Feeling betrayed by my DH

[TamM]

I think it was Fr. Corapi who said it was armour, but I’m not sure. Thank you for your advice and prayers, I appreciate it very much. I’m still learning the rosary, but I know the Hail Mary off by heart, and I pray it (and other prayers) on my morning walk (and whenever else I can).

 

[TamM]

And I’ve set up parental controls…put a pic of us together up as screen saver, and set up a little slideshow on the side of the desktop of family pictures.

 

[GreyRabbit]

And I’ve set up parental controls…put a pic of us together up as screen saver, and set up a little slideshow on the side of the desktop of family pictures.

I admit, I lol’ed. But it’s definitely a good idea :yup:

 

[flyingfish]

oh yeah, flyingfish, I won’t ever accept porn as okay, and could not change my reaction to it even when I was secular by most standards I never felt it was okay…I wasn’t religous by a long shot when my first husband was around and I still didn’t approve of it then. Thanks for putting your 2 cents in thou.

I’m not saying you have to accept is as okay, I’m just saying you should try to change how you react to it. You probably don’t think downloading music is okay either, but if your husband did that your reaction wouldn’t be as intense.

I am guessing your reaction is so intense because you feel unattractive in comparison to the porn stars? His looking at them makes you feel insecure?

So work on your self esteem, do things that would make you feel more confident. Even if you don’t look at porn yourself, you still likely watch movies that have men far more attractive/in shape than your husband. Do those men make you love your husband less? That’s likely how he feels about porn.

You don’t have to think porn is okay in order to change your attitude toward it so that your husband’s behavior doesn’t impact you so negatively to the extent that you don’t want to be intimate with him.

 

[GeorgiaPeach]

From my own experience, you cannot control your husband. He will change only if he wants to change. He isn’t a child and probably won’t take kindly to parental controls. It will most likely backfire since he isn’t on the same page with you with regards to porn. I’m willing to bet he knows the Church’s stance on porn as well as yours. I hate to say it, but the more you harp on the issue, the less he will listen.

Secondly, he shouldn’t minimize your feelings. Feelings are what they are, he should accept them. If he continues to look at porn knowing how you feel there are other issues in the marriage that need to be explored.

What would I do? Prayers, prayers and more prayers. Ultimately he isn’t betraying you, but God. You need to find it within yourself to forgive him and pray that God’s will be done. Feelings of anger and resentment only pull YOU further from God.

 

[davetv]

Man’s perspective…

I think to a certain extent you will have to accept the fact that your husband will sin again. Following Jesus doesn’t magically take away the draw to a sin that probably started when he was in high school. Obviously Jesus helps but even those that try really hard fall at times.

Here are some things that help…

1. Guys who have this habit get horny. Give your husband the gift to let you know when he is feeling the itch, without you judging him. There has been more than a few times I openly admit to my wife that I am feeling the need. This doesn’t mean you drop everything to fulfill his desires but, often allowing him to admit it helps diffuse the temptation. It also alerts you to the fact that he could use some extra prayers.
2. A relationship with Jesus. Ask him to pray every day. Tell him that as the husband you want him to be the spiritual leader of the household. Just as you expect him to lead the family in practical matters you need him to lead in spiritual ones as well.
3. Confession. Don’t expect him to confess his sins to you. This would do more damage than good. Do expect him to go to confession to a priest regularly. In fact bring the whole family once a month.
4. Forgive, forget and make love. Sex is one of the main ways a husband shows his wife love. Too often the wife shuts him down and makes being sexual with him a bother. Unfortunately when the wife shuts the door to love the devil shows us the door to lust. Obviously this is not always practical (we understand cycles and such) but, when in doubt defer to making whoopee.

Finally your husband knows his actions aren’t right (that’s why he was hiding it) try and be loving, forgiving but clear what you expect.

Stay away from what you DON’T want him doing, and focus on what you DO want him doing.

Accentuate to positive reasons you married him and draw those out of him.

God Bless you, your husband and your family.

