Father-In-Law's "Girlfriend"

[Kelfa28]

That is just creepy. I wouldn’t have been caught off guard, I would have been mortified.

I understand DH needs his job and needs to tread carefuIly. I would try to not invite FIL over anymore and keep all contact between DD and FIL at FIL’s place. It is no guarantee this woman will not show up. However, as your kids get older at least they will know this woman’s behaviour is not welcome in your home. Hopefully that way they will know it is wrong

Angie

I was mortified. But I didn’t know what to do. I was too exhausted to make a scene. That wasn’t fair to me

Well, my daughter is most definitely not allowed at FIL’s place. He’s a chain smoker and an alcoholic. A highly functioning one. But he is well aware and accepts the fact that she is not allowed at his place (due to the second hand smoke) and he can’t babysit or take her out in his car (due to the potential problem with alcohol).

He is more then welcome to come over and almost always stops by once a week after work or during the day on the weekend. It’s a good arrangement because I’m usually home and he just drops by since he lives close to our house. He doesn’t tell this woman every time he comes over.

My concern is with the big events like birthdays and holidays and other events.
And the fact that another child is on the way. I absolutely do not want a repeat of the last time. We aren’t going back to the hospital we had my daughter at because I don’t like the way they do security. Basically the staff asked if you want visitors and they let people in without informing you who is coming. If I had been given a notification about who was coming in I would have sent out my husband to meet FIL and the girlfriend and had him tell her to wait until FIL had visited.

I appreciate all the advice.

Right now I plan on just waiting to see if anything is brought up between my husband and his FIL at work…so my husband and FIL can have a civil conversation about it. I trust my husband because he does agree with me but I’m afraid that my husband won’t be forceful enough with the message.

If that is the case then I will talk to FIL…which my husband wants to avoid just because I’m far more likely to upset him then my husband would (I tend to be very blunt and honest, especially about things that bother me).

 

[Chantal25]

I understand well that you don’t feel comfortable with her and trust me that i am the first one to understand you.

On the other hand, when i read one of your post about your father in law helping her with the house and children, it is most likely that she was trying to give him back the favor by supporting him with his grand daughter. I truly feel she means well and it was a way to give back what your father in law did for her. Clumsy of course but from a good place from her.

This could be a huge misunderstanding and perhaps it could be resolved peacefully.

If you approach your father in law from a good place (no anger or judgement or frustration) but a good place, you may get his cooperation regarding this. If you pray before hand and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you, you will have an amazing result.

Please pray for this woman and her children. It is a great gesture of this man to do this for her. Those children didn’t ask to be born and it surely is nice to feel that you matter.

Mother Teresa helped children that weren’t her flesh or blood but she helped them because Jesus said " What you do to others, you do to me". She was looking for Jesus among the poor.

Pray for that woman and her children.

All the best!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I was mortified. But I didn’t know what to do. I was too exhausted to make a scene. That wasn’t fair to me

I agree 100% it was not fair to you. I would go so far as to make sure DH is sworn to secrecy and does not tell FIL the baby was born until you are back from the hospital

Right now I plan on just waiting to see if anything is brought up between my husband and his FIL at work…so my husband and FIL can have a civil conversation about it. I trust my husband because he does agree with me but I’m afraid that my husband won’t be forceful enough with the message.

If that is the case then I will talk to FIL…which my husband wants to avoid just because I’m far more likely to upset him then my husband would (I tend to be very blunt and honest, especially about things that bother me).

OK, I get that DD going over to FIL is out of the question. However, I would wait until DH talks to FIL. I would be firm and say, ‘time is ticking and this baby is going to be born soon, if you don’t talk to FIL soon I will’ And then perhaps just start with insisting his GF not come to the hospital. And worry about other events later

Angie

 

[bonnibelle]

I’ve worked in hospitals and also have visited friends who were about to give birth. Nowadays security is so tight with all the babies that have been stolen from hospitals. Some friends asked me to drive their mother to the hospital for the birth of their baby, and to get past the nurses station we had to show photo id. Could you tell the nurses or hospital security that this woman is not to be allowed in to see you or the baby? Or, just give a list of the only people that could visit, and make sure her name was not on it?

It’s sad that she is so mentally unhealthy and probably very lonely. But, that doesn’t give her the right to intrude on this very special time right after you give birth. It’s nice to not rock the boat, but sometimes you do have to set limits when noone else will.

 

[jazzy0710]

I was in and still sort of in a very similar situation.

My Father in law dated a woman who I atcually knew for years. They were only together for something like a year and a half, got engaged at xmas time, and then got married the following April.

