Feeling extremely lonely. How to deal?

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lovedance4ever

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Today I was hit with a feeling of extreme loneliness and now I feel very depressed and lost. Without going into too much detail (and some of you may already know my story from previous posts), I do not have many friends to talk to, and it is also very difficult to speak with family at times.

I will be a junior in college this fall, and after being in school for two years, I still have been unable to make any friends. I have tried by joining groups and making an effort to be friendly and conversational, but nothing has worked. I thought I would be okay, and for a while, I was very accepting of not having any friends. But lately, it has really hit me hard.

My breaking point was last Sunday. Our parish is really messed up, in my opinion (very few people are reverent, and that is an understatement). I sing with the choir, and one thing that has always been a problem is where we sit during the sermon. For some reason, and I have no idea why, it was decided that chairs were going to be put IN FRONT of the Tabernacle. I confronted the choir director with this and how I thought it was irreverent to have our backs to the Tabernacle, and she told me that our priest said it was okay. I did not argue further, but I still felt it was wrong. Since then, I have chosen to quietly sit on the ground or walk to another pew during this time. It feels wrong to have my back to Our Lord.

Well, right next to the organ there was an empty chair and for the past several weeks, I began to use it. I have some joint problems and sometimes sitting on the floor can be painful, especially when there are chords, microphone stands, and music stands surrounding you. After a few weeks of sitting there, they took it away from me and put it with all of the chairs. I was horrified and could not believe that my so called “friends” would do such a thing. I know they did it out of spite, because they did not need an extra chair.

At any rate, last week, I sat in a pew during the sermon. As I was walking back to where we stand, I got in the way of the choir director’s daughter and her immature friend (they are both college age). There are chords everywhere from microphones, etc, and our pathway is very narrow. Well, as they were trying to squeeze past me, they were snickering at me and whispering who knows what to each other. I felt absolutely humiliated and awful. They all think I am arrogant, and their attitudes have changed toward me since this all started. My heart is broken. I cannot even feel happy in Mass anymore (I try to focus very hard, but it can be very difficult at times). I mean, if you cannot even feel safe and accepted at church…

And so that was the last straw.

School has ended for the semester, and that is basically the only joy I have at the moment. It is what I am good at; I love to learn, and I have been able to maintain a 4.0 since I began college. I guess because there is nothing to occupy my mind, I am able to think about this situation more and more. It is difficult to be on summer break when you do not have any friends to hang out with.

I adore my family, but both of my parents have physical disabilities, and because of this, it makes it hard for them to spend time with me. I understand this, do not get me wrong. But after a while, I feel so alone and like there is no one to talk to.

Finally, I try to not let it get to me, and I know I should just forget about it, but not having (and never having had) a boyfriend nags at me. Part of me wonders if it is just friendship I am longing for, and so I feel as if it might be fulfilled in a boyfriend. Either way, I do not feel attractive, and I do not think guys like me.

Please pray for me. This evening has been especially difficult. Everyone has gone to bed for the night, I am all alone, and have no one to talk to. Writing about this on here has been quite helpful actually, but I would truly appreciate your prayers. Advice is always welcome as well, if you have the time.

God bless,

Christa
 
Hi Christa,

I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. You sound very uncomfortable in your parish. Is there a Newman Center at your college, or another parish you could go to instead? Or a convent or monastery with Masses open to the public?
 
Know some of what you’re feeling. I am 38, never been married and pretty much on my own. All of my friends have gotten married and do the “couples nights” now and essentially have no more time for me. It has hit me like a ton of bricks. Being in therapy helps, especially since the shrink is an ordained Catholic deacon and doesn’t charge me. My priest helps as well and offers good advice.

I am, and wish me well, in the beginning phases of just totally redoing my life again. It’s gonna be tough but I know God can help. Feel free to PM me anytime you’re feeling down. I’ll be your friend. God bless and keep fighting.

Richard
 
I understand how you’re feeling. We spent years trying to fit into our parish. We finally gave up & eventually found a new parish. Farther to drive, but worth it.
 
Pray to God, but perhaps you should speak to a professional as well. Your doctor can recommend one. Maybe your priest could as well.
 
