Fear of Trivia

[DL82]

I have this terrible fear of trivia. A fear of being interested in anything that’s not 100% serious and important. It makes me quite humourless and difficult to get to know.

I’ve had it from as far back as I can remember, it always kept me at a distance from joining my friends in clubs at school, whether it was the geeky friends with their Warhammer games (I think that may be where the fear came from, a fear of becoming like the grown men who work in those Games Workshop stores, or like comic-book guy from The Simpsons) or the more popular crowd and any sport which I knew would take a lot of time to get good at. There’s always been this fear that, if I buy a silly pencil-top or find an exotic shell on the beach, it will come to dominate me, and I’m going to turn into this obsessive collector, this lonely old man who the kids working in the store laugh at when I come shuffling in every day to check if they have any new pencil-tops to add to my collection.

I do have a slightly intense side, but I know this fear is irrational. It’s probably no surprise that my main interests are social policy and religion, which seem ‘important’, but are also very heavy-going. I even gave up an interest in party politics because it seemed too much about intrigue and popularity, and not enough about the ‘real’ issues, which makes it harder for me to have influence, even when my ideas are good ones. I’ve noticed I’ve become quite blunt with people lately, and I don’t like it. I get the feeling if I was married, I would be less afraid of doing things just for the fun of it, taking an interest in sports or taking up painting or learning a musical instrument. In the meantime, my life is basically my PhD studies, wider study of sociology and social policy, my work with the Legion of Mary and other work around the parish, studying my faith, the most ‘trivial’ thing I’ll allow myself is the occasional TV documentary or topical comedy, talking to friends on facebook, and blogging here. Ironically, I’m not all that productive at the moment, and know I need to let my hair down more. In a way, I’d really like to meet a woman who has a similarly intense, ambitious desire for her life to make an impact, or at least who would accept the distant stare that I sometimes get in my eye, but I don’t know where or whether someone like that exists.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. Can anyone sympathise? Any ideas?

 

[yellowbird]

I can’t relate to your intensity, but I honestly believe there IS someone for everyone. There is nothing wrong with being very serious… I would desribe yourself as that rather than of having a fear of trivia. That sounds sort of of … odd. And you don’t sound odd. Just very serious.

 

[ljubim]

Remember that Jesus loved to spend time with His apostles and although they spoke of God and love and religion, they did it as friends, with drinks all around!

Our Lord also made a lot of furniture and woodwork, as a sort of creative outlet and a way to spend time with Joseph, and make some money for Mary. This is a hobby (imagine that, Our Lord had a hobby!).

Plus He was an expert story-teller.

You should follow His example! Jesus led a joyful life on earth, with intermittent sorrows and troubles. But these did not keep Him from being happy, and having some fun too. (Remember the wedding at Cana?)

 

[Eliza10]

Well, do you listen to other people talk about their trivia? You can always be a listener and appreciator, trying to understand and affirm that people enjoy things you don’t. Actually that would be a great exercise for getting yourself ready for the day God brings you that great girl you will want to marry. One of my favorite books (I’ve read it three times!) is A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. He and his wife have a very beautiful, though pagan love (that changes later in the book). They decide early in their relationship to learn everything there is to know about each other’s interests. If one likes opera, or one likes football, the other will learn everything about it because if one likes it there must be something good about it. And so they learn until they can take an interest in everything each other likes; favorite books, places, etc. And you’ll like Sheldon and Davy; they are very intellectual. (Included is their personal correspondence with C.S.Lewis).

So, since you want to marry someday you will want to know and appreciate the things your wife appreciates, and you can begin to practice this skill with the people God puts in your life - learning to appreciate the trivia that matters to* them*.

Maybe you are a bit of an intellectual snob, and need to appreciate people for what they are. I say that because I make and appreciate art, and I have a really hard time appreciating bad art. For example, many craft shows used to make me feel kind of sick. Crocheted salmon and mint kleenex box covers? Plastic dolls dressed in tacky homemade clothes? Etc. etc. I would develop a mighty headache just seeing some of it. Now I try not to be such a snob and appreciate the bigger picture. People making things with their hands and their delight in that and happiness at being able to sell what they make. Its a fine thing to enjoy the simple things and they do and I can appreciate that.

I’ve gotten better, though I still have to work at it. A friend invited me to attend a craft show at Christmas time and I did well until the end when I was overwhelmed by some booths with tons of stuff carefully arranged that no one was looking at because it wasn’t nice or useful things that people would want to have. But there was tons of it! I felt so sorry, sorry, sorry for the people who took all this time to make this stuff in hopes of booming business, all the time it must take to pack it, haul it, arrange it. And they looked sad. I thought, I should bring more money to these things and just buy from the people who can’t sell so they can have the joy of a sale and then donate the items. That would be a remedy for my artistic snobbery.

So you might have to work at your trivia snobbery, at listening to people and learning to appreciate the trivia they like. But it will be a humbling exercise and who can’t use that?

