Fantasy "husband" vs. real one

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Miranda27

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As a married 41-year-old woman, is it wrong to dream about being in love with an **imaginary **man? I’ve had an imaginary friend (who is and has always been my ‘husband’ in my fantasy) most of my life. I’m not under any delusions, am able to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and clearly understand that he only exists in my imagination.

Over the course of 30 years, I have built up quite a vivid “scenario” surrounding this imaginary person: he has a name, hobbies, career, comes from a wonderful Catholic family, strong Catholic values, and is good looking of course. Fantasy guy is my “best friend” providing love, encouragement, support, advice, joy, etc. He tickles my funny bone and makes me laugh (sometimes out loud). On a conscious level, I know this is just ME making ME laugh, providing myself with encouragement, etc. perhaps “compensating” for what I don’t get in the real world.

Regarding my **real **husband: he’s a good Catholic man who I married 6 years ago in the Catholic Church and he’s my best friend (in the real world). We both love the Catholic Church and strive to live holy lives according to all the teachings of the Church. We go to mass together, pray together, have lots of fun together, agree on all the fundamentals of the Faith, and hope that God blesses us with children before it’s too late (we’re both in our early 40s). We’re very flirtatious with each other, but the only “problem” is that I’m not physically attracted to him and never have been. (I was hoping he’d become attractive to me over time, but that hasn’t happened, esp. as we get older.)

The problem is I’m utterly unable to let go of “fantasy husband.” I thought he would naturally fade away once I got married, but that hasn’t happened. I once tried to “suppress” him, but I feel like the best part of me “dies” when I consciously choose to stop thinking about him. I get emotionally depressed, can’t do it for long, and frankly, don’t really want to. After all, imaginary husband has been with me all my life (long before my real husband), brings out the best in me, challenges me in positive, uplifting, fun, creative ways.

The fantasy world doesn’t interfere much with my regular life – I have a good education, a good stable job, financially responsible, good parents/upbringing, and an otherwise fairly happy marriage. However, on some level, I feel guilty of preferring “fantasy husband” to real husband when my real husband isn’t what I want/need him to be. I try “transference” techniques to project my “love” for my fantasy husband onto my real husband so that I don’t neglect him (because I do care about him). My real husband has no idea I do this but the net effect is positive. It varies, but on average I probably spend about 45 minutes a day “living” and having mental conversations in my fantasy world.

The question is… is it “adulterous” to dream about a fantasy guy and often preferring him to the real one? Do I need to consider this a sin and confess this? Can anyone who is married relate to this? Does anyone else have imaginary spouses?
 
Miranda27 said:
…but on average I probably spend about 45 minutes a day “living” and having mental conversations in my fantasy world.
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Compared to the many hours per day many of us squander in fantasy worlds like Second Life, the Sims and WoW, 45 minutes is commendable.

I don’t see how having imaginary husband is adulterous. A bit of an outlier, perhaps, but sinful? In my opinion using your imagination to create and converse with an imaginary husband isn’t sinful. If it were, tens of thousands of fiction writers would be in holy hot water.

Luna
 
You know, as I read through your post, I was thinking, “She really should write a book or books, do something productive with this fantasy.” One night, after a particularly disappointing evening with My Real Husband ;), I spent a little while before I went to sleep having an encounter with My Ideal Husband. (That somehow sounds like something the Japanese robot inventors might make…hmmmm…

Anyway, I had never thought about giving words to the longing in my heart and mind, for someone who would “get it,” and would understand and respond in that loving way we women crave. I actually just imagined My Real Husband saying all the things I want him to say, hugging me, rubbing my back, not expecting sex from it, etc. etc. It was fun, and I thought, “hmmmm, I wonder if this is how people write novels.” I’ve written poetry and short stories, but never a novel. I didn’t have the attention span to continue to do this, though, and I have a problem with expecting My Real Husband to act like My Ideal Husband anyway, so I thought it might be unwise to continue the fantasy. Maybe I just don’t have the right sort of imagination? 🤷

Does “fantasy husband” also age as you do? Or does he stay forever young and virile? I would think that would make a difference - the comparison to the perfect man in your head will become a wide gulf as the real hubby ages. But then again, fantasy man might have to dig older women pretty soon…😉

A couple of things to think about.

