Feeling guilty about dating two girls

[PatriceA]

Wow. How are you reading that? He kissed one girl and hasn’t gone on a date with the other. The girl he hasn’t gone on the date with IS the “other” that he will date in a few days. Same result! No difference in the sentences.
Yes you can go on dates with different people at different times. You can meet their parents. Meeting parents is not some engagment status.Sometimes you go there to pick someone up or meet to be friendly. You could also have had gone out with a different girl the night before and either she or you didn’t want to kiss. If you kiss, you kiss. Your not married. You haven’t told another girl your in love with her or she is your girlfriend. You are testing matchability. I do not advise going further then some kissing for obvious possible sexual advancment reasons.

I have told a girl on a date, “I’m dating”, If I dated the night before I may say, “the girl I went out the night before lived in so and so place”. If a girl is showing strong interest she may stress the importance of being exclusive. If you agree, you don’t go on other dates. In some cases you may not need to say you went out with someone else. Theres no boyfriend, girlfriend situation. Dating is about seeking, not settling. When you find what you want, you exclusivly date. If someone gets hurt because they liked you but you had interest in someone else, what can you do? Go and pacify them even though you don’t like them romantically? People unfortunately get hurt seeking love or companionship. If you do it intentionally you have issues. It matters if someone is hurt but we are not living in some dytopian world.

I think you’re missing the point though that YOU might feel comfortable dating/kissing/meeting family and friends as you date multiple people at the same time but not everyone in this thread feels that is wise or prudent or comfortable with doing so. The OP seems to be saying he’s struggling with the situation, which was supported by those of us that do not feel it is in the best interests of all the parties involved to date multiple people at the same time. I think those of us were telling him his reaction is quite normal and maybe he should rethink the situation if its making him uncomfortable to date both of these girls. His conscience seems to be speaking to him, why would you continue to tell him to ignore what is bothering him by telling him to do what his gut is telling him not to do just because you feel totally comfortable dating multiple people?

 

[Patavium]

Wow. How are you reading that? He kissed one girl and hasn’t gone on a date with the other. The girl he hasn’t gone on the date with IS the “other” that he will date in a few days. Same result! No difference in the sentences.
Yes you can go on dates with different people at different times. You can meet their parents. Meeting parents is not some engagment status.Sometimes you go there to pick someone up or meet to be friendly. You could also have had gone out with a different girl the night before and either she or you didn’t want to kiss. If you kiss, you kiss. Your not married. You haven’t told another girl your in love with her or she is your girlfriend. You are testing matchability. I do not advise going further then some kissing for obvious possible sexual advancment reasons.

I have told a girl on a date, “I’m dating”, If I dated the night before I may say, “the girl I went out the night before lived in so and so place”. If a girl is showing strong interest she may stress the importance of being exclusive. If you agree, you don’t go on other dates. In some cases you may not need to say you went out with someone else. Theres no boyfriend, girlfriend situation. Dating is about seeking, not settling. When you find what you want, you exclusivly date. If someone gets hurt because they liked you but you had interest in someone else, what can you do? Go and pacify them even though you don’t like them romantically? People unfortunately get hurt seeking love or companionship. If you do it intentionally you have issues. It matters if someone is hurt but we are not living in some dytopian world.

I see , perhaps I was too quick with that sentence

Now, I see your beliefs towards dating are essentially:

“Yes I am ok with dating multiple girls, and kissing them/holding hand/meeting parents/ and all that, and later telling some of them I changed my mind, until I finally stay with the one girl or continue adding more girls I meet until I finally find the one”.

I disagree with this view on dating. I don’t recommend it.

God bless!

 

[johnnyjones]

I think you’re missing the point though that YOU might feel comfortable dating/kissing/meeting family and friends as you date multiple people at the same time but not everyone in this thread feels that is wise or prudent or comfortable with doing so. The OP seems to be saying he’s struggling with the situation, which was supported by those of us that do not feel it is in the best interests of all the parties involved to date multiple people at the same time. I think those of us were telling him his reaction is quite normal and maybe he should rethink the situation if its making him uncomfortable to date both of these girls. His conscience seems to be speaking to him, why would you continue to tell him to ignore what is bothering him by telling him to do what his gut is telling him not to do just because you feel totally comfortable dating multiple people?

