Fathers and teenage daughters- Who's in charge?

[CuriousInIL]

You are definitely missing it It is sexual in nature
The only shirts I let my teen where with writing is the name of the Co. who made the t-shirt.

Still not getting it. I would get it if it was “Getting Lucky” but “Feeling Lucky” not so much. Oh well, naive is a unique problem for me. First time in fact. Anyone who cares to enlighten me by PM, feel free–or not–whatever.

 

[SeekerJen]

But when addressing school dress code to the class, my favorite line is to ask the girls to make sure everything that is supposed to be covered IS covered…You know…make sure Victoria has a few secrets left.
Good for giggles, but drives the message home.

Hee. I like that.

As someone who spent all of her early teens wearing the baggiest clothing possible, I’d like to comment to the OP that perhaps parents shouldn’t discourage things that modestly show the feminine form, such as dresses or blouses shaped with darts and seams- not skin-tight, but not baggy sacks either. There’s no reason for girls to be ashamed of their bodies as I was. Unfortunately teaching the difference between “classy and beautiful” and “trashy” means more work for Mom and Dad.

As for shorts: aren’t crop pants and Bermuda shorts still in style? I’m almost 30 so maybe an old fogie by teen standards, but stores like NY and Company and similar all have knee-length Bermudas. Those are super-cute and trendy.

 

[mozier]

I am the father of two teenage girls, ages 16 and 13. God help me.

The elder one is a problem. She is a very intelligent girl and does excellent in school. I am very proud of her, but I do not like the way she dresses at all. I find it to be too skimpy, but when I object, her mother actually defends her! The line is, 'Oh daddy, it is hot outside! I need to be comfortable!" This is Florida, mind you, but I don’t think she needs to go out with shorts that ride up her behind. But I always get outvoted by her and her mom.

So what I do instead is terrorize any males that come within a mile of her. I am known to be the most feared dad in her high school. And yes, I do get my digs in, like when I ask if she’s ready to go out and she shows up at the door, I’ll say, 'Aren’t you going to get dressed?" She then gets all mad, but I get a good laugh out of it. Personally, I wish we dressed like we did 100 years ago. Now that was the way to dress!

 

[Lil_M]

Agreed with PP, if it’s enforced all along it’s not a huge problem when they get older. Now sometimes I like to dress “up” a little to go out but nothing compared to what I see 14 year olds wearing to school! My parents were a lot older and I was the 4th girl, so I didn’t get away with much until I went to university And by the time frosh week was done I never wore those shirts again!

HOWEVER…

It is really hard to find clothes that are NOT tight/have gross messages on them! When I was a teenager I liked those cute T-shirts with stuff written on them but it was like one day I couldn’t find a single one that wasn’t dirty, and I haven’t bought one since. I absolutely HATE having to hike up my pants constantly but I honestly can’t find jeans that don’t do that! So I’ve started buying (plain) t-shirts a size bigger so they hang longer. Which makes me feel like slob And stuff written on the bum was never cool IMO.
Now I’m a twentysomething so yeah, I have mostly “nice” shirts and pants, but it’s tough when you want to be trendy and still cover your butt (literally).

 

[Maxply]

I’m glad someone’s concerned with this topic. Two anecdotes:

1. about 5-7 years ago, I was walking through the local mall. There’s a teenage girl, say about 15-16, walking by herself wearing a t-shirt with the Nike swoosh and the words “Just Do Me.”

That made me sad for her really, after the basic confusion went away.

1. The last time I was in a mall I walked by the Abercrombie & Fitch store, which has a big black and white, “sexy” photo of some guys playing tag half-naked, or something stupid like that.

I was surprised and just had a long, public, loud laugh at it! Couldn’t help myself. It was a hilariously dumb consumer trick.

 

[Larowyn]

I try to inject a little reverse social engineering whenever I can. For instance, whenever I refer to the tattoos girls wear on the smalls of their backs, I call them tramp stamps (because that’s what they are). If I had a daughter who came home with one, I’d ask her to what pimp she contracted herself. There’s nothing wrong with being openly critical of how society is trying to make formerly unacceptable things acceptable; there are many girls who dress like back alley hookers but they don’t want to be considered one. Ask why that is, and apply the duck test.