 

[dakotagirl]

I have this terrible fear of trivia. A fear of being interested in anything that’s not 100% serious and important. It makes me quite humourless and difficult to get to know.

I’ve had it from as far back as I can remember, it always kept me at a distance from joining my friends in clubs at school, whether it was the geeky friends with their Warhammer games (I think that may be where the fear came from, a fear of becoming like the grown men who work in those Games Workshop stores, or like comic-book guy from The Simpsons) or the more popular crowd and any sport which I knew would take a lot of time to get good at. There’s always been this fear that, if I buy a silly pencil-top or find an exotic shell on the beach, it will come to dominate me, and I’m going to turn into this obsessive collector, this lonely old man who the kids working in the store laugh at when I come shuffling in every day to check if they have any new pencil-tops to add to my collection.

I do have a slightly intense side, but I know this fear is irrational. It’s probably no surprise that my main interests are social policy and religion, which seem ‘important’, but are also very heavy-going. I even gave up an interest in party politics because it seemed too much about intrigue and popularity, and not enough about the ‘real’ issues, which makes it harder for me to have influence, even when my ideas are good ones. I’ve noticed I’ve become quite blunt with people lately, and I don’t like it. I get the feeling if I was married, I would be less afraid of doing things just for the fun of it, taking an interest in sports or taking up painting or learning a musical instrument. In the meantime, my life is basically my PhD studies, wider study of sociology and social policy, my work with the Legion of Mary and other work around the parish, studying my faith, the most ‘trivial’ thing I’ll allow myself is the occasional TV documentary or topical comedy, talking to friends on facebook, and blogging here. Ironically, I’m not all that productive at the moment, and know I need to let my hair down more. In a way, I’d really like to meet a woman who has a similarly intense, ambitious desire for her life to make an impact, or at least who would accept the distant stare that I sometimes get in my eye, but I don’t know where or whether someone like that exists.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. Can anyone sympathise? Any ideas?

Not good, my friend. :tsktsk: Laughing is good for the mental and physical health. OTOH, can we trade places? (From someone with Chronic Laughing Disorder). Re: being lonely for the rest of your life - something tells me that you have nothing to worry about. (A certain eerily similar profile of a guy on a certain very Catholic dating website tells me this :ehh Don’t be modest, old chap, life is too short. . How can you not love humor?

 

[Fran65]

I can relate to your fear of becoming the weird old eccentric shuffling around and being teased or patronised!

I’ve always been kind of quirky- interested in literature, philosophy, religion, other cultures and wanting always to learn; I also have an obsessional nature. I actively control some of my behaviour and desires as a way of avoiding becoming what I imagine to be a sad, lonely, old eccentric. I regularly go through my home and donate or throw out ‘stuff’ that accumulates as a result of some of my ‘enthusiasms’. I also have a rule that if I buy a book then I try and get rid of a book as I have a vision of living in a house packed ot the rafters with moulding, old, unread books. I make sure that I get up every day and keep the house clean and tidy; I dress smartly and fashionably. It helps that I work in a private school where we have a dress code and working in teaching also means that I am spend a lot of time around other people with very varied and completely different interests to mine. I have adopted the method suggested by another poster of listening and asking questions. For example, I don’t watch much TV, but I enjoy listening to people talk about it. It helps that most people enjoy talking and specifically talking about themselves! It works for me.

Finally, what I will say is that as I get older I realise that although it is healthy to keep an eye on obsessions, to care for one’s appearance and home (amongst other things) and to keep in touch with others and with the world; actually who you are is a gift from God. The ‘eccentric’ in society can often be someone who brings a great deal into people’s lives and into the world. If you think about it, many of the great saints, scientists, artists, inventors and writers were and are ‘eccentric’.

I was given the following saying when I left school;

‘Who you are is a gift from God; who you become is your gift to Him.’

 

[monicatholic]

DL,

you’ve traded in one extreme for another. the only solution? fight the dark side.

what do you know about the sex life of the giant squid? not enough, i’d wager.

do you have the bonsai kitty site bookmarked? ding.net/bonsaikitten/ why not? print bonsai kitty stationary. write to mom.

line dancing may be yesterday’s news but it’s still good for you and there are still free classes offered at the student union. invite a friend.

a BIG canvas board can be bought for $20. cheap acrylic tubes (you’ll need BIG ones to cover the board) can be got for about $7 a piece. you’ll need a bunch of good colors-- plus black and white. so figure $50 on paint. a couple of good brushes will cost $20. for less than a hundred bucks (and you’ll still have plenty of paint and the brushes when you’re done, so this is an investment) paint a BIG picture of an owl. here’s a good one: s3.amazonaws.com/1000markets-images/pictures/0054/7404/70s_owl_sq.jpg?20091124160139 hang it in your kitchen. if it comes out really bad, that’s even better-- hang it in your entrance hall for everybody to see.

go geocaching.

chase storms.

purchase and wear three stooges boxer shorts shopknuckleheads.com/The-Three-Stooges-Color-Block-Boxers-P848.aspx

carry a helium balloon to work. smile like an idiot the whole time. when you get to the front door of work, release it. watch it float away. keep smiling.

penguins are proof that GOD has a sense of humor.

