Feeling a little low

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Ophelia23

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Hi friends,

This is more of a rant than anything. Today I am feeling a little under attack by the enemy. I know that I have made the right decision to leave my abusive husband. I have absolutely no shred of doubt left about that in my heart. But, I needn’t get into the details of that all over again.

What I am feeling today, though, is a great amount of fear over the annulment process. I believe in the wisdom of our Holy Church. I know that whatever is decided, I ultimately need to honor it. I also understand on a logical level that the thoughts and feelings I am having at this moment are purely speculation, because I am not even in the annulment process yet.

But I am so afraid that I will be denied the annulment. This man manipulated me. He lied to me. He abused me. He hurt me, he used me, he flaunted me for others to look at lustfully. I prayed for my future husband every day since I was a little girl, that he would be faithful and that he remembered to say his prayers. As I got older, my prayers for my future husband shifted to prayers for his purity and devotion. And then I met a man, I married him, and I felt betrayed as if none of my prayers had been answered. There was never a two-way street in our marriage. The change in him happened the day after our wedding, and it shocked me. I didn’t see it coming. I feel like he took so much from me. My purity, my dreams, my hopes. Through his dishonesty I have also now found that he took my money, that my credit has been raked through the mud, that there are accounts and debts I knew nothing about.

What if, after it is all said and done, he has also taken my chances of having a healthy married life?

I try to focus on what I have taken back. I have taken back my dignity. I have taken back my identity. My sense of humor. The ability to protect my kids from his harm. I know I am gaining, gaining, gaining. (Ha… even gaining weight, though I did NOT need that…) But I have this gnawing fear in my tummy, what if I lose this? What if I lose the right to married life?
 
I feel for you I gave up dating because that seemed the only type of guy that was ever interested in me. Can’t say why. I’m an independent person and don’t take BS from anyone so my relationships never lasted long Once they started the manipulation **** they were gone. I’m sure this guy gave some signs to what he was like but you probably didn’t see them. Was he possessive? Manipulators are good for blaming everything on someone else. They are never to blame. I can’t say anything about annuments as I really have little information there. I know it’s a long process and they stipulate a waiting period of 2 years or something after you divorce. Id speak with a priest and see what he says. I’m still trying to accept my lot in life. It’s dialing struggle as we were not made to be alone but it some cases it seems it’s a burden we must bear. I’ve asked God for an answer he doesn’t seem inclined to get back with me. I’ll pray for you that’s about. Best of luck. 🤷
 
There are plenty of good Christian men in this world who would treat their wives like they’re supposed to. Don’t give up. You’ll find one.
How on earth these sort of scum can get themselves married but decent people don’t even have friends is beyond me.
Praying for you, your children, and that your former husband would repent eventually (not to sound as if advising you to return to abuse, but it is unchristian to wish anyone to die in a damned state).
 
Ophelia23 said:
Hi friends,

This is more of a rant than anything. Today I am feeling a little under attack by the enemy. I know that I have made the right decision to leave my abusive husband. I have absolutely no shred of doubt left about that in my heart. But, I needn’t get into the details of that all over again.

What I am feeling today, though, is a great amount of fear over the annulment process. I believe in the wisdom of our Holy Church. I know that whatever is decided, I ultimately need to honor it. I also understand on a logical level that the thoughts and feelings I am having at this moment are purely speculation, because I am not even in the annulment process yet.

But I am so afraid that I will be denied the annulment. This man manipulated me. He lied to me. He abused me. He hurt me, he used me, he flaunted me for others to look at lustfully. I prayed for my future husband every day since I was a little girl, that he would be faithful and that he remembered to say his prayers. As I got older, my prayers for my future husband shifted to prayers for his purity and devotion. And then I met a man, I married him, and I felt betrayed as if none of my prayers had been answered. There was never a two-way street in our marriage. The change in him happened the day after our wedding, and it shocked me. I didn’t see it coming. I feel like he took so much from me. My purity, my dreams, my hopes. Through his dishonesty I have also now found that he took my money, that my credit has been raked through the mud, that there are accounts and debts I knew nothing about.

What if, after it is all said and done, he has also taken my chances of having a healthy married life?

