Father inprisoned for pornography possession

[ElizabethAnne]

I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious – the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.

 

[Trishie]

I feel for you as this is about your own Dad and grandfather of your children.
Yet he has already betrayed other mother’s children by enjoying porn related to them.

He is secretive about his criminal activities, naturally he is ashamed of them, but his lack of honesty would worry me. A mother could never have peace with him around her daughters.

As he isn’t honest about his crime I think in your position I’ve have to be honest myself, and say, I love you Dad but as a mother I see your weakness as potentially exploitative of my girls,
and I don’t want you or anyone looking at my daughters seeing them as sex objects, arousal subjects.

It’s a weakness he has, seriously enough to get him arrested and imprisoned. In a year he has overcome that? Can one?

You need better responses than I can give. I’m just speaking as a mother.

 

[grasscutter]

Telling him you love him and praying for him are awesome things. However, I would seriously never let him come in contact with your daughters. I’m sorry you’re in such a horrible situation and I will pray for you. :console:

 

[Catholic1954]

I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious – the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.

I would keep my daughters as far away as possible from your Dad. You can still maintain the same relationship with him, but do not include your children, at least until they are much older. You should also inform him that you looked up his court records and know exactly why he in prison. That will clear the air and help him to communicate more honestly with you.

 

[triumphguy]

Until he is honest with your children are not safe. And even then…

I was a prison chaplain and worked with sex offenders.

Even your children are not safe unless he undergoes proper treatment, and even then I wouldn’t trust him.

I’m sorry you have to make this choice between him and your kids. However, you can still be his daughter, but unfortunately he’s given up the right to be a granddad.

 

[Catherine_S]

I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious – the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.

Do not* trust*** this man around your daughters!
EVER!
Remember* why*** he looked at child pornography!
*I am sorry if I appear harsh **but *this is not some little weakness on his part, it is filthy **sin!!

 

[Zundrah]

In my mind, he would be as good as dead. I’d disown him as a relative.

Nothing in this world is more damaging than sexual abuse.

The fact that he gets turned on by looking at a child, that is just too horrific to even imagine.

If you let him into your children’s lives, you are responsible for anything that he may do to them.

 

[BOSS10L]

Do not* trust*** this man around your daughters!
EVER!
Remember* why*** he looked at child pornography!
*I am sorry if I appear harsh **but *this is not some little weakness on his part, it is filthy **sin!!

In my mind, he would be as good as dead. I’d disown him as a relative.

Nothing in this world is more damaging than sexual abuse.

The fact that he gets turned on by looking at a child, that is just too horrific to even imagine.

If you let him into your children’s lives, you are responsible for anything that he may do to them.

I couldn’t agree more with these two posts.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Thank you all for your feedback so far. The reason I had not told him what I know about what happened is because I had hoped that he would open up about it at some point. I have the information, and since I am no longer in need of it, I was watching him to see whether or not he was being honest. I had hoped he would be honest before I let him know that I am aware of everything.

I know that my father is extremely troubled, both because of this and for other reasons. I will never, ever, ever allow him to be alone with my children. He will never, ever, ever have a place to stay in my home. I have taken the time that he is in prison to consider carefully a plan of action. Since he could not see my children, I did not worry about making a final decision. I have not ruled out the possibility of supervised visits in public places. I have not made the decision to allow such visits either.

grasscutter, telling my dad that I love him and praying for him was the starting point for me. Now that he has served half of his sentence, it is time for more, thus my seeking further clarity and preparing to write to him.

triumphguy, thank you for your feedback. I had hoped to speak with a prison chaplain or psychiatrist who works with sex offenders to discuss the entire issue. I think it might be time for me to try to contact someone and discuss every detail of the situation in order for me to process it and hopefully gain some insight. I have absolutely no problem choosing my children over him, and I don’t have a problem with the fact that he has given up the right to be a granddad. The sorry state of things is that he has robbed my children of their grandfather, and that is the point I am angriest about.

