Feeling hatred towards my sister

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EtCaritas

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My parents raised my siblings and I to be very loving, and that has generally been the case in our family. Conflict is rare in our house, especially compared to other families we know. There has been an exception to this that has haunted me for years, though, which I’ve never really thought to look into as an actual psychological problem.

Starting when I was about ten, I decided (based on what I’d learned from pop culture and my peers) that it wasn’t cool to like my little sister. It started out pretty minor, but quickly progressed into something absolutely awful. For one, I absolutely could not sit by my sister or be around her at all. I would go out of my way to be as far from her as possible at restaurants and at mass, and I would only feel comfortable if I was far enough away from her by my standards. I feel like exploding inside when I sit by her - it’s simply unbearable. I say the nastiest things to her and fantasize about hurting her. I would hit her, sometimes for the most insignificant things or no reason at all. Small things that she does like humming or fluffing her pillow are simply unbearable to me - it can be sheer torture. I have this feeling of hatred for her, which I can’t seem to control, but I don’t really hate her. She’s my sister and I love her. I think about the absolutely horrible ways I’ve treated her and feel a deep regret, but at the same time, I can’t stop. Being around her makes me writhe in pain on the inside.

There must be something wrong with me. I talked to a psychiatrist about it and, from what I told him, he brushed it off as sibling rivalry. I think it’s much more than that. It has gotten better in recent years, but I still hit phases where it comes roaring back. What can I do? What is wrong with me? How can I overcome this hated feeling of hatred that I have for my sister?
 
You have, amongst other things, created a habit of hostility and hate towards your poor sister.
Just as you established this habit by repeated unkind and hateful thoughts and acts, then, whatever you are feeling at any time, you need to create a habit of being kind, in little ways every day.

Try to see good things in her, though hopefully she is not too damaged by the hurt you have long caused her, for you to be able to see good things in her. May God help you both towards a loving relationship.

As Saint John of the Cross wrote:
"Where there is no love, put love, and you will find love.”

You have injured yourself as well as her, by numerous blows.
Please God your sister can recover from the emotional abuse and rejection you have unleashed on her,
and please God you also can recover.

God bless you both. It’s good that you want to change your relationship to a kind, loving one. Try not to become impatient with yourself if at times you fail to be kind. Every day is a new day to try again.
 
You need to start with ejecting every drop of respect you have for popular culture on matters of family, or really, anything else. It’s entirely irrelevant if the know-nothing peers in your life think it’s uncool to like your sister. If somebody wants to indulge in their own misery by hating their siblings, then that is their choice. Don’t be intimidated by that and don’t concede to it. The 2nd paragraph will mean very little if you’re going to continue to view such opinions as a trustworthy source of moral authority.

You have trained yourself to hate, and you can untrain yourself to hate. You didn’t become this way overnight and you’re probably not going to undo it overnight either. It happens one day at a time. Force yourself to do things that you know are right but you do not find comfortable. Behave charitably with her, even if your feelings aren’t inspiring you to behave that way. Don’t sit there attempting to instantly manufacture feelings of warmth towards her. You know what is right and what is wrong, so do what is right. Say a prayer for her at night. If these feelings of disgust rise up in you, then say a prayer in the moment. Rinse and repeat, over and over. Persevere.
 
I would definitely go to adoration and ask our father to heal you from all these feelings and thoughts. Ask him and he will deliver. There are also special masses at every Parish which heal the sick, they also heal the sick in spirit. Adoration is very powerful since there is the presence of our father! You can feel it, and he liberates you all, mind and spirit.

God Bless you, and may grant you the peace you are asking for.
 
EtCaritas said:
My parents raised my siblings and I to be very loving, and that has generally been the case in our family. Conflict is rare in our house, especially compared to other families we know. There has been an exception to this that has haunted me for years, though, which I’ve never really thought to look into as an actual psychological problem.

