Feeling bad about disappointing stepmother

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Allegra

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My daughter usually visits my dad and step-mother every Tuesday, but we went to their house and due to what we saw, my husband and I decided it was in her best interest not to go over this week.

My step-mother has two biological grown children. They both suffer from depression and my step-mother has spent their entire lives working toward the goal of making them completely dependent on her. I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but after her divorce from her first husband, she somehow made “mommy” her only identity and she seems to think that if she does everything for her children and they never have to struggle in any way, they will be happy and stay with her forever. The lengths she goes to “mothering” her adult children would be the stuff of a hilarious sit-com, if it wasn’t reality.

Unfortunately, that isn’t working out for her. My sister (23) has decided to move to Colorado to be with her boyfriend, who was just offered a better job there. She is going completely off the rails.

While we were there yesterday, she wanted to change the baby every 15 minutes, even when I explained that she didn’t need it. At one point, I was telling her “no” and she was ignoring me and trying to tell my husband to hand over the baby. She wouldn’t let my husband heat her bottle in the microwave. She was convinced that it would “break down the milk” and it would be bad for her. I explained that the milk was pasturized cow’s milk, but she still threw a fit and we had to wait for her to go out to smoke in order to warm it up for few seconds. At one point in the evening, she randomly brought out a ratty old sleeper that I suspect used to belong to my sister (the one that’s leaving) and attempted to start changing my daughter into it. (Creepy alert!) I pointed out that her dress was lovely, perfectly clean, and comfortable and that she did not need a new outfit. I had to literally get up and pick my daughter up and remove her from the situation. She then got out the sweets and began stuffing them into the baby’s mouth, sometimes without giving her the chance to swallow what she had. I’m not neurotic about sweets by any means, but I know there’s a limit to the volume of my child’s digestive tract and I was concerned that she was nearing it. Not wanting to clean brownie-puke out of my car, I asked her to stop. She completely ignored me and continued to try and force-feed brownie to my kid.

Anyway, none of this is normal behavior for her. I think she is reacting to the stress of my sister leaving for Colorado and there not being a blessed thing she can do about it. But I still feel bad about telling her that we don’t want her going over there until things calm down. I don’t know how crazy she is libel to get and if she’s going to defy my rules as a parent right to my face, I don’t want to spend the whole day at work worrying about what’s going on with my kid.
 
Allegra said:
My daughter usually visits my dad and step-mother every Tuesday, but we went to their house and due to what we saw, my husband and I decided it was in her best interest not to go over this week.

My step-mother has two biological grown children. They both suffer from depression and my step-mother has spent their entire lives working toward the goal of making them completely dependent on her. I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but after her divorce from her first husband, she somehow made “mommy” her only identity and she seems to think that if she does everything for her children and they never have to struggle in any way, they will be happy and stay with her forever. The lengths she goes to “mothering” her adult children would be the stuff of a hilarious sit-com, if it wasn’t reality.

Unfortunately, that isn’t working out for her. My sister (23) has decided to move to Colorado to be with her boyfriend, who was just offered a better job there. She is going completely off the rails.

While we were there yesterday, she wanted to change the baby every 15 minutes, even when I explained that she didn’t need it. At one point, I was telling her “no” and she was ignoring me and trying to tell my husband to hand over the baby. She wouldn’t let my husband heat her bottle in the microwave. She was convinced that it would “break down the milk” and it would be bad for her. I explained that the milk was pasturized cow’s milk, but she still threw a fit and we had to wait for her to go out to smoke in order to warm it up for few seconds. At one point in the evening, she randomly brought out a ratty old sleeper that I suspect used to belong to my sister (the one that’s leaving) and attempted to start changing my daughter into it. (Creepy alert!) I pointed out that her dress was lovely, perfectly clean, and comfortable and that she did not need a new outfit. I had to literally get up and pick my daughter up and remove her from the situation. She then got out the sweets and began stuffing them into the baby’s mouth, sometimes without giving her the chance to swallow what she had. I’m not neurotic about sweets by any means, but I know there’s a limit to the volume of my child’s digestive tract and I was concerned that she was nearing it. Not wanting to clean brownie-puke out of my car, I asked her to stop. She completely ignored me and continued to try and force-feed brownie to my kid.