 

[Chovy]

About 10 years ago, my great uncle died, and my aunt and my mother had the job of cleaning out his things. Just prior to this they had cleaned out their brother’s house. Both men were collectors of things, junk really.

My mom turned to her sister and said, “When I die, people will be happy that I don’t have a bunch of garbage collected that they have to go through.”

Her sister said, “That’s what these people thought. That’s what everybody thinks.”

I mention this because everybody thinks their interests are not trivial, and that other people’s interests are. My hobbies are of interest to me, and quite frankly I think they are rather fascinating and should be fascinating to everyone. I could make a nice list here of what they do for me, my brain, the world, etc. But for whatever reason, other ladies think that scrapbooking, or knitting, or having pets, etc. is a good use of their time and these would bore me to death.

I would say that your interests probably do not discourage people from getting to know you better. I think a person who has an interest and who can share something interesting about their hobby or passion (without obsessing) is always fascinating.

 

[DL82]

(A certain eerily similar profile of a guy on a certain very Catholic dating website tells me this :ehh

Not me.

I did the online dating thing once, it was a success up to a point, but there was a problem of distance, and of not really being the people we said we were. In the end, I’ve come to see the advantage of getting to know people closer to home.

 

[DL82]

DL,

you’ve traded in one extreme for another. the only solution? fight the dark side.

what do you know about the sex life of the giant squid? not enough, i’d wager.

do you have the bonsai kitty site bookmarked? ding.net/bonsaikitten/ why not? print bonsai kitty stationary. write to mom.

line dancing may be yesterday’s news but it’s still good for you and there are still free classes offered at the student union. invite a friend.

a BIG canvas board can be bought for $20. cheap acrylic tubes (you’ll need BIG ones to cover the board) can be got for about $7 a piece. you’ll need a bunch of good colors-- plus black and white. so figure $50 on paint. a couple of good brushes will cost $20. for less than a hundred bucks (and you’ll still have plenty of paint and the brushes when you’re done, so this is an investment) paint a BIG picture of an owl. here’s a good one: s3.amazonaws.com/1000markets-images/pictures/0054/7404/70s_owl_sq.jpg?20091124160139 hang it in your kitchen. if it comes out really bad, that’s even better-- hang it in your entrance hall for everybody to see.

go geocaching.

chase storms.

purchase and wear three stooges boxer shorts shopknuckleheads.com/The-Three-Stooges-Color-Block-Boxers-P848.aspx

carry a helium balloon to work. smile like an idiot the whole time. when you get to the front door of work, release it. watch it float away. keep smiling.

penguins are proof that GOD has a sense of humor.

I love this. Thankyou.

 

[DL82]

DL,

you’ve traded in one extreme for another. the only solution? fight the dark side.

what do you know about the sex life of the giant squid? not enough, i’d wager.

do you have the bonsai kitty site bookmarked? ding.net/bonsaikitten/ why not? print bonsai kitty stationary. write to mom.

line dancing may be yesterday’s news but it’s still good for you and there are still free classes offered at the student union. invite a friend.

a BIG canvas board can be bought for $20. cheap acrylic tubes (you’ll need BIG ones to cover the board) can be got for about $7 a piece. you’ll need a bunch of good colors-- plus black and white. so figure $50 on paint. a couple of good brushes will cost $20. for less than a hundred bucks (and you’ll still have plenty of paint and the brushes when you’re done, so this is an investment) paint a BIG picture of an owl. here’s a good one: s3.amazonaws.com/1000markets-images/pictures/0054/7404/70s_owl_sq.jpg?20091124160139 hang it in your kitchen. if it comes out really bad, that’s even better-- hang it in your entrance hall for everybody to see.

go geocaching.

chase storms.

purchase and wear three stooges boxer shorts shopknuckleheads.com/The-Three-Stooges-Color-Block-Boxers-P848.aspx

carry a helium balloon to work. smile like an idiot the whole time. when you get to the front door of work, release it. watch it float away. keep smiling.

penguins are proof that GOD has a sense of humor.

Thinking about all this stuff again, I think that’s why I want to get married. I’d love to be a dad and do all this kind of silly, fun stuff with my kids. Despite being desperately serious, I somehow know I’d be different if I had kids. When I was with my ex, I really allowed my silly side to come out, and it was good fun, but I can’t break out of what people expect of me as this serious, single-minded graduate student single guy. I know that all that stuff would be meaningful if I did it for my kids, and so I’d love to do it. If I did it for my own sake, I’d get worried again that any aspect of it would become an obsession, that I’d become an obsessive geocacher or owl painter (or Catholic Answers poster for that matter). I guess I will never know why.