At the time of their engagement my Father in law had a house(which he still owns) and my Sister in law lived in the house with him(she has a physical disability) My Father in law’s wife had her own house to prior to the engagement but would spend days at a time at his house. My sister in law was getting extremely uncomfortable because this woman was getting a little too comfortable, re-arranging the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

They lied about what they were doing when they eloped and when they came back she expected my husband and sister in law to welcome her with open arms. My Sister in law was very hurt that my Father in law lied to her, and she left to go stay with her boyfriend for a few days. My Father in law’s new wife would call him repeatedly whinning and bickering that this wasn’t right.

My Husband decided to take her out for brunch and talk to her. He made it very clear that he himself accepted her as his new stepmother, and that his sister would come around in time but he enforced the bottom line “Don’t expect to be called Mom”. My Husband and his sister still have a relationship with their real Mom even though she’s 4 hours away.

Anyhow this woman wouldn’t listen. She began signing cards “Love Mom” and she would behave very obnoxiously at family functions. When they moved into the buliding beside us she told management that she was my husband’s Mother. There was also a time that she drove me to the vet and told people in there that I was her Daughter in law.

She and I have had our share of unfortunate situations but June of last year was the straw the broke the camels back when she put something very personal and rude on my facebook. I told her off in a nice way, defending myself, and she has had nothing to do with me since. I have tried to resolve this matter and have talked to my Father in law and have even lost my cool with them. My husband tried to talk to the both of them and she started to cry and walked in the bedroom and slammed the door then came out with a packed bag and walked out the door(she did come back 3 hours later). At Christmas time when we had our get together she would not come out into the living room. She stayed in the bedroom the entire time and if she wanted my father in law for something she would text his phone. I atcually ran into them this weekend on a trail here by our apartments(they live in the buliding beside us) and my father in law stopped to talk to me but she walked away and began climbing on the rocks.

This has greatly affected mine and my husband’s relationship at times, his relationship with his dad, as well as my relationship with his Dad. His Dad is very wrapped up in this woman and she comes first over everything and he always always has an excuse for her.

It’s been difficult, but we have had to limit our contact with them. My husband is away at school right now, and will be home in a few weeks and we will be getting a posting with the military after that. We know that distance is going to be the only thing that will keep us sane. Oh and prayer of course.

If you can get your husband to try talking to this woman, go for it. If it doesn’t work, limit your contact. Sometimes that’s what you have to do with toxic people.

 

[Kelfa28]

I appreciate all of the replies.

One thing I will stress is that I have started to pray for her. I will admit that I did not include her in my prayers before my daughter’s birthday this past weekend. For about a 24 hour stretch after her party, I was feeling angry. But, it was Easter and I decided to just try to give it up to God and I did start praying for her.
I’m hoping this will soften my heart a little.

To be honest, I’m still not sure I feel comfortable with her being around me or my daughter…for different reasons. Also, I’m not sure these feelings will ever change. But, I won’t rule out the possibility that I might have a change of heart…stranger things have happened.

There are a number of things I’m having a lot of difficulty moving on from. Her showing up at the hospital was probably the biggest one. It bothers me more and more as time goes by. This recent incident of her insisting she is family to us is another issue I can’t get over. I really could get over the rudeness and her history and try to be more open to her coming to these events…but combined with the two incidents I’ve mentioned…I highly doubt it.

So, yes. I’m in a place where I don’t want her at my house for any reason…or in the same room with me or my daughter, for any reason. For reasons that stem from feeling really uncomfortable and angry at times.

I realize that she may or may not know this. Communications trickle through several parties of the male persuasion…which means the details will get lost in the weeds.

I still don’t know if there is anything more I can do besides writing my Thank-you cards for the gifts we received and waiting for something to be mentioned between hubby and FIL.

I suppose I’m hoping for a way that this incident can be resolved without my direct involvement. I highly doubt that will happen.

 

[90Domer]

First, I want to say that I totally understand how toxic people can bring you down. However, can I offer you a little perspective?

My son is the only grandchild on both sides of our family. My parents adore him–the son really does rise and set on him. It is truly beautiful to behold.

My in-laws have never taken interest in my son, in part because I think their son (my husband) was seen as a disappointment to them. We asked them if we were doing anything to strain the relationship between our son and them and they accused us of being bad grandparents. They have turned down offers to visit, withheld gifts from our son, and–in what was the final straw–did not attend his First Holy Communion.

I am sure this lady gets on your last nerve, but she does see to care. Am I wrong about that? Perhaps a thoughtful letter addressed to her and FIL may do the trick.

I just wanted to give you a different look at the situation. I wish my MIL (FIL is now deceased) would either visit or send something to my child. He gets the obligatory Christmas and birthday gifts that everyone else gets. Nothing special done for him throughout the year. And it is painful, especially given that she dotes on my SIL’s grandkids and makes it known to us all she does for them.

So perhaps see a little light at the end of the tunnel. At least she cares in some respect for your child. It is painful when yours is ignored.