I try to focus on what I have taken back. I have taken back my dignity. I have taken back my identity. My sense of humor. The ability to protect my kids from his harm. I know I am gaining, gaining, gaining. (Ha… even gaining weight, though I did NOT need that…) But I have this gnawing fear in my tummy, what if I lose this? What if I lose the right to married life?
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I’ve been praying for you, so glad to see you here again!
One thing at a time dear one.
Plenty of time to think about who the next person may or may not be.
Just keep reminding yourself that the life you had was NOT what the Lord intended in marriages. That you can be certain of, and you are doing the right thing. The other things will come along in due time. Now is not the time to worry over it. God has it all in His hand.
“All will be well”.
Hugs!❤️
 
Ophelia23 said:
Hi friends,

This is more of a rant than anything. Today I am feeling a little under attack by the enemy. I know that I have made the right decision to leave my abusive husband. I have absolutely no shred of doubt left about that in my heart. But, I needn’t get into the details of that all over again.

What I am feeling today, though, is a great amount of fear over the annulment process. I believe in the wisdom of our Holy Church. I know that whatever is decided, I ultimately need to honor it. I also understand on a logical level that the thoughts and feelings I am having at this moment are purely speculation, because I am not even in the annulment process yet.

But I am so afraid that I will be denied the annulment. This man manipulated me. He lied to me. He abused me. He hurt me, he used me, he flaunted me for others to look at lustfully. I prayed for my future husband every day since I was a little girl, that he would be faithful and that he remembered to say his prayers. As I got older, my prayers for my future husband shifted to prayers for his purity and devotion. And then I met a man, I married him, and I felt betrayed as if none of my prayers had been answered. There was never a two-way street in our marriage. The change in him happened the day after our wedding, and it shocked me. I didn’t see it coming. I feel like he took so much from me. My purity, my dreams, my hopes. Through his dishonesty I have also now found that he took my money, that my credit has been raked through the mud, that there are accounts and debts I knew nothing about.

What if, after it is all said and done, he has also taken my chances of having a healthy married life?

I try to focus on what I have taken back. I have taken back my dignity. I have taken back my identity. My sense of humor. The ability to protect my kids from his harm. I know I am gaining, gaining, gaining. (Ha… even gaining weight, though I did NOT need that…) But I have this gnawing fear in my tummy, what if I lose this? What if I lose the right to married life?
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Hi Ophelia,

All that I can say is that some people can be really good at deceiving others.

You put your trust in them thinking the best of them, and then you get “a knife in the back while getting a knife in your heart” at the same time, figuratively speaking. I know from my own experiences, too.

Think about how far you’ve already come to take your own life back, and to keep your beloved children safe, and just go from there. Think one day at a time, because that’s really all that you can do, although I know that it’s easier said than done.

Will continue to pray for you, too. ((Hugs)) to you and your precious little ones.

May God bless all of you in this difficult time. ❤️
 
Oh, sweet Ophelia :hug3: It makes my heart so sad that this is happening to you. Manipulation is such an evil thing because it is so subtle. The abusers know just how to make their victims think they are loving and good when they are really just in it for themselves. It’s a sick thing and I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

I understand your fear of not getting an annulment. I don’t really have any advice on that, except to pray for the grace to accept the result no matter what it is. Just take things one step at a time and pray for strength and courage. Frequent the sacraments and keep busy doing the work of God. I understand how you feel about him taking everything from you - even the possibility of a healthy, happy marriage. It is betrayal of worst kind, especially when it comes from the person who was supposed to hold you in the highest importance (as Christ does the Church). For what it’s worth, I once knew a woman who left her abusive husband. She talked about how horrible her marriage was, but she also said she would do it all over again just to have her son. You have two beautiful daughters. Maybe when the going gets tough, think of your girls and remember, if nothing else, you have them because of all this. It doesn’t erase or undo all the harm he’s done to you. But it is a beautiful silver lining in a very dark storm cloud.

God bless you.
 
pianistclare said:
I’ve been praying for you, so glad to see you here again!
One thing at a time dear one.
Plenty of time to think about who the next person may or may not be.
Just keep reminding yourself that the life you had was NOT what the Lord intended in marriages. That you can be certain of, and you are doing the right thing. The other things will come along in due time. Now is not the time to worry over it. God has it all in His hand.
“All will be well”.
Hugs!❤️
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This ^^^
 
I’ll pray for you, for sure.

