‘She Came On To Me’ by John R Butler. He’s the country-fried Tom Lehrer of our day.
I knew this married couple, they ain’t married any more
He had a little thing going on with the divorcee next door
She found them in a motel room with mirrors above the bed
And when he saw the gun in her hand, here’s what her ex-husband said:
Darlin’, she came on to me
She came on to me!
She’s the one who bears the full responsibility
Tonight I tried to break it off and set my conscience free
But she touched me there, it wasn’t fair
She came on to me
I heard about this preacher, and a widow in his flock
He ministered to her so hard he didn’t hear the knock
The deacon shrieked and dropped the load of teen religious tracts
When he heard the pastor’s voice come from the beast with two backs
Cryin’, she came on to me
She came on to me!
I wanna walk with God and practice strict morality
She said ‘Do it to me in the rectory’
Jezebel has cast her spell
She came on to me
She came on to me, she came on to me
It don’t matter if it sounds a little cowardly
Besides, it is the woman’s fault we do the things we do
If the doin’ gets you caught say she came on to you
I heard about a high-school teacher in my little town
Standing in the boiler room, his trousers on the ground
A sophomore wrapped around him, her pigtails coming loose
When the janitor found them, here was his excuse:
Buddy, she came on to me
She came on to me!
All I wanna do is teach advanced geometry
She asked for help after school, I foolishly agreed
She showed me her diameter
She came on to me
(spoken)
JOHNNY?
Yes, Satan?
THIS SONG IS CREEPING ME OUT.
Well, cover those pointed ears before I get to this next tale of woe!
Downtown at the courthouse, a mortician was arraigned
For relations most unseemly with the recently deceased and drained
They found him lying on her, having done the deed
Then before his honor, here’s how the man did plead:
Your honor, she came on to me
She came on to me!
She was lyin’ there with such provocativity
I put up some resistance, then gave in reluctantly
To her silent insistence
She came on to me
She came on to me, she came on to me
Five little words to help you in an emergency
Besides, it is the woman’s fault we do the things we do
If the doin’ gets you caught say she came on to you