God bless.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Without going into a huge, book long post about the situation at hand…

Has anyone had a secular family member, a parent, divorced and currently in a very toxic relationship?

Has this family member’s significant other expected to be family and be called a grandmother to your children…when they are clearly not?

The basic facts of my situation is the fact that this relationship is very unhealthy and toxic. This “girlfriend” is rude and obnoxious to me. Yet, when it comes to my daughter she has invited herself along to my daughter’s birth and baptism (without my permission and just showed up), the housewarming party we had (where she was rude and wasn’t invited but showed up) and tried to go to my daughter’s first Christmas and her first birthday by insisting she was family and had a right to go. She did not go but sent presents which my FIL brought with him.

My husband doesn’t really know how to handle this without hurting his father. He works with his father and doesn’t want to jeopardize his job or make it uncomfortable to work with. But he does agree with me.

How did any of you handle a similar situation with family? How would you handle a situation like this?

My FIL’s wife is pure evil. When I speak of her, I call her the evil step-mother.
Back story:
When I met my husband his parents were still married. They divorced, and this new woman can into the picture. When I met her, I was already engaged to my husband and she asked me what my wedding colors were going to be and she stole my colors. We had to change the date of our wedding because he was deploying. She decided to travel with me and her soon-to-be husband to see her future step-son off. When I started crying in the airport, eyeliner and mascara running down my face, she told me I had pretty eyes. She then told me that she was proud that her son had such a supportive future wife!! I informed her that HIS MOTHER is also thankful for me.
She has been hateful to my sister-in-laws. My husband and I are an interracial couple and during the rehearsal dinner she made racial remarks so loudly that the wedding party heard her. She also keyed one of my sister-in-laws car at my wedding because she wasn’t escorted down the aisle like the mothers were. She has called my mother-in-law and made threatening comments about all of us. Well, she didn’t include my husband.
We don’t associate with them. My husband talks rarely to his dad. I refuse to be around someone who is hateful to me.

 

[Kelfa28]

Thank you for being so candid. I am not trying to keep asking the same question of you but I am honestly puzzled, perhaps you can help me?

Showing up at a hospital 10 hours after you have had a baby is indeed rude and would make anyone feel uncomfortable. But it is it enough to banish this woman from your life forever? I guess I am not sure, that seems a bit harsh to me. You said that this was the worst thing she has done.

Also insisting she is a member of your family is also rude, but she is not new on the scene. She has been a companion of your grandfather’s for 15 years! This put together with the fact that she is a bit odd, it does not surprise me at all that she hopes to be called grandmother. I am not defending her actions at all, clearly she is rude and makes you uncomfortable, but does that justify insisting that you are not even in the same room with her for the rest of your life?

If she were a thief or a drug addict or dangerous to your family then I would be supportive of your decision, however from what I read in your post she is simply very rude and extremely annoying. For this reason I think it may be wise (in the interest of family peace) to be gracious, invite her to your home once or twice a year for a few hours. Try and be kind as best as you can. She is a lost soul looking for somewhere to belong, she belongs no where and she seems to be drawn to you and your beautiful family.

I really appreciate your posts. They do help because they make me analyze my situation much further and from another perspective. Thank-you for your prayers as well.

I don’t understand her relationship with my FIL. I’m not even sure “companion” is an appropriate term.
He absolutely insists that she is not his girlfriend. I don’t know how she views the relationship but it seems very juvenile to me.
I almost reminds me of myself, starting to date and liking a boy. The boy doesn’t want a relationship but that does not stop me from trying to get his attention.
The difference is…I was 18 at the time and she is in her late 50s.

The relationship is not healthy. When she came over for the housewarming party…I watched the two of them go back and forth…arguing and bickering about something stupid. Right in front of everyone. My FIL called her a witch with a “b” in front of all of my guests and the children.
My husband had to separate the two.
My grandfather is a totally different person when he isn’t around her.

I don’t forget the fact that she has many children of her own and several grandchildren. I feel that this attention should be directed at them.

My daughter is not her grandchild. She has never been a mother figure to my husband in any sense of the word and he has known her for 15 years. He is just as confused by all of this attention as I am.
He is uncomfortable because it reminds him of his parents divorce and how uncomfortable he is around SOs of his parents. But that isn’t new to anyone whose had parents who have divorced (I can’t relate to this of course).

I suppose, in conclusion, I don’t understand the relationship. It’s not healthy, it’s not commitment and I’m not sure how I would explain it to my children.
I don’t understand how she never comes to family events that don’t involve my daughter…in the five years I’ve known my FIL…including all the birthdays we’ve had for him and my husband, the numerous times he was invited to and attended my family’s Christmases and Thanksgivings…not once did he ask “hey, can I bring my girlfriend along?” or even a “hey, can I bring a friend along?”
In the same respect, I know she has had plenty of birthdays, holiday parties and other events with her kids and grandkids. Not just at her house…her grandson plays t-ball and from what I understand, she and my FIL regularly attend the games (namely because the boy’s father never goes). We’ve never been invited to go to any of these events.
The first time I had ever met her was when she, spontaneously, shows up to the birth of my daughter!
And now she is trying to call herself family to us?
Also, I don’t like her attitude and her rudeness and how she and my FIL act around each other.