I understand the OPs question. He has some guilt because he is seemingly not used to dating. Long stretches with one girl or guy gives you a feeling that you must be exclusive only because that’s/what you had. Dating is not exclusivity by nature so therefor he has guilt because he feels like hes “cheating”. Thats the conscience problem, but it is based in his human desire to be with one only. Not everybody is cut out for dating several people. I told him to date both because there is no commitment to either.

This is a learning process for all. If he can’t deal with it he will choose one girl over the other which is what dating is anyway. You have your opinions and this is an open forum. A man needs to test the waters and meet a variety of women. If its too much he will bail. No, it’s not about me your wrong. It’s about a man making choices.

 

[thewanderer]

I understand the OPs question. He has some guilt because he is seemingly not used to dating. Long stretches with one girl or guy gives you a feeling that you must be exclusive only because that’s/what you had. Dating is not exclusivity by nature so therefor he has guilt because he feels like hes “cheating”. Thats the conscience problem, but it is based in his human desire to be with one only. Not everybody is cut out for dating several people. I told him to date both because there is no commitment to either.

This is a learning process for all. If he can’t deal with it he will choose one girl over the other which is what dating is anyway. You have your opinions and this is an open forum. A man needs to test the waters and meet a variety of women. If its too much he will bail. No, it’s not about me your wrong. It’s about a man making choices.

I would just like to point out that the OP believes that both girls are under the impression that it is an exclusive relationship, which is where the real problem comes in. He **absolutely **has to tell them that it isn’t. It is not fair to them to allow them to continue to assume that it is an exclusive relationship only to have them discover down the road once they are even more invested that it was never mutual in the first place.

To be honest, I would never take your approach to dating myself, nor would I like to date someone who did, but ultimately I might be ok with someone doing this so long as they were crystal clear that it was a non-exclusive relationship, and were absolutely certain that the people they were dating were not taking it as more than that. If they start to treat it as exclusive you would have to man-up and either commit exclusively or break up with them, because otherwise you would be leading them on. Basically, I see it as a really dangerous path wherein it would be too easy to keep oneself closed up which not only has the potential to hurt those you date who expect and deserve you to open up with them and truly give them a chance, it can also ruin your own chances of actually opening up when the right one comes along, whether through habit or fear or through a lack of ability to get to know them enough. I just see too many potential problems with this view to dating so I will never suggest it to others, but if they are determined to do so they need to go out of their way to make sure the people they are dating know it is not exclusively or else they will be culpable for the extra hurt this will cause.

 

[johnnyjones]

I would just like to point out that the OP believes that both girls are under the impression that it is an exclusive relationship, which is where the real problem comes in. He **absolutely **has to tell them that it isn’t. It is not fair to them to allow them to continue to assume that it is an exclusive relationship only to have them discover down the road once they are even more invested that it was never mutual in the first place.

To be honest, I would never take your approach to dating myself, nor would I like to date someone who did, but ultimately I might be ok with someone doing this so long as they were crystal clear that it was a non-exclusive relationship, and were absolutely certain that the people they were dating were not taking it as more than that. If they start to treat it as exclusive you would have to man-up and either commit exclusively or break up with them, because otherwise you would be leading them on. Basically, I see it as a really dangerous path wherein it would be too easy to keep oneself closed up which not only has the potential to hurt those you date who expect and deserve you to open up with them and truly give them a chance, it can also ruin your own chances of actually opening up when the right one comes along, whether through habit or fear or through a lack of ability to get to know them enough. I just see too many potential problems with this view to dating so I will never suggest it to others, but if they are determined to do so they need to go out of their way to make sure the people they are dating know it is not exclusively or else they will be culpable for the extra hurt this will cause.

The Op believes the girls think it is exclusive but he could be wrong. There is nothing definitive there. I wouldn’t make these girls out to be some sheltered novices. You don’t understand dating I feel. I can only draw from your writings that you should single out one person and put much energy into that person. I don’t know at what point you decide if this is good for you. A boyfriend or a girlfriend status is exclusive. Why is seeing a person even over a three week span once a week an exclusive relationship?. If you both feel it is exclusive, then carry on that way.

