Fathers and Daughters

[Lea101]

This is more of a light hearted post

So my dad is being really controlling lately. I am 18, which means I’m old enough to consume alcohol here. I’m also in a “mixed school”. I used to study in a girls’ school since I was 7. He does not allow me to wear shorts or skirts to school (I’m more of a skinny jeans person, though, so I’m fine with that). He does not allow me to drink alcohol, and he gets angry when I talk to guys in my class (even if it is for projects).

Obviously, he does not do the same thing for my brothers.

Just want to know why this seems like a universal thing for dads to be this unreasonable. I get that this comes from a place of protection, but he was never really the dad who cares. And also, unreasonable. Both of us know that I can’t get a boyfriend even if I prance around naked with cans of beer taped to my body

And are there any dads who do the same for their sons? I mean there are really dangerous girls out there too, you know!

And also, if there is anything I can do to not make him be this way, let me know, PLEASE

 

[1ke]

This is more of a light hearted post

It’s not a light hearted post. It’s disturbing on several levels.

Just want to know why this seems like a universal thing for dads to be this unreasonable.

It is not a universal thing for dads to be unreasonable. YOUR dad is unreasonable.

Both of us know that I can’t get a boyfriend even if I prance around naked with cans of beer taped to my body

This is disturbing, and I’ll say once again you need to talk to a counselor. You have, in multiple posts, made derogatory comments about your own looks, being a woman, and the possibility of finding happiness and a mate.

And are there any dads who do the same for their sons? I mean there are really dangerous girls out there too, you know!

You mention in another post that your mother died. You mention repeatedly that looks are important in your culture, that you doubt your own looks and hate your looks, and other comments. Some of the comments about your dad lead me to believe you dad may be experiencing grief, depressions, or may be overwhelmed with raising his children after the loss of your mother.

You say in another post that you aren’t depressed and are “just fine” but your posts say otherwise.

Get some professional help. Talk to a counselor at your school. You have some serious issues and they cannot be resolved here. You have some ideas about men, women, and relationships that are off base and we cannot convince you otherwise, as they seem to come from your own self-identity and dislike of your looks and body.

And also, if there is anything I can do to not make him be this way, let me know, PLEASE

You can’t make other people “be” a certain way. You can express your feelings, particularly related to the growing independence an 18 year old needs and expects. There may be cultural norms at play here too, you don’t say where you live. You can talk through how you gain independence incrementally over time, add responsibility and create trust.

You might also talk with your dad together with a priest, trusted older adult, or school counselor.

 

[Lea101]

It’s not a light hearted post. It’s disturbing on several levels.

It is not a universal thing for dads to be unreasonable. YOUR dad is unreasonable.

This is disturbing, and I’ll say once again you need to talk to a counselor. You have, in multiple posts, made derogatory comments about your own looks, being a woman, and the possibility of finding happiness and a mate.

You mention in another post that your mother died. You mention repeatedly that looks are important in your culture, that you doubt your own looks and hate your looks, and other comments. Some of the comments about your dad lead me to believe you dad may be experiencing grief, depressions, or may be overwhelmed with raising his children after the loss of your mother.

Yeeessh. Am I that depressing that I don’t even know what is disturbing anymore

my friends and I like to say stuff like that. I wasn’t honestly trying to put myself down like that. It kind of meant that it is impossible for me to find someone right now

I do believe my dad is struggling to be a decent parent and is going overboard though, but I do see a lot of crazy dads in other cultures. We have heard of dads joking about the shotguns and girls going to extreme lengths to hide their relationships. that unreasonable behavior does seem quite common IMO, which was why I asked.

 

[1ke]

Yeeessh. Am I that depressing that I don’t even know what is disturbing anymore

Sometimes we can’t see that the comments we make are a symptom of a deeper problem. Talking about things with an objective third party can help us see destructive patterns of behavior and confront the masking behaviors we create to hide our pain and insecurities.

my friends and I like to say stuff like that. I wasn’t honestly trying to put myself down like that. It kind of meant that it is impossible for me to find someone right now

Maybe you and your friends could instead focus on virtue-- building each other up, praying for each other, supporting each other positively instead of cut downs.

