Favor for friend

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on_the_hill

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A friend asked to borrow our car. This isn’t like to go to a dentist appointment, but to drive well over 100 miles (round trip) to pick up her daughter who is visiting out-of-town.

Her car is not reliable enough to make the trip.

I really want to say no. Why not rent a car? It’s not a matter money. They could well afford to rent a car for the day, or even buy a new one. The problem is the husband/father who is such a cheapskate and trying to live without bowing to Corporate America that he makes life difficult for the rest of his family.

Frankly, I feel put off by being asked to help out people who only need help because of their oppositional, nonconformist philosophies. This isn’t the first time they asked us for help. It’s like they get in a spot where the solution is to comprise their “values” so they stick to their way of life and burden us instead

Anyway, how can I say no? Or should I just suck it up, and do what they want?
 
You can say no very easily. 🙂

First, “no” is a complete sentence. This is a really silly request from someone who could afford to rent a car, and you are under no obligation to go along with it just because they ask. Simply saying “No” politely but firmly when they first ask is acceptable. If you’ve asked for more time to make the decision, saying “We’ve decided that that wouldn’t work for us” later on is also acceptable.

If you feel inclined to give them a more detailed reason–though you do not owe them an explanation–you may say something like “We don’t loan our cars outside our family”–which is also a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Once you’ve made the decision and told them of it, stick to it and don’t give in to any demands for further information, qualifications, and the like. People who see no issue in breaking an initial social boundary generally, when thwarted, go on to harass the person who set the (perfectly reasonable) boundary. Do not permit this. Say in a very firm tone, “We have made our decision. I’m sorry you disagree with it, but it is ours to make, and it is final. I wish you luck in finding another way of picking up your daughter.”

They sound like a very tiresome couple of friends, IMNSHO.
 
This is imperfect and not really charitable, but my opinion. Does the wife (your friend) agree with her husband’s penny-pitching habits, or is she a victim of it? You are right that there is a lack of justice in a situation where someone who can afford something for themselves is still asking for charity from others. But if her husband’s cheapskate habits are something that is an embarrassment and burden on your friend, I wouldn’t make life harder or embarrass her further by refusing.

If you loan the car, the liability is on your insurance. On the other hand, it’s just a car and an act of charity has limitless value. I honestly would only take that risk for a close friend or when I thought it would do someone good.
 
on_the_hill said:
A friend asked to borrow our car. This isn’t like to go to a dentist appointment, but to drive well over 100 miles (round trip) to pick up her daughter who is visiting out-of-town.

Her car is not reliable enough to make the trip.

I really want to say no. Why not rent a car? It’s not a matter money. They could well afford to rent a car for the day, or even buy a new one. The problem is the husband/father who is such a cheapskate and trying to live without bowing to Corporate America that he makes life difficult for the rest of his family.

Frankly, I feel put off by being asked to help out people who only need help because of their oppositional, nonconformist philosophies. This isn’t the first time they asked us for help. It’s like they get in a spot where the solution is to comprise their “values” so they stick to their way of life and burden us instead

Anyway, how can I say no? Or should I just suck it up, and do what they want?
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We used to know a single guy that would do this.

He didn’t own a car. He could afford one, but he felt that a car lost so much of its value just driving off of the lot, it wasn’t worth it.

When we first met him, we thought that he just hadn’t purchased a car. We took him “into town” a couple of times. It was out of our way, but heck, the guy needed a hand.

THEN we realized WHY he didn’t have a car. The problem was, he was fine with us buying a car and the car losing value. HE just didn’t want to do it. :rolleyes:

We stopped driving him around.

I just felt, and feel, that if it is wrong for our friend to lose money when buying a car, isn’t just as wrong for us to lose the money? And the same with your friend. If doesn’t think he should be “bowing to Corporate America,” why should he benefit from you doing so?

It is like not wanting to rob the bank, but being more than willing to live off of the money from the robbery. Of course buying a car shouldn’t be compared to robbing a bank, but since both men see it as a negative, it should make sense to them.
 
This is a situation where you can say, “Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.” You do not have to give a reason, and in my experience it is better to not offer an excuse because of the number of people who take it as an invitation to argue.

If they press you with “why not?”, you can return with, “Um, I said it does not work for me and I said ‘no,’ and ‘no’ is my answer. We’re not having a debate. Besides, I could just as easily ask you why you don’t rent a car. Better yet, just let Sarah rent a car at the airport. One round trip instead of two is a lot better for the environment. But that’s your business. What’s up to me is whether or not my car is available, and the answer is ‘no’”.

