Feeling like a failure

[Monica4316]

Hi,

I’m hoping to get some advice on what I could do… because I feel like I completely failed as a Christian right now. I normally get along with people but there is a girl in one of my classes that I’ve been having conflicts with several times. It’s very sad because I consider her a friend. We had some great conversations together and I thought we could be close friends. Then we went to a coffee place with another one of our friends, and got into a discussion about Catholicism. The two of us are Catholic and the friend we went with is a non Catholic Christian. During the discussion, I got really upset, unfortunately, because of something that was said about the Church. Now what I should have done, is just listened and then very calmly, explained the Church’s position. Instead, I started debating, and then it turned into an argument, and I just gave up and left. What hurt is that I felt like none of my points were being considered by my Catholic friend, though she was considering the points of our friend who was sharing her research that critiques the Church. She became noticeably angry with me. However God convicted me to only think of what I had done wrong, and I resolved to never argue like that again, and wrote an email to both of them saying I’m sorry. The friend who is not Catholic responded and afterwards when I saw her, things were very normal between us. But my Catholic friend did not respond, I don’t know maybe she didn’t have time, but afterwards I noticed our relationship was kind of strained. So today… we were all working on a group project for a class… and we began discussing a topic in psychology (memory). The way I remembered it being taught by my prof in my undergraduate years, was different than what was written in our book, and I brought that up. Unfortunately, this turned into a debate again. Now I felt in my heart, something (rather, I guess Someone) telling me… just let it go… it doesn’t matter if I’m right or not… but I kept on debating. Eventually, my friend brought up the conversation about religion from last week, and said that she doesn’t want to discuss religion with me again in the future. I got really upset and decided to leave, packed up my things and left.

I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do now… I feel really bad. I apologized to God and I know I did it all wrong. I also want to apologize in person to my friend. But despite this, I’m afraid that our relationship is now forever ruined, after that talk on religion. It just feels horrible to have conflict with someone… I really feel this is not of God… but of the devil. And that is very sad I just feel like a complete failure in the Christian life right now and I’m even afraid to pray because I don’t feel worthy of prayer.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on what to do in these situations, because often it helps to have an unbiased outside perspective and don’t be afraid to be harsh, I know I’m proud and defensive and should have just admitted that I am wrong, even if I’m not, and let it all go. However I didn’t, and now there are consequences. Is it too much to expect that we can find peace again??? I really want to live in peace with everyone, and I generally don’t have any arguments with my friends, so I don’t know what happened here

 

[EmeraldWings]

although how you handled the two situations was not best, however, how your one friend handled it(or took it) was not good either,
the problem is not that you are a bad person, the problem is simply that you are weak, as we all are, the key though, is just asking God for the strength to be good, which we must never neglect to do, because it is only when we neglect to ask for His help that we fall.

now think of it this way - you know what you did was wrong, and you are willing to apologize for and forgive the whole situation, but what about your friend?
in my opinion, you are handling it better then your friend is, because you are looking at yourself and you are trying to make things right,
although you can’t know how your friend is struggling inside, perhaps she feels she is in the wrong also, but either way, the best thing you can do right now is pray for her and for yourself, and don’t waste this experience wallowing in self-pity, take advantage of it to better yourself, look at it as something God has sent you to humble you and make you to see yourself as you are, because this is what you are right now, don’t hide from that fact, you have to face it and examine yourself if you are ever going to change,

and don’t think you’re a failure, God is sending you this to help you, and if it weren’t for the self-pity, i would say you are receiving and handling this just fine.
we all must learn and grow in the spiritual life, and we will run into some very uncomfortable and humiliating situations in the process, but those things are there to help you, and the only reason you are taking it with such remorse is because of two things - human respect, and pride(which you mentioned you struggle with), both vices and very dangerous,
human respect makes us care more about what others think of us than what God thinks of us, and it also makes us value our friendship with our neighbor above our friendship with God, and pride makes us look at ourselves as capable of more than we really are, for example in your case, you are considering yourself a failure as if it was in your power to do better, instead of acknowledging yourself as the weak creature you really are, and just praying to God “Lord, see what i do when i neglect to ask your help? please help me to do better next time”
God doesn’t expect you to be perfect, all He wants is for you to try and be good, and more importantly, to pick yourself back up when you do fall.

although how you feel is very understandable, there are not many who would not feel very depressed at such a circumstance, but don’t be so quick to give up, the pain will pass, as it always does, you just have to be patient and ask God for help and guidance at this difficult time.
there’s no need to make any dramatic changes, this is a cross and a blessing, don’t run from your crosses…they will only become more heavy and burdensome when you do, instead embrace it, learn from it, and let it help you to grow in your virtues and in your love for God.

alright? i hope this helps, and i would definitely recommend getting this book - amazon.com/Searching-Maintaining-Peace-Small-Treatise/dp/0818909064/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1300328856&sr=1-1
that will help you very much i guarantee it.
ok, take care.

