Father-in-law strikes again...

[sadie2723]

Well, please pardon the expression, but all hell broke loose this morning. For those of you that have been following this saga, the situation has finally come to a head. For those of you that have not been following along, here is the situation:

I have been dating a girl for the last year and a half that I intend to marry. She is now in RCIA and is converting at Easter. The problem is that her father is an evangelical fascist that hates Catholics for no reason other than he is ignorant. Naturally, he is not going to be thrilled about the conversion of his daughter to God’s true church.

He and I have had our debates in the past, but I frustrated him by not just folding like a house of cards to his tired bigoted arguments. So, he stopped debating me all together and just became complacent. I was happy enough with that, as I just wanted to get along anyway. Last summer, I asked his permission to ask his daughter for her hand in marriage. I asked him: “Are there any problems that you and I need to work out prior to my asking your daughter to merry me?” He said no. He lied about that…by the way.

So, I asked in November, and she said yes. She is already well on her way to entering full communion with God’s Church, and so she wanted to have a Catholic wedding in which we could both take the Holy Eucharist.

She was a little concerned that her Dad would have a problem with it, but I assured her that after our conversation over the summer and our lack of debate in the past year, I thought that it would not be a problem. I was wrong.

Her mother hit the ceiling this morning and said that if we are married in the Catholic Church that her and her husband are not going to pay for it or attend.

So what the heck do I do now?

Sorry for the enflamed language, but I am upset.

PS. I really need them to help pay for this too, and she and I really do not have the money to do it on our own.

 

[Jaypeeto3]

Tell them that if they keep pulling this nonsense on you,
that they will never ever get to see their grandchildren.

Their stubbornness is a knife that cuts two ways.

Jaypeeto3 (aka Jaypeeto4)

 

[asquared]

Her mother hit the ceiling this morning and said that if we are married in the Catholic Church that her and her husband are not going to pay for it or attend.

So what the heck do I do now?

Sorry for the enflamed language, but I am upset.

PS. I really need them to help pay for this too, and she and I really do not have the money to do it on our own.

scale down your wedding plans, even if it means, you two, your witnesses and the deacon in the Catholic Church after evening Mass on Saturday, and dinner afterward at your favorite restaurant and an overnight honeymoon at a nice hotel in town. Send the parents an invitation, and then afterward very polite, nice letter (get someone to help you edit it) saying how much you missed them. Once the first grandchild arrives they usually come around.

 

[estesbob]

Well, please pardon the expression, but all hell broke loose this morning. For those of you that have been following this saga, the situation has finally come to a head. For those of you that have not been following along, here is the situation:

I have been dating a girl for the last year and a half that I intend to marry. She is now in RCIA and is converting at Easter. The problem is that her father is an evangelical fascist that hates Catholics for no reason other than he is ignorant. Naturally, he is not going to be thrilled about the conversion of his daughter to God’s true church.

He and I have had our debates in the past, but I frustrated him by not just folding like a house of cards to his tired bigoted arguments. So, he stopped debating me all together and just became complacent. I was happy enough with that, as I just wanted to get along anyway. Last summer, I asked his permission to ask his daughter for her hand in marriage. I asked him: “Are there any problems that you and I need to work out prior to my asking your daughter to merry me?” He said no. He lied about that…by the way.

So, I asked in November, and she said yes. She is already well on her way to entering full communion with God’s Church, and so she wanted to have a Catholic wedding in which we could both take the Holy Eucharist.

She was a little concerned that her Dad would have a problem with it, but I assured her that after our conversation over the summer and our lack of debate in the past year, I thought that it would not be a problem. I was wrong.

Her mother hit the ceiling this morning and said that if we are married in the Catholic Church that her and her husband are not going to pay for it or attend.

So what the heck do I do now?

Sorry for the enflamed language, but I am upset.

PS. I really need them to help pay for this too, and she and I really do not have the money to do it on our own.

You are not going to like the answer i am going to give you. You can get married for a small stipend to the Priest-you can have it done after Mass one day if you wish. I guarantee you if you start letting your future in-laws bend you to their will your marriage will be hell for both you and your wife.

As far as them not coming to the wedding that is their choice though I suspect when push comes to shove they will attend. At this point it looks like they are trying to “buy” you off.

 

[JohnPaul0]

Tough situation. One thing that comes to my mind is how your fiance feels about all this.

How do her parents feel about her converting? Will they shut her out of their lives? If not, I wonder why they are acting that way about your plans to marry in a Catholic Church.

Would she still convert if it wasn’t for you?

Is she willing to go ahead and marry you in the Church without having her parents attend?

Are you both willing to go ahead with a simple wedding without having to rely on her parents?

Down the road, if this creates a rift between both of you and her parents, how will your future wife feel about that?

