Favorite child?

[Annie39]

You really do need to apologize profusely to your husband, and perhaps get some counseling.

You assaulted him for being honest with you. Please, what kind of incentive is that for him to be honest with you in the future? Do you think he may be less likely to be honest and share things with you?

An honest discussion with him may have revealed that his ‘favorite’ isn’t due to a difference in love but the fact he enjoys/relates better to on older child than a younger one. As someone else said, his ‘favorite’ may shift between children due to either relating better to their age or similar personalities and interests. Some adults really have a hard time relating to and understanding their kids in the teen-age rebellious years.

I treat each of my three kids differently because they’re different. I find it easier to do things with the ones that share my interests. I participate in activities with all of them, but its harder to do the activities where the interest isn’t shared. I agree with you that I do love them all the same, but I do respond differently to their different personalities. Which again, may really be what your husband was expressing.

Sorry, kids come to the conclusion of who the favorite is and they can easily be wrong. In my family of six kids growing up, each one pointed to somebody else as the favorite and argued over it.

I did sit my kids down and explain to them who my favorite is when they got into the typical Dad likes you better squabble.

“Dad’s favorite is whoever isn’t p***g him off at the time.”

Well, frankly you sound like a dad whose life revolves around himself.

 

[Serap]

My husband and I had a major fight tonight! I go back to work very soon and I’m scared to death to leave all 3 of our children for him as a stay at home dad, especially now that he has admitted to me that he has a favorite. When I begged him to take it back through tears, he simply told me it was idealistic to think you could love them all the same. I asked him who his favorite was, and he stated “well isn’t it obvious?” ** I was so angry I smacked him across the face. ** We have 3 wonderful children, and I can tell you in complete honesty as I sit here, that I do NOT have a favorite child. I love each of them equally. Sure, they have different personalities, so there are things I like and appreciate about one vs another, but I don’t love or favor one over the other. They are MY babies, my flesh and blood, and I love them so much it hurts. I could not imagine loving one more or less than the others.

Was I wrong to be so angry at him? Does he have a point or is he just disordered in his thinking? I’m so angry!

You “smacked” him across the face in anger…this is abuse. You physically abused your husband and you can’t do that.

I think you are being way too hard and verbally/physically abusive to your husband. Having a favorite is normal. It doesn’t mean that he loves the other 2 any less.

 

[Serap]

Well you were certainly wrong to slap him!

As for the principle involved, I think some people are honest and upfront that it is natural for them to favour one child. Other people find this repugnant. My view is somewhere in between. I think it is certainly natural to favour one child in terms of thoughts and feelings, but I think it is a parental duty, at least while they are in your care, to do as much as possible not to show favouritism, or to treat one differently to the others.

You should try to have a calm discussion about what exactly he means. I think if he means that he tries to treat them equally but natrually feels more affection to one, that you should respect his honesty and the reality that this is often the case. If however he feels that it’s OK to treat one child better than the others, I think you will need to consider this further.

I agree with this ^^

 

[MaryT777]

One set of my grandparents was even more blatant about their favoritism, to the point where their favorite grandchildren were invited over to pick their inheritance before my grandmother died, while the rest of us got nothing. Like Tay said, I can’t comprehend carrying on this behavior.

Almost as troubling is the fact that others accuse my wife & I of favoritism over the tiniest of perceived discrepancies in how we handle our children. It puts the idea that we really do play favorites into our kids’ heads, which at times can be almost as hurtful and difficult to deal with as if we really were doing it. Years ago we took our kids out clothes shopping. Our son refused to wear anything from a thrift store while our girls were more than happy with it. The girls ended up with 5-7 new outfits each while our son only got a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. His one outfit cost more than the girls’ haul, but after a family member accused us of favoring the girls because we bought them so much more, he sulked about it for days. He hadn’t been neglected in the least (if anything, the girls got the short end of the stick), but because someone else convinced him of it, he was crushed.

I can’t reiterate enough how important I think it is to do away with this behavior. I truly believe it can be just as damaging to a child as other forms of abuse.

I completely agree.

 

[Serap]

THAT I find to be repugnant. True that people can’t help their feelings (and apparently it is quite common for parents to admit having a favourite) but that’s not an excuse to make it obvious to the non-favourite child/ren. What are they supposed to do about it, other than feel bad?

Reminds me a bit of parents who tell their children that they were an ‘accident’. Maybe not so bad if they mean ‘happy accident’ but sometimes they don’t. My dad’s mum was always quite open about how she had only wanted the first two of her five children (my dad was number three). I just don’t understand what good that does.

I tell my children that I love them both the same b/c they are so different from eachother. I also tell them that I don’t want anymore children b/c I"m so happy with the babies I have now.

My favourite is my daughter just b/c I can relate to her more than my son, but my son has a lovely sense of humor and always makes me laugh. I do not treat one better than the other; it’s just that my daughter is more like me and I can relate to her.

I just love my kids and even though my daughter is my favourite, I do not have less love for my son, nor does he receive less affection.