I only had one direct experience involving annulment, ever. A man who had been divorced came to me just to help him out with filling out the papers he got from the diocese. He just couldn’t put things into words effectively, and trying to fill out the papers with him sure proved that. I had no idea what the tribunal cared about or considered relevant to the issues. I just got a good and detailed history from him and put it into words.

I’ll add that he has a wonderful pastor who, I guess, went to bat for him, though I never saw anything his pastor wrote on whatever it is they fill out.

Maybe two months after it was all submitted, he came by to tell me his annulment was granted. He began seeing a widow in the parish. They started attending Mass together. After maybe a year or a year and a half, they both came by to tell me they were getting married, and they did. I was very happy for them, and still am.

I remember years ago when I taught CCD in the parish. One young man attended regularly, but I could tell his father made him come. His attitude was terrible. Then, when I was discussing marriage, he nearly exploded on me. His parents were divorced. He lived with his dad and was very devoted to him. He challenged me on why it was so hard to get an annulment.

You know how sometimes you hear yourself say things you didn’t really think out? Well, I heard myself tell the young man that he had it wrong. The Church isn’t there to make things hard. It was there to make hard things work. Annulment is a process to get a person “off the hook” of a promise made in innocent ignorance of what the person was getting into.

The kid changed almost immediately, and was very attentive thereafter. Maybe a few months after that, his dad started turning up at Mass with a lady I knew who had been protestant, was divorced from a near-criminal, (or perhaps a literal one) but was in the process of joining the Church. Eventually they married, and now have been for years.

So, while it probably isn’t much help for me to say this, I think of the annulment process as one of mercy; of letting one “off a hook” he/she could never get off by himself/herself, or think he/she could. It remains pretty mysterious to me, but it is something about which I have a lot of optimism.
 
Ridgerunner said:
I’ll pray for you, for sure.

So, while it probably isn’t much help for me to say this, I think of the annulment process as one of mercy; of letting one “off a hook” he/she could never get off by himself/herself, or think he/she could. It remains pretty mysterious to me, but it is something about which I have a lot of optimism.
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I agree that it is a process of mercy. A friend of mine was really talking about it so negatively saying things such as, “What business is it of the church? I’m trusting this decision with men who have never even been married? What do they know?”

But the way I see it is, Jesus only spoke about specifics a few times and divorce was one of them. And he flatly says that no man can divorce his wife and remarry. But the Church, in her wisdom, sees that some “marriages” were simply never a valid sacrament and should in fact be annulled. It is an act of mercy.

I just really, really hope it is an act of mercy that I receive. I am fearful of this being my lot. I can be single and happy, I know I can. But it is not what I had dreamed for myself, or for my kids. I want to give of myself, and to receive in return. And maybe that isn’t the point of my life, and maybe I need to come to terms with that. But for now, it is a big void–a big unknown–and it makes me uneasy. I feel good hearing about your optimism. I generally feel optimistic about it myself, but today has just been a harder one I guess. Thank you, friend.
 
pianistclare said:
I’ve been praying for you, so glad to see you here again!
One thing at a time dear one.
Plenty of time to think about who the next person may or may not be.
Just keep reminding yourself that the life you had was NOT what the Lord intended in marriages. That you can be certain of, and you are doing the right thing. The other things will come along in due time. Now is not the time to worry over it. God has it all in His hand.
“All will be well”.
Hugs!❤️
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Pianistclare, I thank you so much for your prayers. I have no doubt that they are effective. God has given me so many amazing things since making the decision to separate. He has given me a full time job, He has given me a new house for a shocking low cost that even I as a church worker can afford, He has given me strength to keep building a solid foundation for my kids in a turbulent time. I know He is at work in my life. Keep the prayers coming. 🙂

You are right when you remind me of what to be certain of. I AM doing the right thing. I just have to let go of the worry. Some days it is easy, and some days it comes especially hard. Today was the latter. Thank you so much for your encouragement. :console:
 
Ophelia23 said:
I just really, really hope it is an act of mercy that I receive. I am fearful of this being my lot. I can be single and happy, I know I can. But it is not what I had dreamed for myself, or for my kids. I want to give of myself, and to receive in return. And maybe that isn’t the point of my life, and maybe I need to come to terms with that. But for now, it is a big void–a big unknown–and it makes me uneasy. I feel good hearing about your optimism. I generally feel optimistic about it myself, but today has just been a harder one I guess. Thank you, friend.
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Ophelia, I am very relieved and happy that you are standing firm in your decision to leave. You are very brave in doing this.

