Father, why are my children leaving the Church now that they're grown?

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Heard a wonderful talk given by an older priest regarding why many kids leave the Church once they grow up. Of course I’m paraphrasing him because it’s all from memory but here’s basically what he said;
*
I find it sad that more often than I’d like to admit I meet with or hear from people who are distraught because they learn that their children (or grandchildren) have left the Catholic Church. Or sometimes I’ll inquire how their son or daughter is doing and they’ll tell me they have left and sheepishly shrug their shoulders as to why they left the Church? The typical question I hear is, “Where did we go wrong?”

But instead of answering this I’ll ask some questions of my own. So let me ask you; when your kids were little did you involve them with childrens’ stories of the bible and gospel readings? As they got older and were better able to understand, did you ever discuss the Sunday readings with them maybe even just on the drive home? What about the homily, did you ever discuss this as a family? Did you yourself show interest in the Mass by fully participating in the responses and songs or did you just stand idly by or worse show signs of impatience and disinterest yourself like looking at your watch or cell phone? Did you ever fold your hands in prayer during Mass as an example for your children? And as your children grew out of infancy did you wean them off bringing play things and food/snacks as a means of distraction and behaving during mass? Did you make prayer and family prayer at home a regular event? During mass do you start looking for your keys and putting on your jackets before or even during the final blessing? What about staying for the entire Mass? Do you regularly leave early or even right after communion? At what age do you ask your children to maybe listen to the words being spoken during Mass or do you ever ask your children this? What did you tell your children when they were young about going to Mass, that you do because you “have to”? What did you tell your kids about communion when they were small or did you even discuss this?

To engage a child you have to be engaged yourself. If you yourself were not setting an example is it really any surprise that a child when he/she grows up and experiences the “world” decides to leave? Or when they move into environments that are anti-religious is it any wonder with no real foundation that they are convinced to leave the Church? *

I’m sorry for the kind of unorganized way I wrote this as again it was from memory but it was such a powerful message the way he spoke and talked that I wanted to share it here. Indeed we all are living examples for our children. What we say and how we act is picked up by kids and serves as a foundation for them. If we ourselves are disinterested in the Catholic faith is it any wonder that our children would grow up with the same disinterest?
 
It’s a real challenge keeping children in the faith, most of the Catholics I grew up with stopped practising. I do feel for parents, a lot of the parents I see in church are so busy trying to keep their children under control during mass that modeling good attentive behaviour in mass has to come second.

I do sometimes think kids are more influenced by what behaviour people model than by what they are told and I have no doubt that this is important.
 
It’s a real challenge keeping children in the faith, most of the Catholics I grew up with stopped practising. I do feel for parents, a lot of the parents I see in church are so busy trying to keep their children under control during mass that modeling good attentive behaviour in mass has to come second.

I do sometimes think kids are more influenced by what behaviour people model than by what they are told and I have no doubt that this is important.
He did mention the need for attention to younger kids that naturally must occur and I didn’t mention that for brevity’s sake but at what point or age do stop coddling kids at church???
 
You can do all of these things and they still might leave.
I see it all the time. The difference between parents who do all those things and those who don’t tend to be that the children of the former are a lot more likely to come back eventually. It doesn’t mean their children never leave at all. Those who don’t consider whether their methods of upbringing plant the seeds of resentment against the Church (which should be resentment against the parents) probably do worse than those who raise their children to see that the children will only remain Catholic for life by an act of will made by each child, not by the willpower of the parents.

The Church teaches things that the modern world rebels at. It is not a surprise that Christians who are immersed in the world by necessity, in order to make a living, and who are accepted as individuals in the professional world on the condition that they hide their faith, find that they have a community ready to embrace them whether or not they are faithful to their religious duties or not. Sometimes, this “tolerant” professional and social world is even quick to applaud the intelligence of Catholics who join the enlightened ranks of former Catholics. Even on the campuses of Catholic universities, the Catholics refrain from expressing words of judgment against those who have quit their practice of the faith. Those on the outside of the Church feel no such scruples, but feel very free to comment on whether those who practice the faith are improving the world by their observance or not. Many, in fact, are in a big hurry to compare those who avail themselves of the sacraments and those who don’t and to conclude that the former “aren’t any better” than anyone else.

There was a time when we Catholics were a group of outsiders, marginalized on more or less ethnic grounds. There was also a time when Catholics expected each other to practice…it wasn’t just our grandmothers asking if we had been to Mass. That world of discrimination against us, the world in which not a few of us had a community if we went to church but none if we didn’t, kept some of us in the fold who would have otherwise strayed.

