Feeling ditched by a "buddy"

[ricrac]

A co-worker “buddy” of mine approached me months ago asking if I’d have any interest in going to see a live band slated to perform on a Friday night in a major city 160 miles away. He was persistent and told me the show coincided with his wife’s birthday. He suggested we might leave work early on the day of the show and maybe even stay overnight in the city afterward. Though not familiar with the band nor the city itself, I agreed, as I’d never attended such a venue and felt comfortable knowing I’d be navigating that metropolis with people who knew their way around. My buddy bought tickets for himself, his wife, and me, and I promptly paid him back for mine.

Three weeks before the show, I learned indirectly that this friend and his wife made additional arrangements for the two of them to travel the night before the show, spend the night in the city, and shop all day prior to the performance as a treat for her birthday. When I asked him about this, his replies were vague, but he finally confirmed that this was now the plan.

I confronted him that since he recruited me for this venue, he had an obligation to me to keep me in the loop regarding the logistics of the trip. Clearly I was now expected to find my own way to the show and back. I told him I felt like a “third wheel” who had dropped from his radar. His response to all this has been shockingly detached and minimally receptive, He has taken no ownership of the situation, and acts like I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I have since told him to find someone else to use my ticket.

I view this as a moral lapse on his part, and it has profoundly compromised our friendship. He has no faith background and no interest in such, though in a past conversation he told me he has never regretted anything he has ever said or done. I have no reason to think he’s going to step up to the plate and apologize or make any effort to make things right between us.

He occupies the office right next to mine so it would be impossible to cut him out of my life completely. Part of me would like to; another part of me thinks he would profit from my example in the way I treat people. (I shouldn’t have to: he’s a highly skilled professional who never behaves towards his clients this way.) Interestingly, he has told me on more than one occasion that he considers me a “good friend.”

Is this guy some kind of sociopath? How should I deal with him in the future?

 

[Rascalking]

Is this guy some kind of sociopath? How should I deal with him in the future?

The guy isn’t a sociopath, just a jerk. He definetly should have told you about this, and give you the time to ask a date to accompany you so you wouldn’t be the “fifth wheel”.

I’d be really, really mad at this jerk-but saying he is a sociopath is bit too much.

If he works right near you, then just keep contact to a minimal level. Tell him your really hurt, people don’t do this to one another-
What a slimeball!!

 

[SMHW]

Were the travel arrangements for this trip discussed ahead of time or did you just assume you’d be able to travel together?

To me, it seems really odd that a buddy would want to take along *his *friend in order to celebrate his wife’s birthday.

Something was off from the beginning. Perhaps the wife wanted to go but the husband was unwilling unless he could bring a friend. Or maybe the husband wanted to go and the fact that a friend was going was his means to convince his wife. My guess is that it was the wife who wanted the earlier arrival and and the solo travel arrangements. Since this trip was supposedly about her how could he refuse? He was embarrassed to tell you.

It does seem like your buddy used you but from your story it isn’t clear quite why.

 

[PatriceA]

I feel like a major piece of the puzzle is missing, that the OP isn’t telling the whole story.

The whole going away with the friend and his wife for his wife’s birthday is a little strange. How did the OP find out “indirectly” about the new arrangements? When it was suggested that they were going to spend the night before the concert, did the OP follow up on the travel arrangements and lodging, was that even discussed?

It sounds like a lack of communication on both the OP’s fault and the friend’s fault. I think once the OP paid for the ticket immediately, and unless nothing else was discussed about further arrangements getting to and from the concert, perhaps the friend thought the situation was settled and the OP was no longer a part of the plans.

It sounds like both parties let the ball drop.

 

[momor]

though in a past conversation he told me he has never regretted anything he has ever said or done.
Is this guy some kind of sociopath? How should I deal with him in the future?

If he was telling the truth about his lack of regret for any past actions, I’d say he has some sociopathic tendencies (lack of conscience). So, don’t expect an apology or any recognition that he has done anything wrong.

I agree with others that there is something very wierd about a guy inviting another guy to go along on his wife’s birthday trip. WUWT?

 

[Catholic1954]

If my husband had invited a “buddy” to accompany us on my big, overnight birthday trip, he would be in big trouble and spending the day (and night) before, together, would be a small way to make up for it.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

He didn’t get a discount on the tickets for buying 3 by any chance did he?

Very weird situation.

Either way I think you have just learned the difference between work associates and actual friends, associates are everywhere friends are extremely rare indeed. Associates are treat politely and professionally in accordance wit the setting, not like friends or you leave yourself open to these kinds of things.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

Consider it a valuable lesson learned cheaply.

It could have been a mutual fund or land in Florida or a race horse or a boat or a vacation time share!

OR … investing your life savings with HIS good friend, Bernie Madoff!!!

Valuable lesson.

Learn to say the following: [smile] “Pass”

 

[ricrac]

OP here. Thanks to all who posted. Clarifications are needed, based on your comments:

1. The purpose of traveling upstate to the show was for my friend to see his favorite band, not to celebrate his wife’s birthday, which was presented to me as merely coincidental to the date. This is why I had no problem agreeing to attend.
2. Early on, discussions about travel revolved around us leaving work early that Friday, arriving at the city early to avoid the worst of rush hour, and possibly getting rooms at a hotel after the show. I tried to pin down specifics with him, but he said to wait till a few weeks before the event.
3. He absolutely knew I don’t know my way around the destination city.
4. I learned of his alternate travel plans inadvertently when I overheard him on the phone talking about it (the walls are paper thin at my office). Even then when I asked more questions, he insisted to me no travel plans had been finalized, and that the original road trip was still an option.
5. Six days later (last Wednesday) he popped in my doorway and told me I most certainly was not a ‘third wheel’…but I was on my own getting to the venue and back.