As to the fear of not being able to re-marry. Even if you have a good case for Annulment, I do not think it should be a priority for you to discern another romance or marriage at this point. I’d even say that to someone who was not Catholic, or are freed from an abusive marriage by the death of the spouse and so have no obstacles in the way of re-marriage.

Sadly, many women who leave abusive spouses wind up dating and even marrying partners who are just as bad, or worse, because they have gotten used to the abuse dynamic and cannot see any other way for intimate partners to interact with each other. Some even believe, often subconsciously, that this is all they deserve. Your priority should be to heal and regain a sense of your own self worth as an independent person, not as someone’s wife or girlfriend.

Hopefully your family of origin is stable and modeled good relationships for you. But if not, all the more reason to be cautious. As I have heard many differing accounts from Catholics about the annulment process, I will not say definitely that “the process is healing” but in a case such as yours, the length of the process is probably a good thing, as it will give you some time to figure out who you are.
 
pianistclare said:
I’ve been praying for you, so glad to see you here again!
One thing at a time dear one.
Plenty of time to think about who the next person may or may not be.
Just keep reminding yourself that the life you had was NOT what the Lord intended in marriages. That you can be certain of, and you are doing the right thing. The other things will come along in due time. Now is not the time to worry over it. God has it all in His hand.
“All will be well”.
Hugs!❤️
Click to expand...
Yes!
 
If he’s truly abusive, you made the right decision to leave. But since you have children, from what you’re saying, I assume they’re with him? If so, I guess you technically aren’t really of the valid situation for annulment, since you’ve presumably consummated your marriage.

Whichever, I pray you continue to find joy in your freedom and the spiritual satisfaction you need :gopray2:
 
I have been through the annulment process and I understand your fears as I have been there and done that. I also was scared to think the husband that I had married could leave me (opposite situation) and after the divorce I could be denied an annulment and as you say the hope of a Christ like marriage.

I actually was a “problem child” complaining and whining to others how “stupid” the whole thing was with what in my case required hours of time answering questions, trying to find witnesses etc.

Finally I ran into a priest who called me from the tribunal and said , “Mary why haven’t you submitted your testimony.” I told him my fears and he said please come talk to me. I went to the Tribunal office in my diocese and I did mine verbally with him asking the questions and me responding 1/3 of the time in tears. He recorded the testimony which took a long time and then said

“Did it ever occur to you, that you were in an emotionally abusive marriage?” and I thought to myself no. My X had threated to hammer my head it because I was so stupid but I was so used to his verbal abuse I thought nothing of it.

In my case the annulment process gave me the realization of what I needed to know to avoid being in the same situation again in another marriage. I was at peace that day knowing that whatever the decision was someone recognized what I knew in my heart that my marriage was not what God had in mind.

God knows what he is doing. It can take a long time to get an annulment and await for the decision but I grew to know the Church has a wisdom in this process. My annulment was granted.

I pray for you to use the time you have awaiting the decision to heal yourself, be proud of yourself for busting out of a bad situation, making a good life for your children. You deserve to do so.

I will pray for you my sister in Christ,

May all go well for you, may you heal and may you not worry too much about the decision. It seems like God know what he is doing with this issue as well.

Peace in Christ that transcends al understanding.

Mary.
 
Mystic_Banana said:
If he’s truly abusive, you made the right decision to leave. But since you have children, from what you’re saying, I assume they’re with him? If so, I guess you technically aren’t really of the valid situation for annulment, since you’ve presumably consummated your marriage.
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I think you need to go to the main site, or other Catholic source to educate yourself about annulment.

Although I am sure the OP is aware, there are many grounds upon which annulment can be granted. Non-consummation actually has nothing to do with annulment (though inability to consummate can be). A valid marriage can actually be dissolved by the Pope if it is not consummated, but it is still valid.

I will not go further than this as it is probably not appropriate on what is meant to be more of a “support and advice” than “explain Catholic teaching on annulment” topic.
 