I see girls at my college who show their thongs just by sitting down in front of me in class. I haven’t ever been able to work up the courage to pass them a note asking them to pull up their pants though. There are girls who do take measures to make sure that they aren’t showing anything to anyone, and I’ve seen girls wear clothes that cover themselves adequately while still looking attractive.

Speaking of thongs, what is the point of thongs? One woman said it’s because they hide the panty line, but couldn’t that be done with other kinds of underwear?

 

[Scanner]

Originally Posted by drafdog forums.catholic-questions.org/images/buttons_cad/viewpost.gif
Father of three married daughters. Never had the problem you’re discussing.
Daughters not intending to enter a celibate life style should dress in a fashion to attract a suitable husband.

Matthew
There is a difference between looking beautiful and looking sexy, though. Modern society confuses the two. Lots of magazines, advertisements, and celebrities now depict women who don’t look fit to bear a child.

I believe that “looking sexy” is not a good thing (unless it’s for your spouse). Attracting men purely by arousing them is likely to attract a man who has his priorities out of order, in addition to being a sin (leading others into sin).

When I see a woman who is dressed inappropriately, they immediately my respect and my interest. If they wish to present themselves as a sex object, so be it. I am not interested. I’m in college, I see this all the time.

I have a great deal of respect for women who do not succumb to cleavage and the like. I know it isn’t easy.

----- I will have to agree with the response to the above.

I am well aware of the biology of mate attraction; I am mature enough to know that “putting your wares” out there is a fact of life (for women, their body, for men, their earning potential on the basest of levels).

That being said, you don’t think sex and marriage go hand in hand, do you? (<— don’t take that out of context - even though the two should go hand in hand) I don’t think I am being too surprising when I announce the forum that there are guys out there who just want to get into your daughter’s pants with no intention of marrying them.

I have 2 sons and another son due next month (they tell me). . .I look at the flip side of this.

How do I convince them to be “nice guys” when women nowadays are just flaunting it? I am not sure how to teach them to keep it reigned in.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I try to inject a little reverse social engineering whenever I can. For instance, whenever I refer to the tattoos girls wear on the smalls of their backs, I call them tramp stamps (because that’s what they are).

Wow. I have a nice lower back tattoo. Glad to know there are people out there who think I am a tramp because of it. I chose that location precisely because it would be hidden. I can choose if I’d like to reveal it or not. And yes, as a teen I did wear shirts that allowed it to show. But it was the shirt that could have been considered trampy, not the tattoo.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’m a stay-at-home dad of 3 kids, two sons 16,10 and a daughter 4
The problem is when parents don’t act like parents and take charge of their kids from the start. My kids know who the boss is in the house. Not to sound like a dictator, but they know that what we say… goes. They have their freedom to make choices and when they make the wrong choice they are corrected, and punished if needed.
I keep hearing that the girls should not be allowed to wear things that are “sexy” or revealing. I agree. But how about not allowing them to buy those things in the first place. Hey here’s a revelation… go through their closet and take those cloths out so the whole problem is avoided. You say they will hide the cloths?
Then go through the rest of their room and find them. My kids know that if I think something is up or they are being “out of character” I’m going to go through their whole room… under bed, in drawers, behind boxes… wherever. Privacy is thier’s to a point but they know that nothing is “off-limits” to the “Dad Search”

Love and respect your kids… but for goodness sakes be their parents… not their best friend.

Paul

**
I agree. The only thing I would like to add is that young girls need their fathers to tell them WHY wearing that kind of clothing is not appropriate. Because they are worth so much more than that! I am sure you already do this with your daughters but it didn’t come across in your post. I know my husband sometimes falls into the mindset of “because I said so”. As a former teen girl I can explain to him how that doesn’t work.**

 

[deb1]

Wow. I have a nice lower back tattoo. Glad to know there are people out there who think I am a tramp because of it. I chose that location precisely because it would be hidden. I can choose if I’d like to reveal it or not. And yes, as a teen I did wear shirts that allowed it to show. But it was the shirt that could have been considered trampy, not the tattoo.