My husband and I are very private people naturally. We don’t do big parties…if we have people over it’s direct family only. Parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and our very best friends.

I suppose I need to think some more and pray some more.

 

[Chantal25]

To be honest, I’m still not sure I feel comfortable with her being around me or my daughter…for different reasons.

You have without a doubt a beautiful heart and i can see from your other post how much you are trying to do the right thing.

As for not feeling comfortable, it might be “The gift of fear”, or other thing but don’t disregard this intuition if you aren’t feeling comfortable. I don’t think you are necessary judging her but you don’t have a good feeling about this which could be a warning. If you aren’t comfortable because she push your boundaries then this is something else but if you don’t feel comfortable period, it could be a message for you to be careful.

A mother is granted special gift for her child, so she cans best protect her baby.

It is wonderful that you are praying for her but don’t necessary disregard your intuition.

I trust you will do the right thing to help her in the way you can such prayer.

Bless your heart and congratulations with your baby!

 

[Kelfa28]

Right now (only guessing) you might be dangerously close to being labeled the holier-than-thou Catholic woman who banished this woman from her home forever because of a mistake visiting the hospital. You do not want that label. Clearly because of the past you can probably only tolerate her presence for short periods of time, that is okay! Invite her for lunch or tea for an hour. Rather then chastise her for wanting to be called “grandmother” tell her you think that is sweet and lovely that she cares for your children so much, but that your children will be confused they will think she is married to grandpa so you aren’t going to allow it.

Jesus Christ knew from all eternity that you would be here. From the moment God breathed life into Adam he knew you would be here, and that this woman would be in your life. Why? The only reason I beleive that God allows us to have trials and tribulations is so that we can grow, specifically so we can grow closer to Him. You do not have to be her best friend forever, you don’t even have to like her but I hope and pray you can find some way to extend Christian Charity to her. God bless you.

Thank-you so much.
I need posts from every perspective.

Yes, I do need to be careful about not acting “holier than thou.” I don’t like it when other people judge my past…so I need to be very careful about how I see others as well.
It’s certainly something to think about.

This is a situation I wish I didn’t have to be in. Certainly it is now my cross to bear because I’ve married into is. I’ve never had to handle divorces, remarriages and parents with girlfriends and boyfriends.
I was fortunate that this never occurred in my family.

Maybe I am going about this wrong and I need to think about this and pray about this some more.

Many of my posts were gut reactions to feeling so uncomfortable and feeling that people were overstepping my boundaries…not just this woman but my FIL and my husband.

I think I was so angry the day of the party and the days that followed because no one has consulted me directly. I find out about this when it’s too late to have my say.

When my FIL came over early the day of the party to drop off extra chairs…he had a long conversation outside with my husband while I was in the house.
When he left…my husband asked me a strange question: “Are you ever afraid to tell me things?”
I didn’t know how to react to it. I told him…sometimes but I always bite my lip, say a prayer and tell him anyway.
That was when he said…“well, my FIL is bringing this woman and I said yes, but he’ll only stay for a short while.”
I got very, very angry and upset that no one consulted me…despite my extreme uncomfortable feelings towards this woman…and she wasn’t invited. This was also the fourth incident…and counting.
My husband called my FIL and said…no, she cannot come. That was when I told my husband we needed to have a conversation about this with FIL.

From what I understand…this is yet to happen.

 

[Kelfa28]

You have without a doubt a beautiful heart and i can see from your other post how much you are trying to do the right thing.

As for not feeling comfortable, it might be “The gift of fear”, or other thing but don’t disregard this intuition if you aren’t feeling comfortable. I don’t think you are necessary judging her but you don’t have a good feeling about this which could be a warning. If you aren’t comfortable because she push your boundaries then this is something else but if you don’t feel comfortable period, it could be a message for you to be careful.

A mother is granted special gift for her child, so she cans best protect her baby.

It is wonderful that you are praying for her but don’t necessary disregard your intuition.

I trust you will do the right thing to help her in the way you can such prayer.

Bless your heart and congratulations with your baby!

Thank-you.

I do feel that a good majority of this is pure gut reaction and uneasiness. We’ve had very little interaction between us. All of it has been negative.
The stories I’ve heard from both my husband and FIL are all negative.

It’s been tough digging through the mud to find something nice about her.

At the end of the day…I feel like I need to protect my daughter…at all costs.