Mystic_Banana said:
If he’s truly abusive, you made the right decision to leave. But since you have children, from what you’re saying, I assume they’re with him? If so, I guess you technically aren’t really of the valid situation for annulment, since you’ve presumably consummated your marriage.

Whichever, I pray you continue to find joy in your freedom and the spiritual satisfaction you need :gopray2:
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No, my children are with me. I did not mean to imply that the kids were with him. I was given full physical custody because he is mentally unstable. They have visitation with him every other weekend. But yes, we certainly did consummate the marriage, although I do know that the process of annulment involves an awful lot more than that one element. Thank you so very much for your prayers!
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Ophelia, I am very relieved and happy that you are standing firm in your decision to leave. You are very brave in doing this.

As to the fear of not being able to re-marry. Even if you have a good case for Annulment, I do not think it should be a priority for you to discern another romance or marriage at this point. I’d even say that to someone who was not Catholic, or are freed from an abusive marriage by the death of the spouse and so have no obstacles in the way of re-marriage.

Sadly, many women who leave abusive spouses wind up dating and even marrying partners who are just as bad, or worse, because they have gotten used to the abuse dynamic and cannot see any other way for intimate partners to interact with each other. Some even believe, often subconsciously, that this is all they deserve. Your priority should be to heal and regain a sense of your own self worth as an independent person, not as someone’s wife or girlfriend.

Hopefully your family of origin is stable and modeled good relationships for you. But if not, all the more reason to be cautious. As I have heard many differing accounts from Catholics about the annulment process, I will not say definitely that “the process is healing” but in a case such as yours, the length of the process is probably a good thing, as it will give you some time to figure out who you are.
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Yes.

One of the virtues of the process is that it slows things down and helps people think.
 
MaryT777 said:
I have been through the annulment process and I understand your fears as I have been there and done that. I also was scared to think the husband that I had married could leave me (opposite situation) and after the divorce I could be denied an annulment and as you say the hope of a Christ like marriage.

I actually was a “problem child” complaining and whining to others how “stupid” the whole thing was with what in my case required hours of time answering questions, trying to find witnesses etc.

Finally I ran into a priest who called me from the tribunal and said , “Mary why haven’t you submitted your testimony.” I told him my fears and he said please come talk to me. I went to the Tribunal office in my diocese and I did mine verbally with him asking the questions and me responding 1/3 of the time in tears. He recorded the testimony which took a long time and then said

“Did it ever occur to you, that you were in an emotionally abusive marriage?” and I thought to myself no. My X had threated to hammer my head it because I was so stupid but I was so used to his verbal abuse I thought nothing of it.

In my case the annulment process gave me the realization of what I needed to know to avoid being in the same situation again in another marriage. I was at peace that day knowing that whatever the decision was someone recognized what I knew in my heart that my marriage was not what God had in mind.

God knows what he is doing. It can take a long time to get an annulment and await for the decision but I grew to know the Church has a wisdom in this process. My annulment was granted.

I pray for you to use the time you have awaiting the decision to heal yourself, be proud of yourself for busting out of a bad situation, making a good life for your children. You deserve to do so.

I will pray for you my sister in Christ,

May all go well for you, may you heal and may you not worry too much about the decision. It seems like God know what he is doing with this issue as well.

Peace in Christ that transcends al understanding.

Mary.
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Mary, thank you so much for sharing this with me. Reading your experience helps me to put my fears at ease. I don’t know why I became so gripped with worry today. It just rises up sometimes and sort of saturates me. Reading all of these responses of support, of encouragement from others who have encountered this, it has really helped put me back into a more grounded spot.

My husband used to threaten me with violence, much like yours. He would grab me by the shirt and pull his fist back as if he were going to punch me, and then want me to thank him for not actually doing it. There was a time where a piece of me wished he would just do it, and then I would have a “valid reason” to leave. But I excused the fact the he had pushed me, that he had grabbed me, that he had knocked me down the stairs, that he would scream in my face–I don’t know why I ever set any of that aside, but I did. I praise God that I woke up to reality before my face got broken. It was the novena to Mary Undoer of Knots that put everything into perspective for me, and gave me the quiet voice inside saying, “go.”

And that leads me to my next thought. I think that since this worry comes into my heart from time to time and grips me rather tightly like it did today, perhaps another novena to our Lady is in order.
 
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