 

[LongingForLight]

If he isn’t understanding why this matters to you, you might try picking up a copy of Christopher West’s “The Good News About Sex and Marraige”. A friend and her DH recently came near divorce, w/ a severe porn issue being the crux of the issues. This book really helped them understand (BOTH of them) why this issue was so important. Even if your DH won’t read it, you should. I’m guessing you’ll find it much easier to put your feelings into words after reading this. It’s based on Pope John Paul II’s writings, the Theology of the Body. It’s very easy to read.

 

[Mamanurse]

Work on your own reaction to this. You can’t control what your husband may or may not do in the future, but you can learn to work on how you react to porn. If you stop seeing him viewing porn as a big deal, then it won’t affect you.

Oh flyingfish, you make me laugh! I have read several posts from you and have noticed that you would rather just give in to the sin and wordly pleasures than accept what the catholic church teaches on these matters…its really quite sad.

To the OP, I too have had issues with my DH viewing porn in the past…its really difficult to accept and it does hurt very much. It was almost a deal breaker for us. I have put out a couple of posts on this same issue too and the best advice I can give you is to speak with your priest and pray! I found that praying the Rosary and seeking intercesion from Mary and Joseph I find peace for myself. I still pray daily for my Dh, hoping that he is remaining strong and will someday come to see the destruction of porn in marriage. (not that he is still viewing, but I know he still doesn’t understand.) Good luck, I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[flyingfish]

Oh flyingfish, you make me laugh! I have read several posts from you and have noticed that you would rather just give in to the sin and wordly pleasures than accept what the catholic church teaches on these matters…its really quite sad.

You misunderstand me. I’m not saying she should give in to sin. She is not the one watching porn, her husband is. She cannot control whether or not her husband gives in to sin. I’m saying that the practical reaction geared toward reducing her pain would be to work to change her own perspective so that she is not hurt by his behavior. That’s the only thing she’s in control of. If raising her self esteem would help her, that’s what she should work on. If learning not to assume that her husband prefers the porn women to her would help her, that’s what she should work on.

I don’t really see the point of telling her how porn is a sin and so on, when she’s not the one with the problem. Her husband is. Whether or not she accepts Catholic teaching will not change what he does.

 

[JBCatholicRN]

May I suggest Blue Coat K9 Web Protection? Sexual images pop up all the time on the internet and pop up blockers do a poor job of protecting us. One image puts the seed in our mind and off to the races so to speak.
Sexual images are so very addicting. Ask him to spend time on Catholic Answers or other Catholic websites vs news sites or social networking sites which promote sexual promiscuity. Prayers will be with you.

 

[TamM]

I’m not saying you have to accept is as okay, I’m just saying you should try to change how you react to it. You probably don’t think downloading music is okay either, but if your husband did that your reaction wouldn’t be as intense.
I don’t think I can change my reaction to my husband looking at other women with lust in his heart and masturbating. It’s a lot different from downloading tunes.
I am guessing your reaction is so intense because you feel unattractive in comparison to the porn stars? His looking at them makes you feel insecure?

I know I’m attractive. What makes me insecure is that these girls are barely adults (but they are adults, no worries there) and are unrealistic. They are airbrushed, and plastic surgeried up to the max. No one is born with boobs like what he was looking at!

So work on your self esteem, do things that would make you feel more confident. Even if you don’t look at porn yourself, you still likely watch movies that have men far more attractive/in shape than your husband. Do those men make you love your husband less? That’s likely how he feels about porn.
I get that it doesn’t make him love me less, thank you for the analogy.

You don’t have to think porn is okay in order to change your attitude toward it so that your husband’s behavior doesn’t impact you so negatively to the extent that you don’t want to be intimate with him.

I don’t want to be intimate with him after he just lustfully gazed at other women, made up of unrealistic proportions. This feeling won’t last forever, but when someone breaks my heart, the last thing I want to do is jump into bed with them. I understand your point though, I can only control myself. It’s all in the Serenity Prayer.

From my own experience, you cannot control your husband. He will change only if he wants to change. He isn’t a child and probably won’t take kindly to parental controls. It will most likely backfire since he isn’t on the same page with you with regards to porn. I’m willing to bet he knows the Church’s stance on porn as well as yours. I hate to say it, but the more you harp on the issue, the less he will listen.

