Favorite child?

[styrgwillidar]

I reread what you wrote just in case I posted to the wrong person. Nope. You still sounded like it was all about you and your likes and dislikes. However your further explanation does alter my opinion a bit. When I read that you like the person who is not p**** off at the moment the best, I thought that they were younger children.

Thank you. I try to emphasize they can all be my favorites by simply not getting into trouble, by obeying the rules etc. Its not a competition, everybody can ‘be the one’.

For the record, I try not to take offense and assume none is intended and appreciate you responding in kind. Many times the written word doesn’t come across well or with the tone intended by the writer, and I do welcome the feedback in order to clarify comments.

The OP is in a difficult situation if the father means what he says and acts on it to the point it comes across to all the children.

 

[Serap]

With what? The suggestion that we should counsel someone not to slap their spouse in the face? Seriously, what part of it are you disagreeing with?

She physically struck someone out of anger with the intention of causing them physical pain. How is that not assault?

So if someone is mentally ill, does that give you a license to hit them?

I’m sure he’s mentally ill, and I agree she should be out of this situation. I’ve seen the other threads. But her husband’s mental illness does not give her license to strike him.

Where I live it’s against the law to slap someone in the face. She could have been arrested.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Where I live it’s against the law to slap someone in the face. She could have been arrested.

She could have been arrested in any state, and IMO she should have been.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

To be honest I don’t think the OP should be allowed near children.

This is the first thing we’ve ever agreed on.

Watching one parent abuse the other is far more damaging to kids than private favoritism. And heaven forbid the next time her temper gets out of control she takes it out on one of her children.

 

[EasterJoy]

There needs to be a lot of calming down, here. Suffice it to say that the OP and her husband may have some soul-searching to do–I can’t say, because I don’t know what he means by having a favorite–but it is premature to say that somebody ought to move out or that the children will be in danger of permanent scarring if Mom goes back to work or any of that. Not every bad fight is a sign that a marriage needs a hit of dynamite. Usually it means that the marriage needs everyone to STOP and get back to the basics that they intended to stick with when they got married.

Children are resilient, but one of the most difficult things for them to bear is strife between their parents. They can sense it. Resolve to rejoin with your husband, re-commit to love (in the 1 Cor. 13 sense), and start that conversation over. If one of them thinks you’re playing favorites, work on that, but don’t work on it by using the child as a reason to have a falling-out between the parents. Fall back in, and then work on the favoritism issue.

 

[Trishie]

EasterJoy having read through the posts, I’m pleased as always by the wisdom and balance you bring.

I do understand Tay’s hurt. Early favoritism towards my second son by their paternal grandparents hurt me very much, but I just love and wonder at the natures and abilities of my three very different sons.Three amazing treasures who each bring different richness to their families and their communities! However different, they have in common that they are caring and warmhearted, hardworking and honest. Each has excelled in his individual abilities, and despite their different natures and careers, they are close. I can’t love one more than the other though one has needed more ongoing solicitude due to the challenges in his life. Tay understands that this is how it should be, that all, however different, have our profound love. Yes, shocked as she was she shouldn’t have slapped her husband. Both wife and husband need to address issues here. They need to communicate and rethink attitudes and behavior. My husband was adamant in not wanting a third child, but when he came, my husband loved him no less than the other two. I mention this to assure her I do understand her shock. Tay’s husband appears to need to deal with his resentment and to open his heart to the little one.

 

[Serap]

There needs to be a lot of calming down, here. Suffice it to say that the OP and her husband may have some soul-searching to do–I can’t say, because I don’t know what he means by having a favorite–but it is premature to say that somebody ought to move out or that the children will be in danger of permanent scarring if Mom goes back to work or any of that. Not every bad fight is a sign that a marriage needs a hit of dynamite. Usually it means that the marriage needs everyone to STOP and get back to the basics that they intended to stick with when they got married.

