Feeling down lately/unrequited love again?

[hopeforfaith]

I have been feeling quite depressed lately and I can really use some advice…

Starting from last July, I started liking a boy whom I’m pretty sure that he liked me back through body languages, his actions and his words. We kind of even admitted it outloud when we said we liked each other. I could see he cares about me more than other girls because I’m the one he pays attention to in a group setting and he always smiles more to me. But lately, we haven’t been seeing each other as much since the summer course in which we met is over. I’m worried that he might like someone else. Judging from some facebook posts, maybe he likes another girl. But he keeps on posting song links which is totally our situation: we both know how each other feel but we aren’t going to say it.

I’m starting to get worried since he haven’t replied my text yet… though I think it’s hardly his fault since he likes switching between numbers, maybe he haven’t checked the one I sent it to yet. It’s just a simple “Happy New Year” text so maybe he won’t bother answering, I don’t know. But he usually answers every text.

But I guess the problem is I’ve been through unrequited love before and I’m just scared it’ll happen again. Even if there’s no confirmation of my suspicion, I feel as if the feeling of hopelessness returned.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve felt like this. The worst thing is that you’re torn in between. You don’t know whether to continue pining for him, probably this will be dragging on for years, or just give up. But you also know that whichever way it is, it hurts. Sometimes I wish I am just able to yell :I love you and there be it. But life rarely works that way.
The next worst thing is to see him and discover that he doesn’t love you anymore. Perhaps, I’m making all the worst case scenarios in my mind, preparing for the worst. Somehow I felt as if this has already happenned! Like I already lost him. The memories replayed and replayed in my head. I realized they have always been there. But now they are all combined and pent up so much that you just have to let loose.
I’m never a person to cry or lose my temper, many of my friends have often said they can’t imagine me even being unhappy. But if they took a glimpse of me now, they’ll know I’m depressed.
A part of me is just telling me that it’s going to be fine. However, I don’t feel like having hope again. Why have it if it lets you down? It’s just going to hurt more. But it hurts all the same if you don’t have it. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it. I will never show how much hurt I’ve been through, and I’ll fail while convincing you because I won’t let it show.
Then you’ll be frustrated at yourself because of ever letting yourself being in such situation and want to curse yourself being such a complete idiot. I want to hand this over to God but somehow I am lacking faith. I just… want everything to happen my way so badly. I’m not ready to let go of the situation just yet.
Right now anything can make me cry, perhaps a mention of me being in a bad mood, or a sentimental song, or just a prayer that relates to me.

I don’t even know whether to trust my intuition during a prayer. Before, when I wish that I can be with someone I love, I could feel that it’s not going to come true… and it didn’t. This time, I can feel that it will happen someday. I remember during a homily, a priest said if God wants your wish to happen, he’ll fulfill it gradually. And I know he had in my prayers for him, the guy I like.

Sorry if this post is too long or I sound confused…because I really am. I just some there can be some advice

 

[Thankfulness]

It is difficult to be young and feel attracted to someone, and to feel very invested in hopes and fears about possible relationships. You are very dependent upon whether or not someone who is also quite young (and likely to be changeable in his attractions) is likely to have a lasting attraction to you. You say that his song links are keyed to you both but you also say he hasn’t said what his feelings are. My experience has been that if I project my feelings on to someone else, without actually knowing what the person’s thoughts and feelings are, is that I often find I’ve been incorrect in my presumptions.

There is probably little point in my wishing that you would distract yourself by doing useful and helpful things, because you are only focusing on wanting a relationship I think, but you really do need to put energy into other things rather than hoping against hope texts will be answered and a particular boy you are attracted to will respond in kind.

You don’t realize it isn’t about love yet. Maybe he likes you but that doesn’t mean he loves you or that he is ready to become exclusive, or to love anyone beyond simple attraction that actually isn’t what genuine love is. Loving someone is not simply attraction and wanting someone to care about you.

