Fear of Marriage

[Magickman]

Now past 50, and still single, I confess to a longstanding fear of marriage. The genesis of this phobia, (gamophobia, it is called) is fear of having an unsuccessful marriage, or worry that I would be an inadequate spouse. I never could see myself taking the leap of faith, to enter matrimony.

In real life, as opposed to on the computer screen, I have seen too many friends, acquaintances, and relatives, who had marraiges that failed, with disasterous consequences.

The wreckage of so many marriages, which I have personally observed, left me without the courage to try it myself. Marriage seems fraught with hazards, and excessively dangerous.

Among people I know, are those who tell me never to marry, and also those who highly recommend marriage. Curiously, it is divorced people who often have the strongest positive things to say about getting married. One divorced woman told me that everyone should have the experience of marriage, that this is a fundamental part of human life. She is twice divorced.

That divorced lady even wanted to marry me, but I demurred. Other women have spoken to me of marriage. It scares the heck out of me, though.

Living the balance of my life alone, is not my primary life objective. Married life is fearsome to me, however, and I need to confront my fears, to act positively and pro-actively, guided by objective truth, rather than my anxieties.

**I would like to hear from people who are now, or were previously, married, about how they faced the satisfactions and challenges of married life.

How did you surmount the difficulties of marriage?**

 

[LSK]

By making Christ the center of its existence.

 

[Salonika]

Hi MagicMan

Even though I do not fit the profile of those you wanted to hear from I’m making a few comments - and do remember that often what we say says more about us than the situation we are commenting on.

I am about a decade older than you and have never married - never been close to getting married. Need and like my independence too much and have always felt that marriage would stretch me too much.

Living the balance of my life alone, is not my primary life objective. Married life is fearsome to me, however, and I need to confront my fears, to act positively and pro-actively, guided by objective truth, rather than my anxieties.

Think this is a great approach. If we don’t know and confront our anxieties we make decisions out of fear and while we may make the correct ones it may be for the wrong reason. Also sometimes we think our anxieties are ours alone - but they may be common and there are ways to overcome them/lessen them if we wish to.

Best wishes as you set out on your journey however it ends (marriage or a continuation of the single life.)

 

[BamaRider]

Now past 50, and still single, I confess to a longstanding fear of marriage. The genesis of this phobia, (gamophobia, it is called) is fear of having an unsuccessful marriage, or worry that I would be an inadequate spouse. I never could see myself taking the leap of faith, to enter matrimony.

In real life, as opposed to on the computer screen, I have seen too many friends, acquaintances, and relatives, who had marraiges that failed, with disasterous consequences.

The wreckage of so many marriages, which I have personally observed, left me without the courage to try it myself. Marriage seems fraught with hazards, and excessively dangerous.

Among people I know, are those who tell me never to marry, and also those who highly recommend marriage. Curiously, it is divorced people who often have the strongest positive things to say about getting married. One divorced woman told me that everyone should have the experience of marriage, that this is a fundamental part of human life. She is twice divorced.

That divorced lady even wanted to marry me, but I demurred. Other women have spoken to me of marriage. It scares the heck out of me, though.

Living the balance of my life alone, is not my primary life objective. Married life is fearsome to me, however, and I need to confront my fears, to act positively and pro-actively, guided by objective truth, rather than my anxieties.

**I would like to hear from people who are now, or were previously, married, about how they faced the satisfactions and challenges of married life.

How did you surmount the difficulties of marriage?**

Having total control of the clicker=happy marriage.

 

[GailMac]

So, for 50 years you’ve been capable of living singly. Thank God for His blessings in your life. Why would you be tempted to change His path in your life? Pray the St. Michael’s prayer.

