S
scarbar
Guest
After being gone for years,spending some time in the lutheran church, I returned to the Catholic Church six months ago.Although raised a catholic,I was a kid then and of course oblivious to the heights and depths of the faith,though I enjoyed a fairly strong child like faith taht certainly did not come from my parents.through the years I have had periods where I have delved deeper into my faith in Jesus;pray more go to church,read scripture,etc. and it becomes painful.I would look around me at my enviorment, neighbors ,family,and be filled with first frustration then anger then just sorrow.In the past as soon as the tips of mt toes so to speak touched the pool of sorrow, I would retract from it return to anger then frustration and finally complacency which always landed me squarely back into the muck and mire of my old wicked sinful ways.During a time that I completly abandoned God a few years ago I entered into a very serios state of grave sin.I remember time amd time again I ignored the almost audible warnings from my Lord to turn away from my sins.Still, God would not abandon me and I repented,yet something was missing.I spent many months in utter mental anguish.I was so depressed,so ridden with anxiety and fear that I went to a psychiatrist.They wanted to put me on a series ok psychotropic drugs.A still voice inside of me told me to turn away ,this was aspiritual problem as I think I always knew.I had sinned so badly.that unless I entererd into God’s grace and gave myself up to him ,the Devil would surely take me for his own.For I stood accused my Satan and his very presence was a tangible thing to me, ever about me,especially when I was alone.At first I thought my house was haunted or I was just crazy, hence the trip to the shrink.So I enterd a period of prayer and reflection and spiritual reading and I knew I must return to the church of my youth.Only there could I follow the path to holiness and be healed of this torment.So I went to confession and continue to go regularly,did not miss Mass,pray regularly.Iwas recieving the Eucharist often until I was informed that my marriage needs to be convalidated.This should all be a good thing,but I feel like I have traded the old torment for a new one.I feel like a foreighner in my own home,though my husband and I are getting along better than ever.I feel like a foreigner eveywhere with everyone I come into contact with,like I have been cut off from the whole world.Maybe I am crazy afterall.Why can’t I just fulfill my basic duties as Catholic like everyone else and be content.Why this need to be devout.I can’t even do normal things anymore like watch tv.I forget that it is time to eat(I used to eat too much).I have trouble sleeping.I lay down and say,I’ll just lay here and think about Jesus or pray for the things I forgot ot pray for today while I fall asleep.I’ll get up and realize I have spent way too much time thinking,that I should be asleep,I have 3 kids to get up with in the morning.I’ll try to think about something else but that offers no comfort.I kmow I can’t stay stagnant in my faith or surely I will fall back into the cluches of him who waits for me ,for he is always lurking about,wating for me to fall away.I made a real good sinner you see.So what now?I have to find a comfort level,after all. I am married to a man who is not even remotly religious and I must remember my station in life as wife and mother.Has anyone else ever felt this way?Is this normal?Help!
