Feeling called to Catholicism- but have marriage and family questions

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StAndrew

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Hello- this is my first post. I grew up Lutheran and became a Protestant evangelical in my teens and 20s.

I am now in my late 20s and feeling called to the Catholic Church (a big surprise for me).
I am married and have a first child on the way. My wife and I married as Christians and intend to raise our children christian.

I have a couple of issues in my life that I thought I would put forward to try and get a catholic perspective on.

I struggle with anxiety and have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.
In high school I was a fundamentalist christian. I fell in love with a girl who I helped convert and we dated for a year. After a year I got intense anxiety about the relationship. Because of some theology I had embraced I believed that the intense fear guilt and anxiety was directly gods voice forcing me to dump my girlfriend against my wishes. After a month of trying to “fight god” I broke up with my girlfriend.

This led to an ingrained toxic view of god as the voice of anxiety in me that was always present. A couple of years later I took a liking to a new girl and the anxiety immediately came back.

I knew I couldn’t do it on my own anymore so I sought christian counseling and opened up to friends and family about my serious spiritual anxiety. Through the counseling and help of mentors I came to have a successful relationship and marry my wife rather then breakup out of fear.

5 years into marriage the anxiety comes back strong every once in awhile. It comes back with this extreme fear that god is not for my marriage and that the anxiety won’t go away until I do his will and divorce my wife. Now biblically I believe that is the opposite of god. But the emotionally anxiety is so strong that I rarely feel safe praying.

I fear that if I draw close to god he will force me to divorce my wife which is not what I want especially with a baby on the way.

I would appreciate any catholic perspectives on this.
After the pain of fundamentalism I became involved with more new age forms of spirituality but have since become drawn to Catholicism.
 
I should that these anxieties have caused me to have doubts about my marriage. Even some anxiety on my wedding day. I want to be the best husband possible to my wife and have the best marriage possible with my wife and have god be on our side. It just never feels that is possible.
 
The Catholic Church believes that all marriages are sacred and that a valid marriage is for life, unbreakable, come what may. We believe God wants us to do everything in our power to not only make our marriages work, but to help our family and our spouse thrive. We believe it’s part of the obligations of marriage to love and sacrifice for our spouses and to help them get to heaven.

So, if you and/or your wife were to convert you’d be in a Church that would do all in it’s power to help you keep your marriage and family together.

I suggest speaking to your local priest about these anxieties and fears. Perhaps he could help reassure you and get you on the path to conversion if that is what you wish.

ETA: Are you currently in therapy for the anxiety and are you on medication? If not, that may help. There are many qualified Catholic therapists and doctors. Perhaps look into finding one in your area?
 
My husband suffers with anxiety although his is expressed through travel such as bridges & motorways so I understand a little. I know how irrationally my husband thinks when he is having an “episode”. Are you still receiving treatment?

It must be difficult thinking God is against your marriage! The above poster is correct in God sees all marriages as sacred and the Catholic Church would do all it can to help you feel secure in your marriage. As you are considering Catholicism it might be worth talking to a priest.

Definitely see a counsellor, since your fear involves God, it may be worth seeing a spiritual counsellor too. This will help you to distinguish between what God is truly saying and what your anxiety makes you think he is saying.
 
The human brain contains a part, located in the left brain, which is known very informally as “the interpreter”. This part of your brain tries to make sense of the world around you, and of your emotions. However, it has been shown through experiments that when the interpreter does not have sufficient information available to explain something, it sometimes resorts to absurd explanations.

Your interpreter is not aware directly aware of the chemical imbalance in your brain which is the real cause of the generalized anxiety disorder, so in your case it resorts to identifying the person you spend most time with as the cause of the feeling. It even rationalizes the feeling as an attempt from God to communicate with you.

I’m just saying this to let you know that the brain tends to come to false conclusions, especially when trying to explain what’s going on inside itself. Get medication or therapy, and do everything to resist the temptation of divorcing your wife. That would be the opposite of God’s will.
 
That must be difficult! I’m sorry you are struggling with this.

I agree with MJJean. As difficult as it is, really try to pray during those times doubt hits you. Even if all you can manage to say is, “Please, God,” or something similar. And ask others to pray for you, too.

God doesn’t tell us to divorce, nor even which particular person to marry. He tells us how to go about being a good spouse. Our intense feelings sometimes lead us to question ourselves and our relationships, partly because, at the time, it’s hard to remember any other feeling; everything else gets kind of “blocked out” and it feels like this will never pass, and that things have always been this way (just at a less-intense level). Therefore, it might help to keep a journal of the good experiences, things you love about your wife, and things you are thankful for, and refer back to it during times of struggle. It may help remind you that this anxiety is not always present, that emotions (even intense ones) are not a reliable gauge of success or failure, and (perhaps most of all) that the feelings will pass.

