M
Monica4316
Guest
Hi everyone,
Over the past few months I’ve gone through many spiritual difficulties but this seems to be the worst one yet. A while ago, I had this really powerful (forceful, vivid) spiritual experience which was as if God was telling me to leave the Catholic Church… and although whatever it was “communicated” to me that it was God, - it didn’t feel like God at all, - and the experience was extremely forceful and uncomfortable. It didn’t give me any peace, though at one point I said “yes” to it, - I still didn’t feel peace, but a great anxiety. Afterwards the anxiety went away, and I felt Catholic again. But whatever it was, it spoke to my mind only, not my heart, and it was so forceful that I found it difficult to think or be aware of anything else. There was a great sense of clarity but in an oppressive way, not like the light and understanding that sometimes we get from God. Since then, I’ve been wondering, what if this was God?? Could He speak in this way, or does He only speak to us in a gentle peaceful way? I felt so confused… and then a couple days ago, I decided it’s from the enemy… and suddenly, I felt SUCH guilt and fear because I felt that I had committed the unforgiveable sin like the Pharisees in Matthew 12 (because they said that something from the Holy Spirit was evil). I tried telling myself, - unlike the Pharisees I didn’t mean to imply that the Holy Spirit is evil, actually the opposite, I didn’t want to attribute something that felt so horrible, to the Spirit.
For the next half an hour after that, it was complete torment because I felt like I was already in hell, - I felt lost for all eternity and the “voice” came back and started telling me that with SUCH force… I almost felt like my mind was being taken over. By the way, that “voice” tells me that I should be Eastern Orthodox, which is what I was before I converted. I feel like it’s using my fears and doubts, - but what if it’s from God? I can’t tell! Well - when I was very close to complete despair, - I suddenly got the grace to turn back to my faith, and suddenly felt this incredible inner peace and confidence…and all the pain went away. It’s almost like God healed my heart. This lasted for a long time, though sometimes that temptation returned, - I found a solution by just turning back to that inner voice in my heart that told me to be Catholic and gave me peace. I decided maybe it’s God, who dwells in my heart and gives me faith.
But then after a while, I started getting tempted with other thoughts, like towards vainglory (so silly I know) and gave in to that, - and then I thought, what if I’m just imagining that ‘inner’ voice? And I started to doubt again… I found all kinds of “mental” prayer extremely difficult, even the Rosary. I prayed the Rosary anyways, but felt great unrest and anxiety afterwards, because whenever I turned to mental prayer all those fears came back. Only looking towards God in my heart gave me peace (but I don’t know if I was just imagining Him, or if it was really Him.) I then started praying really hard for the truth… which ended with me feeling sure that I’ve committed the unforgiveable sin and rejected something from God. I spent the whole night feeling like I’ve lost Jesus, - and not just feeling that in my senses, (as in: desolation), but in my soul. I felt like He’s rejecting me… and that I would never be able to come back, that I would never even be given the light to see my sin and to repent. (so now, whenever I feel peace about being Catholic, I wonder if I’m being deceived!)
Tomorrow morning I will be speaking to a priest and hopefully I’ll tell him this whole story and see what he says… but Im asking here if you could please pray that God would help me understand the truth, that He would help me repent of all my sins (distrust might be one in this situation) and that He would give me light on this issue. Please pray that God would be merciful to me even if I have rejected His voice, that He would help me see that and confess the sin. Also if you have any thoughts I’d appreciate that too!
I will continue praying the Rosary and I’m not giving up, but I really need God’s help… I feel peace in my heart when I think of being Catholic, and also my decision is supported by doctrine, the Scriptures, history, etc, - but isn’t there also a form of false peace that the devil gives? I can’t decide if the devil is accusing me of unforgiveable sin and tempting me to despair and distrust in God, or if he’s giving me a false peace to keep me from following God. However, I believe it is him who is accusing me because God draws us to repentance, and doesn’t accuse.