Children are resilient, but one of the most difficult things for them to bear is strife between their parents. They can sense it. Resolve to rejoin with your husband, re-commit to love (in the 1 Cor. 13 sense), and start that conversation over. If one of them thinks you’re playing favorites, work on that, but don’t work on it by using the child as a reason to have a falling-out between the parents. Fall back in, and then work on the favoritism issue.

Great post, but if the husband had hit his wife, would you be giving the same advice?

 

[EasterJoy]

Great post, but if the husband had hit his wife, would you be giving the same advice?

If it were “…she has admitted to me that she has a favorite. When I begged her to take it back through tears, she simply told me it was idealistic to think you could love them all the same. I asked** her** who her favorite was, and she stated “well isn’t it obvious?” I was so angry I smacked her across the face”?

Yeah, I’d say the same thing: She shouldn’t have pushed it like that when you were already crying, but you should never have slapped her across the face. Go back to the kind of unity that you imagined when you got married and try that one again. Get it right this time.

If she has some habit of slapping to the point that it could be fairly called abuse when she’s overwhelmed with emotion, though, yes: Her kids would be better off with him at home with them than with her. Better to be the second-best-but-still-loved to someone who doesn’t haul off and smack you in the mouth for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time than to be the even-Steven-beloved of someone who does. She said “I love them so much it hurts,” but let’s hope that is not what she meant!

 

[Serap]

If it were “…she has admitted to me that she has a favorite. When I begged her to take it back through tears, she simply told me it was idealistic to think you could love them all the same. I asked** her** who her favorite was, and she stated “well isn’t it obvious?” I was so angry I smacked her across the face”?

Yeah, I’d say the same thing: She shouldn’t have pushed it like that when you were already crying, but you should never have slapped her across the face. Go back to the kind of unity that you imagined when you got married and try that one again. Get it right this time.

If she has some habit of slapping to the point that it could be fairly called abuse when she’s overwhelmed with emotion, though, yes: Her kids would be better off with him at home with them than with her. Better to be the second-best-but-still-loved to someone who doesn’t haul off and smack you in the mouth for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time than to be the even-Steven-beloved of someone who does. She said “I love them so much it hurts,” but let’s hope that is not what she meant!

 

[Tay]

Dear friends in Christ,

!!

I don’t really know what to say other than this:

1. I made a mistake, yes. I should not have slapped him, and immediately apologized and will do my penance of course. He forgave me and responded with “I was really mean, I deserved it”
2. I’m shocked by the extremely judgmental remarks in response as if many of you know me personally and have that right, but "let he who is without sin cast the first stone. " Right?
3. We are seeing a very well respected and loved priest for our/my/his issues, and next we see him I will mention the scenario and he will counsel me/us appropriately.
4. I love my babies and believe none of you have any right to judge me or how I am around children based upon one post. Wow…Christians you say? My children were in bed at the time of the scenario and because of what my husband said, I kissed and held each one a little tighter, and prayed so hard for Gods intervention that night.
5. I’m a good mom and a good wife, and nasty comments from people hiding behind their computers will not change that.
6. I do not desire to post in a community where I admit to slapping my husband, and suddenly I should be arrested for assault, shouldn’t be around children, and have no validity. So, with that being said, this is the last of my posts on this forum, ever.
7. To those who were more understanding of my situation, gave me the benefit of the doubt, and went to bat for me…thank you for your true Christian charity. Thank you for being real. Thank you for your advice in previous posts. God is doing good work in you, and you’re in the right place. We never know the fruits of our actions until we die.

7’s a good number

God Bless You

 

[EasterJoy]

Dear friends in Christ,

!!

