Favoritism with children

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We have close relatives who live in the same town as us. We spend time with them often, and babysit each other’s kids when possible. Generally, I am okay with these relatives, however one of them can be intimidating at times. This relative can be intimidating (many of our friends and other relatives have noted this), and I think DS1 is beginning to pick up on this relative’s intimidating personality as well.

In addition to the intimidating personality this relative tends to have, this relative also has quite a bit of obvious favoritism towards one of their children. I.e. if there is a dispute between Kid 1 and Kid 2 (both children of Intimidating Relative), Intimidating Relative will automatically blame Kid 1 and defend Kid 2, even if Kid 2 is to blame. I along with several other relatives notice that Kid 1 is quiet, meek, and well-behaved while Kid 2…not so much. In fact, Intimidating Relative actually personally makes comments about how Kid 1 is so much better behaved than Kid 2 but in practice disciplines Kid 1 more harshly than Kid 2. Go figure… 🤷

Anyway, a few days ago, we were with these relatives and my DS1 and Intimidating Relative’s Kid 2 (the one Intimidating Relative tends to favor) got into a disagreement where DS1 was innocent and Kid 2 was in the wrong. Intimidating Relative defended Kid 2 and reprimanded DS1. I was livid. Another relative saw it happen and was completely appalled as well. Things got smoothed over, but it very clearly was not handled right by Intimidating Relative.

DH and I were later talking about the incident and he recalled another incident where Intimidating Relative blamed DS1 for something Kid 2 did. Other Relative who witnessed the incident recalled yet another similar incident. DS1 often cries when left in the care of these relatives. When we are visiting them as a family, he often clings to us and acts afraid that we are going to leave him there with them.

Any advice on how to deal with this? It’s not so bad that I feel the need to break ties, but if incidents like this continue to happen, something is going to have to be done about it because it can’t continue to happen.
 
Based on what you’ve said, the babysitting arrangement probably should end.

It can be very hard trying to be just and fair with one’s children. My oldest child is much, much more challenging than his younger brothers. I worry sometimes that I expect too much from my middle son in particular, who is generally much better behaved, while letting things slide from my oldest simply because I’m not up for the fight that day. But it’s something I pay attention to and I am trying to avoid being lazy about, while still giving them each what they need. But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here. 😦
 
Pretty simple, don’t leave your kid in the care of caregivers who are going to treat him unfairly. And if you still want to visit these people at their house, see if you can get a sitter for your child to stay with him at your home or the outside sitter’s home, so he does not have to go along on the visits and be bullied by the relative’s kid and the relative.
 
If it was my relative, I would just say, “Hey, why are you blaming my kid for what your kid did? Knock it off unless you want to meet Mama Bear.” That would probably be the end of it for my family. But my family isn’t your family. If you are afraid to confront the relative, or you don’t think it would do any good, then just don’t leave your son around them anymore.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
Why would you leave your son in the care of this person?
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Well, for one thing, I only just recently came to the realization that this person was treating him this way. I knew of the favoritism between their own children but not of the way my son was being treated. It was literally a few days ago that I realized this.

What I’m asking is, what is a tactfuI way to approach this relative if I witness this happening again?
 
Also, we have a regular babysitter. These relatives only babysit as a last resort, or in emergency situations. They also have regular sitters, and we are the last resort as far as babysitting their kids. Most of the time either DH or I or both of us are with our son while visiting them.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Pretty simple, don’t leave your kid in the care of caregivers who are going to treat him unfairly. And if you still want to visit these people at their house, see if you can get a sitter for your child to stay with him at your home or the outside sitter’s home, so he does not have to go along on the visits and be bullied by the relative’s kid and the relative.
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There’s no bullying going on by the kids. They got into a very minor disagreement as kids do from time to time. It’s the parent that shows favoritism and doesn’t handle things right. My son likes being with the kids and the other parent. It’s the parent that treats him unfairly that scares him. Maybe I’m not doing my due diligence by allowing him to continue to visit, but I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. I’m looking for ways to deal with this relative while maintaining an otherwise good relationship.
 
kptrs said:
There’s no bullying going on by the kids. They got into a very minor disagreement as kids do from time to time. It’s the parent that shows favoritism and doesn’t handle things right. My son likes being with the kids and the other parent. It’s the parent tkid never gets hat treats him unfairly that scares him. Maybe I’m not doing my due diligence by allowing him to continue to visit, but I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water. I’m looking for ways to deal with this relative while maintaining an otherwise good relationship.
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there might be no bullying now, but depending on how old the kids are, this could become much more problematic in the future.

if that kid never is disciplined for something that he clearly does wrong by his parents and the blame is always put on to someone else, how long do you think it will take for him to start expecting this kind of treatment from everyone? this is just breeding entitlement.

if this is happening quite frequently, I would really try to avoid visiting with them. if you feel up to it, it think a talk with the intimading relative might be necessary, it’s really quite inappropriate for them to be reprimanding someone else’s child if they didn’t do anything wrong.

if you absolutely have to deal with these relatives, then you may also want to have a discussion with your son, depending on how old he is about this type of situation. I think it would be beneficial for you to try to help him understand that it’s not really something personal about him. it might help to relieve some of his fear and anxiety
 
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