Well, the parental controls are on the main computer, the one he used, which is in the living room. The kids have access to it, so I should have had parental controls on it anyway. Please remember I came home from church with our three kids to discover this, they weren’t in the room and didn’t see anything, but only by pure chance. My mom lives here too…I would have been absolutely mortified if she had been the one to find it, or had even been in the room! I’m trying not to harp on it. I’m still hurting though.
Secondly, he shouldn’t minimize your feelings. Feelings are what they are, he should accept them. If he continues to look at porn knowing how you feel there are other issues in the marriage that need to be explored.
Only time will tell if he does it again. This is a new behavior for him,because he’s afraid of another pregnancy.

What would I do? Prayers, prayers and more prayers. Ultimately he isn’t betraying you, but God. You need to find it within yourself to forgive him and pray that God’s will be done. Feelings of anger and resentment only pull YOU further from God.

Good point, I don’t want this to damage my relationship with God! You can be sure I’m praying, for him, for me, for us.

 

[flyingfish]

I don’t want to be intimate with him after he just lustfully gazed at other women, made up of unrealistic proportions. This feeling won’t last forever, but when someone breaks my heart, the last thing I want to do is jump into bed with them. I understand your point though, I can only control myself. It’s all in the Serenity Prayer.

Talk to your husband about why he looks at porn. I’ve talked to men before about it, and the response I’ve gotten is that it’s something they use to aid in masturbation to get the blood flowing. That’s probably why your husband doesn’t see it as a big deal.

You’re thinking that here he is, looking at airbrushed 18 year olds who had plastic surgery, and thinking about how much more attractive they are than you, that later when he has sex with you he compares you unfavorably to them and are getting anxious. While he might be thinking that he wants to orgasm, and chooses to look at some sex scenes to make his body work. Then he forgets about it and everything he saw and you worry.

 

[TamM]

Thank you Davetv and you too Longing, for your suggestions. MamaNurse, prayers for you too! The devil has some tricky tools under his belt doesn’t he. Thanks for the tip JBCatholicRN, but I have awesome protection from my internet provider

 

[JBCatholicRN]

Talk to your husband about why he looks at porn. I’ve talked to men before about it, and the response I’ve gotten is that it’s something they use to aid in masturbation to get the blood flowing. That’s probably why your husband doesn’t see it as a big deal.

You’re thinking that here he is, looking at airbrushed 18 year olds who had plastic surgery, and thinking about how much more attractive they are than you, that later when he has sex with you he compares you unfavorably to them and are getting anxious. While he might be thinking that he wants to orgasm, and chooses to look at some sex scenes to make his body work. Then he forgets about it and everything he saw and you worry.

I dont understand why your playing down pornography? It ruins so many marriages and lives and is so very addicting.

 

[flyingfish]

I dont understand why your playing down pornography? It ruins so many marriages and lives and is so very addicting.

It might ruin many marriages, but many other marriages succeed in spite of it. In my opinion the difference is in the attitude of people to porn, and reaction to a spouse who watches porn.

The most practical way for the OP to deal with her husband’s porn use is to think of a way to change her attitude towards it so that it’s not as strong and she doesn’t perceive the situation as dire.

I’m not saying she should approve of it, but if she can find a way not to fall apart because of it either it’ll be easier on her and her marriage. If she thinks that porn is the end of the world, it will be.

What’s the alternative? Collapse on the floor in tears and rip out her hair? She can’t do anything. The husband is the one watching porn. She can’t control what he does.

 

[TamM]

What’s the alternative? Collapse on the floor in tears and rip out her hair? She can’t do anything. The husband is the one watching porn. She can’t control what he does.

Actually, one other alternative is what I did with my first husband, who was so addicted to porn and abusive that he left very dirty magazines all over the house, including the kitchen counter.
What I did then was take our child and leave, and in the end the judge didn’t even give him access to our child.

My mother once told me pornography was greek for devil’s pictures, and I believe her. If he were just masturbating, that would be different. Flyingfish, porn is a form of cheating. There are many forms of betrayal, such as having an emotional affair with another person. While this isn’t emotional, it’s lustful, it’s still a form of an affair, and an assault on our marriage. And like I said before, I would be upset even if I wasn’t part of the church. I was the farthest thing from religious during my first marriage.