 

[Serap]

True, I should not have slapped him, and I do feel badly about it because I NEVER do that. I was angry and upset, not because it struck a nerve of guilt for feeling the same way, because frankly I REALLY can’t identify. It struck a nerve because I had a rush of anger over multiple realizations (1. I realized it WAS obvious who his favorite is. 2. My heart aches that our 2 y/o probably notices and the realization will only grow as that child gets older, and i cant protect from it. 3. My father and my mother were both the least favorite children in their families growing up, and to this day I see them continue to suffer from it. My father’s mother always talks about how she resents him, and I’ve watched him trying to please her my whole life, and it’s never enough. She’s extremely ungrateful, gives my aunts all of her family heirlooms and leaves him with nothing. It hurts so badly to see someone you love so much, be mistreated that way. My mother’s mother doesn’t even talk to my mom anymore unless its to blame her for the misery in her life. 4. We have 3 children, and it brought to light the realization that he doesn’t love our youngest at all as he blames me for the fact that we conceived a 3rd) in that moment, we had been fighting for quite some time, and his attitude was rather smug about everything.

I find this “fact” that someone could love and favor a child more horrifying, I just don’t get it. I think it’s extremely unfair to the other children. I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to make up for hubby’s favoritism and protecting my other children from suffering what my parents did.

Just the other day, my dad sent an Edible Arrangement to his mother for her birthday. I was with her when she received it and she looked at me and said “I’m sure it was your mother’s idea” , then proceeded to call him to say thank you to my mother. He wasn’t surprised, but my mom told me it was 100% my dads idea, like he’s still trying to earn his mothers love. It’s so heart wrenching. If my parents had a favorite child, I really couldn’t tell, and they would never say so. Also, my husband was the least favorite in his family and suffers from it. I’m appalled he would repeat the process.

That is very hard for you both!

Do you really think that your husband would treat your 2 year old like less of a person? Is he blatent with his favoritism?

I was my mother’s least favorite and to this day, I’ve never felt a lot of love. She loved my baby brother the most and then the middle brother 2nd and then me…the scapegoat of the family. I felt unloved and worthless as a kid.

I still have a favorite child…my daughter, but my son is not loved any less. My kids would never be able to guess which one is my favourite b/c honestly, I love them both so much…I am just able to relate to my daughter better simply b/c she’s a girl and our personalities are very similar.

I hope this helps. Your husband can still be a great dad and have a favorite

 

[Serap]

I think you are putting a lot of hurt that you see in your parents onto your husband.

You husband gave you a logical assessment to an emotional issue. You can’t quantify your feelings, but he can.

You say he has a favorite, but you had never noticed it before he said so. He said “Isn’t it obvious?” - and you had no immediate answer.

That tells me that he isn’t acting on this at all - or it would have been obvious.

And if it were true that he were changing his behavior based on this - you can assure him that he would be harming his favorite more than the others. Often a favorite feels guilty. The favoritism causes resentment of his siblings and thus causes negative repercussions. The less favorites have to work harder - and often accomplish more because of it.

But he isn’t treating anyone differently so far. Now it’s in your mind so you’re looking for it. But since your kids are different ages, genders and have different personalities, you can’t be sure what influences his reaction at any one occasion - so you can read anything you want into it.

Your husband was honest with you. May I ask - what brought up the discussion that lead to him revealing that he has a favorite? Did you ask him directly, or did something lead to the conversation?

Exactly this

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, frankly you sound like a dad whose life revolves around himself.

Could you explain please?

My life revolves around my children. Their mother decided when they hit the teen years that they just weren’t her thing anymore and decided to move out. (as some have referred to here- adults do tend to relate differently to children at different ages). She’s content to visit and dabble in their lives at her convenience. She visits them in their home with me as she wasn’t willing to make her home a place where they were welcome.

So, as you can imagine my life is pretty full with the responsibilities for them-- clubs/sports/activities, laundry, cooking, cleaning, appointments, assisting with homework, church, getting them to CCD etc. etc. etc. Not much time for the things I gave up to ensure they’re as secure and comfortable as they can be under the circumstances.

My apologies to you for giving you the impression that I believe it’s a styrgwillidar-centric world.

 

[Serap]

Could you explain please?

My life revolves around my children. Their mother decided when they hit the teen years that they just weren’t her thing anymore and decided to move out. (as some have referred to here- adults do tend to relate differently to children at different ages). She’s content to visit and dabble in their lives at her convenience. She visits them in their home with me as she wasn’t willing to make her home a place where they were welcome.

So, as you can imagine my life is pretty full with the responsibilities for them-- clubs/sports/activities, laundry, cooking, cleaning, appointments, assisting with homework, church, getting them to CCD etc. etc. etc. Not much time for the things I gave up to ensure they’re as secure and comfortable as they can be under the circumstances.

My apologies to you for giving you the impression that I believe it’s a styrgwillidar-centric world.

ignore. it was an uncalled for remark. i wouldn’t bother…grain of salt over your shoulder…

 

[1ke]

The only thing we should be talking about is your admission that you assaulted your husband.

I disagree. And “assaulted” is a bit melodramatic.

I can’t even begin to understand why anyone is entertaining the question itself without addressing that first.