I’m sorry you are suffering and lonely, and I’m sad that you are so very dependent, and I hope you will grow stronger and find joy in your life that isn’t dependent upon whether a boy you like likes you. However for now I guess you can’t help how you feel and I can only pray for you.

 

[chevalier]

Hello, Hopeforfaith,

First of all, you need to heal from the past experiences connected with unrequited love. If you don’t, it may be very hard for you to form a happy relationship. In some cases the scars are so many that we can’t heal on our own, we need help from the outside. There is no shame in talking to people who made it their occupation to help others and who have received appropriate training precisely for this purpose.

Past experiences can make the present very hard. They can make you take things out of proportion, see patterns that aren’t there or at least exaggerate their meaning… I’ve been there, done that. I suspect I wasn’t very far from where you are when I was your age. I’ve had a lot of unrequitted love or interest in my life. In fact, it’s been the general rule.

Don’t despair about little things such as not replying to one message you sent. It’s true that even very little things can have significance but it’s also true that few of us have had the training to read human behaviours correctly and draw correct conclusions. Most of us will slip and read things the wrong way or fail to follow correct reasoning. It may appear that every single step is in order but the effect is still absurd. In short, if you don’t have very clear signs, preferably repeating ones, no hard evidence etc., don’t make hard conclusions and don’t allow yourself to think about it until your head hurts.

Also, don’t imagine the worst or you will actually live it before it happens and even when it doesn’t happen at all! There’s a joke about that guy who hesitated whether to go to his neighbour and borrow a screwdriver, a shovel, or lawnmower or whatever else it was. He battled his foughts all along the way, processing the scenario in which the neighbour refused to lend the tool to him. He finally rang the neighbour’s doorbell and immediately after the door opened, he blurted out, “I don’t need your shovel!” (And possibly a couple expletives.) Don’t process (mentally) the scenario where whomever you love or are attracted to rejects you or turns out to be a bad person (actually at least with rejection it might sometimes turn out into a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I suppose this is more likely with men, who will in such a case lack the confidence that women need from them). Do talk to a psychologist (or just read a book written by someone competent) about how to avoid doing that.

Also (again), as far as body language goes, you may already know that there are no unfailing hints. The same gesture may have different significance depending on the situation and on the specific person. Ideally, you’d study the person’s body language for some time before drawing conclusions, and then you’d need to focus on the big picture rather than singular indications. Plus, even then, it’s not 100% reliable.

One other thing we need to learn about love between a man and a woman is to let go of the hopes of a relationship if the other party doesn’t want it or wants it only half-heartedly (or if we want it half-heartedly in fact but are just pushing ourselves into it for this or that reason, including reluctance to admit mistake). Sometimes we very badly want it to work out finally, to work out this first time ever and so on and so forth. But we need to let go instead. You probably won’t remember much from these tribulations when you’re happily married in a couple of years from now. And you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship which you forced on yourself due to having some sort of idea.

As far as the experience goes that you describe, I understand. I could write some of the latter parts myself (details are slightly different, since I’m male but let’s just say physical pain is capable of arising from emotional situations). Like you, though, I wouldn’t let it show, though, so.

Anyway, stay true to your course, don’t settle just to be done with the journey, don’t lose faith, don’t stop your efforts, don’t force yourself into relationships when you know better, not even if every man you meet shows red flags (or is not really attractive to you, or both). Meanwhile have strong relationships with God, with your family, with friends. Don’t ignore the people you can rely on, don’t deny yourself a social life (or just a cup of coffee at a café) just because there’s no special gentleman to go there with (and films are still good when watched with friends, and food still tastes good and all ).

You have a lot of spirit, it shows. Fight on. Even the fighting alone is worth it.

 

[chevalier]

By the way, find yourself a new hobby or rediscover the old ones. Not to such an extent that you’d have no room for a relationship in your life as a result (this is actually the case with some people who just have too much to do) but in order to, well, live. Especially when sad thoughts come and you’re feeling low, it’s time to talk to a friend or do something new or get some work done (to take your mind off it, to burn the energy and so on). You can also use the time to grow as a person, in various dimensions, from clearly religious to learning a new skill or a new language or whatever it is.

