Feeling alone

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MrsATurner

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For those who don’t know me, I am a 20 year old happily married woman who has recently returned to the Catholic Church. I am currently in school and my husband is a CNA. I am a Cradle Catholic and my husband is currently starting the classes to be converted into the faith.

I have been feeling really alone recently. Its not my husband, I love him very much and he is always there for me but I feel like I have no friends. Its not his fault in fact I don’t really think its anyone’s fault. The friends I have live at least an hour away, some have outright stopped being my friends and others who I thought were my close friends barley speak to me even when I talk to them first. Like my two friends I will call them “Sara” and “Jane”

“Sara” and I "have been friends our entire lives. We are 10 months apart (her mom (jokingly) blames me for “Sara” being born because I gave her “baby fever”) Recently for a short time she lived with me and my husband and met my friend “Jane”. “Jane” is my husbands best friends Girlfriend. Well now “Sara” and “Jane” are best friends. I constantly see them posting on facebook about them being “Best friends” and “Sara” coming from out of town to have dinner at “Jane” and her boyfriends home (which happens to be down the street from Hubby and I) without “Sara” even trying to come and see me. I feel hurt more then anything. Not to mention they have both been acting hostile towards me recently. They are both not Christians but Religion has never been a problem between the three of us.

What should I do? I live in a very small community, most of the people at my Parish are older then me by a significant amount and there are not a lot of people to begin with (in 3 services we usually total about 200 people) One of the problems is we are living in a town where my Husband spent his teenage years which is about an hour away from where I went to school. So he has friends but I know no one. I really want to make friends and get to know people but it is very difficult.
 
I had a very difficult time with the change of graduating college and having all those friends to coming home and finding out that people are not so friendly where I am from. They are surface friendly. “Hi, how ya doing?” as they keep on walking. They don’t mean it.

So maybe it is the transition from being single to married. You are putting him first and your friends you had are still single. Maybe you need to sign up for some kind of ministry at church? Something you would enjoy. You may need to try some different ones, then commit yourself to that. You will make friends by serving.

I hope you begin to feel better soon.
 
Is there anyone in school you can feel connected to? Does your school have any Catholic related groups or clubs?

Does your parish or any other parish in the area have any “Young adult programs?” Our parish does and it’s designed for people between the ages of 18 and 30 and several people from different parishes attend.

Branch out and see if you can hang out with anyone you see in class on a regular basis. Have you thought about getting a part-time job or maybe doing some volunteer work?

Have you talked to your girlfriends and asked why there is hostility? Maybe you should make an effort to contact them yourself and see if you can all hang out. If you get the cold shoulder then ask why? If you still get no response then drop them both and move on because their friendship is far more toxic then beneficial.
 
I asked “Jane” if anything was wrong and she said no but she continued to act hostile.

They both have boyfriends and “Jane” is currently living with hers and pregnant. (But I don’t judge her) Hubby and I have been married for two years and the entire time I have been friends with “Jane” I have been with my husband.

My college campus is small and we really do not have any clubs at all. My parish doesn’t have any groups since its so small. Like since my hubby is going through the steps to be converted and I still have to get Confirmed we need to take classes and our church is so small we just have one on one meetings with our Deacon.

One option is to attend Mass about an hour away at my home parish that has a much larger attendance but we carpool to my current church with my Godmother.

There is always the chance of trying to commute a hour to hang out with my other friends from high school but that is an hour. My husband is (hopefully) getting a job down there and we often commute there to do any shopping we have to do.
 
It’s not much help but I know exactly how you feel. I am 22 and I think because of my more reserved lifestyle, I have very, very few friends. I almost never hang out with anyone except my husband and family. 99 percent of the time it doesn’t bother me, but every once in a while it feels a little lonely.
 
HI,

My thoughts on the matter are 1) continue to invite Jane and Sara to hang out with you or maybe just ask them to a girls night out, 2) flat out tell Jane that you feel like you are being excluded and was wondering why (don’t just ask her if everything is okay between you but explain your perceptions on the situation) 3) it might be worth fwhile or you and your husband to explore a couples group or activity that you two can do with other couples. Sign up for a class or something that meets once or twice a month even if it is out of town. That way you can go and to it and it won’t be having to commute everyday but also forces you and your husband to meet new people which will make both of you work to create new friendships.

Hope this helps.
 
