Feeling judged for not having more children

[rayne89]

Oh yeah, I’ve been there. We only have one and for medical reasons we can’t have more. At Catholic conferences especially I’ve felt the need to explain why we only have one. They ask oh how many children do you have?" and I say one.Then they ask what age and realize since she’s 11 we’re probably not having more, I get that “look”. Not always, but I know it’s not in my head.

 

[rayne89]

I think the worst part is that people just assume you are using ABC… which you don’t want them to. My husband and I are expecting #2 real soon and due to some issues are unsure if we will have another. Though we are (or will resume ) using NFP and will be open to whatever God has in store for us, I feel like if we don’t have more kids people will assume that we are contracepting and I don’t want them to think that, it’s like I want to have lots of kids just to prove that we aren’t… Even though I know it’s crazy

I get comments from secular society about how smart we are for only have one all the time. I again feel I must explain this was not a choice, that we wanted a big family but because of a medical condition it’s not possible. I don’t want people thinking we’re anti-children or not open to life.

 

[leaner]

btdt, esp since my two are just under 3 yrs apart, so everyone comments that we have one of each and are “done” – I don’t tell them about the miscarriages, and my son who never came home from the hospital…but it has taught me more of the “you never know what others have gone or are going thru” so I take it as a good experience for my own “judgemental tendencies”

 

[dkoinzan]

I know this amazing woman at my church, who is a real inspiration to me because of her incredible faith, love, and optimism despite much suffering. I don’t think any one would ever look at her and think that she is a bad Catholic, yet whenever the subject comes up that she has two children, she seems to think it is necessary to add that she has had 7 miscarriages. I just think it is a real shame that she has to relive that pain every time the subject comes around to the two wonderful children that she does have. I really don’t think everyone is making assumptions about people who have no children or small families. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt, that they are giving you the benefit of the doubt.

I have five children. Three of them I am blessed to raise. Two of them I am blessed to have as Saints praying for me. Maybe she is not reliving the pain of the miscarriages as much as celebrating the life of all her children. Each child I have concieved is a gift from God. I am profoundly blessed to be the Momma of all my gifts.

 

[st_lucy]

I have five children. Three of them I am blessed to raise. Two of them I am blessed to have as Saints praying for me. Maybe she is not reliving the pain of the miscarriages as much as celebrating the life of all her children. Each child I have concieved is a gift from God. I am profoundly blessed to be the Momma of all my gifts.

I agree with this why should we be ashamed of our children that are no longer with us. My children know about their sibblings in heaven and love to talk about them.

 

[SeekerJen]

I agree with this why should we be ashamed of our children that are no longer with us. My children know about their sibblings in heaven and love to talk about them.

Just because we don’t talk about them doesn’t mean we are ashamed of them. Some of us are still grieving and it doesn’t help us to talk about them to complete strangers. Am I grateful to have one in heaven? Absolutely. Is it the right of every busybody who wonders when we’re going to finally start having children to know about him or her? NO!

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I think the problem is that for some reason family size has become everyone’s business. I have four, and one on the way, and I suffer from the “You’ve got too many” comments, and it really hurts. Actually, most of the comments aren’t bad, but so many people just don’t get it.
I am not trying to be radical or make a statement, I simply want to live a quiet life, and be open to God’s will for my family.

 

[mark_a]

When I speak to some Catholic friends, I feel like I have to apologize or explain why we have “only” 2 children.

I’m just curious if others feel that pressure.

(Not trying to open a can of worms here)

I must confess that sometimes I question (in my own head only) couples with few children. I know its wrong and I put a stop to it as soon as I recognise it. I pray for the wisdom to stop judging people, even if my judging is only for an instant.

But it still creeps in sometimes. Maybe its my own guilt or a protective mechanism of some sort. But its awful for me to think this way.

I would appreciate any advice on how to stop this behavior completely.

 

[water]

I am not sure where you are all coming from but I thought in the U.S. people are too busy to have many children. Besides this, living expense is high and healthcare is crazy, no many people want to have more children.

I remember in the Old Testament how people were judged by not having children. I hope we don’t have to carry this concept until today. Though, it is a blessing to have many children.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

We’re all ‘modern, liberated women in control of our fertillity’, right? So it should be OUR choice if we decide to let God have control, not anyone elses. I tend to assume that no one I know is using BC, unless I find out otherwise.

No matter what, people are going to judge you. It’s the OPs misfortune to be judged on such a sensitive subject. Philippians 4:6! “Do not be anxious about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, with a thankful heart.” Be strong!

 

[LynnieLew]

I really appreciate your open and honest post.

I don’t know how to stop it but it is really nice to know that someone is out there realizing when it is happening.

I think we all judge each other in some way, even if we try and change it.

I am definately not perfect. I have my own set of judgments that I am working on to curb.

I must confess that sometimes I question (in my own head only) couples with few children. I know its wrong and I put a stop to it as soon as I recognise it. I pray for the wisdom to stop judging people, even if my judging is only for an instant.

But it still creeps in sometimes. Maybe its my own guilt or a protective mechanism of some sort. But its awful for me to think this way.

I would appreciate any advice on how to stop this behavior completely.

 

[dkoinzan]

Just because we don’t talk about them doesn’t mean we are ashamed of them. Some of us are still grieving and it doesn’t help us to talk about them to complete strangers. Am I grateful to have one in heaven? Absolutely. Is it the right of every busybody who wonders when we’re going to finally start having children to know about him or her? NO!

I know it is painful and sometimes I don’t want to share what my family has been through in this last year. Sometimes I have to go find an excuse to go out of the house so I can cry as loud as I can in my car to get out some of that pain. There are times when people have made the comment, “When are you going to have that baby?” Then I have to respond, “Which one. Theresa was born dead On Mother’s Day. Joseph was born dead November 6th.” It is hard but I try to give Glory to God in all things. Sometimes I am soooooooooooooooo bad at it. I believe God gave me two Saints in heaven and they are doing more for me than I for them. God wants me to learn a lesson and I want to be eager to learn it.

The Catholic people look at my family and think I must have been on birth control because the three living are each three years appart. The secular people look on my experiene of loosing two children in one year as an opportunity to say, "Maybe you God is telling you to quit having kids. I believe that God is calling me to witness that God is my Father and I am asked to do his will and love and serve him in all things. I do not pretend to know his will for me. I stumble around like a toddler, but I desparately want to please him and I am sure he is smiling at my attempts.

 

[mariam1976]

I know it is painful and sometimes I don’t want to share what my family has been through in this last year. Sometimes I have to go find an excuse to go out of the house so I can cry as loud as I can in my car to get out some of that pain. There are times when people have made the comment, “When are you going to have that baby?” Then I have to respond, “Which one. Theresa was born dead On Mother’s Day. Joseph was born dead November 6th.” It is hard but I try to give Glory to God in all things. Sometimes I am soooooooooooooooo bad at it. I believe God gave me two Saints in heaven and they are doing more for me than I for them. God wants me to learn a lesson and I want to be eager to learn it.

The Catholic people look at my family and think I must have been on birth control because the three living are each three years appart. The secular people look on my experiene of loosing two children in one year as an opportunity to say, "Maybe you God is telling you to quit having kids. I believe that God is calling me to witness that God is my Father and I am asked to do his will and love and serve him in all things. I do not pretend to know his will for me. I stumble around like a toddler, but I desparately want to please him and I am sure he is smiling at my attempts.

this is just what st therese said… be like a child and God will guide you… i do know now that i am slowly getting back to being compassionate and putting others before me… i am getting better much faster and slowly i do believe i am seeing my dreams come true…