I do believe my dad is struggling to be a decent parent and is going overboard though, but I do see a lot of crazy dads in other cultures. We have heard of dads joking about the shotguns and girls going to extreme lengths to hide their relationships. that unreasonable behavior does seem quite common IMO, which was why I asked.

Schedule a time with your dad to talk to him and explain that you know he will always worry about you, but as you continue to move into adulthood you and he need to negotiate that together and look at ways that you can increase your independence and start making decisions about your clothing, activities and such on your own.

 

[AClaire11]

Yeeessh. Am I that depressing that I don’t even know what is disturbing anymore

my friends and I like to say stuff like that. I wasn’t honestly trying to put myself down like that. It kind of meant that it is impossible for me to find someone right now

I do believe my dad is struggling to be a decent parent and is going overboard though, but I do see a lot of crazy dads in other cultures. We have heard of dads joking about the shotguns and girls going to extreme lengths to hide their relationships. that unreasonable behavior does seem quite common IMO, which was why I asked.

Maybe my experience is unusual, but I have never heard of the bolded happening anywhere outside of television.

 

[LethalMouse]

This is more of a light hearted post

So my dad is being really controlling lately. I am 18, which means I’m old enough to consume alcohol here. I’m also in a “mixed school”. I used to study in a girls’ school since I was 7. He does not allow me to wear shorts or skirts to school (I’m more of a skinny jeans person, though, so I’m fine with that). He does not allow me to drink alcohol, and he gets angry when I talk to guys in my class (even if it is for projects).

Obviously, he does not do the same thing for my brothers.

Just want to know why this seems like a universal thing for dads to be this unreasonable. I get that this comes from a place of protection, but he was never really the dad who cares. And also, unreasonable. Both of us know that I can’t get a boyfriend even if I prance around naked with cans of beer taped to my body

And are there any dads who do the same for their sons? I mean there are really dangerous girls out there too, you know!

And also, if there is anything I can do to not make him be this way, let me know, PLEASE

Actually logically if he is even the slightest bit aware of your self image issues, this would make alot of sense.

You harp on your looks, but meh you say you have some issue on your face? And you supposedly are now normal weight after being too skinny? So I doubt fat.

So even if you were half as ugly as you seem to think yourself (which I still doubt) but if, some guys will want you.

However some will be not so good, and if a bad guy smells your issues he can pounce.

You are convinced no guy will want you, which will also make you quasi skeptical if one does. But if he has a minute amout of skill he will work around or through that. Then a guy dealing with a low self esteem girl who thinks she has NO other options???

Yeah if it is the bad guy we all know what that can turn out like.

And you may say you have that alternate personality but some are good enough to see through those things. You actually sound like a good target for a good guy who could lift you up and you woukd probably after experiencing acceptance make a great wife…

But you are also a great target for a bad guy who can use you, and dad might see that.

Or dad could just be a bit over the top lol. Idk but tbh given I question your true image, and I see your personality here, I havw thought before that it would be sad if a guy uses you negatively as your first relationship

 

[LethalMouse]

Maybe my experience is unusual, but I have never heard of the bolded happening anywhere outside of television.

In the US if you date a girl you usually get some kind of joking riot act like this lol.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Unfortunately, girls are repeatedly told they mature faster than boys. It is a useful lie older guys like to tell younger women/girls to con them into things they really aren’t emotionally ready for. Also, given that there tend to be more predatory guys than girls and most younger men lack the confidence to be ‘players’ Dads do tend to be a bit more protective of daughters than sons. Some Dads also tend to be a bit more sensitive about a lot of media portraying dads/men as clueless which tend to undermine their ability to give advice to their daughter and have it taken seriously.

As for alcohol-- that’s a subject for individual judgment and parents can reasonably take different approaches- especially considering the nature of their own children. What works for one child doesn’t necessarily work for others. I’ve introduced my kids to alcohol at a younger age to drink at home, to deglamorize it as not some big deal, familiarize themselves with it’s affects in a safe environment. There is one basic rule to safety:

Don’t do anything stupid.

