Feeling dishonored this Mother's Day

[Lillith]

My kids had a bubble bath ready when I woke up, and cold waffles soaked in syrup when I was done

My H is the catalist…father’s day is right around the bend…I promise, he’ll receive a lovely breakfast too

Point is, we teach our children what’s important. And I ask…How do the children learn how treasured moms should be if daddies don’t teach them?

 

[jrabs]

I think you are being too sensitive.

If you wanted some special treatment, then you can certainly ask for such. I woke up and said to my husband, “it’s Mother;s Day, today I would appreciate if you could make coffee for me while I sit in bed.”
Later I asked for a foot rub.

BAM! Coffee made - no hidden expectations dashed and no hurt feelings.

For my children, I used the same approach. " It’s Mother’s Day, I need a hug and I would like the dishes done."

I did not get treated like a princess. I am a mother - life goes on.
You may need to start speaking up instead of assuming cards and gifts will just appear only to have your feelings hurt.

 

[Cristiano]

My dad never did anything for my mom on Mothers’ Day. That was my job. In my family, children get gifts for their mother on Mothers’ Day and for their father on Fathers’ Day. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries are the times when husbands and wives exchange presents and cards.

This is what I have been teaching my 12 y/o son. It is his responsibility. I just made sure that he would ask my wife in order to know what she wanted. I also made sure that my wife would be ready with a clear answer for such a question. Things did not go at all as I wished, but I always have contingency plans. She got the corsage that she wanted and my son was the one that chose it. They were both happy and I managed to stay out of the picture.

 

[petitfleur]

My husband is the worst gift giver ever- he just is. these things dont come naturally too him but he has gotten better over the years. yes I said years. I did not get a card either but did get flowers and chocolate. I remember a few years ago when I was with my husband with a group of people someone asked me if I was doing anything special for mothers day. I said yes we are going to brunch, I made the reservations myself! everyone burst out laughing and my husband got the point-sorta. There is nothing wrong with asking for something with in reason. I think I would be grateful for the peonys. Next yeart make the plans yourself-"honey I would like to go for brunch this Mothers day and make reservations or cook out or whatver you want. It did not sound like he was being mean spirited just clueless- so kindly clue him in.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t think the OP would be having such a tough time with this if it weren’t for the fact that he spent so much effort on the card for his mom. It shows that he can be thoughtful. If her hubby was just the oblivious type I would tell her she should be thankful he even told her she was a good mom and that something got thrown into the cart for her…but having something to compare it to (his mom no less) could be the source of the bitterness.

And I absolutely hate the whole “you’re not my mother” attitude. I heard my dad say this to my mom growing up. Of course she’s not his mother, but she is the mother of his children which really deserves some appreciation and respect (just as I believe is right of wives to celebrate on father’s day).

Sorry OP, no advice for you, just some hugs:hug1:

 

[whatevergirl]

I just must have a different perspective on this…while I agree a bit with jrabs (I asked for a foot rub also, and was asked if they could take a rain check lol) I also think that mother’s day or father’s day isn’t so much about placing someone on a pedestal (don’t think anyone is saying that here) but rather celebrating the beautiful roles as mother and father–a FAMILY celebration of sorts. My son and dd both bought me things using their allowance money, bless their hearts…but hello…my dh chipped in…took them to the mall…the kids can’t make it to the store themselves, and in the past, they would both draw up cards for me, but now that they’re older, they want something more sophisticated for their mom.

Dads and moms should not look at this day as a time for excuses…‘you’re not my mom.’ It’s a special day for one spouse to say to another…‘i’m so glad you’re my kids’ mom.’ Period. It doesn’t need to be lavish – just something simple and from the heart. It’s also something that should be a daily occurence–recognizing each other’s value in the respective roles we have as parents, and spouses…but, on those special days, similiar to a birthday, I think it is perfectly fine and quite appreciated to say…‘I really am so grateful to have you as my kids’ dad/mom.’

Doing nice things for our spouses on these special days, can only be seen as awesome, in my eyes.

 

[jrabs]

**I don’t think the OP would be having such a tough time with this if it weren’t for the fact that he spent so much effort on the card for his mom. **

Here is another perspective.

The OP can chose to be proud of her husband for remembering his mother.
He honored his mother - that is a wonderful thing.

The OP can chose to NOT be offended. The OP cannot change her husband but can change her approach to her husband. That will be a sure way to avoid hurt in the future.

We are moms! We are strong. We need to speak up at times and ask men for things. They cannot read minds.

