Father's Day and Don't Care to Call Dad

[freerf]

It’s father’s day and i don’t care to call my dad. in fact, i’ve not called him in years. some say that i have a moral responsibility to him, but i don’t know. i’ve only seen him maybe 15-20 times in my life. i’ve been over his house a couple weeks at a time on a few occassions. he calls on birthdays and holidays (sometimes). he left my fam when i was 4. he was a drunk. he molested some of my family members. he’s a pagan now.

i don’t really know what my obligations are. should i consider him my father or a sperm donor as dr. laura says? i’ve had other men in my life (as my mom’s boy friends) as a young man for longer periods of time. he’s also very poor now and will probably soon need financial assistance. i have no interest in giving him any money. he’s lived off the gov. all his life. was a draft dodger too as a young man (ironic, eh?) during the vietnam war.

on the plus side he’s been sober for 20 plus years.

what are my obligations to this man? is this the parent i’m to honor as the bible says?

 

[Annabelle_Marie]

It’s father’s day and i don’t care to call my dad. in fact, i’ve not called him in years. some say that i have a moral responsibility to him, but i don’t know. i’ve only seen him maybe 15-20 times in my life. i’ve been over his house a couple weeks at a time on a few occassions. he calls on birthdays and holidays (sometimes). he left my fam when i was 4. he was a drunk. he molested some of my family members. he’s a pagan now.

i don’t really know what my obligations are. should i consider him my father or a sperm donor as dr. laura says? i’ve had other men in my life (as my mom’s boy friends) as a young man for longer periods of time. he’s also very poor now and will probably soon need financial assistance. i have no interest in giving him any money. he’s lived off the gov. all his life. was a draft dodger too as a young man (ironic, eh?) during the vietnam war.

on the plus side he’s been sober for 20 plus years.

what are my obligations to this man? is this the parent i’m to honor as the bible says?

I do know that you will need to forgive this man. Does forgiving mean forgetting? No. Is it a feeling? No-its a choice. I got some very wise words from our priest when I was coming back to the Church about forgiveness in dealing with my mother, who was abuse (physically and psycologically). I will share with you what he said to me.

“We begin by always remembering that forgiveness is not forgetting; forgiveness is not a feeling. You will probably always feel anguish over that memory (and many others). Forgiveness is a choice. A choice to pray for your mom every day; a choice to allow God to enter into that space; a choice in what you say or don’t say about her.”

Notice that is doesn’t say that you have to feel good about the person, that you have to go out of your way for that person. But when you do see him, or he calls–are you kind to him? As far as honoring…you will honor your dad by the life you lead…a life for Christ.

I will be praying for you! God Bless!

 

[IntegraCatholic]

As the other poster noted, you have an obligation to forgive your father. To hold a grudge against him, including “giving him the silent treatment,” is a mortal sin against charity and–perhaps hard to believe for you–against justice. This is because he gave you life, and nothing he can do, no matter how bad, can ever revoke that. It is the greatest gift any human being can give you, even if he has failed in his other obligations. You have an obligation in justice to make an effort mend any grudges in your relationship with him. He may not take well to this, but you have to do your part and cannot just wait around for him to do it. You each have this obligation, in fact, but his neglect of it does not justify yours. Two wrongs don’t make a right, as the saying goes. Finally, you do have some obligation to provide for him as he ages (insofar as reason would allow, e.g., not if he is going to waste his money on illegitimate things, and insofar as your personal finances allow). That doesn’t mean you necessarily have to provide his entire sustenance, but you should play your part as one of his children. Anything more specific than that would require more circumstances and would best be referred to a priest.

 

[Musicadmirer]

It’s father’s day and i don’t care to call my dad. in fact, i’ve not called him in years. some say that i have a moral responsibility to him, but i don’t know. i’ve only seen him maybe 15-20 times in my life. i’ve been over his house a couple weeks at a time on a few occassions. he calls on birthdays and holidays (sometimes). he left my fam when i was 4. he was a drunk. he molested some of my family members. he’s a pagan now.

i don’t really know what my obligations are. should i consider him my father or a sperm donor as dr. laura says? i’ve had other men in my life (as my mom’s boy friends) as a young man for longer periods of time. he’s also very poor now and will probably soon need financial assistance. i have no interest in giving him any money. he’s lived off the gov. all his life. was a draft dodger too as a young man (ironic, eh?) during the vietnam war.

on the plus side he’s been sober for 20 plus years.

what are my obligations to this man? is this the parent i’m to honor as the bible says?