I do not think that tattoos on the lower back are unattractive nor do I think that they make a woman look like a slut. But I have so often heard those tattoos called tramp stamps that I wouldn’t want my daughter to wear a fake tattoo on her lower back because of the connotations. I don’t think that a lower back tattoo is at all immodest or sexual and I honestly don’t understand the reason why some do.

 

[deb1]

Its surprising how many women I come across that act as though their husband’s opinion on the subject of modest dress is something to be completly disregarded and not even taken into consideration.

My hubby has very few requests about our daughters’ dress. He leaves that up to me. But he has asked that they not wear spaghetti straps. This has always seemed like such a small rule that I don’t see the problem with keeping it.

On the rare occasions though that I have gone shopping with other mothers and mentioned that I wouldn’t buy a certain dress or top for my daughters’ out of respect for my husband’s one clothing request, I have been met with outraged disbelief. You would have thought that my husband had ordered my daughters to wear burquas.

Personally, spaghetti straps in sundresses don’t seem bad to me, but considering how laid back my hubby is in most areas, I don’t understand the big deal in respecting his wishes in this one regard.

 

[Chovy]

I do not think that tattoos on the lower back are unattractive nor do I think that they make a woman look like a slut. But I have so often heard those tattoos called tramp stamps that I wouldn’t want my daughter to wear a fake tattoo on her lower back because of the connotations. I don’t think that a lower back tattoo is at all immodest or sexual and I honestly don’t understand the reason why some do.

As far as the tattoos on the lower back go, IMO it depends on the nature of the tattoo and on how it is displayed or not displayed. If the tattoo said something like the above refrenced shorts, “Juicy” or drew attention to the owner’s on-display posterior and thong- I think it should be interpreted as being racy. The garment(s) themselves would be the root problem, but I think the tattoo advertising the hiney would be no less offensive. If the picture was something innocuous or was generally on display only for one’s spouse, that’s a whole different thing.

 

[ack]

I’m a guy and I’ll add my (name removed by moderator)ut to the discussion…

I think lower back tattoos can be immodest because they draw the man’s eye towards the woman’s butt.

If a woman without a tattoo is wearing a skimpy shirt, I probably won’t look or really it. However, if the tattoo is there, I’ll feel invited to look down at “that area”, and then notice the shirt and everything else.

Of course, if the tattoo is covered by a shirt, there will be no issue.

I do not think that tattoos on the lower back are unattractive nor do I think that they make a woman look like a slut. But I have so often heard those tattoos called tramp stamps that I wouldn’t want my daughter to wear a fake tattoo on her lower back because of the connotations. I don’t think that a lower back tattoo is at all immodest or sexual and I honestly don’t understand the reason why some do.

 

[HouseArrest]

People tend to go with the flow on a lot of things. They buy what is in the store and don’t think a thing of it. You really have to pay attention to keep away from the immodest clothing out there. We have four daughters and I had to consciously rid our house of the shorts with the words on the rear end. (They were hand me downs from friends.) I know lots of very nice families whose daughters wear these. They just don’t think about it. Next thing you know, they’ve added a “tank top”. Now their kids look trampy and they don’t even realize it.

 

[Larowyn]

Wow. I have a nice lower back tattoo. Glad to know there are people out there who think I am a tramp because of it. I chose that location precisely because it would be hidden. I can choose if I’d like to reveal it or not. And yes, as a teen I did wear shirts that allowed it to show. But it was the shirt that could have been considered trampy, not the tattoo.

It’s a kind of branding mark for them.

 

[nannygirl]

I am the father of two teenage girls, ages 16 and 13. God help me.

The elder one is a problem. She is a very intelligent girl and does excellent in school. I am very proud of her, but I do not like the way she dresses at all. I find it to be too skimpy, but when I object, her mother actually defends her! The line is, 'Oh daddy, it is hot outside! I need to be comfortable!" This is Florida, mind you, but I don’t think she needs to go out with shorts that ride up her behind. But I always get outvoted by her and her mom.