 

[Brenda_V]

This is what I have been teaching my 12 y/o son. It is his responsibility. I just made sure that he would ask my wife in order to know what she wanted. I also made sure that my wife would be ready with a clear answer for such a question. Things did not go at all as I wished, but I always have contingency plans. She got the corsage that she wanted and my son was the one that chose it. They were both happy and I managed to stay out of the picture.

Cristiano you think you weren’t involved or managed to stay out of the picture but you were in the background . This is the way it should be done, dads should be helping sons and daughters to learn about compassion and love and who better to show it to than their Mom (or Dad on Father’s Day with the Mom doing what Cristiano did for his wife and son).

OP I am sorry that what you saw was your husband spending more time with his family, the time he took with the card for his mom and his talking to his brother on the phone.

My Mothers Day was really nice. My daughter’s thought perhaps what they would give me was “peace of mind” by getting their dad a Trac-Phone, one of those pay-as-you-go phones. He keeps borrowing my phone which I use for business and other things but his safety was an issue when he borrowed it, he doesn’t like having to pay a monthly fee for a phone so this worked out just right for him! It was a great present for me! I also went to lunch with my oldest like we do every Sunday to McDonald’s and then home to cook a roast with special topping on it, something I wanted to do! I like to cook so it was what I wanted. My husband bought me roses even though I said Alostera, they didn’t look good when he stopped at the store (I told him what I wanted) and as you can see by my ticker we have been married for along time and I have been a mother for 28 of those years.

Brenda V.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Here is another perspective.

The OP can chose to be proud of her husband for remembering his mother.
He honored his mother - that is a wonderful thing.
**
Yes honoring his mom IS a wonderful thing. But honoring the mother of his children is equally wonderful. She can be proud of him and hurt at the same time. Especially that it is precisely because he honored his mom but neglected her that this whole mess started.**

The OP can chose to NOT be offended. The OP cannot change her husband but can change her approach to her husband. That will be a sure way to avoid hurt in the future.
**
So to avoid hurt we need to lower our expectations? Doesn’t sound right to me.**

We are moms! We are strong. We need to speak up at times and ask men for things. They cannot read minds.
**
Very true. And hopefully they can have a good discussion about this so there is no repeat next year.**

 

[pprimeau1976]

I’m a father of a 5 and 3 year old and I took the kids to Ray Hunter’s (a flower and garden shop) and bought my wife some “frogs on a stick” (as my 3 year old says) for our garden.

http://www.farm-home.com/images/mollema/hg47364.jpg

And I bought her a book written by a doctor she listens to on her I-Pod. She was suprised by the book because she never told me she wanted it, I just listened to her It’s amazing what ears can do!

get over it
men are how they are

Brrr…that was cold. Also, that’s kind of a defeatist attitude isn’t it?

most MILs would get nothing from their son if DIL did not take care of it.

You mean if your DIL wasn’t an enabler? If your DIL refused to take care of buying your gifts for your son, your son would either get you a gift sooner or later, or not get you a gift at all and embarass himself and hurt you. He would eventually get sick of being the grinch of the family and do something nice for you on mothers day/birthday/etc.

In any case it is mother’s day, up to your kids to mark the day. You are not his mother.

The name of the holiday is “Mother’s Day” not “Your Mother and Only Your Mother’s Day”. In the case of the OP, she may not his mother, but she’s the mother of his children. He should be setting an example for the kids to help them know how special their mom is. How they see dad treat mom will affect their future relationships. Also, In a time when mothers get burnt out after only one or two kids, they need as much appreciation and encouragement from their husbands as they can get.

I think it’s not about cards, gifts, breakfast in bed…it’s about being honored my our spouses, the way Christ honored the Church…on a daily basis–to honor them in the roles God has blessed them in.

:clapping:

 

[jrabs]

• Feanaro’s Wife Posted:*

*Yes honoring his mom IS a wonderful thing. But honoring the mother of his children is equally wonderful. She can be proud of him and hurt at the same time. Especially that it is precisely because he honored his mom but neglected her that this whole mess started.

So to avoid hurt we need to lower our expectations? Doesn’t sound right to me.
*
*Do we really need to lower our expectations? Never. Do we need to figure out a way to change the desired outcome? *
ABSOLUTELY!
*Why is asking for something from your husband equated to lowering your expectations? *
*
The OP is telling us that she thinks her husband missed the boat as far as she is concerned. If she is unhappy, she needs to bring about a change in her expectations some how. *
*Why does it need to boil down to hurt feelings? She could have spoken up at any point in the day to change the outcome. *
In little battles like this - someone needs to see a positive side in order to bring about the desired result. If seeing that her husband has made his mother happy by honoring her, then I do not see that as a negative. From there she can change HER mindset.
We all realize that we cannot change others behavior, but can change our reaction to it, thus changing the outcome. No?