No one owes anything to a sexual predator. God is the giver of life. He chooses who is to exist on this earth, as he did with Adam and Eve. For the sake of your spiritual and psychological well-being, you should forgive, but as Annabelle Marie said, that does not mean to forget.

You have described your father as a life long user and abuser. If you are to give anything to your father, it should be your prayers in the hope of saving his immortal soul.

 

[autdrew]

I was/am in the same position with my father, except he recently ended his 20+ yrs of sobriety. His drinking caused the loss of his pancreas as a young man so, needless to say, this does not bode well for his longevity. He will be but 53 next month.
I was given very similar advice by a priest friend after I came to the Church, with one extra. He told me that forgiving doesnt mean forgetting and forgiving does not mean I have to allow him to hurt me or my family again. I can be polite, on those rare occasions we have contact.But I need not seek out that contact nor allow more contact than I am comfortable with. I can honor him as the father who helped give me life, I can let go of the hurt & anger caused by his actions but that doesnt mean I have to give him permission to do it again.He will never be the father I deserved & no amount of trying on my side will change that. My priest friend let me know that it was ok. I am responsible for myself & my family now & if he is harmful to that, he isnt welcome.
I did not call him nor did I send a card. I thought he had made a turnaround when he returned to the sacraments for the 1st time in decades, but he did not. I do not feel obligated to provide monetary support, nor has he asked. After many years of pain & false promises, false starts, I am at the point where I dont hate him, dont love him, dont have any real feelings one way or the other, except maybe pity.

 

[Newbie2]

I do know that you will need to forgive this man.

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Sometimes we have to take the high road. I understand if you don’t ever want to talk to him or communicate with him ever again in your life.

But consider how Christ treated sinners.

At the very least, please consider praying for him, as often as possible; also pray for guidance as to whether or not he may benefit from a letter or a phone call some time in the future.

If he calls even occasionally…doesn’t that say something about his wanting to keep in touch, even if it’s a lame and inconsistant effort?

 

[Melchior_1]

To the OP; I understand your pain. I haven’t talked to my father (who abused me as a child, lied about it in court and was found “not guilty”) in 20+ years. If I could offer one little piece of advice;

We are all called to forgive one another. We are NOT all called to be reconciled.

We owe reconciliation to God alone, hence it is a Sacrament. But you are under no obligation to contact your father, no obligation to talk, phone, E-Mail. You must (MUST) forgive him, we all called to do that as Catholics. But to reconcile? Not mandatory.

My father tried to reach out to me a year or two ago. I acknowledged that although I forgave him for what he did to me, I did not want him in my life. So I ignored the message. Because he is not going near my wife or my soon-to-be-born child.

Some day, some how God might call me to reconcile with him. When that happens I will act in accordance to God’s will. But right now there is no such call. Long ago I was finally able to forgive that man, which was one of the hardest things I have ever done. So reconciling might be possible…but I haven’t felt that call yet. So until I do, it isn’t happening. Not at all.

Forgive him…pray for his salvation. And move on from what happened. But don’t lose any sleep if you never talk to him again.

I sure as hell don’t.

 

[IntegraCatholic]

No one owes anything to a sexual predator.

How is one’s father a sexual predator now that he is grown? Particularly if seeing him in a public setting or with a group in private?

 

[autdrew]

I have to agree with Melchior & disagree with newbie2.
We are required to forgive those who hurt us but that does not mean we have to have any relationship with that person. I dont see, what is described as “silent treatment” to be holding a grudge. We are entitled to self protection. As for the statement

How is one’s father a sexual predator now that he is grown? Particularly if seeing him in a public setting or with a group in private?