This is obviously starting to bother you. It’s not like you just carry on with your parallel life and aren’t worried. You see that the fantasy man might be causing you to compare your very real and very human husband to a dream, a phantom. That is causing you distress. When something you’re doing starts to cause internal conflict and distress, it’s time to give a serious look at the problem. Which you are doing.

And second, like any other kind of addict, you have tried to stop doing this mental personal Sim World, and you can’t. You have symptoms, you feel distress, and you want to start it again as soon as possible. Now that you are married to a real man, you see that your fantasy might be a negative factor in your marriage, yet…you’ve been doing this so long, you really can’t quit.

I have to ask…Do you and Fantasy Man have sex? Or is he just a best friend/chum kind of figure, like a girlfriend but with a hairy chest?
 
If my husband had an imaginary wife it would break my heart and if I found out he had married me while entertaining this fantasy then I would feel that he had married me under faulse pretences.

Also it it very sad to hear you describe how like minded you are your husband are on matters of faith… Do you have any idea how many Christian women and men for that matter would give their right arm to be in that position with their spouse (me included),

Matthew 5:27-28 condemns feelings of lust experienced by a man towards a woman. Jesus is recorded as saying:
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"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
This is what you are doing the fact that you are looking upon this other man only in your own imagination makes no difference.

Go to confession, talk to your priest about it. You need spiritual and emotional support to get over this but get over it you must.

The sooner you see the priest the better.
 
See if you can map the image of your fantasy husband on the face of your real one (I don’t quite mean give him a mental face lift - just try to find the qualities of your fantasy in your reality). It could be they are the same guy and you’re just struggling to realize it.

For my part, I acknowledge having a fantasy wife and a real one. Although, it’s not quite in the same way you describe. My fantasy wife is my expectations of what my real wife does.
 
bcprincess said:
If my husband had an imaginary wife it would break my heart and if I found out he had married me while entertaining this fantasy then I would feel that he had married me under faulse pretences.

Also it it very sad to hear you describe how like minded you are your husband are on matters of faith… Do you have any idea how many Christian women and men for that matter would give their right arm to be in that position with their spouse (me included),
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See, although I see validity in both perspectives offered, I do tend to see it more how you see it.

I’m not sure if this “fantasy husband” thing is sinful, but I’d imagine it’s probably quite unhealthy for the relationship. No man can be as handsome, as funny, as understanding or as perfect as this phantom, and so that’s an awfully high standard to live up to.

The thing is, Miranda has been doing this most of her life, and has over the years essentially created and developed an imaginary man with a personality in her head, investing a lot of emotional energy into him and possibly allowing herself to become emotionally attached to him in a similar way one might with a real man, which can preclude a healthy emotional attachment forming in reality.

I can’t imagine it would be easy to let this go, so I think she needs to find some sort of way to reconcile her imagination with reality, although I have no suggestions as to how that could be done.
 
Folks, if the genders were reversed – if OP was a married GUY who droned on about how he pined for his “fantasy wife,” he’d get 1000% BLASTED as a sinner, an adulterer, someone who ought to work on his marriage to his really wonderful, long-suffering actual wife, etc. He’d be reminded that he made a vow to God. He might get told to “man up.” He’d be accused of having an “emotional affair.”

And this ought to be no different.

IMHO, is what OP doing a sin? IMHO yes. It’s fantasizing about being married to someone other than her husband. The fact that the fantasy doesn’t involve sexual penetration does not render it not a fantasy. Such a fantasy also results in husband’s degradation; he’s constantly being compared to, and found wanting compared to, a nonexistant but nonetheless better man. It’s at a minimum hurtful and insulting to a husband who OP describes as a wonderful man whose only crime is being unattractive to OP – but he was from the start, and OP married him with her eyes open. I might add that OP was not married at 18 years old to this man and can’t claim naivety, etc.

At a minimum it is at least a near occasion of sin. ANY fantasy like this IMHO is also a bit of a gateway in that it paves the way for other more sinful activities. It makes OP tend to want to really find this “fantasy person,” when what she ought to do is communicate how she’d like to be treated. It’s also a very short leap from “I wish I were married to this man,” to “I wish I could have sex with this other man.” Problem is, it seems like she’s already treated pretty well, MUCH better than many wives, and yet wants more.

