Feeling distant from God. Is this despair?

[EIF5A]

Intellectually, I can believe that God is everywhere. But in reality, I don’t feel that God is nearby. Perhaps there are moments of inspiration upon reading Scripture or private revelations…but it’s never felt like God would or could look down all the way from heaven and see or care about someone so sinful and negligent as me.

There are doubts whether I have actually prayed. I verbalize things, but only because we are told to, not because I believe in my heart that God Who is omnipotent and holy would actually be moved by anything I say. It seems like I’m a mosquito buzzing in His ear.

All the holy people, from Scripture to saints, say prayer is crucial and key. It just seems like whatever I do is futile and that because of my continual sins, God is annoyed.

This is a horrible thought that I have in my mind, and I truly wish that I didn’t think it, but the very idea that Jesus died for my sins is elusive to me — my mind accepts it, but my heart is oblivious. How can I be truly contrite and thankful for His sacrifice when I cannot even grasp the most basic thing?

The other day, I read somewhere that Jesus said in a private revelation that every single person is unique and has something to offer Jesus (paraphrased). I want to believe this…just wish it wasn’t a private revelation and in Scripture instead. And also something like Divine Mercy — I want to believe…but it just seems too incredible that Jesus would want someone like me to trust in His Mercy.

This feels like doubt and despair…not sure how to overcome it.

 

[Mintaka]

First off, there is nothing wrong with only experiencing God intellectually. The writer Dorothy L. Sayers was just like that. She had a hard time persuading people of this, since people were sure her eloquence and love of God must come from all sorts of feelings and visions and charismatic what-have-you. But that just wasn’t the way God chose to work with her, and that wasn’t the way her brain worked anyway.

Just like every other area of life, different people know God in different ways.

As for whether God can care about you personally, or what you do or say, or whether you talk to Him – of course He cares! He can be great and powerful and be everywhere, and still love you personally like you were the only person on Earth. You are the only you that has ever been or will ever be, the only you ever created in the history of the universe. Of course God takes a unique interest in such a unique creation! Jesus would have died for you alone, if you were the only sinner on Earth. He loves you for who you are and who you will become.

Having doubts is normal, but really, a lot of yours sound like shyness combined with a sort of anti-pride pride.

Also, if you don’t like verbalizing prayer, there are many other ways to pray. You don’t have to be spontaneous all the time and come up with deep meaningful words, either. It might be beneficial for you to do more spiritual reading, or to spend time silently praying before the Blessed Sacrament without really using words, or just to tell God your troubles and thank Him afterward.

Have you read Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales? There’s some good examples there of how to have a prayer life that’s more intellectual?

 

[3DOCTORS]

Sometimes we are more aware of the big mysteries than of the little intimate things about God. Sometimes it depends on where we are in our own lives - in good times or tough times, in a joyous state of mind or a sadder place. There are peaks and valleys. It doesn’t sound that abnormal what you describe.

 

[DMC12]

well first, from what i understand the sin against hope named despair, is when you give up, since you think you are already damned.

I’m not sure if what you are doing is like that or if it is sinful, you gotta ask someone else about this, but I can tell you is not healthy not spiritually nor physically.

I want you to remember that Jesus came for the Sinners, not the just. also i want you to remember that the one who wants you to be saved more than anyone is God Himself, this is not for thinking that we will be saved without having to do our part, but to remember who is backing you up, so you dont see the fight lost.

now about the prayers remember Mathew 7:
7. "Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

1. For every one who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
2. Or what man of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?
3. Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?
4. If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Just pray with your whole mind and have faith in God with your rational mind, even if your feelings are in despair. also go to speak to a good Priest, that might help you a lot.

 

[Simca]

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you’
You are very special in God’s eyes. He has a plan for you. You are in the palm of his hand and at the center of his heart.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ Just because we don’t feel his closeness, doesn’t mean that he has distanced himself from us. I think that’s where faith comes in. When we’re happy it’s easy to believe. When things look dismal, that’s when we have to trust God the most.

Lord, I am empty. Fill me with your Spirit.

My prayers for you