You mentioned that you were into “new age” stuff at one time. One thing I’ve noticed in friends who have gotten into “new age” practices is that many of them begin to (if they didn’t already) believe there is just one “soul mate” for each person on earth… and we’re not “supposed” to marry anyone else. One friend said something like, “No one else could make me happy for the rest of my life. He’s the other half of my soul.” It sounds all romantic and special and “happily-ever-after” when things are going well… but there is this awful underlying idea that if you have any long-term struggles, anxiety, or unhappiness in your marriage, that you must have married the “wrong” person. It’s a completely false, screwed-up way of looking at marriage, love, and happiness. I don’t know whether you have this wrong perspective or if it tempts you during those times of struggle, but if so, the Catholic Church’s teachings and documents can help you to see marriage with the correct perspective, and that might help you to alleviate some anxiety, as well.

Having some anxiety, doubts, worries, and/or struggles is completely normal in any marriage (or for that matter, in life!), but if you feel that it’s abnormal or extreme–and especially if it strikes you suddenly, without rhyme or reason–you would probably benefit from more therapy or other treatment. It sounds like, given your past, that this may be the case.

I will pray for you. :gopray2:
 
StAndrew said:
I fear that if I draw close to god he will force me to divorce my wife which is not what I want especially with a baby on the way.
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What does your wife think of converting, would she consider doing it with you, of raising your child Catholic, etc?

As a married person you need to involve your spouse in the journey.
 
OP, while I agree with what the previous poster (without) said about including your spouse in your journey, it should be noted that if you do come into the Catholic Church, the Church is still going to encourage you in your marriage, even if your wife doesn’t have any interest in converting. It’s not necessary to divorce your wife in order to grow closer to God. Just wanted that to be clear. 😉

Still praying for you! :gopray2:
 
Thank you all for your kind replies.

Thank you truth_faith for your observation about it being hard to feel god is against my marriage! It is very hard!

To give a bit more info. I do take generic antidepressant meds and have seen two counselors now both until I made it through particularly tough times and made progress.

I overall believe that god is for my marriage- intellectually at least. I find the teaching you all have presented to be quite compassionate and comforting -thank you!

I do wonder this though: after reading on annulments I heard one catholic counselor on YouTube explain that if you are not psychologically whole or lack the proper amount of consent on your wedding say- then god withholds the grace of sacramentalizing the union. This struck an anxious chord and I wonder what you all think about people who had nerves on their wedding day? I desperately want my marriage to be valid- but what if god refused to validate it because of something wrong with me?

This of course is the thought process of an anxious person- I guess I am trying to get an idea of how much god is for my marriage or if he could have withheld validating grace.

In regards to my wife and I converting I am not sure. She knows I am taking an interest I just don’t want to push to fast. Besides I have many questions myself like the ones above and on irrelevant topics like Mary’s perpetual virginity and transsubstantiation amongst others.

Again thank you all for your kind replies- hearing that god desires good for my marriage brings great comfort- even if fleeting.
 
Also- I just read the thread on front page “what if wife never loved me?”

I fear deeply that I am like that wife- I had doubts and fears about our relationship but also had great times- unlike her I did not purposefully lie while I said my vows- but I did feel scared that god would not accept my vows or destroy our marriage.

Thanks be to god that I have ode friends and mentors who helped me through the beginning and help me still today… But could those mentors have forced to marry in validly?

Maybe my question more concise is this- even if motives were not solidly pure and without blemish on wedding day - would god want the marriage to end or would he want to redeem those motives and build the marriage into a sacred one?
 
And yes catholic raven- the soul mate issue is a huge one for me. The idea that fate will prevail and destroy my marriage since it’s not perfect. Again intellectually I don’t believe this but emotionally it’s hard not to
 
StAndrew said:
Also- I just read the thread on front page “what if wife never loved me?”

I fear deeply that I am like that wife- I had doubts and fears about our relationship but also had great times- unlike her I did not purposefully lie while I said my vows- but I did feel scared that god would not accept my vows or destroy our marriage.

Thanks be to god that I have ode friends and mentors who helped me through the beginning and help me still today… But could those mentors have forced to marry in validly?

