Father Passing-Mother Taking Back Possessions

[MyAngels]

I need some help with a situation. My father recently passed. This is such a long story that I will try to condense it.

1. I was with my father his last few days. Lots of pain, no sleep. My mother was mean to him and he couldn’t help it. I almost left, but knew they both needed me.
2. My mom really embarrassed me at the funeral home when making arrangements. She questioned every dollar, when there was no need. She has plenty of funds at this time. She even questioned if it was going to cost more for my dad to have military honors and taps.
3. There were a few things specifically that he wanted given to my sister, her boyfriend, myself and my husband. I made sure this took place.
4. There were other possessions that we needed to decide whom should get them. My mom decided to give one of the items to my son. We mentioned that he had already received an items like this, but my daughter would love it. She was happy with this. So, we thought everything was fine. Until three days later, she called me and asked for this item back. We were extremely upset. She asked if it was going to hurt feelings and we said yes. It didn’t matter, she wanted it back anyway because it meant a lot to her. My dad would have never done this if he were still here.
5. My mom even mentioned that she has to be careful not to slight my sister. I would never in a million years do this. It really is an insult to my integrity. I had told my dad and mom that I would never expect or want anything from them. It is theirs, I didn’t earn it or buy it.
6. I’m at a point that I want to return the items that my dad gave us specifically. I don’t want to hurt his honor or memory in any way. My two children feel I shouldn’t send the few items back. That someone else will wind up with it, like my sister or her boyfriend. I understand that, but I can’t be like they are being. I’m not that kind of person. I also feel like I want to be removed as executor of my mom’s estate.
7. My mom had asked my dad if he wanted to speak to a priest. He was baptized Catholic, but didn’t attend Mass very often. She never called for a priest. So, my dad did not receive last rites. She said she felt a little bad about it, but he was not religious anyway. So, she felt it was ok.
8. I am really crushed by all of this. I don’t believe I can get over it.

 

[Xantippe]

I need some help with a situation. My father recently passed. This is such a long story that I will try to condense it.

1. I was with my father his last few days. Lots of pain, no sleep. My mother was mean to him and he couldn’t help it. I almost left, but knew they both needed me.
2. My mom really embarrassed me at the funeral home when making arrangements. She questioned every dollar, when there was no need. She has plenty of funds at this time. She even questioned if it was going to cost more for my dad to have military honors and taps.

**Your mom is in the right, here. Funeral homes are infamous for ripping off the bereaved. You have to ask about everything.

newsblogs.chicagotribune.com/the-problem-solver/2010/06/when-loved-ones-die-beware-funeral-ripoffs.html**

1. There were a few things specifically that he wanted given to my sister, her boyfriend, myself and my husband. I made sure this took place.

That’s very good.

1. There were other possessions that we needed to decide whom should get them. My mom decided to give one of the items to my son. We mentioned that he had already received an items like this, but my daughter would love it. She was happy with this. So, we thought everything was fine. Until three days later, she called me and asked for this item back. We were extremely upset. She asked if it was going to hurt feelings and we said yes. It didn’t matter, she wanted it back anyway because it meant a lot to her. My dad would have never done this if he were still here.

**Your mom is probably having a hard time making decisions right now, particularly about items of sentimental value. Go easy on her and encourage her to wait before making any big decisions, if at all possible.
**

1. My mom even mentioned that she has to be careful not to slight my sister. I would never in a million years do this. It really is an insult to my integrity. I had told my dad and mom that I would never expect or want anything from them. It is theirs, I didn’t earn it or buy it.

**Your mom saying that she needs to be careful not to slight your sister is no reflection at all on your integrity. **

1. I’m at a point that I want to return the items that my dad gave us specifically. I don’t want to hurt his honor or memory in any way. My two children feel I shouldn’t send the few items back. That someone else will wind up with it, like my sister or her boyfriend. I understand that, but I can’t be like they are being. I’m not that kind of person. I also feel like I want to be removed as executor of my mom’s estate.

Slow down and don’t do anything you will regret.