 

[flyingfish]

Actually, one other alternative is what I did with my first husband, who was **so addicted to porn and abusive **that he left very dirty magazines all over the house, including the kitchen counter.
What I did then was take our child and leave, and in the end the judge didn’t even give him access to our child.

That’s certainly an option, and you’re the only one who can decide if it’s in the best interests of you and your children.

It’s your life, and you know what’s best for you. I was just trying to make suggestions for how you can feel better in your current situations.

 

[NewsTheMan]

She can’t control him no, but he must control himself. If he can’t (and I mean this in no way disrespectfully) she needs to tell him what the consequences are. Direct him to the resources and he should stop. If not, there is something more serious going on. Masterbation and porn is always a joke in this new age (watch a series of FRIENDS and Joey and Chandler always talk about it, Monica even buys Chandler (her husband) Porn for his birthday) but it actually isn’t a joke at all.

When I found out about the harmful effects that it has on my spirit, I stopped.

There is a reason that porn and masterbation is a ‘hidden’ secretive thing. You are ashamed. And you should be.

Take a purely denotative look at what is happening, and you tell me this is not a form of cheating (or if you are single, sexual immorality):

A man (or woman) is watching another couple (and with porn now, who knows how many others) have sex with each other purely for you to satisfy your sexual lust. Now… That couple is doing that sex act not out of love, so thats a first strike. Second strike is that well nobody should be watching it if they were doing it out of love. Third strike is nobody should try get their sexual pleasure from watching others have sex.

That is ALL besides the evils of the Porn industry, the effects it has on other areas of your life. etc.

Jason Evert uses a nice example about sex before marriage. If its just a natural and wonderful thing, why would you hide it and keep it a secret from her parents. (something like that; because in marriage it is obvious you are having sex). And this brings up the broader theme of love. If its an expression of love why hide it. Same applies to porn. Why hide it?

Because it is the OPPOSITE of love. It is not natural. Just because the porn industry made sex a commodity to sell doesn’t intrinsically make it just that. Go back a few hundred years and people would tell you you’re crazy if you tried looking at them having sex while you pleasure yourself. It’s disgusting.

And whats even more disgusting is that when you are married this shouldnt even be an issue.Yes, secular couples survive with it. But do you want to be a secular couple? Do you want to merely survive? No. You want to be happy. And you can argue for extreme cases like oh I’m not sexually attracted to my wife anymore and porn helps me release. Well… is that love? If your wife slept with another man and said oh well it helps me release what would you say?

What is interesting to me, too, as a media studies student is how porn as a medium is translated and transmitted and how this in effect wipes out the immediate shame involved. What I mean is that… you look at porn on a video, and because you aren’t ACTUALLY in that room and because its a “video” you kind of think well this is okay really… Consider if you were in that room. Because all that seperates you and that room where the act happened is time and space, nothing else. As a man, as a husband, as a son, would you walk into a porn room and start masterbating? Doubt it. Don’t be fooled by the illusion of the TV/screen/magazine.

Porn takes a sacred, blessed, holy thing and defiles it. It chews it up and spits out a disgusting, sinful, dirty, selfish thing and society calls it normal.

It isn’t normal. And I have a feeling those secular couples that are “okay” with it aren’t really all that ‘okay’ with it.

 

[JBCatholicRN]

As stated previous, pornography is cheating as is masturbation. Both the Catechism and Scripture warn of the evil they bring. I know of couples of watch pornography together. Those couples do not come before the alter of Christ nor do they have a close relationship with each other. Pornography and masturbation have no place in life.

 

[MtnDwellar]

As stated previous, pornography is cheating as is masturbation. Both the Catechism and Scripture warn of the evil they bring.

Pornography and masturbation are definitely sinful. I believe that the sin is different for a single person than for a married person. Masturbation does not meet the requirement for fornication.

2353 Fornication is carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman.

It does meet the requirements for adultery.

2380 Adultery refers to marital infidelity. When two partners, of whom at least one is married to another party, have sexual relations - even transient ones - they commit adultery. Christ condemns even adultery of mere desire. The sixth commandment and the New Testament forbid adultery absolutely. The prophets denounce the gravity of adultery; they see it as an image of the sin of idolatry.

2381 Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.