I don’t really know what to say other than this:

1. I made a mistake, yes. I should not have slapped him, and immediately apologized and will do my penance of course. He forgave me and responded with “I was really mean, I deserved it”
2. I’m shocked by the extremely judgmental remarks in response as if many of you know me personally and have that right, but "let he who is without sin cast the first stone. " Right?
3. We are seeing a very well respected and loved priest for our/my/his issues, and next we see him I will mention the scenario and he will counsel me/us appropriately.
4. I love my babies and believe none of you have any right to judge me or how I am around children based upon one post. Wow…Christians you say? My children were in bed at the time of the scenario and because of what my husband said, I kissed and held each one a little tighter, and prayed so hard for Gods intervention that night.
5. I’m a good mom and a good wife, and nasty comments from people hiding behind their computers will not change that.
6. I do not desire to post in a community where I admit to slapping my husband, and suddenly I should be arrested for assault, shouldn’t be around children, and have no validity. So, with that being said, this is the last of my posts on this forum, ever.
7. To those who were more understanding of my situation, gave me the benefit of the doubt, and went to bat for me…thank you for your true Christian charity. Thank you for being real. Thank you for your advice in previous posts. God is doing good work in you, and you’re in the right place. We never know the fruits of our actions until we die.

7’s a good number

God Bless You

It was good of him to admit his guilt in being mean to you–which was wrong whether or not you found it a temptation to hit him–but I am going to clarify for you: you corrected him when he said he deserved to be hit, yes? That was crazy talk on his part.

Your anger and frustration was of course understandable, your lashing out was not without provocation, but as your willingness to amend and do penance shows, hitting him was not excusable. If you ever relate the story, it will do you good to relate his forgiveness and his regret about provoking you without repeating the part about “deserving” it, lest someone get the wrong idea from your remark. (I am guessing that just hearing him say he deserved to be hit gave you even more of a feeling of regret, didn’t it?)

Madam, be careful. Haven’t you yourself said that you have judged your husband unfit to stay at home with your children because he admitted that he had a greater natural affection for one than for others? Take your experience here to heart when you think about that. There are people here whose childhood physical abuse started with slapping. They know it is not an innocent form of lashing out, but a serious thing. If slapping is your habit, then that is a serious problem, just as it is a serious problem if your husband is in the habit of showing favoritism for the child he happens to like the best.

If, OTOH, you are in no such habit or your husband does not let his obvious ease of connection with one of your children lure him into unjust advantages for the child, that is another thing. I think that is where you are. Realize, though, that when you relate the slapping, you need to be very clear that you do not ever think that you have a right to slap your husband in anger, even if you are provoked. I think that unintended implication on your part is what set people off. “She deserved it” is how abusers talk, slapping is how more serious abuse too often starts, some of the most ashamed abused spouses are men, and those here who have been abused or who were forced to see a parent abused know it only too well.

 

[livingwordunity]

I have two daughters, and neither is my favorite over the other. Like snowflakes, each is unique and beautiful in their own way. Playing favorites with one’s children is one of the worst things anyone can do to a child. It also makes no sense.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have two daughters, and neither is my favorite over the other. Like snowflakes, each is unique and beautiful in their own way. Playing favorites with one’s children is one of the worst things anyone can do to a child.

She did not say he admitted that he played favorites. She said he admitted that he had a favorite. There is a difference. If there was not, she would not need his admission to convict him. She’d see right in front of her that he treated some of their children unjustly or did not work to show each of them appreciation.

After all, God has favorites. “As it is written: 'I loved Jacob but hated Esau.’” Rom. 9:13
Who can give God lessons about the love of one’s children?

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I get the feeling that those who want to focus on Tay’s actions as opposed to the favoritism have never really dealt with the issue personally. I get that all kids assume this sibling or that is the favorite from time to time, but genuine, long-standing favoritism is another issue entirely. Studies have shown that it leads to an increased risk of mental illness, both in the favored and unfavored children. It can lead to depression, low self-esteem, attention and relationship issues. It can also lead to strained or broken relationships between the siblings, between the siblings and parents and between the parents themselves.