Thank you!!
Over the past few months I’ve gone through many spiritual difficulties but this seems to be the worst one yet. A while ago, I had this really powerful (forceful, vivid) spiritual experience which was as if God was telling me to leave the Catholic Church… and although whatever it was “communicated” to me that it was God, - it didn’t feel like God at all, - and the experience was extremely forceful and uncomfortable. It didn’t give me any peace, though at one point I said “yes” to it, - I still didn’t feel peace, but a great anxiety. Afterwards the anxiety went away, and I felt Catholic again. But whatever it was, it spoke to my mind only, not my heart, and it was so forceful that I found it difficult to think or be aware of anything else. There was a great sense of clarity but in an oppressive way, not like the light and understanding that sometimes we get from God. Since then, I’ve been wondering, what if this was God?? Could He speak in this way, or does He only speak to us in a gentle peaceful way? I felt so confused… and then a couple days ago, I decided it’s from the enemy… and suddenly, I felt SUCH guilt and fear because I felt that I had committed the unforgiveable sin like the Pharisees in Matthew 12 (because they said that something from the Holy Spirit was evil). I tried telling myself, - unlike the Pharisees I didn’t mean to imply that the Holy Spirit is evil, actually the opposite, I didn’t want to attribute something that felt so horrible, to the Spirit.
For the next half an hour after that, it was complete torment because I felt like I was already in hell, - I felt lost for all eternity and the “voice” came back and started telling me that with SUCH force… I almost felt like my mind was being taken over. By the way, that “voice” tells me that I should be Eastern Orthodox, which is what I was before I converted. I feel like it’s using my fears and doubts, - but what if it’s from God? I can’t tell! Well - when I was very close to complete despair, - I suddenly got the grace to turn back to my faith, and suddenly felt this incredible inner peace and confidence…and all the pain went away. It’s almost like God healed my heart. This lasted for a long time, though sometimes that temptation returned, - I found a solution by just turning back to that inner voice in my heart that told me to be Catholic and gave me peace. I decided maybe it’s God, who dwells in my heart and gives me faith.
But then after a while, I started getting tempted with other thoughts, like towards vainglory (so silly I know) and gave in to that, - and then I thought, what if I’m just imagining that ‘inner’ voice? And I started to doubt again… I found all kinds of “mental” prayer extremely difficult, even the Rosary. I prayed the Rosary anyways, but felt great unrest and anxiety afterwards, because whenever I turned to mental prayer all those fears came back. Only looking towards God in my heart gave me peace (but I don’t know if I was just imagining Him, or if it was really Him.) I then started praying really hard for the truth… which ended with me feeling sure that I’ve committed the unforgiveable sin and rejected something from God. I spent the whole night feeling like I’ve lost Jesus, - and not just feeling that in my senses, (as in: desolation), but in my soul. I felt like He’s rejecting me… and that I would never be able to come back, that I would never even be given the light to see my sin and to repent. (so now, whenever I feel peace about being Catholic, I wonder if I’m being deceived!)
Tomorrow morning I will be speaking to a priest and hopefully I’ll tell him this whole story and see what he says… but Im asking here if you could please pray that God would help me understand the truth, that He would help me repent of all my sins (distrust might be one in this situation) and that He would give me light on this issue. Please pray that God would be merciful to me even if I have rejected His voice, that He would help me see that and confess the sin. Also if you have any thoughts I’d appreciate that too!
I will continue praying the Rosary and I’m not giving up, but I really need God’s help… I feel peace in my heart when I think of being Catholic, and also my decision is supported by doctrine, the Scriptures, history, etc, - but isn’t there also a form of false peace that the devil gives? I can’t decide if the devil is accusing me of unforgiveable sin and tempting me to despair and distrust in God, or if he’s giving me a false peace to keep me from following God. However, I believe it is him who is accusing me because God draws us to repentance, and doesn’t accuse.
Thank you!!
