Feeling Disconnected

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katiecall87

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I have a unique background with the church. I spent the earlier parts of my childhood identifying as Christian, but not really going to church more than every once in awhile. After my parents divorced, my father married a Catholic woman who pushed my sisters and I through catechesis and getting our sacraments. I initially rebelled against the sudden change, but in an otherwise chaotic and unhealthy home environment- the church quickly became a comfort for me, and participation was very sincere. There was once a point in my teenage years where I had been fascinated with the idea of becoming a sister.

At any rate, I wound up leaving home very quickly after graduating high school. I immediately enlisted in the Air Force, and after completing basic training and technical school, wound up living in Germany. I fell in love to a good Christian man, who was not Catholic, and because I was ignorant of how things should be done, I married him civilly thinking that it counted as my vocational marriage. I went to mass for quite a few years, receiving communion, before realizing that I wasn’t supposed to be doing that. I had already had my first child and was even in charge of our base’s Catholic Women of the chapel group.

I stopped taking communion, meaning to get my marriage blessed, but found that it was very difficult to do. My husband, while supportive, didn’t really understand my urgency and dragged his feet w tracking down his baptismal certificate so we could get the ball rolling.

Slowly I began losing interest in my desire to go to mass. I was separated from my Catholic family, my base had a very weak sense of Catholic community. I had created the chapel group in an attempt to get a community but the ladies weren’t interested in any sort of weekly meeting or activity so the group existed almost entirely in name only. I wound up giving up running it and joining many of the protestant groups- just so I could have a faith filled support group that met often, but I always felt really uncomfortable and out of place, because I was too sincerely ‘Catholic’ in my christian practice. I felt like a fish out of water.

(Continuing in a reply because I wrote too much…)
 
To shorten a very long story, by the time I was 21 I wound up giving up my faith entirely- I went through a major episode of disenchantment that I now believe was given room to grow through that feeling of disconnect- but really spurred on by my non Christian friends. It all got me really thinking, for awhile, that the Christian “idea of god” was so evil and judgemental and that believers were very ‘fake’. I quit going to church, but when that longing for something spiritual wouldn’t ‘go away’ I got involved with Wiccan/Pagan groups.

When I was about 25/26, I finally acknowledged how much I was missing the Church and after an inner battle that lasted almost two years, I started going back to Catholic mass- but I felt and still feel very disconnected.

I have two sons who need sacraments, but my life is not the only life that’s gone through changes. My father divorced that Catholic woman and my sisters left the church too. Essentially I have zero Catholic family or friends. I often feel alone in my faith, and to make matters worse- I have no catholics I can name as godparents. So I’m not really sure how to go about getting my children’s’ sacraments.

Further, when I go to mass and can’t receive communion, I always wind up feeling like I never really went. I go to church every week, but I don’t feel like I was ever actually there. It’s a very empty feeling that is hard to describe. I want to receive communion again, badly. So I am trying to get my marriage blessed.

All these years later, I still can’t get my husband to figure out where he was baptised.

To make matters worse- my childhood parish somehow lost my confirmation record. I was definitely confirmed, I remember the day clearly, but I have no proof of it- and the new parish wants that record if I’m going to get my marriage blessed. Trouble is- I can’t get confirmed ‘again’. I was already confirmed.

So basically- in order to get back into full communion w the church- I need to get my boys baptised and into faith formation classes, but have no one to name as god parents, except maybe my protestant inlaws- who are very good Christians, but not Catholic.
 
Mostly because I can’t receive communion, but also because I am the only Catholic in my family- I am feeling very alone in my faith. Further, I often find myself desperately craving the kind of fellowship and Christ centered social lives that the protestants have. They don’t just go to church on Sunday- most have a bible study day once a week, wives have women’s groups or pray and play play date groups- just different ways to feel part of the community and constantly enriching their prayer lives.

I am feeling very disconnected, very listless and alone in my faith. There is a part of me that has considered ‘shopping’ for a protestant church, so that I can feel like a full part of the community and not an out of place disconnected piece…

But that’s not really what I want. I know I would go and feel even more out of place, like I did in Germany- because I am too sincerely Catholic in my heart. I need the church and its traditions in my life, just as much as scripture. I want the Eucharist back in my life.

I guess I’m just looking for some encouragement along with advice about what to do for my boys and ideas on how to get back to feeling connected while I work on getting my marriage blessed. Even if I work diligently towards this goal- it will probably take a long time to complete. My parish wants to treat us like normal newly weds, since neither of us are divorcees- and just got married civilly. We need to go through all the usual marriage prep- which I find kind of silly after being married for 11 years and soon to have our third child. But I understand why they are doing it this way too.

In the end, I think what feels the most awkward about the whole situation is that I really am the only Catholic in my family and I don’t have any Catholic friends either. I have many Christians in my life, but none of them who understand what it is like to be Catholic- many of them evening having negative impressions of the church.

It makes me feel very all by myself. Which is silly- considering my faith should only be between God and I- but there you have it.
 
Why would a baptized Catholic (I take it you were) married civilly to a Protestant (I take it you were) be barred from receiving the Eucharist at a Catholic Mass?
 