Everything else about safety is the why- lack of knowledge/training; misplaced motivation; complacency and-

Alcohol makes you stupid. That phrase ‘lowers inhibitions’ means that even in low doses it quiets that voice warning you that some particular action is stupid. At large doses it incapacitates you making you vulnerable to predators. It’s why it’s a tool of serial killers of both men and women. Some folks even drink it to quiet the voice, so they will act stupidly.

As a dad there does need to be trust between you and your kids. Bad on the relationship for kids to hide things from their parents as it destroys trust when it eventually comes out. I let my kids stay out later than a lot of folks, go places other parents won’t because as far as I know they are truthful with me. If I find out they lied, it will change. My rule was no one on one dating until 16, only hanging out in large mixed groups before that (how else is a girl or boy going to start figuring out how to deal with the opposite sex).

I do want to be a fail-safe for my kids. Give them plausible cover of- ‘I can’t do that, if Dad finds out he’ll go ballistic!!!’ Be it speeding in the car, sneaking out, whatever. Hence

I never call the boyfriends by their name. I refer to them by a number. Dash-1, dash-5…

When the young man asks why I’m not using their name I tell them:

• You may not be around that long and I don’t want to get too attached.
• I don’t want to start thinking of you as human. It will make it tougher to do what might need to be done.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Maybe my experience is unusual, but I have never heard of the bolded happening anywhere outside of television.

I went hunting with several of my girlfriends fathers. You don’t think they really wanted to take me hunting do you? The key I found was to have a bigger gun and be a better shot!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This is more of a light hearted post

So my dad is being really controlling lately. I am 18, which means I’m old enough to consume alcohol here. I’m also in a “mixed school”. I used to study in a girls’ school since I was 7. He does not allow me to wear shorts or skirts to school (I’m more of a skinny jeans person, though, so I’m fine with that). He does not allow me to drink alcohol, and he gets angry when I talk to guys in my class (even if it is for projects).

Obviously, he does not do the same thing for my brothers.

Just want to know why this seems like a universal thing for dads to be this unreasonable. I get that this comes from a place of protection, but he was never really the dad who cares. And also, unreasonable. Both of us know that I can’t get a boyfriend even if I prance around naked with cans of beer taped to my body

And are there any dads who do the same for their sons? I mean there are really dangerous girls out there too, you know!

And also, if there is anything I can do to not make him be this way, let me know, PLEASE

I will say your post is concern g and not lighthearted.

You also might want to think that even though drinking may be legal, perhaps your father knows better than you about how prudent that is for you. And yes, there may be a double standard with your brothers but we live in a world that carries more dangers for young women. Perhaps even more so where you live.

 

[Lea101]

I went hunting with several of my girlfriends fathers. You don’t think they really wanted to take me hunting do you? The key I found was to have a bigger gun and be a better shot!

 

[Lea101]

Or dad could just be a bit over the top lol. Idk but tbh given I question your true image, and I see your personality here, I havw thought before that it would be sad if a guy uses you negatively as your first relationship

TBH I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought of that yet. My friends and I joke that I’ll probably fall in love with a guy if he said he liked my nails,.lol.

 

[1ke]

In the US if you date a girl you usually get some kind of joking riot act like this lol.

Having lived in the US my whole life, I would say it is far from “usually”… like never. As Claire said-- in movies (and country western songs).

 

[Lea101]

Alcohol makes you stupid. That phrase ‘lowers inhibitions’ means that even in low doses it quiets that voice warning you that some particular action is stupid. At large doses it incapacitates you making you vulnerable to predators. It’s why it’s a tool of serial killers of both men and women. Some folks even drink it to quiet the voice, so they will act stupidly.

As a dad there does need to be trust between you and your kids. Bad on the relationship for kids to hide things from their parents as it destroys trust when it eventually comes out. I let my kids stay out later than a lot of folks, go places other parents won’t because as far as I know they are truthful with me. If I find out they lied, it will change. My rule was no one on one dating until 16, only hanging out in large mixed groups before that (how else is a girl or boy going to start figuring out how to deal with the opposite sex).