Well, his cumulative behavior as described by the OP on other threads, and his diagnosed mental illness that she is dealing with are why we are “entertaining” other aspects. She needs to get away from him. She has now lost control of her own emotions in trying to deal with his mental illness. She needs to get space and perspective.

 

[hope21]

styrgwillidar - I agree that remark was hurtful & uncalled for.

I re-read your post and could not see anything wrong with it - I thought it was quite amusing at the end.

 

[SamH]

To be honest I don’t think the OP should be allowed near children.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Serap and Hope21,

But, there could be validity if my remarks have come across to at least one person as self-absorbed. It could be useful to the OP in dealing with her husband in considering my remarks.

I think my point was valid. That the husband may be poorly expressing his being able to relate better to one child vice another for some reason. Not a matter of a difference in love or having a favorite as much as the particulars of circumstance.

 

[SamH]

I agree.

If he had hit her, everyone would be up in arms about spousal abuse.

She hits him, and its “you shouldn’t have done that, but let us get on to what is really important.”

Agreed.

If she so casually struck her husband in a rush of emotion what happens when the 2 year ticks her off?

 

[styrgwillidar]

I disagree. And “assaulted” is a bit melodramatic.

Well, his cumulative behavior as described by the OP on other threads, and his diagnosed mental illness that she is dealing with are why we are “entertaining” other aspects. She needs to get away from him. She has now lost control of her own emotions in trying to deal with his mental illness. She needs to get space and perspective.

Sorry, I haven’t read the other posts/threads. There could be manipulative aspect to this on the part of the husband. Saying something to antagonize the OP vice something he truly felt.

If a situation is deteriorating perhaps a family counselor may be helpful if that hasn’t already been pursued.

 

[Annie39]

Could you explain please?

My life revolves around my children. Their mother decided when they hit the teen years that they just weren’t her thing anymore and decided to move out. (as some have referred to here- adults do tend to relate differently to children at different ages). She’s content to visit and dabble in their lives at her convenience. She visits them in their home with me as she wasn’t willing to make her home a place where they were welcome.

So, as you can imagine my life is pretty full with the responsibilities for them-- clubs/sports/activities, laundry, cooking, cleaning, appointments, assisting with homework, church, getting them to CCD etc. etc. etc. Not much time for the things I gave up to ensure they’re as secure and comfortable as they can be under the circumstances.

My apologies to you for giving you the impression that I believe it’s a styrgwillidar-centric world.

I reread what you wrote just in case I posted to the wrong person. Nope. You still sounded like it was all about you and your likes and dislikes. However your further explanation does alter my opinion a bit. When I read that you like the person who is not p**** off at the moment the best, I thought that they were younger children.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I disagree. And “assaulted” is a bit melodramatic.

Well, his cumulative behavior as described by the OP on other threads, and his diagnosed mental illness that she is dealing with are why we are “entertaining” other aspects. She needs to get away from him. She has now lost control of her own emotions in trying to deal with his mental illness. She needs to get space and perspective.

The kids need to stay with a relative or family friend.

Do not sugar coat this. If a woman came on here saying that her husband hit her everyone would be telling her to take the kids and leave, because someone who would strike their spouse out of anger can’t be trusted with children. When this happened the OP’s husband should have grabbed the kids and left until she got some very serious help. If he is not fit to take the kids on his own because of a mental illness, then they need to go stay with grandparents or someone else.

His mental illness did not cause her to hit him. Her own issues did that, and she shouldn’t be alone with her kids until her issues are resolved.

 

[Annie39]

The kids need to stay with a relative or family friend.

Do not sugar coat this. If a woman came on here saying that her husband hit her everyone would be telling her to take the kids and leave, because someone who would strike their spouse out of anger can’t be trusted with children. When this happened the OP’s husband should have grabbed the kids and left until she got some very serious help. If he is not fit to take the kids on his own because of a mental illness, then they need to go stay with grandparents or someone else.

His mental illness did not cause her to hit him. Her own issues did that, and she shouldn’t be alone with her kids until her issues are resolved.

Yep, agree

 

[Serap]

Agreed.

If she so casually struck her husband in a rush of emotion what happens when the 2 year ticks her off?

scary thought. you are a foster parent and you’ve seen it all.

when I’m really mad, I pull my hair and scream or slap the wall. my kids think it’s hilarious and laugh at me.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I disagree.

With what? The suggestion that we should counsel someone not to slap their spouse in the face? Seriously, what part of it are you disagreeing with?

And “assaulted” is a bit melodramatic.

She physically struck someone out of anger with the intention of causing them physical pain. How is that not assault?

Well, his cumulative behavior as described by the OP on other threads, and his diagnosed mental illness that she is dealing with are why we are “entertaining” other aspects.

So if someone is mentally ill, does that give you a license to hit them?

She needs to get away from him. She has now lost control of her own emotions in trying to deal with his mental illness. She needs to get space and perspective.

I’m sure he’s mentally ill, and I agree she should be out of this situation. This is not good. I’ve seen the other threads. But her husband’s mental illness does not give her license to hit him.