Peace,

Gail

 

[jmcrae]

Here is the truth about being married: it’s not all that different from being single, with the following exceptions:

1. Instead of just grabbing your jacket and going out for the evening, you have to wait for the other person to get ready. They have all sorts of bizarre little rituals that they do, before they can leave the house, so you have to plan ahead for this, and give them the time they need.
2. Instead of sleeping in the bed by yourself, you are sleeping with another person. This is mostly a pleasant experience, although sometimes you will be wakened in the night by the sound of loud snoring, or by the other person’s arm coming across your body and maybe hitting you in the face by accident. If you value your life at all, you don’t wake the other person up to tell them what they did to you - instead, you just do your best to roll over and go back to sleep.
3. When you come back from being out for a while, and having left your spouse alone in the house, there will be a whole pile of dishes in the sink that weren’t there when you left, the dining room table will have become mysteriously covered in newspapers, arts and crafts projects, and books, and you won’t be able to find the vacuum cleaner. (Mysteriously, it will turn up outside somewhere. Nobody will know how it got there.) The TV set will be blaring away to an empty room, and the light will be on in the bathroom. Your spouse will be nowhere in the house. There may or may not be a note on the door, explaining where they went.

 

[BlestOne]

Here is the truth about being married: it’s not all that different from being single, with the following exceptions:

1. Instead of just grabbing your jacket and going out for the evening, you have to wait for the other person to get ready. They have all sorts of bizarre little rituals that they do, before they can leave the house, so you have to plan ahead for this, and give them the time they need.
2. Instead of sleeping in the bed by yourself, you are sleeping with another person. This is mostly a pleasant experience, although sometimes you will be wakened in the night by the sound of loud snoring, or by the other person’s arm coming across your body and maybe hitting you in the face by accident. If you value your life at all, you don’t wake the other person up to tell them what they did to you - instead, you just do your best to roll over and go back to sleep.
3. When you come back from being out for a while, and having left your spouse alone in the house, there will be a whole pile of dishes in the sink that weren’t there when you left, the dining room table will have become mysteriously covered in newspapers, arts and crafts projects, and books, and you won’t be able to find the vacuum cleaner. (Mysteriously, it will turn up outside somewhere. Nobody will know how it got there.) The TV set will be blaring away to an empty room, and the light will be on in the bathroom. Your spouse will be nowhere in the house. There may or may not be a note on the door, explaining where they went.

Your list is hilarious!!!

OK… I break it down to little and big things…

1. it is absolutely imperative to learn how the wife hangs the tp and as soon as you use up a roll… replace it! little thing
2. under no circumstances answer the “Am I fat?” series of questions with a positive little thing
3. find a spouse that either likes the same food as you or is willing to try it… little thing
4. You have to break any bad hygiene habit to have a successful love life . little thing
5. Don’t ever leave the toilet seat up!!! Especially in the middle of the night… HUGE THING!

 

[Norseman82]

So, for 50 years you’ve been capable of living singly. Thank God for His blessings in your life. Why would you be tempted to change His path in your life? Pray the St. Michael’s prayer.

Peace,

Gail

And just how do you know what God’s path is for another person’s life?

 

[strngrnrth]

Well, I don’t want to get married or live a hermit’s life either. I hope I’ll have close friends and nieces and nephews or someone around as long as I live.
If I woke up married I’d make a run for the highway and tear the hem off the bridal gown on the way to avoid that clumsy runaway bride gait.

 

[Teakafrog]

By making Christ the center of its existence.

This is it. THE answer. The ONLY answer. Our marriage has been through it all–in fact, I divorced him! By hitting that bottom, we both looked up…and found God. We rebuilt it, with the foundation being God. There is no way we could have gone on like we were, we had to change things, and we couldn’t do that by ourselves. Focusing on God is the only way to truly make the sacrament of marriage succeed. If you do that, it can’t fail.

 

[timotheos]

I would like to hear from people who are now, or were previously, married, about how they faced the satisfactions and challenges of married life.

How did you surmount the difficulties of marriage?

By making Christ the center of its existence.

I agree with the above as rule #1, 2 and 3.

The difficulties of marriage are ongoing, not just something to hurdle. Marriage is not a vocation of thinking, it is a vocation of doing. It is a working identity, not a “state of being” identity. If you are a “do-er”, your chance of success is higher. “Love” is an action verb, you know. At least in the Catholic sense.