Maybe my question more concise is this- even if motives were not solidly pure and without blemish on wedding day - would god want the marriage to end or would he want to redeem those motives and build the marriage into a sacred one?
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The Church doesn’t require romantic love for a valid marriage. The Church requires that both parties enter into marriage with a full understanding of what marriage is (for the whole life, for the procreation and rearing of children, for the good of the spouses), that they freely consent to marriage, that they are capable of consent (as in each party understands what they are doing and are capable of carrying out the duties and obligations of marriage), and that they do not have any impediments ( too closely related, previous marital bond, that kind of thing).

From what you have written I would think your marriage is perfectly valid. If you have anxiety about the validity of your marriage you could always renew your vows to ease your mind.

Of course God would want married people who may have married with imperfect intentions to remain faithful to their vows if at all possible! Remember, God and the Church respect marriage.
StAndrew said:
And yes catholic raven- the soul mate issue is a huge one for me. The idea that fate will prevail and destroy my marriage since it’s not perfect. Again intellectually I don’t believe this but emotionally it’s hard not to
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No marriage is perfect. Not a one. Because people aren’t perfect and it’s people who are married. 😃

I personally don’t buy the whole soulmate idea. Not even emotionally. That idea is a crafty little sneak that can destroy marriages. The second someone buys into the soulmate idea they start to doubt their marital commitment the minute they hit a rough patch. When we marry we make a religious, social, and legal contract. Nowhere in there is there a mention of soulmates. There is, however, a mention of “until death do you part” and “through good times and bad times”. Meaning, even if soulmates did exist, we’d still be bound by the vows we made before God to stay married providing there isn’t a grave reason (abuse, addiction, etc.) to civilly divorce. And even then we are still bound by our vows to live a celibate life unless the marriage is proven to have been invalid by a Tribunal.
 
Thank you MJJean-

I knew what I was committing to and was glad to do it but I also had fears.

It is good to hear someone say that even if marriage was invalid, god would desire to help us validate it and live into our vows.

I desire very deeply to have a stable marriage for my future children- one on the way!

I should also mention my wife has no issues like this- in many ways she is a role model.
 
StAndrew said:
Thank you MJJean-

I knew what I was committing to and was glad to do it but I also had fears.

It is good to hear someone say that even if marriage was invalid, god would desire to help us validate it and live into our vows.

I desire very deeply to have a stable marriage for my future children- one on the way!

I should also mention my wife has no issues like this- in many ways she is a role model.
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Of course you had fears! I think anyone marrying who didn’t feel a bit afraid and who didn’t have at least some doubts is crazy. We’re talking a lifetime commitment here. Definitely not something to be taken lightly. Just like buying a house, ya know? It’s a big deal. Some fear and anxiety is normal.

I had a bad first “marriage” that was invalid from the start for many reasons. We didn’t intend to be married for life. We didn’t intend fidelity and neither stopped dating. Abuse, addiction, etc. Heck, we didn’t even pretend to like each other, much less love each other. We married because we were having casual sex and I got pregnant, so we “did the right thing”. Strangely, I wasn’t fearful or anxious. After all, why would I be? It wasn’t like I was making a real commitment. I am awaiting annulment so we can have our marriage convalidated in the Church.

I am currently married to an absolutely wonderful man. He and I love each other deeply and are very compatible. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Yet, when we married civilly 12 years ago with the intention to be married for life and everything else the Church requires for a valid marriage, we were both nervous and felt some anxiety. Seeing as we were about to make a huge lifetime commitment I’d say that those feelings were entirely appropriate.

Sometimes I worry about our marriage. We don’t have a valid marriage in the Church both because DH was catholic who did not marry according to the rules of the Church and because I had been previously “married” with no annulment. I wonder how God views our marriage. One one hand, it’s invalid other than civilly and in our hearts. On the other hand, God knows my previous “marriage” was never valid and that DH and I entered into our civil marriage with the proper intentions, freely consented, and had the understanding of and ability to carry out the duties and obligations of marriage as taught by the Church. Until my annulment is finalized and we convalidate I pray for my marriage and trust in God.

Marriage is sometimes hard. In a world where people lack respect for marriage and where divorce is so common I think it’s normal to worry and that when we’re worried we can channel that energy into doing something that is good for our marital relationship. Do something different, go on a date, make a special meal or give a surprise massage, simply make time without electronic devices and other interruptions to just sit and talk to each other…that kind of thing. It helps. The worries go away and the relationship is all the better for it.
 
Thank you MJ for your kind and compassionate words and for sharing a bit of your story.

