Fear of being a reprobate

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I may have posted this in an incorrect spot, if so I apologize. I didn’t know where else to go and I just needed to get this off my chest. I “accepted” Christ at the prime age of6-8 years old. I don’t think I was old enough to truly understand what I was doing but they made it easy enough. I just repeated a prayer and got dunked in water and I was good, forgiven for everything I would ever do. So I put God on the back burner and continued on with my life. I did the whole church thing, was in choir, participated in the youth group, etc… did everything a good old southern boy was expected to do. The issue is I had no desire to, I cussed, lusted, sinned and didn’t even care because “I was good, I said the little prayer”…well years went on and I got worse and worse eventually getting into paganism…Asatru heathenism to be exact. So I did the whole pagan thing for a while, I didn’t really get anything out of it so I just moved on with my life and continued to not care about anything. So eventually summer turned to winter and Visa versa and my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer. After 5years he finally succumbed and it rocked my world, my apathy turned to anger towards any “god” so I continued to live my life as I wanted, I continued to be unfulfilled when Ifelt a strange realization that if I died, I would go to Hell…so I went back to the beginning and began to study the word of God. I was on fire for the Lord, I repented of my past andbegan to live the life I professed that went on for a year or two when suddenly i noticed my faith was gone, vanished as quickly as it came. I began to realize that i didn’t believe the bible anymore, i didn’t believe in an afterlife, I evenbegan to question if God ever existed. Which led me on the path to study the sciences and figure out the truth. I studied philosophy, such as Pascals Wager, the Kalaam comoslogicalargument, Thomas Aquinas’s 5 ways, etc… but could not retrigger my faith. Which leads us to the present, my life feels dark and meaningless, I have a hard time gettingmotivated to do anything, I want so bad to believe in God, the bible, and everything but in physically cant. Prayer seems like a wasted one way conversation and I begin to feel as if I’ve been cut off from the light. The bible warns ofreprobation and such and I feel as if that’s where I am. Thanks for giving me a space to get this off my chest 🙂
 
Beginning to Pray

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Rejoice in the Lord

Posted: 31 Mar 2019 09:47 AM PDT


Rejoicing in the Lord is a source of strength. As we strive to discipline ourselves and convert from sin, it is easy to be distracted by our failures and weaknesses. Shame is a heartless task master and our inadequacies are often easier to find than Divine Providence. Yet, God is always there for us - more present to us than we are to ourselves, anxious that we might not delay, but God home. What most defines who we are is not our voids, or foolishness, or inability to meet the ideals that we set for ourselves. The holiness of God is not a mystery that lends itself to our efforts at idealization. It is pure gift, freely given, from a Divine Wellspring of inexhaustible love and concern - ours for the asking, if only we will ask with humility and love. Rather than caving into anxiety or depression because we do not measure up to the bar we have set to ourselves - climb out of the mud of self-pity. Turn away from the pigsty of self-accusation. Rebuke the inner voices that would have you believe that God is not waiting for you to come home. Instead, search for God whose gentle voice calls to you in the silence of prayer. He watches for your coming and awaits you with an immense joy. Set out under the Standard of the Cross and let the Good Shepherd’s rod and staff guide you home. Enter through the Gate of faith in Christ and find shelter under the banner of love. Let the Father welcome you with rings and robes and lead you into the feast He has prepared for you. Nothing has been held back. Everyone is invited. Rejoice that your brother has made his way back to life too - for in the Father’s house, there is no more reason for sorrow.
 
If you try to make faith a constant emotional high, you’ll fall away. Sometimes it’s not that. There’s great virtue in plodding.

Start small, build habits. Go to church every Sunday. When you wake up, cross yourself and say a brief prayer. Don’t try to go from zero to a hundred in a week.
 
When we first start out on a path, we gets lots of encouragement and applause. Watch how people react when a baby begins to walk.

Then we reach a certain level, and people no longer applaud our being able to put a few steps together.

Later in life, we have to schedule periods of walking and it feels like a problem!

The spiritual life can be similar. The honeymoon period ends and it’s time to get to the hard work of maintaining a relationship, as any married person will tell you 😉

ETA: but don’t be discouraged. The sweetness that comes from a good long-standing relationship is better than any high we experience at the beginning.
 
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Prayer is always a response to God. The fact that you are praying and that you do fear being separated from God are two good signs that grace has not abandoned you. Keep your eyes on the goal, even when the way is rough. You might find some courage in the Divine Mercy chaplet, Adoration, or the Stations of the Cross. Mary is a sure guide too. She is the Star of the Sea and the Refuge of Sinners. When I was beginning to return to Catholicism from paganism, I prayed to Her a lot and just asked Her to lead me to Her Son.
 