Keep in mind that people in general seem more unfriendly, even hostile, than they actually are when we are feeling depressed. You were assuming those girls were laughing at you, and that your chair was taken out of spite, but I doubt either was the case. If we try to think the best of people, we ourselves will be happier. I believe that most people are seldom hurtful on purpose. One suggestion I would give you, for what it’s worth, is to get involved in some kind of exercise and physical activity. Exercise is a powerful antidote for depression. In the meantime, I will say my rosary for you tonight, that God may send you a friend, someone who will be kind to you and to whom you can be kind in return. God bless.
 
Why does your parents having physical disabilities make it hard to spend time with them? You can sit and watch a movie on tv with them cant you?
 
I am sorry you are so alone. When I was a student, I found it next to impossible to have reliable friends. Looking back, there were periods of time I spent being around people but I never felt close to them.

As cliché as this sounds, focus on a relationship with God. People will ALWAYS fail us but God can fill the void. And, you are not the first person I hear speak about the uncharitable things that happen in a church choir. But, speaking the truth in love, if the priest said it was OK to put the chairs in front of the tabernacle and you insist on not sitting there, you are (to some) being seen as the one who is unreasonable. If every time you need to stand up to go sing and you are coming from a different direction than others, it does attract attention on you. Some people resent that (whether they are justified or not)

It is hard and it can hit ay any age. Thanks for coming here and I hope you can find some support here.

Angie
 
I agree with Owensjo, we sometimes feel people are talking about us or doing things to us in spite when we’re feeling down, but look at it a different way. If they are doing these things to you and talking about you, it is them with the issue and you should feel a little sorry for them and their uncharitable ways. All we can do is ‘do unto others as you would have others do unto you’ and be able to feel happy in your self with that.

For various reasons I too have only a small handful of friends and I am unable to leave the house at night in the main because I live alone with my 7yo son. It makes having a social life difficult in the long lonely evenings. But I am a member of some forums such as these where there are people to discuss things with and yes, there are people there who I call friends that I have never met face-to-face. I have played scrabble with them, listened to music and discussed it, debated politics, religion, child rearing, any number of subjects and laughed and enjoyed their stories or even cried with them.

The people you are talking to here could easily be classed as friends. Friends take many forms 🙂
 
I am so sorry. I know how lonely life can be. I have lots of people I know but no real friend, in the way we use the word. My best friend has four legs and tail and is sleeping on my bed right now so I guess I can’t say I am all that alone.

First of all, you are not alone. God is with you, and He will help you I am sure. But what are you more, lonely or humilated? They sometimes feel the same, and know something about that to. If someone tell you “go and find friends” pleace don’t listen. You never find it that way. But go and make friends. Take part in the life of your Church. Help people. Join up to do voluntary work. True friends are those you can help because they may help you.

I will pray for you.
 
You are not alone, Christa. I didn’t have one single friend throughout my 5 years of college. Come to think of it, I don’t recall having any friends in high school, either. It gets easier as you get older. I’m in my 50’s now, and I still don’t have any “friends” in the conventional sense. I’m OK with it.

I find that young people can be very cruel, even if it’s unintentional. Don’t go back to the places and people that make you feel uncomfortable. You might want to try doing “one-on-one” type things to meet people. Things like mentoring, tutoring, home visits to the elderly (many churches have need of this) can make you feel a lot better about life. I find I can’t compete with crowds of people. I do better in small groups, you might too. And pray. Ask God to send you friends. I asked Him to send me a man I could love, and He did! We’ve been together 21 years. God hears you. If he seems not to answer, it’s because he’s got other plans for you right now. Offer up everything, even your loneliness, as a sacrifice. Don’t be too discouraged. Things will get better.
 
I would suggest getting involved in some kind of service work such as St. Vincent De Paul (SVDP). When we find it hard to make friends a good idea is to join a group whose focus is to help others, then the focus is off ourselves and even forming friendships is not the first priority but they will naturally evolve as you work alongside each other.

