Ah, Sunday, and since it’s not a “sacrificial” Lenten day here I am. (Whether that’s a sacrifice for the readers is another topic). . .
Tough topic and already the personal feelings and experiences are coming on strong.
I know men, and women, who are facing or have faced many of the issues here.
Seems to me that there are a lot of factors to consider.
Generally speaking, men make more money. Here’s a hypothetical for you: Family of father, mother, two children. Both work full time, children all school age. He makes 60K and she makes 30 K, all together 90K a year. They are able to put aside considerable savings, the children have various activities, music, summer camp.
She gets custody. He (in NYS) is responsible for paying 25% of his before tax income as child support (this is standard). So OK, he has to then pay $15K a year in child support. That leaves him $45K.
Now SHE, making $30K, has an additional 15K for the children. There are three of them living on 45K and ONE of HIM living on 45K. He has had years of work experience etc, has his pension, has finished his school. His expenses probably aren’t going to rise all that much. He can keep the big screen TV and the Y membership and even a nice 2 week vacation without feeling a pinch.
SHE most likely has fewer years of work experience, may or may not have a pension, has been on “the mommy track” or whatever. In HER case, expenses for the children are more likely to go UP and UP. In order to live within their means, what do you think goes? Yep, the “extras”, the “leisures”, the 'fun". Granted that people do not NEED to have these things, but try telling your 12 year old that he won’t be able to see the friends in summer camp he’s seen for 6 straight summers, or your 9 year old that there isn’t money in the budget for piano lessons any more. Remember that the mom now is responsible for using that $15 K plus a lot more of her own $30K for braces, insurance, college savings, life insurance, etc.
Have more children than two? In NYS it goes like this: 1 child - 19%, 2 children 25%, 3 children 29%. . . The numbers aren’t very good for larger families.
As for “shared parenting” and 50/50, I have to agree, in the majority of cases it does not work and the expenses are NOT equal. (ever see a marriage which supposedly was 50/50? did the husband and wife make EXACTLY the same, work EXACTLY the same hours on any given thing, give EXACTLY the same time and EXACTLY the same effort for every child? Can’t be done. Children are different, require different things at different times).
And if you really want to add “fun” into the mix, add a child with physical or mental disabilities and the concurrent time and expense, especially if one parent wants to try different strategies, different treatments or whatever from the other.
Ronin, currently I have a good male friend facing child support problems, so I understand. He IS a better parent. He IS being treated unfairly. That stinks. It also stinks that I and many other women who are better parents, and especially our children, have been treated unfairly by courts. (and there’s more to parenting than money. Since you ask, the criteria I use for who is a “better” parent is the parent who tries to do what is best for the child, using all resources, whether it’s time, money, whatever, for the child’s good. IOW, instead of throwing money at Johnny for whatever he wants that week, the “better parent” would be talking with Johnny about materialism, about Johnny’s feelings, about strategies for dealing with peer pressure, about ways to earn goods instead of just demand them, and also about what is really important for people in life, just for starters.)
Finally, my main idea (several paragraphs too late, probably) is this:
Before hollering for rights, make sure you’ve covered responsibilities. I am so sick of hearing about people screaming for their “rights” in various areas yet ignoring all the responsibilities that go along with said rights.
!!! I didn’t however count on the fact that my husband was going to have a girlfriend around every corner…so since I kept my end of the deal and he didn’t he gets to get out of child support, spousal support and get 50% custody? I don’t think so, there are consequences to certain actions and unfortunately because of the no-fault divorce men (and women) get away with the minimum!!! There are many women out here who didn’t choose to be in the situation we’re in, unless of course Ronin, you would suggest that I stay with my lying, cheating, drinking, gambling husband, I suppose that would be great for the children?