 

[Monica4316]

I just feel like the worst sinner right now I don’t know how to face God in prayer, and I don’t feel that I deserve His forgiveness… I asked Him to forgive me and have forgiven everyone who has hurt me, but I’m afraid that I ruined a relationship with my friend so badly that we would never have peace again. It really bothers me when I don’t have peace with someone. I don’t know how to have peace with God if I’ve ruined a friendship and have no peace with another person.

 

[Monica4316]

although how you handled the two situations was not best, however, how your one friend handled it(or took it) was not good either,
the problem is not that you are a bad person, the problem is simply that you are weak, as we all are, the key though, is just asking God for the strength to be good, which we must never neglect to do, because it is only when we neglect to ask for His help that we fall.

now think of it this way - you know what you did was wrong, and you are willing to apologize for and forgive the whole situation, but what about your friend?
in my opinion, you are handling it better then your friend is, because you are looking at yourself and you are trying to make things right,
although you can’t know how your friend is struggling inside, perhaps she feels she is in the wrong also, but either way, the best thing you can do right now is pray for her and for yourself, and don’t waste this experience wallowing in self-pity, take advantage of it to better yourself, look at it as something God has sent you to humble you and make you to see yourself as you are, because this is what you are right now, don’t hide from that fact, you have to face it and examine yourself if you are ever going to change,

and don’t think you’re a failure, God is sending you this to help you, and if it weren’t for the self-pity, i would say you are receiving and handling this just fine.
we all must learn and grow in the spiritual life, and we will run into some very uncomfortable and humiliating situations in the process, but those things are there to help you, and the only reason you are taking it with such remorse is because of two things - human respect, and pride(which you mentioned you struggle with), both vices and very dangerous,
human respect makes us care more about what others think of us than what God thinks of us, and it also makes us value our friendship with our neighbor above our friendship with God, and pride makes us look at ourselves as capable of more than we really are, for example in your case, you are considering yourself a failure as if it was in your power to do better, instead of acknowledging yourself as the weak creature you really are, and just praying to God “Lord, see what i do when i neglect to ask your help? please help me to do better next time”
God doesn’t expect you to be perfect, all He wants is for you to try and be good, and more importantly, to pick yourself back up when you do fall.

although how you feel is very understandable, there are not many who would not feel very depressed at such a circumstance, but don’t be so quick to give up, the pain will pass, as it always does, you just have to be patient and ask God for help and guidance at this difficult time.
there’s no need to make any dramatic changes, this is a cross and a blessing, don’t run from your crosses…they will only become more heavy and burdensome when you do, instead embrace it, learn from it, and let it help you to grow in your virtues and in your love for God.

alright? i hope this helps, and i would definitely recommend getting this book - amazon.com/Searching-Maintaining-Peace-Small-Treatise/dp/0818909064/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1300328856&sr=1-1
that will help you very much i guarantee it.
ok, take care.

Thank you for your post, it helped… I agree with accepting this as a humiliation and striving to be better. It did humble me in a way because I saw how proud I am and defensive, and how I really need help in this area. Apologizing was also humbling. It was difficult but I found peace with God through it. However what I’m worried about is that… even if I try all that i can to make peace with my friend, if we still won’t have peace, it will be my fault… because I started all this. And if she doesn’t want to forgive me, it’s like I’ve lead her into a potential sin. It’s just sad that there are now all these consequences. I guess that is what penance is for… I’ll try to make it right and establish peace, and I hope God will accept this, even if it doesn’t work.

Do you think that God would be angry with me if I confess this (I did repent already), try to be different, and try to establish peace, but - there won’t still be any peace? because it was I who messed up this situation… I wish I could go back in time lol.