Starting when I was about ten, I decided (based on what I’d learned from pop culture and my peers) that it wasn’t cool to like my little sister. It started out pretty minor, but quickly progressed into something absolutely awful. For one, I absolutely could not sit by my sister or be around her at all. I would go out of my way to be as far from her as possible at restaurants and at mass, and I would only feel

comfortable if I was far enough away from her by my standards. I feel

like exploding inside when I sit by her - it’s simply unbearable. I say the

nastiest things to her and fantasize about hurting her. I would hit her,

sometimes for the most insignificant things or no reason at all. Small
things that she does like humming or fluffing her pillow are simply
unbearable to me - it can be sheer torture. I have this feeling of hatred

for her, which I can’t seem to control, but I don’t really hate her. She’s

my sister and I love her. I think about the absolutely horrible ways I’ve
treated her and feel a deep regret, but at the same time, I can’t stop.
Being around her makes me writhe in pain on the inside.quote:shrug:

you do need to see ad priest, what you are describing ls a dark spirit that is making you feel this way.
you may one day lose control and reslly harm her.
you are possed at this point.
please ee a priest.

There must be something wrong with me. I talked to a psychiatrist about it and, from what I told him, he brushed it off as sibling rivalry. I think it’s much more than that. It has gotten better in recent years, but I still hit phases where it comes roaring back. What can I do? What is wrong with me? How can I overcome this hated feeling of hatred that I have for my sister?
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justforme23:
I am sorry, my tablet would not let me scrawl down your post so I posted in the middle of yiur post.

you have a spiritual problem and you must talk to a priest.
you have a dark spirit that is controlling your feelings.
please get help before you harm your sister.
you must see a priest.
 
Hello,

I have felt as you feel towards one of my brothers (I am one of 5 children). As you describe, it got better as you got older and will continue to do so. Firmly turn your back on these dark emotions and cultivate a good relationship with your sister. Call her up regularly to ‘shoot the breeze’ - take time to listen to her and really listen - it’s impossible to truly hate those we strive to be connected to.

As to your ‘dark feelings’, I suggest you pour these out to your Priest in confession. These hard thought are like a handful of cinders; if you hide them in your hand they will continue to burn. Leave them in the confessional and they will grow cold and die, as they should.

As the years pass and you and you sister experience raising your own families, shared grief and life’s journey, you will grow closer; I promise. My brother and I murdered each other growing up but are as close as can be now. 🙂

God bless you,

Jenny
 
EtCaritas said:
What can I do? What is wrong with me? How can I overcome this hated feeling of hatred that I have for my sister?
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What is probably wrong is that you have a bad mental and emotional habit. You have taught yourself to dislike her and avoid her. You’ve rehearsed these thoughts over and over and worn them into your mind. That means that this is not going to be easy to overcome.

The way to break a bad habit is not to beat yourself up about it, however. The way to break a bad habit is to find a good habit (or habits) to replace it. When you find yourself rehearsing these negative thoughts, you need to look for a positive thought that you want to replace the negative ones that you don’t want. You may decide that whenever you think of how you dislike your sister, you are going to follow that with the thought that God overlooks your offenses and loves you anyway, and that you are going to love your sister in gratitude for how God loves you. When you think of her imperfections, you might think of how God already sees her made perfect, with all those things wiped away, and you yourself made perfect so that the faults of others do not bother you. And so on. Try on different positive faults until you find ones that “resonate” with your good side. Your habitual side will resist you; do not worry about that. It is like how you huff and puff and hurt when you are trying to work out when you have let your body get out of shape. Expect it, and expect to have to work through it.

Your sister has undoubtedly noticed how you treat her, but she will also begin to notice that you have started to choose to sit next to her, have chosen to greet her first, and so on. If she ever asks about it, tell her that you let this bad habit grow up, that it had nothing to do with her, she didn’t deserve it, and you are very sorry. Still, improve how you treat her first, and let that soften her for the apology. I think that will work the best for you.