The OP describes early stage dating and I don’t even know how old he is. I met a girl in a personal ad years ago and the second time I was with her we drove to her brothers house where her parents happened to be, along with friends. Yes I met them and it did not mean exclusive. Things like this occur in life. Whats there to man up about? The Op didn’t even go on the date with the other girl yet. The expression “I’m dating now” means your out checking people out. You put your energies into one person when you know it.'s what you want. You shouldn’t feel bad that you dated another girl for one night or more, wheres the verbal commitment?

The modern world of internet dating for one would not compute with your style. You receive several matches. Not that I like it or use it anymore because I’m settled.

 

[thewanderer]

The Op believes the girls think it is exclusive but he could be wrong.

Yes, he could be wrong, but he could be right. The main point I have been trying to get across is that he knows that if he is right he will be leading them on and deceiving them through omission and ultimately causing at least one of them, most likely both, a whole lot of pain and suffering. Since he might be right he needs be advised that if he wishes to continue dating both of them he absolutely has to make sure they are both aware that it is a non-exclusive relationship, I would even go so far as to say he should let them know he is also currently seeing another girl. I know that I would consider this very basic information which I am owed by anyone I date if it continues for any length of time and I would be very hurt and feel betrayed by someone who withheld this information from me. I know I am not alone in feeling this way about it. So to be sure the OP can’t just continue to date the two, he has to make sure they both know the relationship is non-exclusive.

There is nothing definitive there. I wouldn’t make these girls out to be some sheltered novices. You don’t understand dating I feel. I can only draw from your writings that you should single out one person and put much energy into that person.

I like to think that I know a fair bit, actually. And no, I am not suggesting that one must always just choose some random person and then go whole-hog until it obviously falls apart. What I am suggesting is that there are levels of relationships and certain kinds of emotional and romantic attatchments are really made for exclusive relationships and actually imply that there is a certain level of commitment and exclusivity. I could possibly see myself, (If I were to re-enter the dating pool) going on a date with someone, agreeing to go again, and in the meantime meeting someone else and setting up a date with them, and even continuing to meet both of these for a short period of time. but once one is through with the basics of getting to know someone and figuring out whether or not you are attracted to them one cannot embark on furthering the relationship through developing the emotional and romantic attatchment unless one decides to become exclusive. At this point it can still be a casual relationship, aimed at marriage of course, but only in a remote way, for now it is still about the people getting to know each other in a more serious, I actually do really like you and I am willing to consider getting married to you kind of way. I don’t know whether or not you are actually promoting developing romantic feelings for more than one person at a time, but I can assure you this is not a good or helpful practice in the field of dating, it is somewhat dishonest because of the level of exclusivity naturally implied by the romantic relationship, and will end up hurting many more people than was truly necessary.

I don’t know at what point you decide if this is good for you. A boyfriend or a girlfriend status is exclusive. Why is seeing a person even over a three week span once a week an exclusive relationship?. If you both feel it is exclusive, then carry on that way.

It is not necessarily an exclusive relationship, but it certainly well can be, even if the couple has not yet explicitly defined it as such. It depends, as I noted above, on the state of the emotional/romantic relationship involved.

The OP describes early stage dating and I don’t even know how old he is. I met a girl in a personal ad years ago and the second time I was with her we drove to her brothers house where her parents happened to be, along with friends. Yes I met them and it did not mean exclusive. Things like this occur in life. Whats there to man up about? The Op didn’t even go on the date with the other girl yet. The expression “I’m dating now” means your out checking people out. You put your energies into one person when you know it.'s what you want. You shouldn’t feel bad that you dated another girl for one night or more, wheres the verbal commitment?

The modern world of internet dating for one would not compute with your style. You receive several matches. Not that I like it or use it anymore because I’m settled.

One night is obviously fine. I am not promoting some extreme pick at random and then thats it, your stuck with it kind of attitude to dating.