Anyway, none of this is normal behavior for her. I think she is reacting to the stress of my sister leaving for Colorado and there not being a blessed thing she can do about it. But I still feel bad about telling her that we don’t want her going over there until things calm down. I don’t know how crazy she is libel to get and if she’s going to defy my rules as a parent right to my face, I don’t want to spend the whole day at work worrying about what’s going on with my kid.
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You sound like you’re only being prudent. Your daughter should not be there alone. The only issue is how to phrase it to your dad and step-mom.

Can you talk to your dad privately? Because it sounds like step-mom is going to need some sort of professional help very soon. “I’m worried about step-mom. She doesn’t seem like herself ever since sis moved,” might be a good non-judgy starter sentence. Maybe say that and then sit back and see what dad says?

Best wishes!
 
She needs therapy alright. She’s about to lose it. Once a person’s identity is dependent on others, and the “others” leave? Not pretty. You did right by getting out of the situation.
I’d encourage dad to get her some help.
 
I really wanted to avoid dumping this on my dad. I already told my step-mother anyway. She’s disappointed and she gave me the “I’m sorry you feel that way,” line. I told her that we didn’t want the baby involved in the drama and she should spend the time with my sister (who is off that day from work). I also explained that she had crossed a boundary and we need some time for everything to calm down, and I invited them to come over for dinner this weekend so they can spend time with the baby, if they want to. Hopefully, she won’t be too upset.
 
Allegra said:
I really wanted to avoid dumping this on my dad. I already told my step-mother anyway. She’s disappointed and she gave me the “I’m sorry you feel that way,” line. I told her that we didn’t want the baby involved in the drama and she should spend the time with my sister (who is off that day from work). I also explained that she had crossed a boundary and we need some time for everything to calm down, and I invited them to come over for dinner this weekend so they can spend time with the baby, if they want to. Hopefully, she won’t be too upset.
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Sounds reasonable. Sometimes people don’t realize they are acting creepy until they get the “look”. Hopefully that’s all it is.
Good luck.
 
pianistclare said:
She needs therapy alright. She’s about to lose it. Once a person’s identity is dependent on others, and the “others” leave? Not pretty. You did right by getting out of the situation.
I’d encourage dad to get her some help.
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She has therapy. She’s all about therepy. She’s been in it her entire life.
 
pianistclare said:
Sounds reasonable. Sometimes people don’t realize they are acting creepy until they get the “look”. Hopefully that’s all it is.
Good luck.
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The “look” doesn’t do it. You have to be extremely frank with my stepmother or she doesn’t get it. She hears what she wants to hear.
 
I actually think my sister moving away would be good for both of them.
 
Wow. I knew a person like that once. She finally left the parish. Was a bother to everyone.
Praying fro a good outcome, but I’m afraid you’ll have to monitor her activities with your child for many years. Hopefully dad can manage her.
 
Here’s a thought.

Your step-mom keeps manufacturing things that she needs to do for your daughter.

How about asking her for specific help even if you don’t really need it? That’s a little messed up, but it might get you through the next year.
 
Xantippe said:
Here’s a thought.

Your step-mom keeps manufacturing things that she needs to do for your daughter.

How about asking her for specific help even if you don’t really need it? That’s a little messed up, but it might get you through the next year.
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I suggested playing with her, helping her to practice walking, reading a story, etc. 🤷 It’s like she gets this compulsive urge to change and feed her.
 
pianistclare said:
Wow. I knew a person like that once. She finally left the parish. Was a bother to everyone.
Praying fro a good outcome, but I’m afraid you’ll have to monitor her activities with your child for many years. Hopefully dad can manage her.
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Yikes! I hope it doesn’t take that long. I’m hoping that after my sister moves, she’ll be able to deal with it and calm down a little. This isn’t normal behavior for her, though she did do similar things with her own kids during her divorce from her previous husband.