Do not neglect to ask for God’s help to change, and to ask your guardian angel for help whenever you are tempted to backslide. This is a work for God to do in you, not a DIY job. If you look for God’s help, God will help you. If God is helping you, the devil will be made to flee unless God sees fit to let him around as a sparring partner to help God to form you. As an earlier poster noted, regular confession is essential. Expect this to take awhile, though. Stick with it, fight the good fight, with God on your side.

This is how DIY jobs go: “When an unclean spirit goes out of someone, it roams through arid regions searching for rest but, finding none, it says, ‘I shall return to my home from which I came.’ But upon returning, it finds it swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and brings back seven other spirits more wicked than itself who move in and dwell there, and the last condition of that person is worse than the first.” Luke 11:24-26 If God guards your soul, it is well-guarded. If you guard it yourself, it will be a house of pride beckoning spirits of pride. Avoid that, at all costs, and you will do well.
 
EtCaritas said:
Starting when I was about ten, I decided (based on what I’d learned from pop culture and my peers) that it wasn’t cool to like my little sister.
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With all due respect I think you are putting the cart before the horse. When a 10 year old lives in the same house as their sibling, they would not let pop culture influence them into not liking their sister. I think for some reason, you did not like your sister and when you were 10 and becoming aware of pop culture you decided to use that to justify mistreating her.

So… I suggest trying to figure out why you did not like her in the first place and then moving on from there
 
My sister and I fought horribly as children. We were also told it was just sibling rivalry. But, both of us know it wasn’t. I have scars from her doing “rose gardens” and “Indian burns”. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had bite marks. My sister mentally abused me to the point that it was crippling.

Ironically enough, we are grown, have our own families, and are very close. We chat alot and joke about all of the weird things we have in common (like how similar our husbands are).

This is what was going on in our case. My sister was terrified of being like our dad who was labeled “Insane” when we were children. I was not a normal child, not even close, I had ticks and did strange things. She would pin me with the same label, nothing I could do would be considered normal by her. It was a coping mechanism. She was afraid, and she seemed pretty normal compared to me.

I would suggest talking with your parents. Be honest. Obviously your therapist isn’t going to be help here. It could be worth finding help other places. If a therapist doesn’t listen fully to you, then find a new one.
 
Anglewannabe said:
With all due respect I think you are putting the cart before the horse. When a 10 year old lives in the same house as their sibling, they would not let pop culture influence them into not liking their sister. I think for some reason, you did not like your sister and when you were 10 and becoming aware of pop culture you decided to use that to justify mistreating her.

So… I suggest trying to figure out why you did not like her in the first place and then moving on from there
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the reason was she was the only child got all the all the attention and when her sister came along she got jealouis.
the jealouis entity the got into her since jeolousy is a sin.
 
justforme23 said:
the reason was she was the only child got all the all the attention and when her sister came along she got jealouis.
the jealouis entity the got into her since jeolousy is a sin.
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You don’t know that she was jealous. She may have initially welcomed having a younger sister to play with and take care of, as many older sisters do. It may have been that her change of heart came because she was afraid of judgment by her peers, and came to see the sister as a “social liability”. We can’t know that.
 
We arent allowed to give medical advice here but i recommend you go to a dr and ask to have your mental health assessed as it isnt normal to behave like that…to deliberately behave like that…and to physically abuse your poor sister by hitting her for humming or fluffing her pillows…do you realise that is assault and its a crime…its disgusting how you have acted to your sister…

Do you realise that your awful behaviour to her may scar her mentally for life.
 
crystal_waters said:
We arent allowed to give medical advice here but i recommend you go to a dr and ask to have your mental health assessed as it isnt normal to behave like that…to deliberately behave like that…and to physically abuse your poor sister by hitting her for humming or fluffing her pillows…do you realise that is assault and its a crime…its disgusting how you have acted to your sister…

Do you realise that your awful behaviour to her may scar her mentally for life.
Click to expand...
Crystal,

With the greatest possible respect to you, I suggest that it isn’t entirely helpful to say some of what you’ve said here… The Original Poster is well aware of the damage he is causing to himself and his sister, which is why he has posted; to ask for our prayers, guidance and advice.

