Fear of judgment of Marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter phil8888
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

phil8888

Guest
Hi there. I’m 27, and my gf is 25. we’ve been dating 4.5 years. she’s Indian, and I’m a white Canadian. I’m from Newfoundland and a lot of people are pretty traditional and there’s like 98% white people here. They like what they are familiar with. Anyway, I feel like we should get married, but I’m a little afraid of marriage. I’m also afraid of what others might say about us. It’s a bit hard to explain. She has an Indian name, so obviously most people have never heard that name around here. and then people ask me about her and I say her name, I don’t know what they’ll think. Another problem is that I’m addicted to porn and she doesn’t know about it. I want to have a good sexual relationship with her once we’re married. I’m coming to you guys for advice. Thanks in advance.
 
If you have been dating for 4.5 years, don’t all your friends already know her, know she’s Indian, etc? Does she live elsewhere? I’m not following your story here.

In my opinion, you aren’t ready to marry a woman you are ashamed of because of her ethnicity. You are much to worried about what “other people” will think. So, you need to work on YOU.

Also, if you are addicted to pornography, only YOU can stop. There are numerous Catholic resources to help men stop this addiction. Go to www.dads.org, and/or www.pureintimacy.org

You can also click on the “Shop” icon on this website, and then click on “chastity.” There is a booklet called Pure of Heart on porn addiction and also another item you can order called 12 Ways to Overcome Pornography.
 
How wonderful that you want to clear up that problem with porn before your married! Like any addiction its going to be hard but you can beat it. One of the first things you’ll want to do is to get rid of all the porn you have so its not just sitting there. The second thing you’ll want to do is to start praying the rosary every day…it doesn’t take long and there are few things that take care of any sin faster than the rosary. The third thing you’ll want to do is go to confession regularly I’m sure it will help to have someone to be accountable too and whatever you do don’t be embarassed about it the priest has heard everything and its a common problem today. Try to go to Mass as often as you can the Eucharist is medicine for our souls and that will really take care of any issues you have with any sin you care to think of.

As too the other difficulty that you talked about.I would imagine it would be hard. Whenever you do something that few people have done there is going to be resistance from some people. We all care about what other people think and its hard sometimes isn’t it? Perhaps when you talk to the priest about this other thing you could talk to him about that he may have some good thoughts on the matter.

God love you!

jbc003
 
Good day to you! First of all allow me to congratulate in taking the first step in cleaning YOU! You know you have a bit of a problem with porn and you are more than willing to take care of yourself before anything else and that’s a huge step! Second step to that is please seek your priest, seek advise and get yourself some help regarding that…as soon as possible!

And another thing, you need to just remember GOD loves you!

One thing I don’t understand is, 4.5 years and now you seem to feel ashamed??? I don’t understand that one dear…???
 
Thanks guys for your encouraging words. I’m not ashamed of my girlfriend at all. she’s really wonderful. I guess I just have problems exposing myself to others. not just about her, but about a lot of things in my life. I tend to be kind of secretive to avoid ridicule and so on. I guess one thing with a wedding is that it’s so out in the open and you’re front and center.
 
I liked jbc003’s comments. In my own life, saying a hail mary when tempted helped my with my problem of that sort. I can say that giving up that stuff was the first step to understanding how lost I was with my physical life. And first step to realizing how to truelly love my (at that time) soon to be wife. I am sooo glad I was free of that up before I got married. I might recommend looking up some Christopher West… he is great at explaining the Theology of the Body. Good for encouragement/understanding if you haven’t heard of him.

As far as the ethnicity of your wife. FACE YOUR FEAR! The only way things are going to get better is by facing people and learning to not fear them. I don’t really know the whole situation… but I would take some time to discern whether God wants you to be with her. if you truely believe God wants you to be with her, then this fear could be either a challenge for you to work on a weakness of yours or it could be that something evil placing the fear in the way to hold you back from God’s plan for you. Either way, go get em!

Pax,
Cymonk
 
If you truly love her, it will not matter what other people think. I know it is hard to take ridicule, but that may be your cross to bear. I live in the United States. If we all worried about others thought and were afraid to show their errors, then we would still have slaves here. There were great men who were willing to stand up for what they believed was right and fight for it. Don’t let what others think rule your life. You will be co-dependent living for them instead of God. Pray the rosary. Ask God to give you the strength to stand up and make a difference.