So what I do instead is terrorize any males that come within a mile of her. I am known to be the most feared dad in her high school. And yes, I do get my digs in, like when I ask if she’s ready to go out and she shows up at the door, I’ll say, 'Aren’t you going to get dressed?" She then gets all mad, but I get a good laugh out of it. Personally, I wish we dressed like we did 100 years ago. Now that was the way to dress!

This issue is the reason I started this thread. Mothers who sabotage the fathers.

Instead of laughing when your daughter gets mad, maybe you should tell her you will wait till she dresses appropriately, then you will go. It doesn’t matter what your wife thinks if she is wrong. All kids throw tantrums. That’s how they try to get control. When parents just give up - voila!- the kid is in charge and all they have to do is throw a fit every time they don’t get their way. It is the oldest teenage girl trick in the book. Please hold your ground on this. Your daughter will respect you for it eventually- believe me.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

We have three girls. They are still young, but we still teach them that modesty is the best policy when dressing.

When dd#2 was about 3.5 years old, we were walking in a mall and saw a woman (looked mid-20s) walk towards us and her belly was showing (this is a major no-no at our house). As we passed, my 3-year-old says, “Mommy! Did you see that?! She was showing her BELLY-BUTTON!!! Didn’t her mommy tell her not to wear that?”

It was funny…but embarrassing, too…not embarrassing for me, of course…but I felt bad that my 3-year-old called attention to it.

She is now almost 7 and she knows she needs to cover up!!

 

[nannygirl]

People tend to go with the flow on a lot of things. They buy what is in the store and don’t think a thing of it. You really have to pay attention to keep away from the immodest clothing out there. We have four daughters and I had to consciously rid our house of the shorts with the words on the rear end. (They were hand me downs from friends.) I know lots of very nice families whose daughters wear these. They just don’t think about it. Next thing you know, they’ve added a “tank top”. Now their kids look trampy and they don’t even realize it.

I know. I suppose people have been desensitized. It seems like so many teenage girls dress like tramps nowadays compared to how girls dressed when I was growing up (60’s). I’m not prudish and I’m not suggesting jumpers, but what is with the thin, skin tight t-shirts being worn? What is wrong with wearing some sort of top over it? Stuff like that was meant to be layered. I guess what I’m wondering more is why does a 15 or 16 year old girl WANT to attract that kind of attention?

I like fashion and I know what’s out there, so the excuse that there aren’t decent clothes to be found is just not true. What bothers me is that a lot of mothers seem to be encouraging this and the fathers are going along with it to “keep the peace”. That’s why I ask “who’s in charge”.

 

[nannygirl]

I’m a stay-at-home dad of 3 kids, two sons 16,10 and a daughter 4
The problem is when parents don’t act like parents and take charge of their kids from the start. My kids know who the boss is in the house. Not to sound like a dictator, but they know that what we say… goes. They have their freedom to make choices and when they make the wrong choice they are corrected, and punished if needed.
I keep hearing that the girls should not be allowed to wear things that are “sexy” or revealing. I agree. But how about not allowing them to buy those things in the first place. Hey here’s a revelation… go through their closet and take those cloths out so the whole problem is avoided. You say they will hide the cloths?
Then go through the rest of their room and find them. My kids know that if I think something is up or they are being “out of character” I’m going to go through their whole room… under bed, in drawers, behind boxes… wherever. Privacy is thier’s to a point but they know that nothing is “off-limits” to the “Dad Search”

Love and respect your kids… but for goodness sakes be their parents… not their best friend.

Paul

You are acting like a real father should and I applaud you! If only more fathers would…

 

[Monsterkittie]

I think sometimes that these girls feel like they have to display things for other boys to see…so that they can attract the good-looking or cool boys at school. Don’t they know (why haven’t we told them) that the same outfit that allows a 14 or 15 year old boy to see their assets allows the creepy homeless guy they pass on the way to school, or the greasy punk kid that no one likes or the gang-banger that just came back from juvy from seeing the same things?

Did they really dress up like that so the janitors at school can look at their underwear? Did they want all the cafeteria workers to see from here to Miami?

While most of the people that work at the school are wonderful people (I know and respect them all!) we need to remind our girls that whatever a teenager can see, older (even creepier) men can see, too. Is that REALLY what you were trying to do???