I do feel pretty weak right now. Maybe this situation only showed me what I couldn’t see before - my limitation and that I do sin in this way after all. Maybe before, I just couldn’t see it. What makes me sad is that both times, I felt God telling me to just let it go, but I chose to not let it go. I hope next time, I will (I want to).

 

[the_phoenix]

Hello Monica,

IMHO, friends forgive.

In fact, Christians are supposed to forgive “seventy times seven times.”

You apologized to God. You apologized to your friends in e-mail. Okay, so then you fell again into an argument about something else. You say you normally get along with people. Maybe this one girl and you just have a personality clash due to chemistry for a friendship not being there? She happens to simply not like you for whatever reason, even though you like her? It could be there’s something more going on with her, or maybe she’s simply not wanting to reciprocate a relationship for some other unknown reason or for no reason at all. Maybe it’s a good idea to give her some space, think about the situation, pray about it, and apologize to her according to how the Holy Spirit leads.

Not the world’s greatest relationship expert here by any means, but that’s my :twocents: for what it’s worth.

Hopefully the Lord will provide you with more compatible friends as well.



~~ the phoenix

 

[EmeraldWings]

Do you think that God would be angry with me if I confess this (I did repent already), try to be different, and try to establish peace, but - there won’t still be any peace? because it was I who messed up this situation… I wish I could go back in time lol.

not at all, God would be pleased if you confessed it, because remember, many of the saints confessed every day.

that book i linked in my post is all about, as the title says, searching for and maintaining peace, that will help you to have peace with God, with your neighbor, and with yourself,

i know it’s hard right now, but try thinking of what good has or will come from this, meditate on it, and then just let it go, you can still be a good friend to that girl simply by praying for her, because that is really what is most important, we can’t control how others treat us or how they feel about us, and we can’t make them be good friends to us, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is what kind of a friend you are to them,
because remember, Jesus doesn’t tell us to strive to be loved, but to love others, even our enemies, those who persecute us, hate us, and curse us…

if you want to find a bit of joy in all of this, then look at it this way, now when you love her, you can more easily love her for the sake of her soul, and for the love of God, because now that things will be a little more uncomfortable, you won’t be as likely to be a friend to her for your own sake, and for that reason you will gain more merit in heaven for it.
i don’t know if that helps at all, but contemplate on that.

well, i have to go, but i highly recommend getting that book,
and i’ll be praying for you to, hope you feel better soon, take care.

 

[kitkatty]

Hi Monica, I just had to reply because I struggle with the same tendencies you do. One of the posters said most people wouldnt have been bothered by what happened to the extent you were, and that might be very true. I can say that I probably would have though. I struggle with human respect myself,which actually is a manifestation of vanity. That is something that I am trying to let God heal me of this Lent and guess what! Being as we are in Lent, these temptations are gonna come to us now. You have had a lesson and an opportunity here, feel blessed. I know what you mean about going on and on in a debate when you know its time to give it a rest,doesnt matter whose right or wrong,sometimes we jjust need to know when to shut-up! Sometimes, with me anyhow, I get so excited b ecause I think , rightly or wrongly, that I can help someone by pointing out some truth to them that I dont quit arbguing over something when I should.Just wanted to let you know youre not alone. Please, please dont ever feel unworthy because of sin to turn to God, that is when we need Him the most. I think He is hurt again when we dont turn to Him with trust,no matter what we may have done. Now next time you can do better in similar situations. As someone said previously, you already made your apologies to your friend, either she accepts them or doesnt. If not, go your way in peace. You have Gods love and acceptance and that is what matters most. This is what I tell myself in these situations, and little by little Im learning.
Also, I feel very blessed by your post because I got a little spiritual insight here. Hope this helps.

 

[fbl9]

I just feel like the worst sinner right now I don’t know how to face God in prayer, and I don’t feel that I deserve His forgiveness… I asked Him to forgive me and have forgiven everyone who has hurt me, but I’m afraid that I ruined a relationship with my friend so badly that we would never have peace again. It really bothers me when I don’t have peace with someone. I don’t know how to have peace with God if I’ve ruined a friendship and have no peace with another person.

If your friend was truly angry ask God to forgive her of the anger ask for another so to speak.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I guess we can start by making a laundry list. I’ll start the list with a few items I think we might need to deal with.

a) what to do about relationship with friend
b) when to become indignant, when not to.
c) when I should correct another, when I should let them go, even if they are wrong. is there a third option?