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. ❤️ I’m sorry about that, friend.

And you don’t sound like a ‘reprobate’ at all!

You sound human.

Everybody makes mistakes, sins, etc. It doesn’t make ya a bad person! The important thing is that it sounds like you’ve been fighting, struggling, striving to do better. That’s something to be proud of!

A wise person once told me, “Sometimes the ones who are hardest on us is ourselves .”
So, be gentle with yourself. 🙂

I do wanna ask- do you struggle with depression at all, sir? Depression can sap joy out of stuff we used to love, make us feel like everything is pointless, etc.
If so, it might help to see a therapist, or counselor!
 
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Phill said:
I studied philosophy, such as Pascals Wager, the Kalaam comoslogicalargument, Thomas Aquinas’s 5 ways, etc… but could not retrigger my faith.
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I have a question, I am very familiar with Pascal’s Wager and Aquinas’s 5 ways (not so mach with the Kalaam…), but what is the “etc”. Pascal’s wager and Aquinas’s arguments are nothing more than starting points on the path to faith. Aquinas’s 5 ways start one out with the knowledge that God exists, but they are not absolute proofs, they are enough to convince one they are true intellectually speaking, but not enough to make an act of faith. I would suggest reading a good thorough, and complete Christian apologetic book. They will start out with God’s existence, but then will walk you through an argument for Christianity step-by-step. For a good Catholic book, try Ronal Knox’s “The Belief of Catholics”. For a general Christianity book, try C.S.Lewis’s “Mere Christianity”. Both are excellent.
 
The only thing that can separate you from God is deliberate sin. If you fear God, you will strive to avoid sin, and if you do sin, you will not hesitate to confess it. Therefore, let your fear and trembling encourage you, provoking a thorough detestation of sin and a hunger for righteousness.
 
Start simply by practicing gratitude towards God.

Don’t worry about prayers and such, just wake up and say ‘thanks’ for the new day and see where that leads you
 
Hey everyone,
Thanks for all the responses! I just wanted to let everyone know I haven’t disappeared. Works been crazy and I need time to read through everything. Once again thank you!
 
Yeah, I do tend to pile a lot on myself. I never really looked at God as an emotional high though. However I will start small and go from there thank you!
 
Yeah and I think what may of happened was I thought of God as a must do not as a relationship. I started off on bad footing I guess
 
Thank you and I have been…just doesn’t feel like my prayers are working though
 
Thank you! I try not to be too hard on myself, but its kinda how I was raised. I agree I need to focus on what I’m doing right but in my life I’ve done so much wrong its hard to see the bright side. I have thought maybe i have issues similar to that, but right now I just don’t have the time to talk to anyone in a counseling sense. Thanks once again for the encouragement!
 
I’ll definitely check those out! I’m beginning learned in Christian Existentialism. Im studying the works of Kierkegaard and Augustine right now.
 
FWIW, it might help to consider the dereliction of Christ…

The dereliction of Christ is to look at Jesus crucified as a sort of derelict, but Jesus was not the derelict. The dereliction was caused by what people did to him.

What we see in Christ crucified is a perfectly innocent - healing and heroic, sacred and essentially perfect treasure of vital graces… a soul beyond esteem, all loves excelling and worthy of all thanks and praise… yet the beauty of his countenance marred…

And, then, we also see a second beauty in that suffering soul broken and hanging on the tree… The crucifixion of that same innocent, life-giving and healing man, who also willingly gave himself over to that same suffering to redeem us from our sins… and in so doing he reclaimed our souls- parts of his own original creation - to save for the very glory of God…

Either way, you could go back to your ways, but I dont think you really want to… In fact, sometimes we do go back, when we dont want to go back… St Paul says, “I dont do what I want but what I hate…” But St Paul also says, “Thanks be to God that we have a savior in Jesus Christ” - or He basically understands it all through and through…

How you use everything I just wrote out for you is up to you… Maybe just focus on the present moment? Take it easy on yourself? Try to find something inspirational to make just a simple, small amends?

Sometimes baby steps are all you need to get yourself started in going in the right directions.

You already know what it is, so just do what you have to do in God’s time… 🙂

Amen? 🙂
 
That’s just the kind of stuff I think about when I feel reprobate.
 
I definitely don’t want to go back to my old ways, that’s for sure. Its hard though, I just don’t know where to begin. I feel kinda like sn abandon house, broken down, empty and hollow. Its hard to know where to start to make me livable again
 
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