We live in the world, now, fully in the world. We have people identifying as Catholic on the national stage who feel free to criticize what the Church teaches, comparing her unfavorably to denominations that have conformed more fully to the standards of the world. When we say we feel under seige, we are jeered at, as if these complaints are meaningless coming from such a flawed Leviathan as we are.

It is worthwhile to ask parents if they are really preparing their children to carry the faith as their own when they go out into the world. Of course it is. That should not be implied to be a guarantee (and I hope the homilist was by no means implying that it could have been a guaranee) that there is a way to bring up a child in the faith so that all chance of the child leaving the faith has been extinguished. Children grow up to be free moral agents, and they will be tempted on every side, so that way does not exist.
 
Its a fact that there are far more things to occupy a person’s mind or time today than there was 50 or 60 years ago. Add to that the fact that the more prosperous a nation is, the less it tends to turn to a future promise. Between 10,000 cable channels, the internet and cell phones, there is a lessening of looking outside of oneself and wondering about our place in the universe. Even those who grow up with a Catholic education tend to be the first to abandon everything they learned and know. The pull of the secular world is greater now than what has ever gone before. I have no idea of an answer.
 
Its a fact that there are far more things to occupy a person’s mind or time today than there was 50 or 60 years ago. Add to that the fact that the more prosperous a nation is, the less it tends to turn to a future promise. Between 10,000 cable channels, the internet and cell phones, there is a lessening of looking outside of oneself and wondering about our place in the universe. Even those who grow up with a Catholic education tend to be the first to abandon everything they learned and know. The pull of the secular world is greater now than what has ever gone before. I have no idea of an answer.
Yes. People did not have the expectation 100 years ago that religion or marriage or one’s job was supposed to “make you happy.” They didn’t have the expectation that LIFE was supposed to make us happy! For all the other things about humans that were not as well understood, they had a much clearer understanding of human beings as deeply flawed creatures and life on earth as a vale of tears that inevitably involves suffering, loss, and struggle, rather than an unbroken career of happiness, fulfillment, and enjoyable experiences.
 
Yes. People did not have the expectation 100 years ago that religion or marriage or one’s job was supposed to “make you happy.” They didn’t have the expectation that LIFE was supposed to make us happy! For all the other things about humans that were not as well understood, they had a much clearer understanding of human beings as deeply flawed creatures and life on earth as a vale of tears that inevitably involves suffering, loss, and struggle, rather than an unbroken career of happiness, fulfillment, and enjoyable experiences.
Wow…well put!
 
He did mention the need for attention to younger kids that naturally must occur and I didn’t mention that for brevity’s sake but at what point or age do stop coddling kids at church???
Ideally at the same time parents top doing it at home and at school.

EasterJoy’s post hits the nail on the head.
 
I never had kids, but I do understand how it could upset a parent when their child leaves the faith. But nontheless, whenever I see parents ask ‘Why did my kid leave the faith’, I can’t help but think that question is narrow and does not look at all of the faith

First, I have always believe faith is a gift and for some unknown incomprehansible reason, God does not give it to every one all the time. He sometimes (for reason only He will understand) waits to bring people to the faith as part of HIs bigger plan

Second, practicing the faith is a choice and God gave everyone free will knowing several will choose to walk away.

Third, just because a child leaves the faith, does not mean a parent can’t keep praying for their return

And more importantly, just because a child still attends church every week, that is not always a measure of how well they practice their faith.
 
He did mention the need for attention to younger kids that naturally must occur and I didn’t mention that for brevity’s sake but at what point or age do stop coddling kids at church???
While I grant it’s not terribly common anymore, DH is 18 years older than his youngest sibling. Even if we’re talking about “coddling” a baby for less than a year, well…you do the math.
 
He did mention the need for attention to younger kids that naturally must occur and I didn’t mention that for brevity’s sake but at what point or age do stop coddling kids at church???
From my limited experience of working with Sunday school it seems like there is a real difficulty in knowing the level of expectation to have for these families, too high and you risk chasing them off by making them feel failures but too low and the kids may only get a very superficial version of the faith. It seems harder for parents as most of them aren’t growing up in close knit Catholic communities so it all falls on them. In addition with both parents working in many families they have less time and energy for the kids. There aren’t easy answers to these social factors.
 