From a personal perspective (including not just myself but others I know), I’ve seen it lead to huge problems as someone spends their whole life struggling with self-worth and self-doubt issues. No matter how well the unfavored child performs, or to what degree they outperform the favored child, it’s still not good enough to merit equal recognition, assuming their accomplishments get recognized at all. To say that it’s anything less than a form of abuse isn’t realistic. Just like other forms of abuse it can easily turn into a generational problem. Tay’s actions weren’t right, but her children are very much at risk if her husband continues showing favoritism to one over the other.

 

[skigirl1689]

I’m one of those who consider parental favoritism to be repugnant. Then again, my parents have always pretty blatant with (although not open about) their favoritism, and I didn’t even come in second. The worst part about it is that, if it continues, it will apply to your grandchildren as well. It could lead to a host of problems with your kids and their kids, especially when they get old enough to see the favoritism come into play. As a child, it’s hard to get over the disparity in treatment, whether it’s having to call your friends for a ride to a school function or activity because it conflicts with your brother’s and both parents have decide they have to go see him, or dealing with the unfairness of your siblings always getting 2-3 times the gifts for major events (Confirmation, graduation, milestone birthdays). As a parent, it’s unbelievably disheartening to hear a child ask you why Grandma and Grandpa are missing out on their championship game yet again to to go another of their cousin’s preseason practices, or to have to cancel another date night with your wife (the first in months) at the last minute because your babysitters canceled to go spend the evening with the nieces they spent the day with three times already that week.

I believe you’re absolutely right to be angry with him. I’ll say that I agree that you were wrong to hit him, although my heart’s really not in it. I think it’s horrendous behavior, especially if the kids can tell (and I severely doubt that the kids can’t tell). I can honestly say that my wife and I love each of our kids equally. Although my kids always accuse us of favoring of the babies (it’s hard not to give them more attention because they’re babies and that comes with the territory), we go out of our way to make sure they all receive equal treatment. I make a point of taking each girl out for a special day at least once a month, and we’re extremely careful to make sure we spend the same amount (usually to within $5-10) for each kid for Christmas and other occasions. I wish I could offer advice on solutions. I think you need to get the point across to him, though, and do your best to make sure your other kids don’t feel neglected because of his behavior.

What you said about grandparents happened to me and my sisters. It still is tough to realize it was so obvious we weren’t treated equally, and my grandma criticized a lot concerning us and how my father “spoiled us” by letting us cuddle with him. All this while certain other cousins “could do no wrong.” As an adult I can look back and understand it was out of our control, but the hurt still lingers.

With that said, I think it is human nature to have favorites, but most people do their best to try not to let it show, especially in family situations. I admit, I have felt more favoritism towards one parent or sister than the other and vice versa throughout my life, depending on the situation, stage in life, etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

What you said about grandparents happened to me and my sisters. It still is tough to realize it was so obvious we weren’t treated equally, and my grandma criticized a lot concerning us and how my father “spoiled us” by letting us cuddle with him. All this while certain other cousins “could do no wrong.” As an adult I can look back and understand it was out of our control, but the hurt still lingers.

With that said, I think it is human nature to have favorites, but most people do their best to try not to let it show, especially in family situations. I admit, I have felt more favoritism towards one parent or sister than the other and vice versa throughout my life, depending on the situation, stage in life, etc.

I have a relative who still relates the hurt she felt over the blatant favoritism her grandmother showed her brother (at her expense). The grandmother and brother have been dead for many years, and the relative is over 80.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Regarding the slapping - it must be remembered that unfortunately society frequently represents a female slapping a male’s face as acceptable, if said male has done something offensive. Think of all those old movies, soap operas, etc. Some people become numbed to it. Glad to see that stereotype is fading though.

 

[Xantippe]

Spidersfrommars said:

“Regarding the slapping - it must be remembered that unfortunately society frequently represents a female slapping a male’s face as acceptable, if said male has done something offensive. Think of all those old movies, soap operas, etc. Some people become numbed to it. Glad to see that stereotype is fading though.”