So I’m sorry to be harsh, OP, but IMHO your fantasies are counterproductive and hurtful to your husband; your marriage; and God. See your REAL husband for who he is; love him; and be married to him, ALONE. Period.
 
When I took vows with my husband I promised to forsake all others.

Even fantasy others.

Get a counselor. Ditch this guy. Despite how you feel, the best part of you will not die.
 
You need to get some professional counseling. Please don’t delay.
 
I can’t answer for 1ke, but I advised “get a counselor” because the OP describes very persistent and disordered behavior.
 
TO, you’re wrong. Children have imaginary friends. Then they grow our of them. OP engages at least 45 minutes a day with an imaginary husband. She’s 40. When she tries to quit, she feels like the best part of her is dying.

OP feels her fantasy husband is the best part of her.

This is disordered.
 
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Thought_Officer:
What guides your opinion that she should get counselling?
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She has serious issues that need professional evaluation and guidance.
 
TO, you’re wrong. Children have imaginary friends. Then they grow our of them. OP engages at least 45 minutes a day with an imaginary husband. She’s 40. When she tries to quit, she feels like the best part of her is dying.

OP feels her fantasy husband is the best part of her.

This is disordered.

As for the difference between OP and me: you’ve vastly underestimated it. I don’t have a fantasy husband or friend. I don’t spend 45 plus minutes a day in an imaginary existence.

Your assertion that ’ the only difference…’ is wrong too.
 
TO, are you inferring a proper use of imagination is bigamy? In the OPs mind she has 2 husbands.

I’m a big fan of objective reality. Lookee here:

Q: what makes blue blue?

A: objective reality.

Q: What makes persistent fantasy, of the type that cessation makes the participant experience something death-like, disordered?

Q: Objective reality.

That’s all I got for you, buddy. You might dance out a few psych book quotes, but I hope the OP isn’t mollified by them. I hope she gets help.
 
Well, I’m gonna say that this is pretty normal behavior.:o I know I have, in the past, “made up” the perfect man in my head and actually spent time fantasizing about it. Sometimes more than I care to admit. 😊 I have even done it several years into my marriage…but not anymore. Why? Because Jesus says we can sin in our thoughts.

Bottom line, I think some people just have a much more active imagination then others. I would say that this would be true for myself…and obviously for the OP too.
 
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Thought_Officer:
This is a good point of entry: what is the OP being helped with other than your issues with her fantasy?

What will be improved upon after the OP “get’s help?”

She’s 40 years old, and has had this fantasy a long time. If her life isn’t falling to shambles by now, what awful thing are you anticipating that she needs saving from?
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One’s life need not be in shambles for one to benefit from counseling.

She reports feeling guilt over her preference for the imaginary character over her husband. Alternatively, she reports feeling a great loss when she tries to forget the imaginary character. So although she may be an intelligent and capable woman, it appears her situation would benefit from outside professional assistance.
 
Yes, as I said in my response to her, this is no longer functional behavior (if it ever was). It is disrupting her life with her husband and is troubling her. She tried to quit doing it but could not. Both of those are hallmarks of an addiction. If she was not the least bit troubled by her fantasy, she would not have come here asking for feedback.

I think behavior modification would be more helpful than analysis - who cares why she started doing this, she just needs to phase it out of her life at this point.
 
Thought Officer;9098092 said:
modern
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mental health practice. Just FYI.

No, that is untrue. In fact, change has almost no relationship to knowing the historical reasons why one is acting in a dysfunctional manner. It is radical treatment in the psychological world, but it works. Of course analytical psychologists would disagree with behavior-change therapy. It eliminates most of their profession. 🙂

But it works.
 
Nothing wrong with an active imagination but yours has sort have gone out of control. Sounds like you’ve built up some fantasy of what the perfect spouse should be and are afraid to let go of it. We all have our failings and no one will ever measure up against perfect so before you sabatage your marriage I would find a councilor and work on some way to let go of invisible husband. Someone suggested maybe writing that might be a good outlet for your imagination. Maybe try a creative writing class and see if that helps. I come from a family of artists an know that if the creative inclinations aren’t expressed and exercised it can sometimes cause problems such getting easily bored or frustrated. Use your gift of imagination on something constructive. Maybe volunteer or work with kids…I think working with kids takes a lot of imagination.
 
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