We all fall short of perfect; all of us. I have acted in ways that I regret bitterly and, try as I might, probably will do so in the future. We must all ask God for humility, guidance and respect (me more than most! :D) and do the best we can.

As time goes by; sibling rivalries and enmity pick apart and sometimes develop into lasting friendships. I hope the Original Poster benefits from the goodwill, prayers and advice posted by yourself and others and comes to the root of this upsetting problem.

Jenny
 
mrsjennymulhall said:
Crystal,

With the greatest possible respect to you, I suggest that it isn’t entirely helpful to say some of what you’ve said here… The Original Poster is well aware of the damage he is causing to himself and his sister, which is why he has posted; to ask for our prayers, guidance and advice.

We all fall short of perfect; all of us. I have acted in ways that I regret bitterly and, try as I might, probably will do so in the future. We must all ask God for humility, guidance and respect (me more than most! :D) and do the best we can.

As time goes by; sibling rivalries and enmity pick apart and sometimes develop into lasting friendships. I hope the Original Poster benefits from the goodwill, prayers and advice posted by yourself and others and comes to the root of this upsetting problem.

Jenny
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Indeed.

Like some other posters, I didn’t have a good relationship with my sister when we were growing up. We fought constantly (and it sometimes got physical) and I’m not saying I was blameless in it, but she just didn’t like me very much. Honestly, she treated her friends much better than she treated me. Anyway, things have certainly mellowed over the years, and while we still have some disagreements and argue occassionally, we are closer. Our mother’s illness and death played a big role in that. We needed each other, and we were there for each other, no questions asked.
 
crystal_waters said:
We arent allowed to give medical advice here but i recommend you go to a dr and ask to have your mental health assessed as it isnt normal to behave like that…to deliberately behave like that…and to physically abuse your poor sister by hitting her for humming or fluffing her pillows…do you realise that is assault and its a crime…its disgusting how you have acted to your sister…

Do you realise that your awful behaviour to her may scar her mentally for life.
Click to expand...
That’s nice. When I was little, I stabbed my brother in the shoulder with a parring knife. There is, give or take, approximately a 98% chance of me opening fire in a shopping mall any day now.
 
DeniseNY said:
Indeed.

Like some other posters, I didn’t have a good relationship with my sister when we were growing up. We fought constantly (and it sometimes got physical) and I’m not saying I was blameless in it, but she just didn’t like me very much. Honestly, she treated her friends much better than she treated me. Anyway, things have certainly mellowed over the years, and while we still have some disagreements and argue occassionally, we are closer. Our mother’s illness and death played a big role in that. We needed each other, and we were there for each other, no questions asked.
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When my brother got to go on some trip or something and I had to stay home, I thought it was great. A weekend of peace!! Now we’re grown up and I think the world of him. He’s good to my parents, he’s good to me, and I can see what went on between us as the product of immaturity.
 
crystal_waters said:
We arent allowed to give medical advice here but i recommend you go to a dr and ask to have your mental health assessed as it isnt normal to behave like that…to deliberately behave like that…and to physically abuse your poor sister by hitting her for humming or fluffing her pillows…do you realise that is assault and its a crime…its disgusting how you have acted to your sister…

Do you realise that your awful behaviour to her may scar her mentally for life.
Click to expand...
I jabbed my brother in the shoulder with a pairing knife when I was 4-years-old. My username is TK421, but in real life everybody just calls me Satan.
 
Every day from now on, Pray a Divine Mercy Chaplet for your sister. Instead of saying “Have mercy on us and on the whole world…” insert your sister’s name. Trust me, this works. It will reverse the negative thoughts you have had towards your sister.
 
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