Zundrah, I agree that his crime is totally horrific. Too terrible to categorize. I am under no disillusion that he is dangerous and that I must proceed with extreme caution.

There are just still so many questions. What do I tell my children and when? At some point, particularly when they’ve moved out, they may need to know details so that they can protect themselves. What do I tell my inlaws? We usually visit both my father and my inlaws in the same trip because they live in the same part of the country. In the future, I may be traveling with my husband to visit my father and leaving the children with my inlaws.

The other aspect is that I may have to cut ties with my father’s entire family as a result of this. My father lives in the same area with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. If I have to keep my children away from him, they will likely grow up not knowing any of those other relatives. And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?

 

[AlltheRoses]

I am preparing to write a letter to my father who is currently incarcerated, and I am hoping to get some feedback on the situation in order to decide what I need to say and feel more at peace about the situation.

My father told me last year that he would be going to prison but was fuzzy on the details. He shared more information with my brother, but it was not until we looked up the public records online that we found out that he pled guilty to possession of child pornography. I have read the court documents and have a good grasp on what exactly occurred. We are dealing with photographs of prepubescent girls. My father has no idea that I even have accessed this information.

I told my father that I do not support his actions but that I love him. I, as an individual, intend to continue to interact with him, which I have been doing for the past year while he has been in prison.

I have a three-year-old daughter and another daughter on the way. In every communication, my father mentions how excited he is to come visit once he is released and meet his new granddaughter. He displays shame at being in prison but seems to be in denial about what is far more serious – the reason he is in prison. I do not know where to begin with him. Part of the problem is that communication in our relationship has always been extremely flawed, so there are many underlying/unresolved problems at hand.

Your thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated.

I would make it clear to your dad that you love him and that you are willing to communicate with him and visit with him when he gets out of prison just as you are now that he is in prison, but that you have discovered why he is in prison and that, as he pleaded guilty to possessing pornography of young girls, you are simply not comfortable having him come into contact with your daughter(s). Explain that, as a mother, you can’t risk having your daughter(s) abused by someone who has already given into a terrible temptation. Also, explain that you are trying to prevent him from getting into any situation that could further divide your family or put him into sin. I would try to be as loving and charitable as possible while still being firm about him not having contact with your girl(s). I’m sorry that you and your family have to deal with this. May God guide you in this and in all else.

 

[NickVA]

Definitely a difficult situation. You should pray The Divine Mercy Chaplet for him.

You should talk to a priest about this, someone you trust. I wouldn’t use the CAF forums as a legitimate authority in a matter like this.

 

[Havard]

In my mind, he would be as good as dead. I’d disown him as a relative.

Nothing in this world is more damaging than sexual abuse.

The fact that he gets turned on by looking at a child, that is just too horrific to even imagine.

If you let him into your children’s lives, you are responsible for anything that he may do to them.

My uncle is a pedophile. He did awful, horrible things to children, and he probably would have done them to me too, if he had ever had the opportunity.

That said, pedophilia is not just some trivial fetish that pedophiles could kick if they just got some self control. It is a consuming disorder with no known cure, just as we have no cure for sociopaths.

Despite how dangerous they have the capability of being, God put them here, so their lives matter. They are still people, they still deserve our prayers.

To the OP, I very much agree with the advice never to let him around your children, or any children for that matter. When it comes to this, you cannot ever let your guard down.

 

[SummerSmiles]

There are just still so many questions. What do I tell my children and when? At some point, particularly when they’ve moved out, they may need to know details so that they can protect themselves. What do I tell my inlaws? We usually visit both my father and my inlaws in the same trip because they live in the same part of the country. In the future, I may be traveling with my husband to visit my father and leaving the children with my inlaws.

The other aspect is that I may have to cut ties with my father’s entire family as a result of this. My father lives in the same area with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. If I have to keep my children away from him, they will likely grow up not knowing any of those other relatives. And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?

I’m so sorry you’re in such a difficult situation. A very similar situation happened with one of my childhood friends, and I’ve seen all the turmoil she and her family have had to go through.