Tim

 

[Bataar]

This is it. THE answer. The ONLY answer. Our marriage has been through it all–in fact, I divorced him! By hitting that bottom, we both looked up…and found God. We rebuilt it, with the foundation being God. There is no way we could have gone on like we were, we had to change things, and we couldn’t do that by ourselves. Focusing on God is the only way to truly make the sacrament of marriage succeed. If you do that, it can’t fail.

This is the catch. Both people have to do it. Not just you. And since you can’t control the other person, there’s no guarantee they will continue to put God first and since God gave us each free will, he won’t stop them if they decide to change their life. Hence, it’s not worth the risk, IMO.

 

[Teakafrog]

This is the catch. Both people have to do it. Not just you. And since you can’t control the other person, there’s no guarantee they will continue to put God first and since God gave us each free will, he won’t stop them if they decide to change their life. Hence, it’s not worth the risk, IMO.

True, it has to be both of you. In fact, marriage is NOT a 50-50 deal. In reality, it is a 100-100 deal. You both have to give everything you have to each other to make it work. That part is very true.
That is also where trust in God comes in. If you carefully discern that this is where God is leading you, and you have made a wise decision by knowing that your spouse also puts God first in their life, then you just have to trust God to keep it together. I trust Him with everything else in my life, I certainly can and do trust Him with my marriage now.

 

[Salonika]

"jmcrae:

Here is the truth about being married: it’s not all that different from being single, with the following exceptions:

1. Instead of just grabbing your jacket and going out for the evening, you have to wait for the other person to get ready…
2. Instead of sleeping in the bed by yourself, you are sleeping with another person. This is mostly a pleasant experience, although sometimes you will be wakened in the night by the sound of loud snoring, or by the other person’s arm coming across your body and maybe hitting you in the face by accident…
3. When you come back from being out for a while, and having left your spouse alone in the house, there will be a whole pile of dishes in the sink that weren’t there when you left, the dining room table will have become mysteriously covered in newspapers, arts and crafts projects, and books, and you won’t be able to find the vacuum cleaner…

Your list is hilarious!!!

OK… I break it down to little and big things…

1. it is absolutely imperative to learn how the wife hangs the tp and as soon as you use up a roll… replace it!
   2 under no circumstances answer the “Am I fat?” series of questions with a positive
2. find a spouse that either likes the same food as you or is willing to try it
3. You have to break any bad hygiene habit to have a successful love life.

The list may be hilarious but they are examples of, not the basic changes/challenges that marriage involves. For example:

1. having someone else in the house all the time
2. no longer making your own decisions but making them with someone else
3. deciding how you will share your physical resouces - eg will you both keep your own bank accounts and have a shared account or have shared account only
4. how will you use the “spare” time you have available - together separately, how much of each
5. dealing with differences of opinions/beliefs eg in religion politics and how they will be handled
6. having to balance 2 becoming 1 without one or both parties losing their identity

Okay, some people seem to make the transition to marrige with ease, some people take years to do so (my parents who married in their mid-30’s took 20 years), others never do so.

For some of us living with anyone is a challenge eg flatting, having someone to stay for more than a few days, or staying with someone for a few days.

 

[jmcrae]

This is the catch. Both people have to do it. Not just you. And since you can’t control the other person, there’s no guarantee they will continue to put God first and since God gave us each free will, he won’t stop them if they decide to change their life. Hence, it’s not worth the risk, IMO.

It would be a very bad idea to try to control someone else, in any case.

Loving someone - one part of loving someone - means trusting them to be themselves. Loving them as a wife or husband means loving them as part of yourself - yes, they have flaws, but you live with the person even with their flaws because they are part of you, much as you live with your feet, even when they hurt, simply because they are part of you.

That’s why in a Catholic marriage, divorce has to be unthinkable - and because divorce has to be unthinkable, you have to be smart about who you marry, and know the person that you are marrying (which means, knowing their family and friends, and accepting the roles that they play in your spouse’s life). It can’t just be a hormonal thing, and even friendship isn’t enough, although both of these aspects obviously also have to be there, for it to work.