1. My mom had asked my dad if he wanted to speak to a priest. He was baptized Catholic, but didn’t attend Mass very often. She never called for a priest. So, my dad did not receive last rites. She said she felt a little bad about it, but he was not religious anyway. So, she felt it was ok.
2. I am really crushed by all of this. I don’t believe I can get over it.

Your dad died. That is a big deal. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your father and don’t get hung up on details about stuff or allow yourself to be alienated from your mom.

Consider getting some counseling or talking to your pastor. And definitely pick up a book about grief and bereavement.

Best wishes!

 

[esieffe]

Your dad died. That is a big deal. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your father and don’t get hung up on details about stuff or allow yourself to be alienated from your mom.

Consider getting some counseling or talking to your pastor. And definitely pick up a book about grief and bereavement.

Best wishes!

I agree with some of the things Xantippe said in that a cool down period is called for. Maybe that is not the right term… maybe a period for grieving is called for. Maybe six months to a year? Truly grieving is a lifelong process, but after a year or so, cooler heads may prevail. I know there is closure and all of that, but items are not worth tearing a family apart for. My parents health situation is shaky at best, yet my sisters are already arguing about the estate. It’s not worth it. I suggested to MY parents that they make their attorney the executor, and though it will eat into the estate, it is entirely worth it. Maybe this is something you could consider also.

Think long term. It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders,… just keep it that way.

• E

 

[mdgspencer]

There are commonly problems over who gets something after a death. I know of a case when one relative went in the person’s house after he died and just took everything they wanted. My mother-in-law too found a sister took something she owned from the house of her father who died, that she valued. Perhaps it is better to do what my mother-in-law did, and not let it harm family relationships by letting it go.
I’m not sure that the opening poster should do in their particular case though.

 

[pianistclare]

First, let me express my condolences for your great loss.
Your mother clearly does not know what to do after all this. She’s behaving erratically due to the stress of the situation. She may be acting out of irrational fear. She needs grief therapy, or at the very least a good friend with a willing shoulder to cry on. Note, I said “friend”. Not you. People who are too close to the situation rarely offer what the grieving person needs. It takes an objective person with no skin in the game, as it were, to be able to listen and then speak words of consolation and give good advice. Also, persons who are grieving tend to be suspicious of folks who want to tell them what to do.
For you, I would try to remember my father in prayer, and maybe see a priest. None of us can know the depths of God’s mercy, so maybe a good long talk with a patient priest will help to ease your worry of his soul and his final hours.
Your father no doubt loved you and your children very much. I’m sure he would not want to see you hurting over his passing for a great length of time.
Perhaps, in your prayers, ask him to intercede in helping your mother to cope.
Again, may he rest in eternal peace.
Clare

 

[MyAngels]

Thank you all, for your advise. It is hard to convey all the things that have been said and done. It’s about the hurt that can’t be taken back. God Bless all that are helping others on this site.

 

[petitfleur]

I understand that is likely a lot more complicated than what you posted. I am sorry for this hard time. I don’t think your moms behavior is ok and I am not excusing it but perhaps cut her some slack. Grief is never cut and dry. I encourage you to maintain the best possible relationship with your mom. It doesn’t mean it will be a good one. I have a complicated relationship with my mom. I try not to take things personally, I try not to make the same mistakes with my kids, and I try to be a good daughter to her. I will never be close to her, I accept her faults. My mom is not mean to me but very demanding. I am not telling you to let her mistreat you.
I did have some very nice moment with her while she was in the hospital recently. I am grateful for that.

 

[MyAngels]

I understand that is likely a lot more complicated than what you posted. I am sorry for this hard time. I don’t think your moms behavior is ok and I am not excusing it but perhaps cut her some slack. Grief is never cut and dry. I encourage you to maintain the best possible relationship with your mom. It doesn’t mean it will be a good one. I have a complicated relationship with my mom. I try not to take things personally, I try not to make the same mistakes with my kids, and I try to be a good daughter to her. I will never be close to her, I accept her faults. My mom is not mean to me but very demanding. I am not telling you to let her mistreat you.
I did have some very nice moment with her while she was in the hospital recently. I am grateful for that.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and experience. I will take this to heart. You have been very helpful.