I have been trying to start praying traditional catholic prayers to help alleviate my marital anxiety and my fear that god is against me and my marriage. It can be hard to pray to god when I struggle to trust him.Are there any recomended prayers that would be relevant?

I even mouthed a prayer for intercession to a saint for the first time- which was a big step for me
 
StAndrew said:
Thank you MJ for your kind and compassionate words and for sharing a bit of your story.

I have been trying to start praying traditional catholic prayers to help alleviate my marital anxiety and my fear that god is against me and my marriage. It can be hard to pray to god when I struggle to trust him.Are there any recomended prayers that would be relevant?

I even mouthed a prayer for intercession to a saint for the first time- which was a big step for me
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You are very welcome! Congratulations on your first prayers for intercession! That’s a hug step. I particularly like St Monica for marital prayers. If you read her story you’ll see she is very qualified in matters of marriage and family!

I personally pray for the help of the Holy Spirit, that the Spirit come into our hearts and offer us the wisdom, understanding, and fortitude we need to continue having a successful marriage or to help us get over a rough patch. The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are: wisdom, understanding, knowledge, counsel, fortitude, piety and fear of the Lord. So, that’s where I turn for the most part.

I bought a prayer card a few weeks ago that I love.

O, Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul…I adore you.
Enlighten me, guide me, strengthen me, console me.
Tell me what I should do…give me Your orders.
I promise to submit myself to all that You desire of me and to accept all that You permit to happen to me.
Let me only know your will.

I find that prayer very comforting and very freeing. A “let go and let God” thing.

You can Google locations of catholic stores near you. When you have the time, head over and spend a while looking over the prayer cards. You may find a few you are drawn to. That’s how I found my Holy Spirit card. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, but I found exactly what I needed.
 
StAndrew, had it ever occurred to you that when that unpleasant “little voice” insists that God is against your marriage that it is coming from another source?

It sure sounds like something Satan would whisper to cause you to sin. When those thoughts happen, pray. Ask St. Michael to help and defend you.

Temptation can come in mundane ordinary packages – we’re much less likely to realize what’s happening when it does.
 
Magdalen2013 said:
StAndrew, had it ever occurred to you that when that unpleasant “little voice” insists that God is against your marriage that it is coming from another source?

It sure sounds like something Satan would whisper to cause you to sin. When those thoughts happen, pray. Ask St. Michael to help and defend you.

Temptation can come in mundane ordinary packages – we’re much less likely to realize what’s happening when it does.
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This. THIS.

When I was in college, I was not at all serious about my faith. I attended Mass, but that was about it.

A few years in, I started to feel the pull to get more serious and learn more about it. Started spiritual direction, began attending Adoration, but always held myself back somewhat because I was terrified that God wanted me to become a nun, I was quite sure that I didn’t want to, and I was equally sure that I’d “have” to even though I’d hate it because God would want me to.

I finally told God, basically, “Look, You know what’s best for me. I don’t think my vocation is to be a nun. I think I’d be a pretty awful nun, in fact, because being surrounded by several dozen other women all the time sounds like hell on earth. However, if You want me to be one, adjust my attitude and show me where I’m supposed to go. If not, help me to live whatever vocation I’m supposed to live.”

Two years later, I met my now-DH. The whole what-if-God-wants-me-to-be-a-nun thing? That was a temptation to stay far away from Him out of fear.

He really does want what’s best for us. As for your current situation, why would a loving God want you to abandon your wife and child? Answer: He won’t, and any interior voice to the contrary isn’t His.
 
UbiCaritas said:
. As for your current situation, why would a loving God want you to abandon your wife and child? Answer: He won’t, and any interior voice to the contrary isn’t His.
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Exactly. Please don’t listen to the enemy. Get counseling, talk to a priest, and continue praying. Praying the Rosary may be very helpful.Here is a guide to praying it,
Even if you are not quite comfortable asking Mary’s intercession, consider that she is Jesus’ mother, and he encourages us to respect his mother. But the rosary is basically about the life of Jesus.
God bless.
 
Thank you for suggestion magdalen. Ubi and viki.

To tell the truth in recent years I have steered away from belief in demons and such but more recently I have been increasingly open to the fact of their existence. It happened when I realized that new age groups that I was reading about online believed in “entities”. Kind of realized then that it’s not so much a question on existence as intent and morality.

I tend to think of my anxiety as a mental illness but do not discount involvement of some force in the onset of the illness or in subtle escalations.

In fact the onset happened in a campus crusade event back in college where they preached that god wanted to break me to be able to use me and from that night forward I associated the negative perhaps demonic voice with gods.
 
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