I do want to be a fail-safe for my kids. Give them plausible cover of- ‘I can’t do that, if Dad finds out he’ll go ballistic!!!’ Be it speeding in the car, sneaking out, whatever. Hence

I never call the boyfriends by their name. I refer to them by a number. Dash-1, dash-5…

When the young man asks why I’m not using their name I tell them:

• You may not be around that long and I don’t want to get too attached.
• I don’t want to start thinking of you as human. It will make it tougher to do what might need to be done.

My dad will tell me nicely that if I like a boy, i should bring him home and let my dad decide. He acts like he’s all cool with it because he doesn’t want me to date behind his back…the funny thing is that we both know he doesn’t want me to date until I’m working (which if I do well in school, it would be when I’m 26?!).

He doesn’t allow me to hang out in mixed groups as well.
That’s fine because my close friends are all girls, and I’m more of a introvert, but I’m stubborn and I would like to have that option, haha

 

[pianistclare]

Frankly, none of this sounds funny to me.
Obviously we don’t know your dad, but a parent’s job is to prepare their child to leave the nest. To make sure they are not stupid and naïve, but also not scared to death of everyone. There doesn’t seem to be any balance here. Yes, he is protective. That’s great. But not “allowing” anything fails to prepare you for anything.
Your threads present a cry for help, and then you backtrack and say “oh he’s fine, everything’s great, hahaha!”.
Clearly it’s not.
Find a mentor at your college, meet with the school counselor, make a friend at your parish that you can speak frankly with.
If find you need help, ask your advisor at college to point you in the right direction. Singapore is a long long way from any of us and a vastly different culture than any of us have experienced. I hope you can understand why people are alarmed.
I’ll pray for your situation.

 

[Lea101]

I tried talking to my dad, it didn’t really work. He said he trusts me but then does stuff like this

 

[Elena321]

I think its great that you are from Singapore and posting here.

This might sound strange,but sometimes I wish my dad was more like this (protective not controlling).
I think he raised us to be independent & expected us to be able to think for ourselves but sometimes I feel it sounds nice to have one of those protective type dads whos concerned about protecting you from certain guys.

 

[Lea101]

I think its great that you are from Singapore and posting here.

This might sound strange,but sometimes I wish my dad was more like this (protective not controlling).
I think he raised us to be independent & expected us to be able to think for ourselves but sometimes I feel it sounds nice to have one of those protective type dads whos concerned about protecting you from certain guys.

Not certain, all guys he wants me to be a nun

I thought protective brothers/fathers are really cute but I was mortified when my dad yelled at me bc he found out i was skyping with 2 other guys (to discuss our group assignment!!’ They heard him. Loud and clear

 

[ConfusedLucy]

He sounds very overprotective to me. In an ideal world parents prepare you for adulthood but this can be hard for some and they go the overprotective route. I second PianistClare’s advice to get a mentor and prepare for adulthood as this is something your dad is unable to do. Also focus on your school work, is living away from home to study an option? This would be good for you. What about getting a part time job to build your confidence?

I don’t want to worry you but I have known people with very overprotective parents and their early adult years can be very difficult as their parents have babied them so much and your boss or further education teachers won’t be willing to do that.

 

[Lea101]

He sounds very overprotective to me. In an ideal world parents prepare you for adulthood but this can be hard for some and they go the overprotective route. I second PianistClare’s advice to get a mentor and prepare for adulthood as this is something your dad is unable to do. Also focus on your school work, is living away from home to study an option? This would be good for you. What about getting a part time job to build your confidence?

I don’t want to worry you but I have known people with very overprotective parents and their early adult years can be very difficult as their parents have babied them so much and your boss or further education teachers won’t be willing to do that.

I’m not in university (hopefully in 2019/2020 if I do well) so staying at home is not an option. While I can live in a dorm then, I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that because of financial issues/the environment. It’s also a cultural/social norm for us to live with your family until you are married (housing is really tight, you need to be married if you want to buy/rent an apartment)

Probably will get a part time job during school breaks, I really need the money.

My dad seems to “let me be independent” in the sense that I have to do all the housework, all the clothes/cosmetics I buy are from my allowance etc, scolds me for being anti social, is trying to force the idea of joining a church group…but then he will have a meltdown if I were to hang out with a mixed group