Just some questions perhaps for you to think about. Don’t feel like you have to respond here.

God be with you all,
JohnPaul

 

[mommyof4]

scale down your wedding plans, even if it means, you two, your witnesses and the deacon in the Catholic Church after evening Mass on Saturday, and dinner afterward at your favorite restaurant and an overnight honeymoon at a nice hotel in town. Send the parents an invitation, and then afterward very polite, nice letter (get someone to help you edit it) saying how much you missed them. Once the first grandchild arrives they usually come around.

I’ll second this.

 

[sadie2723]

You are not going to like the answer i am going to give you. You can get married for a small stipend to the Priest-you can have it done after Mass one day if you wish. I guarantee you if you start letting your future in-laws bend you to their will your marriage will be hell for both you and your wife.

As far as them not coming to the wedding that is their choice though I suspect when push comes to shove they will attend. At this point it looks like they are trying to “buy” you off.

Actually, I love what you had to say. I really did not know that was an option at all.

 

[Stac4Grace]

I am a convert to the Catholic faith (going on 10 years). I started the process 4 months after we married. My parents are Baptist and told me that they were not coming to the wedding because I was marrying a Catholic. I sent them an invitation anyway hoping they would come. They did not and although I was very upset I did not let that ruin my beautiful wedding. Needless to say they paid for nothing, not even a wedding gift. Now I am pleased to tell you that my mom and dad love my husband very much and are ver proud of him. My mom told me the other day that she brags about him whenever she gets the chance to. She said he is a wonderful husband, father, and provider and could not have asked for a better son-in-law. You don’t know how happy I was to hear her say those words.
Maybe her parents won’t pay for the wedding and maybe they won’t even come but your wedding can be beautiful no matter what.
Pray for them and let them see how much you love their daughter and be a good example of your Catholic faith.

PS. My husband said he has also been praying for the conversion of my family too.
I will pray for you all, God bless.

 

[estesbob]

I am a convert to the Catholic faith (going on 10 years). I started the process 4 months after we married. My parents are Baptist and told me that they were not coming to the wedding because I was marrying a Catholic. I sent them an invitation anyway hoping they would come. They did not and although I was very upset I did not let that ruin my beautiful wedding. Needless to say they paid for nothing, not even a wedding gift. Now I am pleased to tell you that my mom and dad love my husband very much and are ver proud of him. My mom told me the other day that she brags about him whenever she gets the chance to. She said he is a wonderful husband, father, and provider and could not have asked for a better son-in-law. You don’t know how happy I was to hear her say those words.
Maybe her parents won’t pay for the wedding and maybe they won’t even come but your wedding can be beautiful no matter what.
Pray for them and let them see how much you love their daughter and be a good example of your Catholic faith.

PS. My husband said he has also been praying for the conversion of my family too.
I will pray for you all, God bless.

It has been my experience that the realtionship gets mended aboiut the same time the first granchild comes along.

 

[sadie2723]

Ok, I know that I am supposed to be forgiving here…and I am really trying to do that, but there is a big part of me that is kind of hurt by all this. I consider it a personal slap in the face.

I am afraid that I may never be able to look at them the same way again. After all…I am a Catholic…they hate Catholics…so they kind of hate me by default.

Thoughts?

 

[estesbob]

Ok, I know that I am supposed to be forgiving here…and I am really trying to do that, but there is a big part of me that is kind of hurt by all this. I consider it a personal slap in the face.

I am afraid that I may never be able to look at them the same way again. After all…I am a Catholic…they hate Catholics…so they kind of hate me by default.

Thoughts?

Shower them with love and respect. That way they will see what a wonderful Faith their Daughter is joining. In their own way they feel they are “protecting” their daughter. Parents do that and quite often overreact when doing so.

 

[Della]

Ok, I know that I am supposed to be forgiving here…and I am really trying to do that, but there is a big part of me that is kind of hurt by all this. I consider it a personal slap in the face.

I am afraid that I may never be able to look at them the same way again. After all…I am a Catholic…they hate Catholics…so they kind of hate me by default.

Thoughts?

I understand your feelings, but remember this man would hate anyone who wanted to marry his daughter whom he couldn’t control. That’s what this is all about here, not really you being a Catholic. I don’t think any man would have an easy time of it with this guy from what you’ve told us about him. So, forgive his insecurity, his bullying, and his need to be the big noise for these are all wounds he bears in his soul, poor thing! Be Christ to him no matter what and love him with the love of Christ because without Christ it would be impossible. You are Jesus on the cross bearing his insults, so do as Our Lord did and forgive him with a full heart for he “knows not what he does.”