I see it all the time. The difference between parents who do all those things and those who don’t tend to be that the children of the former are a lot more likely to come back eventually. It doesn’t mean their children never leave at all. Those who don’t consider whether their methods of upbringing plant the seeds of resentment against the Church (which should be resentment against the parents) probably do worse than those who raise their children to see that the children will only remain Catholic for life by an act of will made by each child, not by the willpower of the parents.

The Church teaches things that the modern world rebels at. It is not a surprise that Christians who are immersed in the world by necessity, in order to make a living, and who are accepted as individuals in the professional world on the condition that they hide their faith, find that they have a community ready to embrace them whether or not they are faithful to their religious duties or not. Sometimes, this “tolerant” professional and social world is even quick to applaud the intelligence of Catholics who join the enlightened ranks of former Catholics. Even on the campuses of Catholic universities, the Catholics refrain from expressing words of judgment against those who have quit their practice of the faith. Those on the outside of the Church feel no such scruples, but feel very free to comment on whether those who practice the faith are improving the world by their observance or not. Many, in fact, are in a big hurry to compare those who avail themselves of the sacraments and those who don’t and to conclude that the former “aren’t any better” than anyone else.

There was a time when we Catholics were a group of outsiders, marginalized on more or less ethnic grounds. There was also a time when Catholics expected each other to practice…it wasn’t just our grandmothers asking if we had been to Mass. That world of discrimination against us, the world in which not a few of us had a community if we went to church but none if we didn’t, kept some of us in the fold who would have otherwise strayed.

We live in the world, now, fully in the world. We have people identifying as Catholic on the national stage who feel free to criticize what the Church teaches, comparing her unfavorably to denominations that have conformed more fully to the standards of the world. When we say we feel under seige, we are jeered at, as if these complaints are meaningless coming from such a flawed Leviathan as we are.

It is worthwhile to ask parents if they are really preparing their children to carry the faith as their own when they go out into the world. Of course it is. That should not be implied to be a guarantee (and I hope the homilist was by no means implying that it could have been a guaranee) that there is a way to bring up a child in the faith so that all chance of the child leaving the faith has been extinguished. Children grow up to be free moral agents, and they will be tempted on every side, so that way does not exist.
Well said:thumbsup:
 
I have a friend in her 80’s who raised 5 children. She converted to the Catholic faith when she got married. They all went to Catholic schools growing up and they all stopped practicing Catholicism once they reached adulthood. The same can be said for another friend’s children.
I think I would feel devastated, but you can’t force someone to practice a religion or faith once they reach adulthood in our country anyway.
 
I will say this… Everyone I know where all of their kids grew up Catholic and are still practicing and are very devout all prayed the Rosary at home as a family.

If being Catholic only happens at Church, it won’t stick with today’s youth, like it didn’t stick with Generation X and didn’t stick with many Baby Boomers (I know many Baby Boomers who either left for Evangelicals or stopped going all together).
 
In the US, over 40% of those raised Catholic have left the faith. Of these, about 25% become Protestant and about half report that they are unaffiliated with any religion at all. Those are truly dismal statistics, but it is hard to chalk it up to Catholic adherence to her traditional teachings. As far as I know, denominations that changed their teachings to conform to secular attitudes aren’t faring any better.

People born in the US are not particularly inclined to practice the religion they were raised in. If changing from one Protestant denomination to a different one is considered changing religions, then about 40% of all Americans raised in some particular religion will change their affiliation at some time during adulthood. If changing between Protestant denominations is not counted as changing religions, then there are still about a third of US citizens switching faiths. (There are numbers from Pew research studies.)
 
While I don’t have numbers to back this up, I would also suggest that a lack of belief in the Real Presence is part of the problem here. If you don’t believe a Miracle happens at Mass, then you will listen to others
 
While I don’t have numbers to back this up, I would also suggest that a lack of belief in the Real Presence is part of the problem here. If you don’t believe a Miracle happens at Mass, then you will listen to others
I agree.
 
While I don’t have numbers to back this up, I would also suggest that a lack of belief in the Real Presence is part of the problem here. If you don’t believe a Miracle happens at Mass, then you will listen to others
The presence has kept me there, otherwise it’s just a building full of strangers.
 
The presence has kept me there, otherwise it’s just a building full of strangers.
That’s kind of sad actually. You should take the time to get to know some of them. Join a bible study or prayer group or something. God bless you.
 
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