That got really bad. I remember being forced to drive all over town to different McDonalds so that she could buy them each a whole set of toys. The employees told her that they got new ones in every truck and they didn’t have them all yet, but she didn’t believe them. (She knows better because she worked at KFC and they’re exactly the same as McDonalds in every way.)

The worst thing was the cough syrup. She was convinced that they were sick and needed the medicine constantly. She gave it to them every morning when they woke up and any time they had a “sore throat”. (Usually, that was their excuse not to eat whatever the rest of the family was having at meal time.) I told my mom about that and she actually confronted my dad about it and she stopped doing it in front of me. I suspect that when I wasn’t around, it was business as usual.

However, that stuff stopped years ago after her divorce was finalized and her crazy inlaws kept inventing reasons why they should have custody of her children and talking her to court. I’m just worried that it could start again under the stress of this situation and she could start funneling cough syrup into MY kid!

My dad’s been pretty much worn down by her over the years and I don’t really want to start a problem between them. I think he would prevent her from actually doing any permenant harm to my daughter, if it came to that, but I just don’t want her around a stressful, neurotic, situation and being the focus of someone else’s compusions.
 
Allegra said:
My daughter usually visits my dad and step-mother every Tuesday, but we went to their house and due to what we saw, my husband and I decided it was in her best interest not to go over this week.

My step-mother has two biological grown children. They both suffer from depression and my step-mother has spent their entire lives working toward the goal of making them completely dependent on her. I know it’s not a nice thing to say, but after her divorce from her first husband, she somehow made “mommy” her only identity and she seems to think that if she does everything for her children and they never have to struggle in any way, they will be happy and stay with her forever. The lengths she goes to “mothering” her adult children would be the stuff of a hilarious sit-com, if it wasn’t reality.

Unfortunately, that isn’t working out for her. My sister (23) has decided to move to Colorado to be with her boyfriend, who was just offered a better job there. She is going completely off the rails.

While we were there yesterday, she wanted to change the baby every 15 minutes, even when I explained that she didn’t need it. At one point, I was telling her “no” and she was ignoring me and trying to tell my husband to hand over the baby. She wouldn’t let my husband heat her bottle in the microwave. She was convinced that it would “break down the milk” and it would be bad for her. I explained that the milk was pasturized cow’s milk, but she still threw a fit and we had to wait for her to go out to smoke in order to warm it up for few seconds. At one point in the evening, she randomly brought out a ratty old sleeper that I suspect used to belong to my sister (the one that’s leaving) and attempted to start changing my daughter into it. (Creepy alert!) I pointed out that her dress was lovely, perfectly clean, and comfortable and that she did not need a new outfit. I had to literally get up and pick my daughter up and remove her from the situation. She then got out the sweets and began stuffing them into the baby’s mouth, sometimes without giving her the chance to swallow what she had. I’m not neurotic about sweets by any means, but I know there’s a limit to the volume of my child’s digestive tract and I was concerned that she was nearing it. Not wanting to clean brownie-puke out of my car, I asked her to stop. She completely ignored me and continued to try and force-feed brownie to my kid.

Anyway, none of this is normal behavior for her. I think she is reacting to the stress of my sister leaving for Colorado and there not being a blessed thing she can do about it. But I still feel bad about telling her that we don’t want her going over there until things calm down. I don’t know how crazy she is libel to get and if she’s going to defy my rules as a parent right to my face, I don’t want to spend the whole day at work worrying about what’s going on with my kid.
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I think a lot of suggestions have been right on. But I will add that you should not leave your child unsupervised with this person until you have figured this out more. A person who is acting this way may have a need to be needed which can lead to actually hurting a child in some cases.
 
This screams of the beginnings Münchausen syndrome by proxy to me.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I think a lot of suggestions have been right on. But I will add that you should not leave your child unsupervised with this person until you have figured this out more. A person who is acting this way may have a need to be needed which can lead to actually hurting a child in some cases.
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Yes. Absolutely. I know you don’t want to “panic” but it’s borderline abusive, IMHO. The last poster mentioned Munchausen by proxy syndrome…I was thinking the same.
Poor woman needs therapy.
Take care. I hope we don’t cause you pain, but really, many of us are very concerned.
 
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