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m a father of a 5 and 3 year old and I took the kids to Ray Hunter’s (a flower and garden shop) and bought my wife some “frogs on a stick” (as my 3 year old says) for our garden.

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And I bought her a book written by a doctor she listens to on her I-Pod. She was suprised by the book because she never told me she wanted it, I just listened to her It’s amazing what ears can do!

Brrr…that was cold. Also, that’s kind of a defeatist attitude isn’t it?

You mean if your DIL wasn’t an enabler? If your DIL refused to take care of buying your gifts for your son, your son would either get you a gift sooner or later, or not get you a gift at all and embarass himself and hurt you. He would eventually get sick of being the grinch of the family and do something nice for you on mothers day/birthday/etc.

The name of the holiday is “Mother’s Day” not “Your Mother and Only Your Mother’s Day”. In the case of the OP, she may not his mother, but she’s the mother of his children. He should be setting an example for the kids to help them know how special their mom is. How they see dad treat mom will affect their future relationships. Also, In a time when mothers get burnt out after only one or two kids, they need as much appreciation and encouragement from their husbands as they can get.

:clapping:

you sir, ‘get it.’ I bet your wife was very happy…and what is wrong with involvement by the spouses?

My dad made mother’s day very special, when my parents were alive when I was little. I remember that, and my mom greatly appreciated it. It really just takes a little effort.

My dd picked out dark chocolate from Godiva yesterday, and my hubby thought it would be nice to pack the gifts (which were in littler boxes) in one big box…to ‘throw me off’ of what it could possibly be. We all laughed when I realized that the box was just to throw me off…haha And, my dh got a big hug and kiss for his involvement.

The best thing kids can learn, is how to honor someone–and largely they learn that behavior from us parents.

jrabs–I also think that a simple conversation with her husband might make a world of difference. But, I don’t think we should abandon hurt feelings. If her husband is ‘forgetting’ other occasions, like anniversaries, he sounds like he needs to be awakened to how to be considerate of his wife’s feelings. I don’t ever recommend for a man or woman to continuously swallow hurt feelings, because we shouldn’t expect much. No, we shouldn’t expect gifts, etc…but it would sadden me if my husband acted like I didn’t matter on Mom’s day…or our anniversary.

I also buy his mom flowers, and have them shipped to her, or whatever gift we agree on–and hubby is quite appreciative. “She’s not my mom,” but I knew this would help him out seeing he is working a lot of crazy hours at work.

Tune in to your spouses’ needs folks. Don’t wait for an invitation to learn, just start taking some mental notes, and jot down things that might really bring a smile to that person’s face. Because in the end…God and family matter most.

 

[duskyjewel]

This guy spent hours sitting around talking with his brother the day before, then claimed he had grand plans and wasn’t able to implement them due to lack of time.

This guy spent at least an hour carefully making a nice card for his mother, then claimed he had grand plans and wasn’t able to (name removed by moderator)lement them due to lack of time.

It seems to me this guy is sending messages loud and clear that his wife comes absolutely LAST on his list. And where did this idea come from that a husband is not supposed to honor the MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN on Mother’s Day? Father’s Day is a big deal around here. We usually make a funny Dad t-shirt for him, and he gets a special dinner, home cooked, along with a few beers. I make a big deal for my husband, and we always call our own dads and talk to them to say thanks and I love you each year. But DH is the one CURRENTLY fathering… so it’s his big day. I think it should be the same way for moms. For anyone to say, it’s only for us to honor our own mothers, and that husbands have no obligation to make the day special for the mothers of their own children, is just… ugh, it’s just wrong and feels mean and insensitive.

kittery, I remember you from other threads. All I can say is that I am sorry your husband doesn’t seem to have improved his treatment of you in any way. I know it must be painful to be trying hard and to be getting no results.

BTW, I didn’t get a big fancy card, but DH bought me five rosebushes, one for each child, and planted them. It was such a sentimental thing to do… I also got some chocolates, but we didn’t do much else as 4 of the 5 rugrats are sick. Can’t do much when real life intrudes on the holiday.

 

[pprimeau1976]

:clapping:you sir, ‘get it.’ I bet your wife was very happy…

Trust me, it’s been through 10 yrs of trial and error.