The problem is that this isn’t something one can define by the number of dates or the length of time people have known each other, some relationships develop faster than others. What matters is the emotional and romantic involvement and, in this case, the fact that it is very possible that the OP is purposefully deceiving both girls he is dating about the very nature of his relationship with them. That is not ok. To be honest, I am very surprized that you can’t see this. It really makes me wonder if it is not you who does not know as much as they think about dating. It simply is not ok to deceive others about ones relationship status with them. If one who is dating multiple people at the same time has reason to believe that they both think they are in an exclusive relationship with him, then to keep silent on the fact that the relationship is not, in fact, exclusive on his side is downright immoral. I honestly don’t understand why you dont see this.

 

[lerapt78]

Also, my first thought on reading your subject line is that this sounds like something out of a 1980s sitcom. If you do date both girls, just be careful not to agree to make dinner for both of them on the same night in two different apartments in the same building. And if you have a friend named Larry who is a used car salesman, don’t let him rope you into a blind date with yet another girl at the same time. You just might end up getting food dumped all over you, like Jack Tripper in this Three’s Company episode.

LOVE that show. In fact, I just finished watching the “Out on a limb” episode I had recorded with my DVR last night. about 1/2 an hour ago

 

[PatriceA]

I understand the OPs question. He has some guilt because he is seemingly not used to dating. Long stretches with one girl or guy gives you a feeling that you must be exclusive only because that’s/what you had. Dating is not exclusivity by nature so therefor he has guilt because he feels like hes “cheating”. Thats the conscience problem, but it is based in his human desire to be with one only. Not everybody is cut out for dating several people. I told him to date both because there is no commitment to either.

This is a learning process for all. If he can’t deal with it he will choose one girl over the other which is what dating is anyway. You have your opinions and this is an open forum. A man needs to test the waters and meet a variety of women. If its too much he will bail. No, it’s not about me your wrong. It’s about a man making choices.

Why is this a “man needs” issue? You don’t think that the two girls would like to meet a variety of dates as well? The girls involved can’t make choices too?

This isn’t about meeting a variety of women, or men if the OP was a woman. This is about everyone involved in this situation not having all the information such as neither girl being aware that the other exists. Its not about a man making choices, its about being forthcoming and not deceiving someone you are dating, either consciously or subconsciously, by implying that a dating situation may be exlusive. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. The situation can easily be solved if the OP is truthful with both girls that he’s seeing multiple people and he owes it to both of them so then either girl can decide if she’s ok with that or if she’s not comfortable with dating a guy that wants to see other people. I would feel deceived if I was one of the girls, not so much that its not an exlusive situation, but that I had only half the story and I was making decisions concerning dating this guy without knowing all the facts.

 

[johnnyjones]

Yes, he could be wrong, but he could be right. The main point I have been trying to get across is that he knows that if he is right he will be leading them on and deceiving them through omission and ultimately causing at least one of them, most likely both, a whole lot of pain and suffering. Since he might be right he needs be advised that if he wishes to continue dating both of them he absolutely has to make sure they are both aware that it is a non-exclusive relationship, I would even go so far as to say he should let them know he is also currently seeing another girl. I know that I would consider this very basic information which I am owed by anyone I date if it continues for any length of time and I would be very hurt and feel betrayed by someone who withheld this information from me. I know I am not alone in feeling this way about it. So to be sure the OP can’t just continue to date the two, he has to make sure they both know the relationship is non-exclusive.

I like to think that I know a fair bit, actually. And no, I am not suggesting that one must always just choose some random person and then go whole-hog until it obviously falls apart. What I am suggesting is that there are levels of relationships and certain kinds of emotional and romantic attatchments are really made for exclusive relationships and actually imply that there is a certain level of commitment and exclusivity. I could possibly see myself, (If I were to re-enter the dating pool) going on a date with someone, agreeing to go again, and in the meantime meeting someone else and setting up a date with them, and even continuing to meet both of these for a short period of time. but once one is through with the basics of getting to know someone and figuring out whether or not you are attracted to them one cannot embark on furthering the relationship through developing the emotional and romantic attatchment unless one decides to become exclusive. At this point it can still be a casual relationship, aimed at marriage of course, but only in a remote way, for now it is still about the people getting to know each other in a more serious, I actually do really like you and I am willing to consider getting married to you kind of way. I don’t know whether or not you are actually promoting developing romantic feelings for more than one person at a time, but I can assure you this is not a good or helpful practice in the field of dating, it is somewhat dishonest because of the level of exclusivity naturally implied by the romantic relationship, and will end up hurting many more people than was truly necessary.

