Fear of thought

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LilyRice

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Hello,
I am looking for some solace, words of wisdom. I need to talk. I am worried because of a thought some time ago. When I was younger I often was overworked (+ other problems) and being a sensitive person, I came to despair due to tiredness. In such despair I had thoughts like: Oh God let this all finish; Oh God I have enough of such life; Oh God let me be sick or sth and have rest and so on. I regret them. Currently, my health deteriorated a bit (not serious according to doctors but unpleasant to me) and I have such thoughts that God had listened to my “bad wish” and I will die soon or at least be very ill. And it will happen regardless of medical condition. That my “wish” must come true. I keep praying for giving me strength and I keep apologising for these thoughts, I try to be kind and helpful to others but I cannot be at ease. What else I can do ? Is it anywhere stated that God listens to such thoughts?
 
Please talk to your Priest and tell him of your worries. Let him help you.

I’m sorry you’re ill. I hope you recover soon.
 
The Christian life is intended to provide us with joy. If it is not, a talk with father outside of the confessional may be in order. If that is not fruitful (do not expect instant change, as God has the right to test you), then consider counseling. It is also good to seek medical advice as the chemical composition of your blood may be out of range. Get outside of yourself. You seem to have turned inward and depression is the natural, unavoidable result. Take what health you have left and volunteer somewhere. Helping those who are much worse off than yourself will reset your perspective.

Have I wanted it all to be over? Yes. But that was only after three cancers, seven years of constant chemotherapy and biological drug treatment, a subsequent stem cell transplant and four years of constant treatment for transplant rejection issues. This treatment will continue for the remainder of my life. I agree to suffer for love of God. It is a hard lesson, but as one makes progress (even baby steps as I do), the joy of living returns.
 
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G-d does listen to such thoughts as He listens to all thoughts. But that doesn’t mean He will grant you what you wished for, because He knows that you probably didn’t really mean what you said. You say yourself you were overworked, tired, are a sensitive person, and you were younger than you are now. Given all of these conditions, G-d understood that you were not wishing for something you wanted, but your circumstances were making you say this. So my advice would be to thank G-d for all that you have now, continue with your life rather than preoccupying yourself with bad thoughts about your former wish, take care of your physical and psychological health, and speak to a priest about your present situation and perhaps also a counselor or psychologist, if you feel it is necessary.
 
Read the Psalms, there are Psalms of great suffering, crying out to the Lord.

Read Jesus Agony in the Garden, even Christ prayed for the cup to pass from Him.

Cry out to God. He is close to the brokenhearted.
 
God realizes your thoughts were expressions of a troubled or tired mind and is NOT giving you an illness because of your thoughts.

It’s more likely that your health ran down because of some physical cause which might have been worsened slightly by you being troubled or tired or having negative thoughts.

Also, sometimes when we think about something like “if only I could get sick and then I’d get a rest”, and then it actually happens, we learn a lesson about how our thought was foolish. Simply take the lesson to heart and don’t think like that any more because now you know you don’t really want to be sick.

Many decades ago I wished every day that I could die because life seemed too hard. Then one day I got mugged and thought I might actually be killed. I realized I did not want to die. But I don’t think God sent a mugger after me because of my wish.
 
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When you speak of tiredness. I’m assuming that you mean a tiredness that is deeper than just a lack of physical energy please correct me if I am mistaken. I personally call it soul weariness. I will be tired and I will look at a situation and realize that long term this life is nothing but misery! Nothing in this life brings the joy that will forever take away that deep seeded weariness. Despair is the absolute absence of hope. I like to meditate on Mary During the Crucifixtion and I think about what she must have been thinking when watching Jesus die. She probably longed for it to be over as well, because a mother should never have to have their children die before them. But trusting not only her son, but the Savior that all was not hopeless gives us hope that we too can give our anguish and despair to Jesus just as His mother did. I personally do this by taking a moment and imagining me handing over every annoyance and weariness to Mary so that she can give it to Jesus. I imagine packing it into a small box and leaving it upon an altar in my mind. And walking away knowing it’s taken care of.
 
I totally get you, OP.

I struggle with thoughts myself for many years; my mind simply is a war zone at times.
My advice is this: Take on the Jesuit First Principle and Foundation.

Here’s how I apply it:

Take it as a First Principle of your life that in everything you choose: Is it praising, respecting and serving God and thus saving my soul?

Next; give up everything to God: Totus tuus. Don’t pay any mind to your thoughts and focus your attention on God. Commend yourself to Christ and rely totally on Him. Everything of you is God’s and it’s His Will you seek to serve.

God bless you and I hope this helps.
 
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“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

Please do not worry. God is a good Father and only is able to will the best for you. Pray “Jesus I trust in You” often. 🙂
God bless
 
In all seriousness, I would suggest that you seek professional help. Priests are fine for moral issues; they are generally not equipped to handle psychological issues, and your description seems to outline such a need.

Don’t quit praying; don’t quit the Church; but seek proper professional help. People hare are not equipped to assist in such; the forum is not the place to get the help needed.
 
I would say not to worry, God is love and nobody love us as much as He does. Keep praying but trust entirely on God for what happens next.

You must “throw” yourself entirely on Jesus arms with full trust and confidence that He will take care of everything if you allow Him to do so.

From St. Faustina Diary:

And the Lord answered, If souls would put themselves completely in My care, I Myself would undertake the task of sanctifying them, and I would lavish even greater graces on them. There are souls who thwart My efforts, but I have not given up on them; as often as they turn to Me, I hurry to their aid, shielding them with My mercy, and I give them the first place in My compassionate Heart ( Diary, 1682).

God Bless
 
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I’m sure God hears those thoughts. I’m also sure he “hears” their context as well. And hears it all with compassion! Remember Jesus himself prayed in Gethsemane that “this cup would pass me by.” On a human level he did not feel like suffering and dying, even though he embraced it for love of us. He understands the sentiments we have at our lowest moments & is not some unfeeling monster who will “make you eat your words”!
 
I don’t think god follows the “monkey’s paw” school of wish fulfillment.
 
Seek out a spiritual advisor. But first and foremost, pray for inner peace.
 
Thank you so much for these words, it means a lot to me. Bless you.
 
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