As tempting as it is to tell them that you’re sick of making the sacrifices so that they can live with a value system that you don’t share, do not go there. If they do, say, “Well, that is fine for you, very good, but that doesn’t change my answer. I have confidence in you; you can figure something out.”
 
maryjk said:
We used to know a single guy that would do this.

He didn’t own a car. He could afford one, but he felt that a car lost so much of its value just driving off of the lot, it wasn’t worth it.

When we first met him, we thought that he just hadn’t purchased a car. We took him “into town” a couple of times. It was out of our way, but heck, the guy needed a hand.

THEN we realized WHY he didn’t have a car. The problem was, he was fine with us buying a car and the car losing value. HE just didn’t want to do it. :rolleyes:

We stopped driving him around.

I just felt, and feel, that if it is wrong for our friend to lose money when buying a car, isn’t just as wrong for us to lose the money? And the same with your friend. If doesn’t think he should be “bowing to Corporate America,” why should he benefit from you doing so?

It is like not wanting to rob the bank, but being more than willing to live off of the money from the robbery. Of course buying a car shouldn’t be compared to robbing a bank, but since both men see it as a negative, it should make sense to them.
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If it was just about “Corporate America” and not about being cheap, your friend would have awarded you handsomely for your kindness, and still spent far less than a car would have cost him! You’d both come out ahead!! In your case, though, he treated you like he’s your best buddy, came out dollars ahead himself and stuck you with the bill. Nice–so much like The Man these guys complain about, it tells you how much alike they are.

I had a friend who asked me if a close friend of his, also known to me, could borrow my car when he was in town. This guy walked to work and would presumably be spending his time off-work with this friend. So I asked him why this fellow (also quite able to afford renting, BTW) couldn’t borrow* his* car. His answer? His car was nice, the friend had a lead foot, and he didn’t want his friend abusing it. Yeah, well, go jump in a lake. He can either borrow yours or rent. He doesn’t need mine!!! :mad:

These are guys who got many rides to and from the airport from me, and never drove me anywhere. They said thanks, but that was about it. Again: fine if you’re poor, like our other friends, but these guys made more than I did!
 
on_the_hill said:
A friend asked to borrow our car. This isn’t like to go to a dentist appointment, but to drive well over 100 miles (round trip) to pick up her daughter who is visiting out-of-town.

Her car is not reliable enough to make the trip.

[Snip]
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You wrote, “Her car. . .” Does the husband have a car? How about using his car?

“Against the vice of asking there is the virtue of not giving!” I do not know who said that first, but we always say it in my family – copy cat of our Elders! 👍
 
Thank you for your thoughtful answers. And thanks for understanding my rambling.

My wife simply said ‘no, we might need it.’ Which is true.

They have only one car for a family of five with two working parents. The husband is a university professor; their combined income is easily higher than ours. The wife always ends up trying to make ends meet, like buying their clothes at resale shops. Except for the husband. He dresses appropriately well for a uni prof.

Like, he didn’t want his kids to have cell phones because he didn’t want to buy into the iPhone culture–and rationalized that if they ever needed a phone one of their friends would have one. Then he did buy iPhones–from a guy in a McDonals parking lot he met via Craig’s List. Of course the phones didn’t work, and his wife ended up pestering my wife to have AT&T unlock them bc you can have a certain number of phones unlocked through your contract. Basically, they wanted my wife to pretend they were her phones and had somehow malfunctioned.

Enough of my ranting gossip. Almost…the real problem is his arrogant cynical sarcastic oneupmanship with his kids. They’re constantly hearing snitty “jokes,” often at their expense. And they’re growing up to be the same way.
 
“Appropriately well for a university professor” varies wildly by campus.

Your wife’s response was fine. They didn’t even need that much of a reason. There is nothing wrong with refusing to have a thing to do with any request that involves deceit or expects you to make up in charity what a party with a habit of presuming on you could easily do for themselves. That is just another way to say that you do not have to let people take advantage of you.
 
He sounds like a real piece of work.

EasterJoy said:

““Appropriately well for a university professor” varies wildly by campus.”

Yes.
 
Say " YES" this time and next time it’s gonna be something different probably your “house”

Set your boundaries. A good friend will not do this !!!
 
If you don’t want to loan him your car, you shouldn’t, and shouldn’t feel obligated just because he asked.

If it were me, I would not worry about all the reasons he asked, his philosophy on corporate America, or his cheap habits. I would figure out if I could possibly loan him the car and do it if I could. It isn’t worth the ulcer to decide if he deserves it.
 
House Arrest said:

“If it were me, I would not worry about all the reasons he asked, his philosophy on corporate America, or his cheap habits. I would figure out if I could possibly loan him the car and do it if I could. It isn’t worth the ulcer to decide if he deserves it.”

Hey, can I borrow your car?
 
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