It is not necessarily an exclusive relationship, but it certainly well can be, even if the couple has not yet explicitly defined it as such. It depends, as I noted above, on the state of the emotional/romantic relationship involved.

One night is obviously fine. I am not promoting some extreme pick at random and then thats it, your stuck with it kind of attitude to dating.

The problem is that this isn’t something one can define by the number of dates or the length of time people have known each other, some relationships develop faster than others. What matters is the emotional and romantic involvement and, in this case, the fact that it is very possible that the OP is purposefully deceiving both girls he is dating about the very nature of his relationship with them. That is not ok. To be honest, I am very surprized that you can’t see this. It really makes me wonder if it is not you who does not know as much as they think about dating. It simply is not ok to deceive others about ones relationship status with them. If one who is dating multiple people at the same time has reason to believe that they both think they are in an exclusive relationship with him, then to keep silent on the fact that the relationship is not, in fact, exclusive on his side is downright immoral. I honestly don’t understand why you dont see this.

There is much missing from this Ops original info. I will concede based on what you wrote that if they believe the relationship is exclusive they should be told. I am “arguing” more from the vantage point of defining exclusivity. I said in my opening post that he should date both but not to lie. I just didn’t see exclusivity with meeting parents as you have because he seemed young and parental meetings are common even on a first date sometimes. You must understand that in the current climate dating is fast paced (unfortunately ) due to limit time and PC style meetups. I see a man as going out into the world and getting maximum exposure to women so he can see what he really wants. Some decide quickly but many need encounters that may span weeks.

You shouldn’t seek to hurt anyone but please lets remember that some people make a major catastrophy over a two date scenario and you can’t please everyone. Dating can be hard and painful. I don’t see locking emotions quickly as beneficial. A friendship is really what you are trying to develop leading further. I know dating , believe me and it is not always cookie cutter clean. But if someone is being genuinely deceived, your right that should be advised.

 

[johnnyjones]

Why is this a “man needs” issue? You don’t think that the two girls would like to meet a variety of dates as well? The girls involved can’t make choices too?

This isn’t about meeting a variety of women, or men if the OP was a woman. This is about everyone involved in this situation not having all the information such as neither girl being aware that the other exists. Its not about a man making choices, its about being forthcoming and not deceiving someone you are dating, either consciously or subconsciously, by implying that a dating situation may be exlusive. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. The situation can easily be solved if the OP is truthful with both girls that he’s seeing multiple people and he owes it to both of them so then either girl can decide if she’s ok with that or if she’s not comfortable with dating a guy that wants to see other people. I would feel deceived if I was one of the girls, not so much that its not an exlusive situation, but that I had only half the story and I was making decisions concerning dating this guy without knowing all the facts.

Your right, its not a mans issue. I never felt enough info on the girls in this thread was evident. Who knows the females motives in this. I said from my first post the girls should not be lied to though but that he should date both. If they believe they are exclusive which really hasn’t been determined, they should be informed.

 

[PatriceA]

There is much missing from this Ops original info. I will concede based on what you wrote that if they believe the relationship is exclusive they should be told. I am “arguing” more from the vantage point of defining exclusivity. I said in my opening post that he should date both but not to lie. I just didn’t see exclusivity with meeting parents as you have because he seemed young and parental meetings are common even on a first date sometimes. You must understand that in the current climate dating is fast paced (unfortunately ) due to limit time and PC style meetups. I see a man as going out into the world and getting maximum exposure to women so he can see what he really wants. Some decide quickly but many need encounters that may span weeks.

You shouldn’t seek to hurt anyone but please lets remember that some people make a major catastrophy over a two date scenario and you can’t please everyone. Dating can be hard and painful. I don’t see locking emotions quickly as beneficial. A friendship is really what you are trying to develop leading further. I know dating , believe me and it is not always cookie cutter clean. But if someone is being genuinely deceived, your right that should be advised.

