something that couldn’t hapeen to a good Catholic, or isn’t something that can be coped with using a sensible strategy and a firm will. Well, it is something that can happen to good Catholics who are not good about avoiding too much liquor or thoughts that are a near occasion of sin.

With some common sense and the backbone to do what is right, she and her husband will be fine. If the friend doesn’t start looking for future excuses not to keep his hands to himself, it can be safely presumed that he is (or would be, if he remembered what he did) mortified at the thought he might have ruined a lifelong friendship with a couple who trusted him to be a good Catholic role model for one of their children in order to cop a squeeze of this trusting best friend’s wife. If the incident is not repeated, they should pass it over. If anyone brings it up, they should say, “Apparently, we had way too much to drink, because that is not what we remember. We need to let that not happen again! Remind me of that if I ever get started drinking that much again, OK? If I was ever young enough to make a fool of myself like you say I did, I’m too old for it now.”

St. Paul was telling the Ephesians like it is. Chalk this up to too much drinking being a very bad idea.
 
Thank you Easter Joy, you understood exactly what I was trying to convey about how could this being happening to me when I love my husband and we have a prayerful solid marriage!?! Your thoughtful posts have really made me feel a lot better. And as an aside, no dreams about said friend last night, and I enjoyed my hubby again this morning with no intrusivethoughts what so ever. 👍

Thanks again!
 
JamesJoseph1 said:
but why would you risk your marriage for someone you do not even know and could be only passion and nothing else?

Regards
James
personal injury claim
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It isn’t a habit of hers. They were all drinking too much–this friend, the OP, her husband–and did and said foolish things not rooted in reality, let alone common sense. Apparently no one was sober enough to step in and guide them away from themselve. As a result, there was a lot of monumentally bad decision-making, not to mention Monday-morning quarterbacking from people who chose to stay on the sidelines at the time.

Obviously, I think the person who said “oh geez, you could cut the sexual tension between her and ur friend with a knife” and who did nothing at the time was just as unmoored from her common sense as anyone else there. She’s talking as if she found it entertaining to rubber-neck at a train wreck, and train carrying people she loved, at that! (If she wasn’t drinking, she wouldn’t be my first choice as a designated driver, let’s just say that.)
 
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