My theory is that I fell off his radar after I paid for my ticket. He then (carelessly? thoughtlessly?) veered off in another direction with the event, and it morphed into something completely different. (I have since learned his wife has invited a bunch of her friends to join them at the show.) My “buddy” is not one to mince words nor protect his wife’s influence from others’ scrutiny, so it frustrates me that he hasn’t explained / won’t explain how we got to this point.

A comment from another mutual friend prompted my question on this board about sociopaths. She said to me, “You have just experienced a side of him that most people never get to see. You have to understand it’s all about whatever he wants whenever he wants it.”

 

[Monte_RCMS]

OP here. Thanks to all who posted. Clarifications are needed, based on your comments:

A comment from another mutual friend prompted my question on this board about sociopaths. She said to me, “You have just experienced a side of him that most people never get to see. You have to understand it’s all about whatever he wants whenever he wants it.”

Very valuable comment. File it away for reference; visit the comment frequently. A valuable measure to be used not only for the “buddy” at work, but also for other “buddies” who will pop up when they want to manipulate you.

[She sounds like someone you should get to know better. Does she have a sister?]

 

[CarrieH]

Consider it a valuable lesson learned cheaply.

Agreed. I got ditched over the weekend myself, so I’m sympathetic. And I, too, have to deal with this person on occasion at work. At least he told me that he had decided to make other plans, and at least there were other friends involved, so I wasn’t left high and dry, but still! (BTW, this was never any kind of romantic involvement; I’m a bit older than he and not “his type” anyway. But we were buddies, or so I thought). I believe that the guy in my situation truly doesn’t get it that what he did was out of line, and that’s probably true in your situation as well. But looking back on the history of our friendship, it’s always been about him and his agenda. He has given me clues about this all along, and eventually I got the message. And while we may have angry and hurt feelings, at least we know the true nature of these people now and can deal with them accordingly.

So, now what do we do? I have decided to be friendly but distant, esp. since his work affects mine some of the time, but I will not initiate any social contact with him unless our work demands it. No more off-site lunches or happy hours after work unless it’s with a large group (and I’ll sit at the opposite end of the table, thank you). No more sharing personal information with him about my life outside of work, and no more comments on his Facebook postings (I hid him from my news feed and would de-friend him if I didn’t have to work with him). He has been demoted from a friend to a “work associate,” as another poster described it. We can always hope that these losers will decide to transfer to another department and be out of our lives for good! Good luck in your situation and God bless.

 

[ricrac]

And while we may have angry and hurt feelings, at least we know the true nature of these people now and can deal with them accordingly.QUOTE]

I’m a person who always gives people the benefit of the doubt. But this situation has really thrown me for a loop. I started questioning to myself whether I was the real problem here. It’s helpful to receive validation from others who have gone through similar experiences.

 

[SMHW]

My guess is that your work associate really wanted to go to this concert but he had the sticky problem of his wife’s birthday occurring around the same time.

Solution! Take her away for a weekend AND see the concert! Problem? Wife is not overly thrilled with band. Solution! Work buddy is also going and REALLY wants a companion. (Yes, I know that’s not the story you heard but…) Anyway… wife thinks maybe it would be OK but she wants to bring some of her friends and go shopping first. “Of course, honey. We’ll just go separately from my work friend. It won’t be any problem.” Well… maybe a problem for the work buddy.

You learned something about your work associate. Some people you like. Some people you trust. Some people you treat like spiders in your garden. They have the right to be there and they fill a valuable role in your ecosystem. But you maintain healthy boundaries because spiders are incapable of acting like anything other than as spiders.

Oh, and remember that a smart man will always make his wife think that her birthday is more important than a buddy’s feelings.

 

[Crash001]

I would politely let he know what your assumptions/expectations were and then depending on his response, either accept it and enjoy the concert, or let him know that the plans fell short of the expectations and that you will not be attending. If someone else would like to purchase (yes, purchase…even at a discounted rate), that you would be glad to sell it.

Good luck…that wasn’t very nice of your ‘friend’.

 

[puzzleannie]

A
Is this guy some kind of sociopath? How should I deal with him in the future?

of course not, is he going around doing chain saw massacres?

sounds like he invited you before consulting his wife, and she preferred to spend the weekend with him without a third party, or their plans changed, or you misunderstood the terms of the invitation because he did not make them clear, or any other explanation. Was it rude? probably but that doesn’t make him psychotic.

You have to work with him. My advice is to pretend it never happened, don’t refer to it, as he probably is not sure if or how he should apologize. Maintain a good professional relationship, and realize this is one coworker you will not be socializing with outside work. this is not a moral issue but one of etiquette, a skill sadly lacking today. Realize you will probably not be able to educate him in this area and let it go. Do you really want to drain your energy on this exceedingly minor issue?

 

[CarrieH]

This is not a moral issue but one of etiquette, a skill sadly lacking today. Realize you will probably not be able to educate him in this area and let it go. Do you really want to drain your energy on this exceedingly minor issue?

It probably doesn’t feel like an “exceedingly minor issue” to the OP, who had forked over the money for the ticket and had planned his weekend around their original idea to travel together to the concert. Depending on what band this was, those concert tickets can be pretty expensive. And the OP said that this person had considered him a “good friend” and then he jacked him around like this. It’s no wonder he is angry, hurt, and a bit confused.

Perhaps self-centeredness and a lack of regard for others’ feelings is indeed a sin, but this was mostly a matter of poor communication and a lack of social skills/etiquette, not a moral issue. Time to let it go, ricrac, but don’t let yourself get into a position for anything like this to ever happen again with this guy. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on** me**.”