 

[VociMike]

scale down your wedding plans, even if it means, you two, your witnesses and the deacon in the Catholic Church after evening Mass on Saturday, and dinner afterward at your favorite restaurant and an overnight honeymoon at a nice hotel in town. Send the parents an invitation, and then afterward very polite, nice letter (get someone to help you edit it) saying how much you missed them. Once the first grandchild arrives they usually come around.

They could invite more people to the wedding itself, and in the invitation include a note that they are very sorry but they simply cannot afford to have a reception afterwards, but they hope that their friends will join in witnessing their celebration of the sacrament of marriage. Their true friends will be delighted to attend their wedding Mass.

And of course, the invitations to the wedding Mass would not be worded in the traditional “the parents of … invite” or however that gets worded.

Show the parents a copy of the invitation (they can be printed up on nice paper off of your computer instead of going to a printing outfit) to make it clear that you are going to have the wedding regardless. They will either change their minds or they won’t. Either way, their bigotry must be resisted now or your married life will be hell.

 

[mercygate]

Her mother hit the ceiling this morning and said that if we are married in the Catholic Church that her and her husband are not going to pay for it or attend.

So what the heck do I do now?

Sorry for the enflamed language, but I am upset.

PS. I really need them to help pay for this too, and she and I really do not have the money to do it on our own.

Bad language warning: nuts to the party.

Do not threaten them with withdrawal of affection.

Tell them that you do not care a fig for a big wedding and that you will have a small private wedding to which they are invited, and you will pay all of it.

Get an waiver from the Church to marry in her family’s Church (if they will allow 2 Catholics to marry there) and have a Catholic priest join their minister. Or, if it is not possible to have a priest attend, hold your Catholic ceremony privately after the fact.

 

[Karianne]

I’ll second this.

Me too. The sweetest weddings that I have ever attended were the little ones.

 

[Hesychios]

Ok, I know that I am supposed to be forgiving here…and I am really trying to do that, but there is a big part of me that is kind of hurt by all this. I consider it a personal slap in the face.

I am afraid that I may never be able to look at them the same way again. After all…I am a Catholic…they hate Catholics…so they kind of hate me by default.

Thoughts?

Hi Brad,

I think your own pride is being manifested here. Don’t get me wrong, it is a normal raction from a healthy young man.

You have received a lot of great advice. If you cannot afford a large community wedding, a smaller one before the priest would be excellent. There is something to be said for the intimacy of the situation.

Please try to bear up under the stress and conflict. Never speak to the parents in a tone of disrespect, be courteous 70 x 7. Be the good husband you were always planning to be and these folks will respect you, even if their own pride will not permit them to express that.

Do not seek to convert them through arguments (that would be the job of the Holy Spirit, if it was ever meant to be), as St Peter says “always be prepared to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope, but do it with gentleness and reverence”.

The Roman Catholic tradition has a practice of “offering up” suffering for the salvation of souls, you might consider praying for them and offering your anguish up as love for grace in their lives.

 

[Mickey]

scale down your wedding plans, even if it means, you two, your witnesses and the deacon in the Catholic Church after evening Mass on Saturday, and dinner afterward at your favorite restaurant and an overnight honeymoon at a nice hotel in town. Send the parents an invitation, and then afterward very polite, nice letter (get someone to help you edit it) saying how much you missed them. Once the first grandchild arrives they usually come around.

I third this!

 

[b_justb]

sadie2723:

Her mother hit the ceiling this morning and said that if we are married in the Catholic Church that her and her husband are not going to pay for it or attend.

So what the heck do I do now?

You smile and say to the future in-laws, “We’ll miss you. Please reconsider.” And move forward with your plans.

 

[sadie2723]

Thanks to you all for your advice! I love you all.

 

[jschwehm]

Hi Brad:

I agree with much of the advice already given.

Have a smaller Catholic wedding that you can afford. Invite them and pay for it yourselves. It is their choice whether they attend or not.

Love their daughter as Christ loves the Church and they will come around.

I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and my wife and I converted to the Catholic Church. We started leaving the JWs about the time we were getting married and this created lots of strain between me and my JW in laws (who are former Catholics by the way).

You have a great opportunity to evangelize by the way you live your life. I know it is hard and that right now you have hard feelings toward your in-laws. I had the same hard feelings for years. But look at it from their perspective…

Suppose you had a daughter that you raised Catholic and she decided to leave the Church to get married. How would you react? How would you feel?

Also, try praying every day for your in-laws that God will bless them in every way (and hopefully in the best way by helping them become Catholic.) I found that by praying for God to bless my in-laws and by having Masses said for them on a regular basis that I could no longer have those bad feelings for them. Remember also that people cannot give you what they do not have. Your future father in law cannot give you what he does not have. Perhaps he never has received support from others if that is the case then he will have a difficult time giving it to you and your wife.

Keep the faith and realize that you will be in my prayers,

Jeff Schwehm
www.catholicxjw.com