He said that the father molested Other Family Members, not himself. If true, the father is a sexual predator & just because the op is grown doesnt make the father any less of one. What difference does it make to see him in public or private? Sexual predators deserve forgiveness as we all do, that doesnt mean that we have to make them part of the family and potentially providing more innocent victims.

To me, the forgiving & being polite IS taking the high road! I also dont think that some phone calls here & there are indicative of wanting to stay in touch. Sad as it is, there are some people in the world who just dont care about their effect on others & those calls could be more about themselves than any concern for the child. In my case, it is usually because my father has a sudden attack on conscious when he realizes he forgot my birthday or something like that. The sudden contact is to make himself feel better, not actual contrition. I realize that as part of his character, so I am polite, thank him for the call & that is it.

Lets face it, there truly are bad parents. Ive known people who thought their parents were bad because they didnt agree with their parenting decisions & held it against them. I dont think those are the type the OP & myself are talking about. That type should be forgiven and reconciled with. There are some parents who have inflicted lasting damage & if given the chance, would continue to inflict damage. Those types should be forgiven because we are called to forgive as Christians, but should not be required to reconcile themselves to more damage. We can pray for them & should pray for them. More than that, I just dont think it feasible.

 

[Newbie2]

I have to agree with Melchior & disagree with newbie2.
We are required to forgive those who hurt us but that does not mean we have to have any relationship with that person.

To me, the forgiving & being polite IS taking the high road! I also dont think that some phone calls here & there are indicative of wanting to stay in touch. Sad as it is, there are some people in the world who just dont care about their effect on others & those calls could be more about themselves than any concern for the child. In my case, it is usually because my father has a sudden attack on conscious when he realizes he forgot my birthday or something like that. The sudden contact is to make himself feel better, not actual contrition. I realize that as part of his character, so I am polite, thank him for the call & that is it.

Regardless of whether or not the “bad dad” is calling just to make himself feel better or genuinely wants to improve his relationship, he still is staying in touch, no? And that’s what makes this even a wee bit of a dilemma. It would be much easier to just write him off if the OP never heard from him again, no?

Yes, I do agree being polite and forgiving is taking the high road, maybe I wasn’t clear on that.

I’m not saying don’t be polite, but to leave open the possibility of some degree of reconciliation. He apparently is a screwed up individual; maybe he doesn’t know how to start to make things right or straighten out or get help. And maybe he’ll never change.

That’s why I’m saying to pray for guidance in this matter; maybe the Holy Spirit is giving an opportunity to help him out, maybe not.

 

[autdrew]

Newbie, I dont understand what your point is in this. You said
Sometimes we have to take the high road.

If the op has forgiven him, prays for him & is polite if he calls, what more qualifies as the high road?

I will give a quick example of my experience, it is common according to many Ive talked to in the same boat.
Abandoned by parent without contact or support for many years. Suddenly hear from the parent who is full of apologies & promises about the future,usually asking for something they want/need. Really want to believe & hope in the change. Maybe it lasts a bit usually it doesnt. Left more heartbroken,feeling foolish for believing again, cycle repeats.

The last time this happened to me, I told him flat out, in no uncertain terms, this is it. I will not keep going through the emotional turmoil his cycles bring. He swore up & down that it was behind him. I told him I am trusting you & holding you to your word, last chance.He swore on his mother, who had just died, that he would live up to it.

He lived in FL & I in CA, hadnt seen him in years, money is an issue. I am his only child, he has never seen his only grandson & hadnt seen his only granddaughter since she was 2.
After our conversation, I heard from him occasionally & was ok. After my grandfather died, I was told that my father had spent more than a month with him in CA, 1 hour away from me & never even picked up a phone, email, USPS, nothing.I found out in casual conversation with my sister (he is not her father)months later. He never told me why.
I felt justified in cutting off all contact, told my family to never give him my contact info (military family, move alot) and told him to lose my address & phone number because I had TOLD him EXPLICITLY that it was his last chance. I was hurt & angry & it was driving me.
It was after talking to my priest friend about my responsibility to “honor” my father that I realized how wrong I was.
It is wrong to hold on to the anger. It is wrong to hold on to the hurt. It is wrong to hold on to unforgiveness. It was hurting ME & my family far more than it was hurting him. I saw the error of my ways & prayed for him & prayed to forgive him. I did that.
I allowed him to have my contact info & I am polite. I have expressed my forgiveness to him but told him that was going to be all that it would ever be. I know I cannot expect anything from him & he knows that he cannot expect anything from me. We are not enemies but we are not friends.
There has to be boundaries when dealing with a habitual offender especially when there are substance abuse & theft issues. Even more so because I have children who would be impacted.
So I am not sure what more of a high road one can be expected to take. Him calling periodically might mean he wants to stay in touch, or it might mean he wants money. I dont know.I can give him the benefit of the doubt but it is his burden to prove he wants to stay in touch. So if the OP (& myself) are polite, what more can reasonably be expected?The door isnt closed but what more should he do after forgiving, praying & being polite?