Know that you are not alone. You have the family in Heaven and the family of the entirety of the Church here. I understand how being away from the vehicle of Grace that is the Sacraments have made you wanting and feeling weak, but PERSIST! God has been very patient and persistent with so many of His Creatures, why can we not be more persistent for Him? I mean to speak not in hypocrisy, but in truth. You can come here if you want, a little bit of a Catholic group, albeit online. CAF can be very supportive.
 
Because it isn’t a sacramental marriage. For all greater purposes, I’m not actually married in the eyes of the church- but still living in a ‘married way’ if you know what I mean. It’s considered to be ‘living in sin’- and therefore, until I validate my marriage, I can’t receive communion.
 
Thank you for your encouragement! I needed to hear it. it’s so tempting to consider drifting when other communities appear to be so much more welcoming and involved.
 
A marriage between a baptised woman and a baptised man, even if he is in a Protestant chirch, provided it was a valid baptism, is sacramental, if I understand everything properly. It may still need to be blessed in the Church. But, follow the words of your priest, the marriage stuff can get complicated.

But, even if we abstain from the Eucharist, He is still there, but we can’t eat the Eucharist. It can still be spiritually edifying.
 
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Are you suggesting that a Catholic priest could somehow bless or validate your marriage, and PRESTO, now you can take communion?
 
No, a Catholic is bound to observe the Catholic form of marriage or get a dispensation.

@katiecall87 Would your inlaws be able to help you get your husband baptisimal info?

Would you and your husband be prepared to live as brother and sister until you can get your marriage convalidated? It may allow you to receive the sacraments.

Try getting involved in parish activities to meet Catholic people. Most parishes have something. If your parish has nothing you are interested in maybe try setting something up.

Were you confirmed after being received into the Church or at the same time?

There should be a note of your confirmation in the parish you were received into the Church in.
 
Because it isn’t a sacramental marriage. For all greater purposes, I’m not actually married in the eyes of the church- but still living in a ‘married way’ if you know what I mean. It’s considered to be ‘living in sin’- and therefore, until I validate my marriage, I can’t receive communion.
Now doesn’t that seem rather silly to you? Why do you want to be part of a religion that is so silly? You don’t have to answer here. You may have very good reasons. I am sure there are those here who will tell me I am the devil for bringing this up, but I think you should balance the silliness with the things you find valuable about the church. Weigh them against each other. Try to determine what is valid and what isnt’. If being a practicing Catholic is still what you want, then you shouldn’t be worried that you are “alone” in this. My experience is that joining the church is sort of like joining a club. You won’t be alone once you are fully there.
 
@katiecall87 I understand how you feel. It’s important to have people who share your faith and can encourage you on the way, people who, for example, will understand your concerns about your marriage and not dismiss the whole thing as silly.

I don’t know if your parish has anything like this, but I belong to a small community of faith where we meet once a week to discuss the readings for the upcoming Sunday and talk about how to apply them to our lives. Most of all, we encourage each other in our faith. These are people that I have a deep, caring relationship with. I’m a cradle Catholic but have no close relatives who are Catholic, so these people are my Catholic family.

Once you have some support like that maybe other things will fall into place more easily.

Does your husband understand how important this is to you? Perhaps instead of your next birthday or other gift-giving occasion, he could track down his baptismal certificate as your gift. What a blessing that would be!

As far as your children, don’t worry too much about godparents. Your pastor can help you find some good practicing Catholics who could serve as godparents and maybe also become Catholic friends for you.

Prayers as you move forward.
 
@redfan Catholics who aren’t validly married aren’t permitted to receive communion; once she is married, she may receive. It’s not magic on the part of the priest. @qwertygirl What’s silly about that?

To the OP, I hope and pray you’re in an environment now with some stability and a regular priest you can meet with (which I know may not always be the case in military life). He may have multiple options for you to address your situation. Don’t fear being alone - even if it may feel that way from time to time, there’s a Church worldwide with you, and those who have gone before us as well (remember all the saints and faithful departed). You’ll be in our prayers, too.
 
Full disclosure, @RedFan is an Episcopal Protestant Christian and @QwertyGirl is an “agnostic theist” - so take their “advice” and jabs at the Church with a grain of sand.
 
Yes, a Catholic should get a dispensation prior to marrying a protestant, but it would still be sacramental, no? The issue isn’t whether it’s sacramental or not but if it’s licit, no? Correct me if I am wrong.
 
Why is it silly that one who is living scandalously not be allowed to bring further scandal by receiving Communion or any of the Sacraments?
 
A Catholic is obligated to be married according to Catholic form or the marriage is invalid. An invalid marriage cannot possibly be sacramental.
 
Ok, so it’d be invalid, and thus not sacramental, but if it were valid, it would be sacramental, right?
 
It makes me feel very all by myself. Which is silly- considering my faith should only be between God and I- but there you have it.
I would highly recommend going onto the “Blessed is She” website and seeing if there is a meetup or Facebook group near you.
 
Yes, a valid marriage between two baptized people is sacramental.
 
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