I’m 8 years older then you but I moved away from my family and live closer to my Fiance’s family so I can attend school out here.

I also live a very conservative lifestyle that has alienated me from other young people. I spend most of my time with my Fiance and his cousins. I have one best friend I’ve known for most of my life that lives close to me and we hang out a lot…but I’m certainly not the same as I used to be. Up until the age of 24 I was hanging out with lots of different people and going out quite a bit.

Since I’ve settled down and became more conservative and family-oriented I’ve lost many of my friends from when I was in my early 20s. It was mostly my doing because I just didn’t agree with their lifestyles. The only people I travel to see are my sister and my parents, which I try to do on a weekly basis.

You are still very, very young and in school. When you start working or if you and your husband decide to move one day…life may change drastically.
 
Feeling alone is not easy at any age, but I think as you get older, you find that it is a fact of life. It is difficult to be somewhere and not know anyone, or only a few people. When they appear to stub you or act cool toward you, you do feel it more. There is nothing wrong with you, people just change and your friends are feeling the excitement and bonding of a new friendship. It’s unfortunate that people need to exclude others to have a friendship with others, but I would just say to seek out new friends of your own. I know it is hard to imagine, but you will find that a lot of people no longer are in touch with childhood, high school, or college friends. It happens, and you shouldn’t feel too bad when it happens, it is just a part of life.

Having moved 5 times in 25 married years, I have had to start new friendships each time. One thing to remember is to have a friend, be a friend. Don’t wait for someone else to start a conversation, invite you over for coffee, suggest going for a walk or seeing a movie. You be the one that offers. Have a dinner party or at least invite a couple, or singles from school, or your husbands friends over for dinner or brunch. Forget about ages, every age has something to offer. When I was a little older than you, my favorite friend was about 20 years older than me. My future husband and her and her husband had great laughs and dinners with them. If you ask someone and they turn you down, don’t let it get to you. They may have their own things to deal with. Just look for someone else with a smile on your face.

And I will mention that it won’t always be this way. It is a lot easier to meet people once you have children attending school. You have opportunity to meet and to volunteer at school, or just talk as you wait at pick up. I know that doesn’t help you now, but keep it in mind.

And as others have suggested, perhaps you can find something to join at church. I know they are not your age, but as I mentioned earlier, they might welcome someone younger, with energy, new ideas and enthusiasm. 🙂

May God bless you and guide you.
 
MrsATurner said:
For those who don’t know me, I am a 20 year old happily married woman who has recently returned to the Catholic Church. I am currently in school and my husband is a CNA. I am a Cradle Catholic and my husband is currently starting the classes to be converted into the faith.

I have been feeling really alone recently. Its not my husband, I love him very much and he is always there for me but I feel like I have no friends. Its not his fault in fact I don’t really think its anyone’s fault. The friends I have live at least an hour away, some have outright stopped being my friends and others who I thought were my close friends barley speak to me even when I talk to them first. Like my two friends I will call them “Sara” and “Jane”

“Sara” and I "have been friends our entire lives. We are 10 months apart (her mom (jokingly) blames me for “Sara” being born because I gave her “baby fever”) Recently for a short time she lived with me and my husband and met my friend “Jane”. “Jane” is my husbands best friends Girlfriend. Well now “Sara” and “Jane” are best friends. I constantly see them posting on facebook about them being “Best friends” and “Sara” coming from out of town to have dinner at “Jane” and her boyfriends home (which happens to be down the street from Hubby and I) without “Sara” even trying to come and see me. I feel hurt more then anything. Not to mention they have both been acting hostile towards me recently. They are both not Christians but Religion has never been a problem between the three of us.

What should I do? I live in a very small community, most of the people at my Parish are older then me by a significant amount and there are not a lot of people to begin with (in 3 services we usually total about 200 people) One of the problems is we are living in a town where my Husband spent his teenage years which is about an hour away from where I went to school. So he has friends but I know no one. I really want to make friends and get to know people but it is very difficult.
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First off, congrats on ‘coming home.’

‘Irish’ is correct. Even us older folks feel as you do sometimes, and it doesn’t really get easier for a certain personality type.

I might suggest reading ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People.’ Even if it doesn’t change the way you relate to others, I find that reading it always cheers me up.

Good luck.
 
Dear One,

Please don’t rule out becoming friends with some of the older people in your parish. They can bring great joy into your life and make feelings of loneliness melt away. Blessings - Chochy
 
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