Fear of marriage

[LongingSoul]

OMG, I feel the same way . Since I’ve started reading here, I’ve become more and more afraid of the future. I definetely don’t want a marriage like my paren’ts (too much drama, don’t want to spill everything here) and I’m now so confused about my boyfriend who I love very much but I start wondering if he’d make a good husband, wich in itself is not a bad thing, but I’ve become more scared about marriage too .

Can you suggest how not to let these things affect us so much?

Make a point not to read threads about marriage troubles. Google good news marriage stories or (my favourites) the stories of couples celebrating 50, 60,70 years of marriage. They are wonderful. When the internet first came along, I’d be googling for all my little ailments ‘sore ankle’ or ‘persistent cough’ and be quite convinced by my searches that I suffering terminal cancer or ebola or had some exotic worm eating me from the inside out. You should only be looking up these ailments* if you already have been officially diagnosed with cancer, ebola or a man eating amoeba*. Don’t go reading them in an effort to stay healthy. Same with marriage. Don’t go reading marriage problem threads if you’re the type (like me) with an over active imagination!

 

[marymary1975]

You need to remember that people aren’t very likely to make forum post just to tell everybody how awesome their marriage is. Also remember that marriage is a sacrament and that when time comes for your to get married that God will give you the grace to deal with the hardships that come along with it. You shouldn’t let fear from keeping you from following God’s plan for you.

True! I know many people who are happily married and have been for many years. Instead of focusing on the people that are doing things wrong – the ones getting divorced-- you may want to focus on the one who did things the right way i. e. Happily married.

I think that one of the big issues is that people don’t take the dating period as an actual discernment period to discern marriage. Unfortunately many people let hormonal attraction to block their discernment and they believe that just because they feel “in love” that is going to magically create a happy marriage. When I took the precana class, both my fiancee and I were surprised of how many people haven’t had discussed basic issues as children, religion, values, goals, etc. The precana books are great and I think that the issues discussed bin those books must be discussed way before engagement. Unfortunately many don’t talk about them until a month before marriage. That is not good. You probably want to approach dating more as discerning process: you need to know the real personality of the other person, if that person is compatible with you and if you two have the ability to work together

 

[marymary1975]

In addition, I strongly discourage marrying a person of another faith, a person that differs on fundamental issues of faith and morals (i.e., contraception, abortion, divorce, etc.), a person that disagrees on have children, and a person with psychological issues. These are major issues that typically do not go away, and can cause major issues in a marriage. Of course, marriages with these issues can still work out, but it’s easier not to build a marriage on sand.

I sooooo agree with you on what you have written here! That is basic conversations and those issues can create major difficulties in marriage plus are a significant amount of divorces. I also would warn about anything that represents major differences in culture.

 

[robwar]

I sooooo agree with you on what you have written here! That is basic conversations and those issues can create major difficulties in marriage plus are a significant amount of divorces. I also would warn about anything that represents major differences in culture.

I wish I would see more posts like this. Sadly and even on CAF, when the questions come up about dating or marrying someone from another faith or even no faith, there are only a few of us that stand up say, not a good idea. Like you said in your other post, people let their hormons and emotions drive the dating and get too involved and red flags come up and then are too tied up emotionally to brake it off.

 

[Jeff415]

Just wanted to throw my two cents in quickly. I have been happily married for almost 2 years. A few thoughts:

1. For me, the greatest revelation of my discernment after I knew I was called to marriage was how important it would be for my spouse to share my faith. When I was young, I thought that type of thinking was arrogant and that as long as you were “compatible”, everything would work out. The truth, however, is that a marriage based on devout faith and the desire for truth will be unbreakable. My wife and I have had many difficulties in our short marriage. Some were external circumstances and some were of our own doing, but underneath the sometimes hectic surface, there was a deep peace knowing that God had bound our sacramental marriage and that the hopes, fears, and desires we each had originated from our faith in God and the shared belief in the teachings of His holy Catholic Church. The easiest way for a marriage to fail is for both spouses to expect something about the other and then feel betrayed when that something turns out not to be true. (A very common example: man and woman get married having only briefly discussed whether they want to have children and after 6 months of marriage the woman is ready to start a family and the man wants to wait another 5 years.) When you both hold steadfast to the same faith, sooooooo many of the things that wound a marriage and cause confusion, miscommunication, and anger are non-starters. As many people have commented, people change over time (this is a good thing!). Sharing such a deep faith as Catholicism means that while the spouses may change over time, the core beliefs that they hold will not. When we were still engaged, my fiancée and I would often pray, "God, please bring us closer to You, and thereby, closer to each other.
2. Once I felt fairly confident in my call to marriage, I started praying and going to Mass as often as I could (I was by noooooo means a saint). In fact, my journey from Junior year of high school when I began attempting this deepened relationship with God to the time when I got married as a senior in college is no less than a miracle. I began to look for a young woman who was already living the faith I was trying to. In fact, once I set this as my primary criteria for a future spouse, things fell into place very quickly. The ultimate objective of marriage is to help your spouse get to heaven, so start out on the right foot by finding someone that will help you be a better person and that you want to be a better person for. This does not mean that you should go looking for the perfect, sanctified, holy woman to marry (other than the Virgin Mary, she doesn’t exist)! It means that you should honestly attempt to live your faith and find someone who is honestly attempting to live theirs (presence at daily Mass is a good bet).
3. Always remember that divorce is a choice. Take steps to make sure that your marriage is valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church (meeting all the criteria). Especially important and sadly rarer today is the choice to not contracept. Be open to life. Use NFP joyfully. It will make you respect your wife and your intimacy so much more. It never just happens that in 20 years you make a single choice of signing pen to paper and end up divorced. Divorce is the result of many choices, many days, many failures in communication. If you and your spouse are honest with yourselves and each other about your relationship, divorce will not just sneak up on you. You will have many, many, many opportunities to mend any small cracks in your marriage before things get close to that point.