Pray, pray, and pray more for God to give you the strength to kick your porn habit. It is tough. I know. But if you become addicted to porn, she will never be able to meet your expectations of what sex and love should be.
 
Hello…Are you really addicted to porn or do you just look at every now and then…addicted is when you look at it all the time and you can’t get through life without it, b/c if this is this the case, you need counseling…although, you should not be looking at porn at all b/c it is gross…IMO…Anyway, before you decide on getting married, you need to clear up this issue and as long as her family and your family don’t care about your different ethnicities, it probably won’t be a problem…are you both Catholic?..interfaith marriages could pose a problem but lots of successful happy marriages are interfaith…talk to a counselor…Good Luck!
 
1ke said:
In my opinion, you aren’t ready to marry a woman you are ashamed of because of her ethnicity. You are much to worried about what “other people” will think. So, you need to work on YOU.
Click to expand...
Agree.
 
phil8888 said:
Hi there. I’m 27, and my gf is 25. we’ve been dating 4.5 years. she’s Indian, and I’m a white Canadian. I’m from Newfoundland and a lot of people are pretty traditional and there’s like 98% white people here. They like what they are familiar with. Anyway, I feel like we should get married, but I’m a little afraid of marriage. I’m also afraid of what others might say about us. It’s a bit hard to explain. She has an Indian name, so obviously most people have never heard that name around here. and then people ask me about her and I say her name, I don’t know what they’ll think. Another problem is that I’m addicted to porn and she doesn’t know about it. I want to have a good sexual relationship with her once we’re married. I’m coming to you guys for advice. Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...
What exactly are you afraid of? That you will lose friends? That you will be verbally harassed? That you will be physically harassed? If the community you live in is that racist, you might consider moving because your children will be of a mixed race and they might have a hard time growing up in that environment.

On the other hand, if you’re just afraid people will whisper behind your back without threatening your safety in any way, then you have to ask yourself more why it matters. Why is it scary to you to have some racist people whisper mean things behind your back? If those people are around, sure they will do it. But what matters is that you and your girlfriend love each other. You will be able to choose to surround yourself with open minded people who will not judge based on skin color/nationality.

As for porn, how addicted are you? Are you spending hours every single day on porn?
 
I would talk to your priest and see about getting some counseling. It sounds like you have you issues you need to work out. Since marriage is a vocation and love is sacrificial,these are areas that you really do need to work on. I commend you for identifying these problem areas in your life.
 
phil8888 said:
Thanks guys for your encouraging words. I’m not ashamed of my girlfriend at all. she’s really wonderful. I guess I just have problems exposing myself to others. not just about her, but about a lot of things in my life. I tend to be kind of secretive to avoid ridicule and so on. I guess one thing with a wedding is that it’s so out in the open and you’re front and center.
Click to expand...
I can relate to your feelings about avoiding ridicule and all. I have been dealing with social anxiety for the majority of my life. Now granted I am only 19 but still, being in social situations can be pretty scary sometimes. But you know what is helping me get through it all? Praying, counseling, and patience 😃

Praying the Rosary is absolutely powerful. There is also the Chaplet of Divine Mercy and I find that the Litany of Humility is very helpful for me

I have been seeing a counselor through Catholic Charities for the past month and let me tell ya, it has been a God send so far! I am going to ask you what my counselor
(in a general sense) asked me…

Are your thoughts, regarding what the people in your town will think about your girlfriend, truly rational? Do you know for a fact that they will harshly judge her (& you) or are these just thoughts that you are creating yourself?

I think it could help to really analyze the why’s behind your thinking patterns because you might find that a lot of things you conjure up in your mind are just your fears! At least that’s what I notice in myself.

Anyway, in regards to the porn, imho I think it would be best to seek the advice of a priest. 🙂

Oh by the way, I think the people in your town would have to be foolish not to accept your girlfriend. Indian women are absolutely gorgeous and God loves 'em just like any other “kind” of woman.
Good luck & God bless!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top