Father Cheating

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I can’t believe the advice being given. It was probably a mortal sin for you to read your father’s e mails. I have seen terrible damage done by people reading others’ mails. (This would take us off the subject.) I think you should butt out. You are not legitimately involved.
Leave you father and mother to their own devices.
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Sorry, but affairs do involve the whole family, not just the spouses & lover. It actually involves extended family as well. I have brothers who have divorced & it hurt all of us, not just them.
I don’t think reading the e-mails was a mortal sin. You should ask a priest though.
How long should the OP watch as their mother is clueless? How do you think the mother would feel perhaps years down the road knowing the OP knew about the affair but didn’t bother to tell her? What if the mother contracts an STD because the OP decides to butt out?
I vote for telling your mom. Let her confront your dad & deal with it.
 
Gotta say –

Mr. Miller writes:

“I can’t believe the advice being given. It was probably a mortal sin for you to read your father’s e mails.”

This so wrong as to be insulting on many levels.

–Mr. Miller, I can’t believe you would ever dare judge the state of someone else’s soul, because OP read emails left on an open computer which he clearly had routine use of.

–For that matter, Mr. Miller, you ought to remember that these boards are read by lurkers, people investigating the Catholic faith, and even anti-Catholics. I can think of few better ways to scream to the masses “all Catholics are judgmental, heartless, sin obsessed loons!” than to say, to an emotionally upset, well-intentioned OP, who came here looking for good advice, “OP is DAMNED - for all ETERNITY ABSENT CONFESSION – because OP READ E-MAILS!!!” Yet that is exactly what you’ve has done – said that OP is probably in mortal sin.

The fact is, Mr. Miller, you have absoluely no knowledge of the state of OP’s soul. Shame, shame, sir, for managing to tarr all Catholics with a dirty brush, and for giving such insensitive and thoroughly worthless “advice” to a clearly well-meaning child.
 
Almost all of you think the OP is a “she” I know not why???
Whereas the last poster (among his many wild exaggerations) this it was written by a child.
I am inclined to think troll. It doesn’t ring true.
 
First thing: go talk to your priest. He probably won’t “tell” you what you should do, but it will help clear your mind and you’ll feel better getting it out.

From there, hopefully you’ll be able to think with a clearer mind and feel what to do next. No one can tell you what you should do.

Growing up: I hid my mother’s affairs from my dad, for years. I accompanied her to many of them. It was extremely difficult. I understand not wanting to rock the boat, be “the one” that tears your family apart. It’s already happened. And you are not the one to blame. This is not your fault.

In my situation. My father found out eventually. I didn’t tell. But he used me as a tool, made me tell, made me show him where he lived. To this day, I’m not sure if I should have told him, or kept it to myself like I did. But now, I’m going to counseling to resolve it. So I feel better about my choices.

Talk to someone. Talk to your priest. Talk to a safe person. But just know whatever happens to your family was not your fault.
 
I thought about this some more. I think it is better to tell Mom and not Dad, and let Mom have some time to digest the information and grieve in private if that’s what she prefers, and confront in her time, perhaps after some reflection or advice.
 
iWillHope said:
… My dad is married and I just can’t tell my mom. She is so kind, caring, loving, and fragile. If I confronted him and told my mom, it would break her heart. I love my family and I just can’t stand the fact that this is happening. Please pray for us…
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I stand by my first comment that the OP should first ask a priest about the morality of using information which was obtained by reading private correspondence. But, given that, I have something to add.

The word “fragile” has been going round in my mind since I first read this, and I feel now that I must post my thoughts.

What I am about to say IS ONLY HYPOTHETICAL. I am certainly not trying to diagnose a marriage beyond the little info we have in the OP.

I was married for ten years and I throughout that time I saw my wife as “kind, caring, loving, and fragile” and I think that any outsider would have seen the same, and our children too. It was only after my wife left me (for another man) and wreaked havoc on myself and the children that my eyes were opened. Throughout our marriage SHE WAS THE BOSS!! She had a will of steel, often feigning “fragility” (tears and temper) to get what she wanted, by making me feel that I was an ogre unless I gave in to every demand.

How is this relevant? If it applies (and that is a big “if”) then the very worst thing the OP can do is tell mom, as I’ll now explain…

If this picture applies then I expect the husband is miserable and doesn’t know that the source of his misery is an unhappy marriage. He has spent years trying to please his wife, and all he gets for it is increased demands. Recently he has met someone who makes him happy. But, he is a Catholic, and he is going thru turmoil, knowing that what he is doing is wrong. Hopefully, he will decide to reject the temptation and stay with his wife and family, and, eventually the other frictions in the marriage will take their course. But, if the OP tells her discovery to her mom, and her mom then confronts him, he will be completely crushed. Every shred of dignity which he had left will be taken from him. The decision that he might have made on his own (to be loyal to his vows) will now be forced on him. He will also have been deeply shamed in front of his wife and daughter, and his domineering wife will have ammunition which she will use to keep him in his place for the rest of his life, and give her licence to be unfaithful herself (maybe sexually, or maybe another way).