 

[hopeforfaith]

Thank you so much for your messages, I feel better now. I know that sometimes I magnify things and I live in a world of my own fantasy and my emotions are based on what I imagine. Special thanks to chevalier, it’s good to hear some advice from someone who has been through the same thing.Your advice is really useful
I’ve borrowed a book on how to be happy and right now I’m working on it. However, I don’t know whether I should keep on dreaming about him or just completely ignore him though. Should I keep in touch? But will I be magnifying stuff like this again?

 

[chevalier]

However, I don’t know whether I should keep on dreaming about him or just completely ignore him though.

Neither. Live in reality. Having dreams is one thing, feeding imagination is another. You must accept that you’re interested in him and that he may or may not be interested in you, and that he will have his choice to make.

Should I keep in touch?

Yes but don’t feed your hopes on every single sign or ambiguity, and don’t be at his beck and call (getting out of your way for people is great, allowing them to abuse it is not; say, your neighbour is baking a cake, she comes to borrow some sugar from you… great, but if she stops returning the favour and stops shopping for her own sugar, then it’s not that great, there is a lot of things like this in relationship ). Either of you will have to initiate a conversation if the relationship is going to start, so you can’t rely on half-guessed interpretations of body language or Freudian slips.

 

[Katie966]

You say that you want everything to “happen your way” and that you’re “not ready to let go yet”. I think you might be getting hung up on the priest’s comment that God might “fulfill your wish” gradually. God isn’t a genie- and it seems like that is your approach to this situation. It’s not wrong to ask God for things, but the thing is what you want involves another person’s free will, and God will not change that. I think a better way to approach God about this would be to ask him for peace in your life. Ask him to help you accept whatever happens, and for help focusing on more productive things than agonizing over his Facebook posts.

I’ve been where you are, and so I know what it feels like. I know it’s hard, but right now you’re torturing yourself with fantasies. The fact that you asked whether you should “continue dreaming about him” or not is indicative of that. When you meet someone who you don’t have to wonder about, and don’t have to interpret his words or actions, you’ll realize how easy this all can be. But you have to stop obsessing over this guy in order to get there. I am not trying to be harsh, but the only thing that woke me up when I was in our situation were friends who didn’t let me live inside my head and forced me to be realistic about the situation. I will always be grateful to them for that.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

I have been through what you are going through many times. The difference being that Im a man not a lady lol. But I will get close to women that date and show a lot of interest and give many signs they like me then suddenly they stop communicating or they no longer show the same interest. It really is painful when it goes on or the other puts a stop to it when they notice you have an interest they dont share.

They way I learned to deal with it is to recognize the signs early on and to break as much contact as possible. This helps me since it gets them off my mind and it was a decision I made so it makes it easier to move on and keep looking. I mean what works for me may not work for anyone else but its allowed me to have no relationship baggage or long term hurt feelings or depression.

Just imagine if you feel depressed now, how bad it might get or will still be if it goes on for an extended time. Clearly, it isnt healthy to be depressed and constantly thinking about this.

It is hard to be patient and rational when you have these feelings of love for another. But you need to rise above the thoughts and control yourself so you can be the happy person you are. If this is the way it is now with him, how would marriage be if he kept you in the dark about his feelings? In short he is playing games with you. He shows interest when it suits him but pulls away when you reciprocate. It plays with your mind because thats the game hes playing with you.

 

[chevalier]

I have been through what you are going through many times. The difference being that Im a man not a lady lol. But I will get close to women that date and show a lot of interest and give many signs they like me then suddenly they stop communicating or they no longer show the same interest. It really is painful when it goes on or the other puts a stop to it when they notice you have an interest they dont share.