I can’t tell you what I think you should do, but I can tell you what I would do. I would let him know that he’ll always be my father and I will always love him as such. If he would like to continue a relationship with me, I am open to that, but it will never be a close relationship. Under no circumstances would I allow him contact with my children.

There is such a difficult line to walk between telling your kids too much and scaring them, and not telling them enough. When they are young, all they need to know is that they can’t talk to/see granddad. As they get older, they can get more details about why. There is no set age when I would start going into more detail, it will just depend on each individual child. Some kids are very mature and will pick up on there being more to the situation. Other kids will be content with just not having him around.

How close are you to your cousins? This is something serious enough that I would definitely bring it up to the ones who have kids. I would be extremely angry if one of my cousins didn’t tell me that my Uncle Whoever was put in jail for something like that. Especially if they knew that I had a lot of contact with him and just didn’t know the details for some reason. I would make it clear that it wasn’t out of spite for your dad, just that you want to protect the other children in your extended family.

 

[Arlene]

I wouldn’t even allow supervised visits. It would make me sick to my stomach knowing that my own father was looking at my girls with vile eyes. Even if he wasn’t given opportunity to do anything, he would still be having thoughts in his head. And I wouldn’t cover up his sin for him. It is public record anyway, even if the cousins had no reason to wonder or look it up. It is his shame not yours, and there is no reason for you to keep his secrets. There is a difference between gossiping and warning other people about a very real danger and threat to their children’s well-being. When family visits are being planned just be up front that your children will not be having contact with their grandfather. Certainly your father’s side of the family must know he’s in prison? Are they in denial why? For the cousins with young children, I would speak to each of them privately and just make a suggestion that they find out why their uncle was in prison. Tell them that you will be prohibiting contact with your own children and it would be in their best interest to find out why. If they are open to conversation, then they are well warned. If not, then denial runs deep in that side of the family and you are best to keep your children away from them, too, because they won’t be supportive of your denial of contact. I will pray for you. This is a horrible thing to know about your own father.

 

[GraceDK]

And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?

Would you wanna know?

 

[Hokomai]

I think you need advice from professional people who work with sex offenders. Not all who look at images of child abuse are or become physical abusers. But I would not take any risks. Your father, to rehabilitate himself needs a professionally-run intensive course, followed by support from family within safety limits. If the course succeeds, he should accept these. By supporting him you protect both him and other children. Remember, too, that he is not just a man who looks at sexualised images of children. He will have done many good things, and have many good qualities.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Elizabeth Anne, you clearly love and honor your father, as the Fourth Commandment calls for. Are you aware that the Fourth Commandment also holds parents equally responsible for protecting their own children?

I think your instinct to talk to a professional that deals with sex offenders regularly is a good one.

If you aren’t familiar also look into Gavin de Becker’s work–two books especially–‘The Gift of Fear’ and ‘Protecting the Gift’.

You mentioned that you have not decided about public, supervised visits. Are you aware of what ‘grooming’ is? It is building a false sense of trust between an abuser and a child to lower the child’s inhibitions and prepare them for future sexual activity or molestation. Grooming can happen right in front of a parent, as can abuse. Did you know that it is often common for abusers to show a child images of child pornography prior to engaging in abuse? (please check the wikipedia article on ‘child grooming’ for references).

While a previous poster pointed out that your father is imprisoned for looking at child pornography, he was not imprisoned for actual abuse. That is true. It is also true that your father has an issue with appropriate boundaries and behavior or he never would have had the child porn in the first place. He also lacks transparency about his actions that have landed him in jail as he has not been forthcoming about why he is in jail, yet wants access to children. Someone committed to reforming himself would 1. be transparent and 2. self-impose limits on access to children. He may not be an abuser, but he is also not trustworthy enough to be granted the priviledge of knowing and interacting with your children.