Also, do you have any activities you enjoy outside church? I second any form of movement or exercise as a stress reliever and mood enhancer. There must be tons of clubs and societies at your school try and see if there’s any kind of activity that you enjoy (film club, hiking, cooking, befriending international students etc.). If you do not find your mood lifting or you find it hard to join other groups of people I would suggest you talk to a counselor in student services and make sure you are not experiencing depression. There any many ways that depression can be helped and you can recover but do not remain isolated, reach out to others and if necessary see a counselor.
 
Pray to St Raphael who is the patron saint of happy friendships,meeting people,relationships etc…Please do search for his prayer in google
Also pray to your Guardian Angel.He is the best “unknown” friend we have
 
Please know that I care and I wish that I could help you in a real and meaningful way. So, I will pray for you and hope that you will find a friend for human companionship but that also you will find this time as an opportunity to grow closer to God. Turn the other cheek and kill them with kindness, this situation with the choir will pass also. We have quite an age difference but I will always be happy to listen to you if you need more than just this thread, just PM me.
 
Oh Christa, I’m so sorry, I kinda know how that feels. I had lots of friends during my 3 years in university, especially some I labelled my best friends ever. Come 2012, the year after our graduation, it’s all changed for the worst.

One got married and sort of cut contact. That one hit me really really hard, as she sort of didn’t want anything to do with me after her engagement. For no good reason. Dunno whether her husband doesn’t rate me…But it left me really lonely. She gave birth in January but hasn’t mentioned a word. So much for being my best friend lol.

And she isn’t the only one. A few more friends have cut contact or have become extremely flakey. :confused:

So last year, no job and no friends, I just gave up on that concept and entered swimming classes, and concentrated on the Olympics. Got my mind off things, till when I finally landed myself a job.

Trust me it still hits home when I come back from work on Saturday and resort to football on the telly, and a whole day at home on Sunday when I return from church. No outings or someone for company. No girlfriend while all your close friends are busy with marriage plans.

I’ve decided just to have fun all by myself, love myself first and be content with myself, and I advise you to do the same. I go to restaurants alone, to exhibitions alone, to movies alone. No need to wait for no one. Are you into sport Christa? Please join one, really really helps.
 
Friend! You could be in the best position of your life. You could be like a rocket on the launch pad, getting ready to BLAST OFF.

Why?

Because Discontent… Unhappiness… Frustration… these are some of the best catalysts for growth known to man. These are like your rocket fuel, and there they sit: plastered inside you waiting for SPARK.

So… what’s going to provide the spark? We have to wait and see. For me, it was realizing that the 9 to 5 lifestyle that schools and colleges promote was a fast track to nowhere. It was a moment where I realized that I couldn’t even afford to buy my wife something simple that she needed. That was when I said enough was enough, and 7 years later, that is the furthest thing from my mind. Success!

What will it be for you, that provides the spark? Maybe it’s already happened?

Friend! There’s an old French proverb that says, Help Yourself And Heaven Will Help You.

Prayer is our connection to God, and that is irreplaceable incredible. However! God has given us free will. Pray indeed, but do not fail to ACT.

Pray for guidance, but then spring into action! Don’t take “no” for an answer- nothing can hold you back. You’re BETTER than that- and you’re WORTH MORE than that.

Aren’t you entitled to being happy? Aren’t you entitled to enjoying your youth? You are! You can!

There may be a time for martyrdom (if we’re so lucky!), but this is not yours! There may be a time for diligently praying and ‘seeing what happens’ - but this is not it!

One part prayer, TWO parts ACTION. You already know what you’d like to change about yourself - we all know what we’d like to change about ourselves. Whatever it is, someone has done it before, and in a healthy way. Follow their lead! Seek them out: books, blogs, in person. Seek them out, and then do exactly what they did. Absolute truth exists, and if they have found success and happiness through God, than theirs is the wisest path!

This is your life - you are responsible for it. It’s your happiness- you are responsible for it. Don’t ever take ‘no’ for an answer.

Strike out: begin today making the changes that you’d like to see in your life. Do so in strict obedience to God, and while praying every step of the way. But do not forget: those steps are YOURS to make.

Friend, this is the first day of your new life. A brand new day: a brand new life!

Go get 'em! We’re here for advice if you need it.
 
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