I know that experience very well. It sounds counterintuitive that women, including women who actually made moves on you first, lose interest the moment you start returning it. It sounds like some kind of sick dynamic. In reality, I suppose the way things happen they get to see (or rather feel) more clearly that they aren’t that much into you (or me), after all, or that the compatibility isn’t there, or that they aren’t ready for a relationship. Such things appear more clearly when you’re on the brink of a relationship than when it was a distant possibility. At least this is my suspicion of what’s really going on.

They way I learned to deal with it is to recognize the signs early on and to break as much contact as possible. This helps me since it gets them off my mind and it was a decision I made so it makes it easier to move on and keep looking. I mean what works for me may not work for anyone else but its allowed me to have no relationship baggage or long term hurt feelings or depression.

I’m curious, have you tried asking them when you spot the signs or do you as a rule always break contact at that point (I presume you just stop any initiative as opposed to complete disappearance)? I’ve done the same in various periods of my life but I have wrongly interpreted some signs on occasions.

 

[hopeforfaith]

So these few days I’ve been trying to live in the now and try to enjoy everything that I have as much as I possibly can. Yes, I now realize that I’ve been treating God like a genie and I probably should have a peaceful attitude towards everything. I have been taking the suggestion that Katie966 gave me and it really puts perspective on things. But there are still quite a few questions that I have:

I will be seeing him a week later because we’re going to have a reunion. I am starting to get scared about this, because I don’t know what he’ll be like. I just don’t want to see him and then have my hopes crushed again even though I’m not holding them up. I am just afraid some of my old emotions will come back to me and I will return to concealing my feelings, which is never a good thing to experience.

Also, I want to try and keep in touch with him. Everytime I see him online, I will sigh and think whether I should message him or not. A good solution to my frustration is setting a deadline, like “On Sunday, I will message him” but again, I’m afraid I will end up in the same old place where I began: analyzing everything he says and getting obsessed.

JoeofCupertino, I’m very interested in what you’re saying as he’s playing a game with me. Do you mean he’s trying to play hard to get or is it just a general tendency of guys when it comes to relationships?

chevalier, I’ve been telling myself about something you said about he’ll have to make the decision, and this is something I tell myself whenever I convince myself that I am not in control of the situation, so it’s no use fantasizing anymore.

Thanks, guys. You’ve really helped me a lot But any ideas to the few questions that I have? Somehow I just feel like sticking to the more positive attitude I have now, instead of risking it.

 

[joshvanrad]

How old are you?

 

[hopeforfaith]

I am sixteen

 

[joshvanrad]

I am sixteen

I have had this problem far too many times in my youth (especially around your age). As I am just now beginning adulthood my advice would be: You are too young to be dealing with such messes. Forget about it and focus inward. Fill your time with your faith and focus on your primary vocation (becoming a saint). Us, boys, are a stupid bunch and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.

God bless,
Joshua

 

[chevalier]

I am sixteen

Unless you’re really in love and need to do something about it, I would forget about dating. Especially about looking for dates on purpose or being active about it. I wish I had been able to follow that kind of advice when I was younger.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Unless you’re really in love and need to do something about it, I would forget about dating. Especially about looking for dates on purpose or being active about it. I wish I had been able to follow that kind of advice when I was younger.

Truer words have never been spoken! OP, I know this hurts and you’re lonely. I have a 16 year old daughter myself. Her desire for love has brought her to many poor decisions and a lot of personal heartache. I pray for you as I do for her: That you will love and value yourself and not seek the approval of a boy for your self esteem. Focus on your studies and your interests…things that will improve YOU regardless of who is or isn’t your friend, boyfriend and so on. Live a full, happy life. You’re far too young to be so sad. God Bless you!

 

[hopeforfaith]

Hey guys, just a bit of an update and looking for some advice…

I’m feeling much better now, though I still feel I’m kind of lost sometimes. I’ve been focusing on my studies, family and friends. Yet some part of me is still hung up about him: like whether I should chat him online just in a friendly matter, not necessarily hoping about anything anymore. But every time I see him online, I feel as if there’s this pressure like I should chat with him. I don’t know why, but it’s part of my subconscious, bothering me all the time. I’m taking this slowly… I’m fine with dealing with short-term things. Still, I wonder what will ever happen if I do see him again. I’m trying to stay calm, but there’s this turmoil inside.