So, I would discourage any and all conact between your father and your children. As you know, their safety supercedes honoring your father’s desire for contact. And since you asked, I would also share the legally obtained, factual information you have with other family members so they can make an informed choice as yoru father is not being transparent. I would inform your father as lovingly, but firmly as possible that you know the true reason for his imprisonment, that you are establishing limits to his contact, and if you feel obligated, that you are sharing this information so parents can make an informed choice about the level of contact Grandpa/Uncle is having with their children.

No matter what his response is, know that you are not causing him pain and anguish, but that these are the consequences of deeply wrong pursuits he engaged in.

I do apologize if my tone comes across as harsh, in point of fact, my heart feels your anguish in trying to balance charity with responsibility. FWIW, a family member is cut off from all family gatherings and from meeting any of his neices and nephews as he refused to acknowledge his own actions when confronted with proof.

I pray that God grant you wisdom and discernment.

 

[thomasf]

If I were you I’d make sure everyone in the family knows. You don’t necessarily have to tell them personally, but maybe an anonymous copy of the court record so they know as well. Especially if they had children themselves.

I would also confront him about this, don’t wait for him to tell you. He might think he can get away with not ever telling you.

 

[fgh_123]

There are some mighty condemning responses here! Or are you saying forgiveness is only relevant in certain situations.

Naturally proceed with caution, but I would at least hear your father out on the matters. Who knows the story? If he was looking at genuinely hardcore filth and fully admitted he had a problem, then it would be natural to be wary and it would be the right course of action.

If however it was a question of being led onto dubious sites which contained said images, but that it was not his sexual preference then that’s a different kettle of fish. Just a sample of the complexity of this issue.

Certainly not a blanket ban on your father without knowing all the details…

 

[newf]

Elizabeth Anne, you clearly love and honor your father, as the Fourth Commandment calls for. Are you aware that the Fourth Commandment also holds parents equally responsible for protecting their own children?

I think your instinct to talk to a professional that deals with sex offenders regularly is a good one.

If you aren’t familiar also look into Gavin de Becker’s work–two books especially–‘The Gift of Fear’ and ‘Protecting the Gift’.

You mentioned that you have not decided about public, supervised visits. Are you aware of what ‘grooming’ is? It is building a false sense of trust between an abuser and a child to lower the child’s inhibitions and prepare them for future sexual activity or molestation. Grooming can happen right in front of a parent, as can abuse. Did you know that it is often common for abusers to show a child images of child pornography prior to engaging in abuse? (please check the wikipedia article on ‘child grooming’ for references).

While a previous poster pointed out that your father is imprisoned for looking at child pornography, he was not imprisoned for actual abuse. That is true. It is also true that your father has an issue with appropriate boundaries and behavior or he never would have had the child porn in the first place. He also lacks transparency about his actions that have landed him in jail as he has not been forthcoming about why he is in jail, yet wants access to children. Someone committed to reforming himself would 1. be transparent and 2. self-impose limits on access to children. He may not be an abuser, but he is also not trustworthy enough to be granted the priviledge of knowing and interacting with your children.

So, I would discourage any and all conact between your father and your children. As you know, their safety supercedes honoring your father’s desire for contact. And since you asked, I would also share the legally obtained, factual information you have with other family members so they can make an informed choice as yoru father is not being transparent. I would inform your father as lovingly, but firmly as possible that you know the true reason for his imprisonment, that you are establishing limits to his contact, and if you feel obligated, that you are sharing this information so parents can make an informed choice about the level of contact Grandpa/Uncle is having with their children.

No matter what his response is, know that you are not causing him pain and anguish, but that these are the consequences of deeply wrong pursuits he engaged in.

I do apologize if my tone comes across as harsh, in point of fact, my heart feels your anguish in trying to balance charity with responsibility. FWIW, a family member is cut off from all family gatherings and from meeting any of his neices and nephews as he refused to acknowledge his own actions when confronted with proof.

I pray that God grant you wisdom and discernment.

This is a very good post.

You really should NOT allow your dad to have any contact with your children.

Your extended family should be informed of the porn and jail so that they can protect their own children.

Most importantly, you cannot fix this mess. It is up to your dad to do that and he doesn’t seem to be very willing at this time.