Again, only hypothetical, but it can be read into the OP scenario. It is a “worst case” outcome for the consequences of telling her mom, but I think it is also realistic and possible. If it matches then the best thing is for the OP say nothing to mom, and probably not tell dad either, but let things take their own course.

But it is unlikely that the OP is in a position to diagnorse her parent’s marriage, and nobody here is either, which would then go back to saying nothing as the default position.

But, please ask a priest. As lebe said, above, “He probably won’t “tell” you what you should do, but it will help clear your mind and you’ll feel better getting it out.”
 
James_Miller said:
Almost all of you think the OP is a “she” I know not why???
Whereas the last poster (among his many wild exaggerations) this it was written by a child.
I am inclined to think troll. It doesn’t ring true.
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👍

I’m starting to think “troll” too. I notice that the OP is literate enough to find this forum, post a brief and moving story, put an emotive picture on it (the 😦 ), and then just leave us to fight it out.

Until we get a response from the OP, I’m inclined to not touch this any further.
 
YOU NEED to tell your Mom… wouldn’t you feel horribly guilty if you found out she contracted HIV/AIDS because he was cheating on her and she didn’t know? There’s nothing to confront your Dad about, because he’s doing it, and he knows it’s wrong. Don’t hide things like this from your Mother. Please, for her sake don’t keep it from her. Good luck.
 
ok this may sound a bit crazy but bear with me. I think the best way to approach this is to confront your dad first. I know you have disappeared so probably you’re too ashamed or haven’t decided what to do yet.

First I would gather as much information about this woman as possible, so it’s not only about this “woman”. Try to find out where she’s from, do an email trace if you need and find out where she lives (may be she’s in a different part of the country). Then approach your dad and tell him, “I know of that woman from city, I hope you will do the right thing dad”. May be he’s torn himself and all he needs is a little push from you to bring him to the good side.

Gosh I feel bad giving advise like this and I hope it’s the right one, but it’s the one that definitely seems to make the most sense.
 
My dad’s an adulterer. He’s been living with his mistress since '99.

It was an awful situation. Your’s is an awful situation. There is absolutely no nice way for this to come out, whether your mother and father can save their marriage, its going to be pretty bad for a while.

I over heard my mum and dad arguing, that’s how I found out. My brother found out from someone outside the family who knew and was gossiping. My brother told our dad he’d tell mum if dad didn’t. My sister found out much later and she was so outraged that she was the “last” to know.

I suggest you simply confront your dad, yeah, as someone said there could be an explanation. What your dad does next, well, there’s no way he can break that news gently. And you could very easily do a better job if you have to.

The truth needs to come out, if only for the health of your mother. What if your dad is having an affair, what if he’s having mulitple affairs, that this has been happening for a while? What if your father has a STD? Your mum’s health could be at risk. That alone is reason to ensure the truth comes out.

There’s no nice way this can be done. No emotionally sparing words. There will be hurt, heart break and struggle.

You and your family are in my prayers.
 
Was this written by a child or made to look as if a child wrote it?
-VonDerTann wrote
"Shame, shame, sir, for managing to tarr all Catholics with a dirty brush, and for giving such insensitive and thoroughly worthless “advice” to a clearly well-meaning child.

The OP joined and posted once and never appeared again. I am convinced this was done by a troll who enjoys watching us fight it out. I might feel shame if I believed the OP. Please note the OP never said she loves her father. The charges she brings against her father are not conclusive: “loved her, beautiful, more pictures.” He could be writing his sister or grandmother. He does not hint that he seeks an impure relationship When it comes to her mother she lays on the adjectives 4 of them (kind, caring, loving, and fragile).Does anybody write that way? VonDerTann thinks so. but I think the word"fragile" a bit beyond a child.
Now the subject has been dug up again by another new member as her first post.
 
Mr. Miller, you are fixating on my use of the word “child.”

The OP was a “child” in that OP was commenting on his/her father.

That is all.

Was OP a troll? I have no idea.

I do however know that you decided to opine on the probable state of someone’s soul, because he/she read emails. I’ve made my response to that abundandly clear.
 
Has everyone decided to leave this poor child who came to you stranded?
 
The OP did not respond to us. What can we do? I hope everything turned out for the best.

🤷
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would go and talk to your priest as soon as possible. This is a difficult situation and you could end up being thought of as the “bad guy” by both of your parents, since you will have “snooped” in your dad’s email and if you tell your mother, you will be the bearer of very bad news for her. I am sorry that you came across your father’s possible infidelity, I know how shocking it is. I will add you to my prayers, but don’t confront anyone yet. Real life isn’t like TV and stuff doesn’t always turn out well in the end. Talk to your priest and ask for his advice. And pray for your father. He is not alone in being tempted by the internet.
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Best advice. 👍
 
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