I recently have had some weird experiences when waking up from naps. I’ll be waking up with a startlingly vivid understanding of my own mortality. This has happened more than once and sometimes its accompanied by the feeling of entering infinite darkness. Every time it happens, it scares the living daylights out of me. My mom thinks it is a panic attack but I didn’t really go into detail when I told her because I figured it was something that I couldn’t adequately explain. It doesn’t feel like anything physical/emotional. It feels spiritual. I am not really sure how to explain it besides that.
I guess, I am just scared that even though I have a past with sin, and even though I confessed that time of my life, maybe I missed things or was lazy and didn’t confess stuff that I was suppose to.
Sometimes I feel like it is just so hard to get to heaven. I want to go to heaven with all that is within me… but I can’t seem to kick this feeling. What if all my efforts are in vain?
Fear of death is, in psychological terms, “Thanatophobia”. Most people fear death, I would say.
Sleep is actually pretty complex stuff…rapid eye movement, etc. There are people with “night terrors” who have disturbing dreams. I had a friend once who had that. She got to the point she didn´t want to go to sleep for fear of the nightmares!
Sometimes, people may, unbeknownst to them, have conditions, such as sleep apnea. My father had that, I seem to have that. When I can´t breathe during sleep, I imagine all kinds of things…that I’m dying, etc.
If this continues, there are sleep clinics for the physical aspect of it.
If it’s emotional, there are psychological avenues…counseling. Some people suffer traumas, which, during sleep, come to the surface.
Spritually, if it is that, then there might be some spiritual ways to handle that.
Well, insofar as confession is concerned, you can do a general confession if that would help you feel more at peace. However, after that, let it go. If you are still having fear, it could be scrupulosity or some other thing.
Insofar as fear of death, if I had what you’re going through, I think I’d also try not to watch any scary movies before bedtime, do things to relieve stress, comfort, and reassure me.
Insofar as sin, it was said that Christ spoke to St. Faustina about confession. She had doubted she had been forgiven. Christ said he was more hurt by her doubting his forgiveness than be the sin she had originally committed!
One can drive oneself crazy with “what if’s”…“What if I forgot a sin?” “What if …”.
We need to have some peace of mind, somehow. I think Christ gave us the sacrament of reconciliation to help us be more at peace.
If you have confessed, let it go. Stop tormenting yourself. If you prefer, do a general confession…then…be at peace. If you absolutely can´t let it rest after that, some kind of other dynamic may be at work which may need to be addressed. God bless you, Dear.
Good luck!