There’s always this debate inside me. A part of me is saying accept the truth that he doesn’t like me anymore. Another part says I’m thinking too much, I don’t even know for sure and I should just forget it. Another part say I should keep on hoping.Then there’s a fear inside me saying “What if there’s no one better? What if I end up alone someday?”. It seems I’m having trouble balancing myself as I am often on an emotional rollar coaster, I am experiencing less “low” parts now.

When I see all these couples on the streets, on tv, or my relatives with their spouse, I wonder how they ever got together in the first place.

I used to believe in soul mates and fate. But now I know there’s no “destined” one for you and you don’t always have a second chance. I feel like I’m more in control now, in a funny way that scares me because I’d rather have someone who will lead my every step. I don’t want to make any decisions… what if I do them wrong? God can help me, but I guess I’m lacking faith here.

Another thing: I’m very guarded about my feelings. I’m starting to fear what if the one I like will never know I like him? What will happen if I try to share my insecurities with others? Will they start rumors? Or worse, tell him? But I know that taking all my feelings up inside isn’t healthy. I need to overcome this fear somehow for my long-term benefit.

I sometimes think back to all the unfulfilled fantasies I have. I am thinking much less about them recently, but whenever I do, I will wonder why I never had a relationship. I always come close, but it never comes. Then the whole cycle of fighting with myself begins again in my subconscious level. I want to avoid the past, and focus about the present. But the present is somehow linked to the future… which leads to one big dilemma.

So the question here is how to truly balance these little parts of me. I trying to avoid this kind of mindset step by step. Any ideas on how to put the past truly aside? Like writing a letter to whom you want to speak to? (I’ve seen this on tv) I know I sound too paradoxical here, but that’s how I truly feel. Once again I appreciate all of you listening to my worries and giving me valuable advice Thanks so much!

 

[joshvanrad]

So the question here is how to truly balance these little parts of me. I trying to avoid this kind of mindset step by step. Any ideas on how to put the past truly aside? Like writing a letter to whom you want to speak to? (I’ve seen this on tv) I know I sound too paradoxical here, but that’s how I truly feel. Once again I appreciate all of you listening to my worries and giving me valuable advice Thanks so much!

Before you can find fulfillment in yourself or from others, you must first find fulfillment in God. Know that even if you never fall in love with someone, that God still loves you more than you could ever know. Realizing that you could never love anything more than God loves you is the first step to being able to truly loving another person in the wholeness of our catholic faith.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Still thinking too much. Too much time on your hands to ponder these things. You are young, you have a lot of time left to find a boyfriend. Go out with friends, volunteer at church, get a hobby, play a sport. Get busy, busy, busy!

You will get MANY chances to love and be loved. you are barely starting out. Don’t be obsessed with any boy. Let them chase you. Don’t even worry about serious dating, you should be too busy to care much!

 

[chevalier]

Hopeforfaith, it’s good to see you’re coping and aren’t being brought down (too much ). You do need to avoid having your mind wonder away to that guy you’re no longer together with. Don’t analyse, don’t bring back memories, go on with your life, don’t repress normal human emotions, though. Take care!

 

[erine]

I think maybe you should focus on being in a relationship with Jesus. He is definitely going to be better than a random guy who acts distant. And if you are called to a holy marriage in the future you will need to be secure in love with God before and during the marriage if it is going to be good. All your fears about finding someone mean you aren’t trusting God to pick someone great for you at the right time. Same with obsessing over details about what to say, to message him or not. God will bring you someone at the right time, if it’s your vocation, who is better than you could have picked, if you ask Him to. And it will be easy to know the guy really wants to be with you, as you get to know him. I’ve been in your shoes but then I realized how much I was comlicatingg it and that if being with someone was really that complicated and difficult, no one would ever be able to do it. you are so young, get really close to Jesus and ask Him about your vocation.