Maybe there’s more. Anyway as an engineer I like to start to design an approach to a problem by listing some of the aspects of the problem and any desired results.

Let me start off by saying that anytime you blow your cool, you have fallen into a trap – you cannot honestly claim that the circumstances caused you to get upset. You may say you got upset right after the circumstances came to be, but you cannot imply causality or you will cancel out any help the Lord may offer you whatsoever in this area.

Hence, if you think somebody else’s actions or words hurt your feelings, think again. The words did nothing such, until you interpreted them, processed them, judged them, and then judged yourself by them. Only then could the words hurt you.

How to break this vicious cycle? Well, first believe that with God all things are possible. If you can’t believe that, we can still make progress but it will be slower.

Second, reject any thoughts that it is your responsibility to convince anybody of anything. You invite them to hear your testimony, but you don’t have to answer to God for what goes on in their mind after you speak to them – so don’t get yourself upset. In fact, I think that any time you become upset with circumstances that don’t come out right, it is a signal that you really do not trust that the Holy Spirit is truly guiding us. If you can trust that, then you just do what you are called to do and let God do His part. You are called to be a living witness for God, but you aren’t called to say anything in particular or cause them to believe any particular doctrine.

Then you imagine what would it be like to react as Jesus truly would have us act? That means we leave Him to be the teacher, and we emulate Him in all other ways. The reason we don’t want to claim to be somebody’s teacher without them agreeing to it, is that with teachers come judgment. A person may be pleased with something he did, and everybody else in the room might have liked it, but the real question is, “what grade am I going to get?” So if you think you are going to be your friend’s teacher, then you have said you can not only help them learn what you know and they don’t (arrogant and presumptuous – unless again if they by their free will wish for you to teach them – not coerced) but that you can judge how well they are doing. Note that many people get hostile if you come across like a “teacher.” I think that’s because people like to select their own judges.

Did Jesus get angry or impatient when they were accusing Him of mortal sins, right to His face? No. Then who gives us the right to be angry at another person because they wrongly believe the Church does this or that in a bad way. Admit it – the Church is run by humans and harm does occasionally come from her. That cannot effectively be debated. If someone wants a reason to hate the Church, there are some that are valid; what difference does it make if the particular reasons they use aren’t?

So what do we do about the relationship, and about your feelings of guilt from the past, etc? I have to go now, so I’ll rest here. If the Spirit arranges it, I’ll be back to this thread.

Alan

 

[CrazyRachel]

I just feel like the worst sinner right now I don’t know how to face God in prayer, and I don’t feel that I deserve His forgiveness… I asked Him to forgive me and have forgiven everyone who has hurt me, but I’m afraid that I ruined a relationship with my friend so badly that we would never have peace again. It really bothers me when I don’t have peace with someone. I don’t know how to have peace with God if I’ve ruined a friendship and have no peace with another person.

Oh my darling, you are so NOT the worst sinner right now. And of course you deserve God’s forgiveness. Pray to him, he’s probably desperate to hear from you because he knows what turmoil you’re in right now and wants to help you. As for the situation with your friends… ok, ok, maybe you could have handled things a bit better. I’ve been in that situation so many times myself where I look back at a debate and regret my reaction (last time it happened it was actually with a non-catholic christian friend who was critisising the Catholic Church, coincidentally enough!). However, on one hand you had a friend who was attacking your beliefs and I think she should have had a bit more consideration for your feelings (afterall, you weren’t attacking her beliefs so what right did she have to do that to you?) and you’re Catholic friend should have helped to mediate the situation rather than take the other girl’s side over yours. Maybe there was wrong done on all sides, but at least you had the humility to apologize first. And as for the second debate, it was your other friend, and not you, who brought religion up AGAIN when she didnt have to and thus making the debate more heated than it had to be. I think the fact that you feel so bad and guilty over this shows you have a concience and a heart but honnestly hun, I think you’re being too harsh on yourself. You tried to make things batter with them by apologizing etc and Jesus teaches that this is what we should do when we argue with friends so you havent sinned, in fact you did what Jesus told you to do, and if you’re friends dont want to accept the apology or want to continue to bring up old arguments then thats their problem. Just pray for them and pray for yourself and ask God to give you a big cuddle. You sound like you could do with one. :hug3: And you are NOT a failure!!! You did your best to defend our Church so I think Jesus understands