 

[whatevergirl]

Trust me, it’s been through 10 yrs of trial and error.

Slow and steady wins the race. I think that it’s important to note, that women can be ‘forgetful’ too. Our 7th year of marriage, I forgot my hubby’s b-day. I don’t know why, but I just did…I remember people calling to wish him a happy birthday, and I was like… oh no! oh no! I’m soooo sorry, honey! He was surprised, a little hurt, but I made it a nice night, afterall…and from then on…I never forgot again. But, it can happen to us women too. If it kept happening, that would just show him that I don’t really have him too much on my mind, I just feel it would show this.

kittery–I hae hope that after you chat with your husband, things will improve. When we hope in God, we don’t hope in vain.

 

[dulcissima]

Heck, even my ex would help the kids make me breakfast in bed. I think that the OP is feeling slighted that her husband can put some effort into acknowledging his own mother for mother’s day, but not the mother of his children, is totally a valid feeling. The trick will be in effectively communicating that to her husband. I wouldn’t let it slide. I would ask him if he meant to hurt your feelings and let him know that is exactly what he did.

 

[duskyjewel]

Oh, my… dulcissima, knowing what I know about your ex from previous posts…

That shows REALLY badly on kittery’s man.

 

[kittery]

I absolutely know from our dating days that my husband has it in him to do simple things that say a lot. Holidays and occasions are NOT about material things, as WGirl said. A note with three sentences under my cup of coffee at breakfast could have made the whole day different. A card he helped the kids to make me, breakfast they made me, anything like that would have hit the spot. It did especially hurt when I saw the time he spent on his mother’s card and I didn’t get one at all. The message is that his mother is prized and I haven’t earned my place in his heart yet.

I don’t get the whole “you’re not his mom” thing. The most precious thing in this world are our children. He feels this way too. We each have separate roles that we provide for our children, and on Father’s Day, I will honor him for being their father. These are big roles, important roles. And being honored on Mother’s Day communicates love and encouragement. It breathes new life into a weary mom who does everything for her family, and little for herself. Honoring his mom thanks her for the past. His future lies with us, and to honor his wife, the mother of his children, is to hope for the future as well. That’s how I see it.

And, as many of you pointed out, his behavior is an example to our children and you know, I bet if I had a discussion with him and asked him if he thinks that we are modeling good behavior in this department, I know he would agree that we could do much better. I would not want my future DIL to feel like this.

The poster whose children drew a bubble bath and made her cold, soggy pancakes brought tears to my eyes. So simple. And so completely wonderful!

And the five rosebushes- one for each child? Wow. That is an awesome, thoughtful thing to do!

If my husband would have just thought to guide our children through an activity to show them what it means to honor and thank mommy would have filled my heart to overflowing.

Maybe I’ll visit the lumber section at Lowe’s this afternoon…:newidea: Just kidding

 

[jrabs]

:clapping:

jrabs**–I also think that a simple conversation with her husband might make a world of difference**. But, I don’t think we should abandon hurt feelings. If her husband is ‘forgetting’ other occasions, like anniversaries, he sounds like he needs to be awakened to how to be considerate of his wife’s feelings. I don’t ever recommend for a man or woman to continuously swallow hurt feelings, because we shouldn’t expect much. No, we shouldn’t expect gifts, etc…but it would sadden me if my husband acted like I didn’t matter on Mom’s day…or our anniversary.

You are absolutely correct! And that is going to be one path to possibly getting a different result next time.

If we do not try and change the outcome ( through possibly the suggested conversation), then we only have ourselves to blame.

 

[catholic79]

Mothers Day and Fathers Day in our house are interesting days. Sometimes we give our mom’s gifts sometimes we don’t this year they got their mothers day cards in April that said they were Grandma’s they all seamed to think this was better then any gift, and we don’t have much incoming money right now so no gifts this year.

I didn’t know what to expect from my DH if I would get anything a card or gift, and I didn’t mention it at all. Well Friday night he asked me if I was hoping for a gift on Sunday. I told him it would be nice but that I knew what was in our check book. He went out to the car and got his gift and gave it to me early, It was a onesie (spelling?) and a card wrapped in the store bag because he couldn’t find the wrapping paper.

If the bulbs at Lowes would have been presented as lets all pick out the flower we want to plant for mom (or what flowers would you like this year mom) and then go home and plant them for mom (or together) that would have been okay with me. But I don’t want a gift that’s a chore.