OR dating can be wonderous and amazing and lead to a very successful marriage in a matter of months. I am sure there are MANY of us that know dating, you are not the only one that has experiences with dating and relationships. Please don’t think just because I or someone else is not agreeing with you, that we don’t have a frame of reference from which to speak from.

 

[thewanderer]

There is much missing from this Ops original info. I will concede based on what you wrote that if they believe the relationship is exclusive they should be told. I am “arguing” more from the vantage point of defining exclusivity. I said in my opening post that he should date both but not to lie. I just didn’t see exclusivity with meeting parents as you have because he seemed young and parental meetings are common even on a first date sometimes. You must understand that in the current climate dating is fast paced (unfortunately ) due to limit time and PC style meetups. I see a man as going out into the world and getting maximum exposure to women so he can see what he really wants. Some decide quickly but many need encounters that may span weeks.

You shouldn’t seek to hurt anyone but please lets remember that some people make a major catastrophy over a two date scenario and you can’t please everyone. Dating can be hard and painful. I don’t see locking emotions quickly as beneficial. A friendship is really what you are trying to develop leading further. I know dating , believe me and it is not always cookie cutter clean. But if someone is being genuinely deceived, your right that should be advised.

Ok, first, I never defined the turning point of exclusivity as ‘meeting the parents’. So I think you might be confusing me with others, although I think the main thing that others objected to was the fact that kissing has become involved. Which, to be honest, also raises alarm bells for me in a non-exclusive relationship.

Second, of course there are some people who get overly involved emotionally before it is warranted by either words or deeds and of course one should not spend their life worying about how they may have hurt such a person. I never said or implied any such thing.

We are apparantly pretyy much in agreement, so long as you recognize that certain actions, whether intended or not, convey the impression of a certain level of comitment and exclusivity and it would be wrong to engage in them if one was dating multiple people without subsequently breaking up with the others.

 

[johnnyjones]

PatriceA:
OR dating can be wonderous and amazing and lead to a very successful marriage in a matter of months. I am sure there are MANY of us that know dating, you are not the only one that has experiences with dating and relationships. Please don’t think just because I or someone else is not agreeing with you, that we don’t have a frame of reference from which to speak from.Why would I think that? I’m not living in a closet. I just think your experiences are different and men are just not the same as women in their outlook sometimes, believe it or not.

I only said I know dating because another poster referenced their “ifs” with dating experience.

 

[johnnyjones]

Ok, first, I never defined the turning point of exclusivity as ‘meeting the parents’. So I think you might be confusing me with others, although I think the main thing that others objected to was the fact that kissing has become involved. Which, to be honest, also raises alarm bells for me in a non-exclusive relationship.

Second, of course there are some people who get overly involved emotionally before it is warranted by either words or deeds and of course one should not spend their life worying about how they may have hurt such a person. I never said or implied any such thing.

We are apparantly pretyy much in agreement, so long as you recognize that certain actions, whether intended or not, convey the impression of a certain level of comitment and exclusivity and it would be wrong to engage in them if one was dating multiple people without subsequently breaking up with the others.

Yes ma’am.

 

[nute]

Commitment is not a feeling, a marriage commitment is a life long covenant. But our OP is only talking about dating. That is pretty broad because there are different kinds of dating. There is dating to get to know how to talk to women and who is out there, a kind of dating where you should never get serious. There is dating someone you know a little bit about to see if she’s a possibility. Another dating category is the serious dating category. If OP you are entering the serious dating category, you need someone close
to you who knows you and your situation to guide you. Love really is blind where science has proven that chemical changes occur in the brain to drive you towards a woman you are falling for.

Meeting the parents and observing her relationship with them can indicate whether or not the OP should continue dating her. If he can rule out one of the two women, problem solved.

The decision to become exclusive is a difficult one that should be made carefully. Unfortunately, one is probably not completely objective when the time comes to
make this decision. Involve your parents if you have a good relationship with them.
Barring that, involve an: aunt, uncle, or grandparent. These people are older
and probably know more about relationships.