 

[Newbie2]

Newbie, I dont understand what your point is in this. You said
Sometimes we have to take the high road.

If the op has forgiven him, prays for him & is polite if he calls, what more qualifies as the high road?

So I am not sure what more of a high road one can be expected to take. Him calling periodically might mean he wants to stay in touch, or it might mean he wants money. I dont know.I can give him the benefit of the doubt but it is his burden to prove he wants to stay in touch. So if the OP (& myself) are polite, what more can reasonably be expected?The door isnt closed but what more should he do after forgiving, praying & being polite?

I think you misunderstand, I agree with you. “Sometimes we have to take the high road” was meant as an “in general” statement, not directed at the OP (or yourself). We’re in agreement here.

 

[freerf]

Fortunately, I think I have forgiven him. One of the blessings God has given me is a healing and comfort with the relationship i have (well, lack of relationship) with my father. i still feel guilty on occassion for not calling on bdays, holidays, etc. it sounds like the consensus is that i don’t have a responsibility to reconcile, even though i do think on some level he wants it. frankly, any reconciliation with this man would be merely superficial anyway. forgiveness without reconciliation is about all i can do.

my sister, however, keeps reminding me that he is sick and apparently she has started to give him money. she did actually have a relationship with him. she lived with him for several years, and so i think she may feel more obligated. i did not. and so i ask her why would i give this man $? is this honoring a parent as God commanded? is he even my parent? i don’t think so. i’d rather save that money for my mother, who raised me and my siblings alone for all those years.

 

[Newbie2]

Fortunately, I think I have forgiven him. One of the blessings God has given me is a healing and comfort with the relationship i have (well, lack of relationship) with my father. i still feel guilty on occassion for not calling on bdays, holidays, etc. it sounds like the consensus is that i don’t have a responsibility to reconcile, even though i do think on some level he wants it. frankly, any reconciliation with this man would be merely superficial anyway. *** forgiveness without reconciliation is about all i can do.***
my sister, however, keeps reminding me that he is sick and apparently she has started to give him money. she did actually have a relationship with him. she lived with him for several years, and so i think she may feel more obligated. i did not. and so i ask her why would i give this man $? is this honoring a parent as God commanded? is he even my parent? i don’t think so. i’d rather save that money for my mother, who raised me and my siblings alone for all those years.

And that’s fine. Superficial reconciliation is better than none at all. If not calling or writing makes you feel guilty, give him a call. No need to have a heart to heart, just call to say hello and keep it brief and superficial.

Yeah, he’s your parent. I don’t particularly like Dr. Laura’s advice on “sperm donors”. If a biological parent shows even an rare, superficial, flawed interest in keeping contact with you, I think it’s good to keep the door open. Maybe not wide open, but open nonetheless. Biological parents that cut off all communication…well, that’s their loss. Personally, if that’s what they want, that’s what they should get.

As far as money…I look at it this way. If you give money to charity, perhaps diverting a bit of it his way if he needs it isn’t a bad idea. Giving to others is a virtue, whether it be a stranger or a family member.

 

[IntegraCatholic]

As far as money…I look at it this way. If you give money to charity, perhaps diverting a bit of it his way if he needs it isn’t a bad idea. Giving to others is a virtue, whether it be a stranger or a family member.

Well put. Of course, we have an even greater obligation to give to family members in need than strangers in need.