Sorry! Didn’t mean to go on for so long! Anyway, do not be afraid! Don’t ponder hypothetical situations, because we are given the grace to do God’s will exactly where we are in life, not in a made up future. The world is fraught with perils and trials no matter what path you are called to. For those called to marriage, having a spouse to journey through this life with is a joy beyond belief. Getting married to my wife, even though we were both 21 and it was very hard at times, was absolutely the greatest blessing of my short years and I thank God every day for it.

 

[Magickman]

A healthy fear of marriage is a manifestation of wisdom. Marriage is a very serious thing, not to be entered lightly.

Although I have dated from time to time, to have taken any of those relationships to marriage would have been a misalliance. As I approach age 65, marriage seems less and less likely. It is a blessing for many, but not for all.

 

[HandyAndy]

“Fear of marriage”…If marriage is a sacrament…why should one fear it? You must be open to the hand of God to work his magic. If its not a “fit”…you’ll be given the warning signs. To put restrictions on the hand of God is a mistake IMHO. He’s not a shopping mall Santa, where you present him with a list…must be Catholic, must be blond, must be this or that if I am to be happy. He knows and will send you what he knows will be good for your soul. Be discerning by all means…but be open to all possibilities.

I was not a Catholic when I fell in love and married. Religion was never a deal breaker though. She makes me laugh and we can talk for hours. We struggle to be apart from each other. But at first…I was discerning when she came onto my radar…but there was nothing that I wanted to change and nothing I felt uneasy about, or that I would have to ignor if we were to be happy. The whole vibe was a strong one. I new religion was something we would have to deal with, but her religion was part of her and she was who I loved. To change that was to change her and at that stage…to me…religions were all pretty much the same accept that Catholics did a lot more kneeling, standing and sitting. It was more like an aerobics class, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. They read from the same bible and if my wife was the end result…I could roll with it. I’d been baptised Free Presbyterian, grew up Presbyterian, Confirmed Uniting, so I guess Catholic was just another choir singing from the same hymn book.
26 years, and 4 kids later. I can see why he put the two of us together. We are truly blessed. I was confirmed in the Catholic faith some many years ago and the spiritual journey just never ends. I have always been gifted what I needed when I needed it and often not what I may have thought I needed. I am always surprised at the ones God chooses to be his advocates of love and the little foot soldiers of spirituality…even an old ex Prodo like me.
I have one daughter married to a non Catholic, and am watching the hand of God at work with him, with a knowing smile that he won’t even see it coming. Keep in mind he was a nice guy to begin with. He has a good heart and his journey home is unfolding. Everything in God’s time. I have another daughter who also chose a non Catholic. This guy prayed that God would send him a girlfriend. I smile at his surprise of been given a “Catholic”. They are getting married this year and guess what…he was confirmed in the Catholic faith at Christmas. His heart is also a good one.
Catholic means universal. A religion for everyone, that no longer discriminated between Gentile or Jew. We are all God’s children. He knows us all and has already written on their hearts from their very moment of conception. They are all drawn home and depending on the exposure to him…some may take a little longer then others to find the truth and begin that journey home.
This is a very present Christ among us. He desires all souls with his love. Should our love for each other be any less.

 

[EasterJoy]

In a conversation with the young people of Umbria, near Assissi, on Oct. 4, 2013, Pope Francis was asked this question:

“We young people live in a society where feeling good, having fun and thinking of oneself is central. Living married life as young Christians is complex, and being open to life is often challenging and frightening. As a young couple, we feel the joy of living out our marriage, but we also experience its daily struggles and challenges. How can the Church help us, how can our pastors support us, and what steps are we called to make?”

His answer is at vatican.va/holy_father/francesco/speeches/2013/october/documents/papa-francesco_20131004_giovani-assisi_en.html; if the link doesn’t work, look under his speeches for October 2013.

 

[Musician]

Got married at age 20 to an older man; no one thought it would last.
We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve been married 28 wonderful years and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I see lots of “bad marriage” posts but then this is a place where people ask for advice, so people like me don’t really express how joyous marriage really is.

 

[His_helpmeet]

It may be helpful to enter marriage with the boundary already in place that divorce is NEVER an option. (The only exception to this that would be noted before marriage is abuse - and abuse is not something that occurs overnight; there would likely already be signs of it BEFORE the marriage ever occurred.) That’s what DH and I did. We’ve been married for almost 3 years. It hasn’t always been easy (particularly because I was dealing with an undiagnosed mental illness for the first part) but I am SO grateful to DH for all that he has done for me and I am happy about all that we have been able to accomplish.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Also what about some of your marital successes to lighten the mood around here?

I made a thread a couple of days ago about a “success.”

 

[Allegra]

If it helps, my marriage is going great. However, just because someone complains about an aspect of their married life not going the way it should, it doesn’t mean that they are miserable and will get a divorce. Strong marriages are able to get through the tough times.