Yes.

1. It’s illegal.
2. It’s immoral.
3. It’s a bad example for children (so much for no hitting).
4. In this particular case, with a mentally ill spouse, it’s particularly bad. Who, in this scenario, is acting crazy?
5. It’s also particularly bad to do to a SAH spouse, who may feel that they have to stay and put up with it.

It’s just bad all around. I wouldn’t have gone as far as some other posters have with regard to the OP being unsafe around children, but it is hard to overestimate exactly how bad it is.

 

[Serap]

Dear friends in Christ,

!!

I don’t really know what to say other than this:

1. I made a mistake, yes. I should not have slapped him, and immediately apologized and will do my penance of course. He forgave me and responded with “I was really mean, I deserved it”
2. I’m shocked by the extremely judgmental remarks in response as if many of you know me personally and have that right, but "let he who is without sin cast the first stone. " Right?
3. We are seeing a very well respected and loved priest for our/my/his issues, and next we see him I will mention the scenario and he will counsel me/us appropriately.
4. I love my babies and believe none of you have any right to judge me or how I am around children based upon one post. Wow…Christians you say? My children were in bed at the time of the scenario and because of what my husband said, I kissed and held each one a little tighter, and prayed so hard for Gods intervention that night.
5. I’m a good mom and a good wife, and nasty comments from people hiding behind their computers will not change that.
6. I do not desire to post in a community where I admit to slapping my husband, and suddenly I should be arrested for assault, shouldn’t be around children, and have no validity. So, with that being said, this is the last of my posts on this forum, ever.
7. To those who were more understanding of my situation, gave me the benefit of the doubt, and went to bat for me…thank you for your true Christian charity. Thank you for being real. Thank you for your advice in previous posts. God is doing good work in you, and you’re in the right place. We never know the fruits of our actions until we die.

7’s a good number

God Bless You

I don’t think anyone was judging you. I personally apologize if I came across that way. I was just very concerned and you know yourself better than anyone else.

In the past, I too have posted some threads about marital/family issues and I too have gotten some very seemingly harsh posts. I think the harsh posts can be a good slap of reality in the face if you look past the judgement and take it at face value.

Apart from a few posts, I think most of us here had good intentions.

 

[Serap]

I get the feeling that those who want to focus on Tay’s actions as opposed to the favoritism have never really dealt with the issue personally. I get that all kids assume this sibling or that is the favorite from time to time, but genuine, long-standing favoritism is another issue entirely. Studies have shown that it leads to an increased risk of mental illness, both in the favored and unfavored children. It can lead to depression, low self-esteem, attention and relationship issues. It can also lead to strained or broken relationships between the siblings, between the siblings and parents and between the parents themselves.

From a personal perspective (including not just myself but others I know), I’ve seen it lead to huge problems as someone spends their whole life struggling with self-worth and self-doubt issues. No matter how well the unfavored child performs, or to what degree they outperform the favored child, it’s still not good enough to merit equal recognition, assuming their accomplishments get recognized at all. To say that it’s anything less than a form of abuse isn’t realistic. Just like other forms of abuse it can easily turn into a generational problem. Tay’s actions weren’t right, but her children are very much at risk if her husband continues showing favoritism to one over the other.

My mom was/is a narcissist and he favourite child was my baby brother. I was the family scapegoat. Heck, even my giggle annoyed her. I could do no right. My good deeds and accomplishments were played down.

I am an adult survivor of being the unfavoured child.

I still appeal that slapping was the bigger issue at hand since OP did not say that her husband plays favourites with his kids…only that he had a favourite; which many parents do whether they want to or not.

We don’t even know if her husband having a favourite is really an issue at all It’s only an issue if the husband plays favourites when caring for his children.

Slapping across the face is the ultimate humiliation and disrespect.