F
feelinglostnow
Guest
Wow guys, I really never expected such a response. I apologize for my delay, I’m new to this whole thing. So here goes my response:
Counseling: Yes, this is something I need for myself. I recognize I have issues and concerns with him, and with myself, and whether or not he agrees or choose to go, I need this for me. I have found a Catholic MFT which I think is a good option because just so you all know…Divorce, is not an option. I come from a divorced family, and I saw what it was like. Out of anger, a decision was made that would forever affect their lives and out of pride, they could never repair that. 27 years of marriage and something as silly as pride got in the way. Anyways…
As for him being unfaithful, it may seem as though I am in denial or everything else, but I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that he has not, nor will he cheat on me. Drinking, has always, been more important than everything else. This includes sex, or extramarital affairs. It’s important to note that his envy of other people’s wives and lives is that when their husbands drink they don’t get in trouble. Of course, I have offered him the advice that until he has walked a mile in their shoes he should not assume that their lives are what he envies.
I should also note that I’m young, 26 in fact, but feel mature for my age. I partied when I was younger, and personally decided that I didn’t want that life anymore. When I met him, he was still in this stage in his life, with drugs and alcohol. I stood by him for him to get through the drugs and I drew a hard line on the fact that I wasn’t going to be with someone who chose those things. The thing is, when I met him, I didn’t know he was an addict. He lied to me, and love is blind, so I wanted to believe it. Of course, I knew better, and confronted the issue. So many tears, so much heartache and now he has left that life behind. To him, he has already given up so much. He has already changed so much and I should just appreciate that. Truth is, he has, but it doesn’t excuse his actions today. He said yesterday in a email that he is “content with his recovery.” I feel selfish to say that I am not. I feel that yes, he has done an excellent job of recovering from drugs, but alcohol is stepping in. When we are together, and he is home, he is more in control. My friend told me that I am his moral compass, his conscious. Doesn’t mean I nag him or anything but when I’m around, he gets it, or at least most of the time he does.
So that’s why this seems to bother me more. As soon as I am not around, it’s as though he is “free” of me. And that, is hurtful. Would he really rather be alone and do whatever he wants? I want to believe no, but the truth is, I’m not so sure. The other thing is, I’m not the only one who notices. When he drinks excessively friends say he is “out of control.” Just last night at dinner, some of my friends were trying to describe him to someone who had never met him and this is what they used “He is a great guy, when he drinks that’s another story. And, he likes to drink.” I was mortified. This is what he is thought of? This is what people rely on him to be? And then it hit me, that’s who HE relies on HIMSELF to be. The “life” of the party, the guy who can drink more than everyone else. This is his “claim to fame.” So, in my email last night I tried a different approach. Told him that I love the person he is “Charismatic, charming, loving, sweet, funny, and a joy to be around.” I tried to explain that he didn’t need alcohol to be all those things, but that actually, alcohol took away those things.
His thing is he says he’s “social.” But you can be social and not be drunk. Right? I mean you can go to dinner and have a drink and enjoy hanging out with people and not focus on drinking as much as possible. The truth is, if anything, it makes it seem less social. Shouldn’t you be focusing on the people you are with, the conversation you are having, and not downing drinks?
In our short relationship together we have weathered so many storms. From his mom passing away from breast cancer to him losing his job and starting another career. I realize these are a part of life, but within 7 months of a relationship, these things can really change a person. I felt like, we had weathered the worst of it. As soon as I begin to heal, I feel broken again.
Samovila- You sound just like me. The first year has been hard. No one tells you that when you get married. Truth is, I have tried asking him (not telling him) that I am comfortable with 4 drinks, and that everything after that is downhill. The issue with my husband is that limits, anger him. If I say anything like that, he quickly gets angry.
As for children, trust me, I’m not the kind of woman who thinks a baby will make things better. The whole reason I want to go therapy (which I myself am not a fan of) is for the sake of resolving our issues before we ever bring a child into this world.
I am praying. I am praying so hard. A lot of me has lost hope, but I have given up on arguing, and instead just turned to prayer. I don’t know what else to do. I have spent the last few days, limiting my communication with him so that I could focus on me. It sounds selfish, but I have spent so long taking care of him, that I forgot that I mattered. That I am worth it, that I don’t deserve to be treated how I have been. I sent him an email last night, with things that I needed in our marriage. They weren’t accusatory, but rather guidance. So often I hear that “nothing is good enough” for me, so I wanted to be clear that yes, I have needs. I don’t feel they are extensive or irrational needs, they are just needs in our marriage. I needed him to understand, to have it there in plain site.