My advice to the OP is to take this to a priest and possibly the confessional if he thinks he has led one or both of these women on. There are questions that should be asked of the OP in private in confidence. If you even think you have sinned but you haven’t, confession is still a sacrament that is very powerful. Don’t be overly scrupulous OP, but especially when you are dating you need to connect tightly with the Lord.

I don’t know enough about your situation OP to meaningfully suggest what you should do going forward. Be sensitive to these women’s feelings and your own as well. Clarify with them that the relationships aren’t serious if a priest tells you to do that. What you should not do is date two women simultaneously in the serious pre engagement category.

I can’t emphasize strongly enough OP, look to family and a priest you feel comfortable with for advice and guidance.

 

[johnnyjones]

Commitment is not a feeling, a marriage commitment is a life long covenant. But our OP is only talking about dating. That is pretty broad because there are different kinds of dating. There is dating to get to know how to talk to women and who is out there, a kind of dating where you should never get serious. There is dating someone you know a little bit about to see if she’s a possibility. Another dating category is the serious dating category. If OP you are entering the serious dating category, you need someone close
to you who knows you and your situation to guide you. Love really is blind where science has proven that chemical changes occur in the brain to drive you towards a woman you are falling for.

Meeting the parents and observing her relationship with them can indicate whether or not the OP should continue dating her. If he can rule out one of the two women, problem solved.

The decision to become exclusive is a difficult one that should be made carefully. Unfortunately, one is probably not completely objective when the time comes to
make this decision. Involve your parents if you have a good relationship with them.
Barring that, involve an: aunt, uncle, or grandparent. These people are older
and probably know more about relationships.

My advice to the OP is to take this to a priest and possibly the confessional if he thinks he has led one or both of these women on. There are questions that should be asked of the OP in private in confidence. If you even think you have sinned but you haven’t, confession is still a sacrament that is very powerful. Don’t be overly scrupulous OP, but especially when you are dating you need to connect tightly with the Lord.

I don’t know enough about your situation OP to meaningfully suggest what you should do going forward. Be sensitive to these women’s feelings and your own as well. Clarify with them that the relationships aren’t serious if a priest tells you to do that. What you should not do is date two women simultaneously in the serious pre engagement category.

I can’t emphasize strongly enough OP, look to family and a priest you feel comfortable with for advice and guidance.

Excellent contribution to the thread.

 

[daisybee]

OP,
Interesting question. I’m wondering what you view as the purpose for dating. Are you dating as a way to enjoy companionship? Are you dating as means of actively discerning who might be the person to be your wife (assuming you’ve already determined your vocation is marriage)?

If haven’t really discerned/prayed about/talked to people about/considered your vocation, I’d start with that. Having peace about what God wants for you will be foundation for future happiness.

If you’re dating with an aim of marriage, you may want to consider the approach of Catholic courtship, which is quite different than what we normally think of as dating. There’s an article about it here: catholic.org/diocese/diocese_story.php?id=23014

Regarding kissing, my parish priest used to say, “Don’t say more with your body than you mean with your heart.” So if you’re kissing, just getting caught up in the moment, maybe because she leaned in toward you a little, well… you may want to consider what your true feelings are toward her, what the true extent of your regard for her is.

Peace.

 

[nute]

The woman you have the date with who you’ve known for a long time, can you talk to her about whether or not she wants a serious relationship with you? Sounds like this other
woman is a friend and she may want to remain a friend.

Kissing does not mean marriage, but it does trigger personal bonding in your brain.
Kissing at the end of a date is not uncommon though.

If you kissed woman one in a moment of passion, don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t feel so guilty that you don’t connect with a priest and your own family to properly evaluate your romantic relationships. The woman you choose to get serious with, that is a major lifetime decision.

Consider a cool down period of a week or two, maybe a month Love when it’s real doesn’t disappear in a month.

 

[thewanderer]

Yes ma’am.

 

[FeelingGuilty]

Just an update for those still reading the thread. This blew up in my face. Don’t want to go into details, but to anyone who’s thinking about dating more than one girl at a time, think twice, think long and hard before you do this.