I beg of you all to pray for us. I need this, I want this. I can’t take hurting anymore, and I don’t want to fall apart.
Counseling: Yes, this is something I need for myself. I recognize I have issues and concerns with him, and with myself, and whether or not he agrees or choose to go, I need this for me. I have found a Catholic MFT which I think is a good option because just so you all know…Divorce, is not an option. I come from a divorced family, and I saw what it was like. Out of anger, a decision was made that would forever affect their lives and out of pride, they could never repair that. 27 years of marriage and something as silly as pride got in the way. Anyways…
As for him being unfaithful, it may seem as though I am in denial or everything else, but I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that he has not, nor will he cheat on me. Drinking, has always, been more important than everything else. This includes sex, or extramarital affairs. It’s important to note that his envy of other people’s wives and lives is that when their husbands drink they don’t get in trouble. Of course, I have offered him the advice that until he has walked a mile in their shoes he should not assume that their lives are what he envies.
I should also note that I’m young, 26 in fact, but feel mature for my age. I partied when I was younger, and personally decided that I didn’t want that life anymore. When I met him, he was still in this stage in his life, with drugs and alcohol. I stood by him for him to get through the drugs and I drew a hard line on the fact that I wasn’t going to be with someone who chose those things. The thing is, when I met him, I didn’t know he was an addict. He lied to me, and love is blind, so I wanted to believe it. Of course, I knew better, and confronted the issue. So many tears, so much heartache and now he has left that life behind. To him, he has already given up so much. He has already changed so much and I should just appreciate that. Truth is, he has, but it doesn’t excuse his actions today. He said yesterday in a email that he is “content with his recovery.” I feel selfish to say that I am not. I feel that yes, he has done an excellent job of recovering from drugs, but alcohol is stepping in. When we are together, and he is home, he is more in control. My friend told me that I am his moral compass, his conscious. Doesn’t mean I nag him or anything but when I’m around, he gets it, or at least most of the time he does.
So that’s why this seems to bother me more. As soon as I am not around, it’s as though he is “free” of me. And that, is hurtful. Would he really rather be alone and do whatever he wants? I want to believe no, but the truth is, I’m not so sure. The other thing is, I’m not the only one who notices. When he drinks excessively friends say he is “out of control.” Just last night at dinner, some of my friends were trying to describe him to someone who had never met him and this is what they used “He is a great guy, when he drinks that’s another story. And, he likes to drink.” I was mortified. This is what he is thought of? This is what people rely on him to be? And then it hit me, that’s who HE relies on HIMSELF to be. The “life” of the party, the guy who can drink more than everyone else. This is his “claim to fame.” So, in my email last night I tried a different approach. Told him that I love the person he is “Charismatic, charming, loving, sweet, funny, and a joy to be around.” I tried to explain that he didn’t need alcohol to be all those things, but that actually, alcohol took away those things.
His thing is he says he’s “social.” But you can be social and not be drunk. Right? I mean you can go to dinner and have a drink and enjoy hanging out with people and not focus on drinking as much as possible. The truth is, if anything, it makes it seem less social. Shouldn’t you be focusing on the people you are with, the conversation you are having, and not downing drinks?
In our short relationship together we have weathered so many storms. From his mom passing away from breast cancer to him losing his job and starting another career. I realize these are a part of life, but within 7 months of a relationship, these things can really change a person. I felt like, we had weathered the worst of it. As soon as I begin to heal, I feel broken again.
Samovila- You sound just like me. The first year has been hard. No one tells you that when you get married. Truth is, I have tried asking him (not telling him) that I am comfortable with 4 drinks, and that everything after that is downhill. The issue with my husband is that limits, anger him. If I say anything like that, he quickly gets angry.
As for children, trust me, I’m not the kind of woman who thinks a baby will make things better. The whole reason I want to go therapy (which I myself am not a fan of) is for the sake of resolving our issues before we ever bring a child into this world.
I am praying. I am praying so hard. A lot of me has lost hope, but I have given up on arguing, and instead just turned to prayer. I don’t know what else to do. I have spent the last few days, limiting my communication with him so that I could focus on me. It sounds selfish, but I have spent so long taking care of him, that I forgot that I mattered. That I am worth it, that I don’t deserve to be treated how I have been. I sent him an email last night, with things that I needed in our marriage. They weren’t accusatory, but rather guidance. So often I hear that “nothing is good enough” for me, so I wanted to be clear that yes, I have needs. I don’t feel they are extensive or irrational needs, they are just needs in our marriage. I needed him to understand, to have it there in plain site.
I beg of you all to pray for us. I need this, I want this. I can’t take hurting anymore, and I don’t want to fall apart.
