Feeling like a terrible mom

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Psalm30

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So, more than anything this is a vent…but guess I’m also looking for advice. I really lost my temper with my near 6 year old today. I was frustrated with other things and mad at other people and I took it out on him. I yelled at him over something really minor and told him he’d never get to go on a “fun outing” ever again. He cried and said, “I hate it when you don’t understand me, Mommy!”

I felt/feel terrible.

Later I apologized to him. I told him I was sorry I hurt his feelings and that I didn’t mean it when I said he’d never get to go on an fun outing ever again. He said “That’s okay!” and went about his usual business, and we had a good day the rest of the day. But I’m still feeling bad because, most of the time, sorry doesn’t cut it.

How do you deal with parenting mistakes? I mean, I apologized to him, but I don’t feel like it’s enough. Any advice on how to make things right with your kids after you treat them unfairly?
 
The only thing I can say is let it go. You recognized the action was wrong, and apologized. Unless it is a routine thing (and it sounds like it is not), children can accept it, forgive, and go on with life. Something many adults cannot seem to grasp.
 
It’s okay. As angel12 said, you did a good thing by apologizing. That’s an important lesson right there for your son. It shows him the importance of admitting a mistake and saying you are sorry. And it also shows him that his feelings are important enough for an adult to apologize when they are wrong.

I would just forget it because as someone else said, young children don’t brood about these things after it’s all resolved and you’re back on track.
 
There must be something in the air this weekend because my 5yo was a hellion at the two outings we attempted this weekend, which was extra frustrating because tonight is my last night of maternity leave and it would have been nice to have a pleasant time together. I don’t know if I’d call it losing my temper, but I also pointed out that she is now one of three siblings while I still only have two hands. I’m human and there is a limit to my patience and energy. If she can’t stay where she’s told to stay, keep her hands off what she’s told not to touch, and respond appropriately to that which disappoints her, I do not have the will or strength to continue taking her on the outings to which she is accustomed. Only it didn’t come out nearly as articulate as that. And it was sort of loud. And angry. I think the best thing to do is accept his forgiveness. You want him to know that he will be forgiven when he takes a disrespectful tone when he’s upset, right? I don’t know what you could do to “make up for it”. I guess, if you really feel bad, you could provide all his food, shelter, clothing, medical care, education, and entertainment for the next twelve years or so.
 
Allegra said:
I guess, if you really feel bad, you could provide all his food, shelter, clothing, medical care, education, and entertainment for the next twelve years or so.
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This made me chuckle.

Sounds like some of you had a tough weekend. All I can say as mom of a young adult, is hang in there. It’s not the last misstep you will take, and likely not the worst. Keep apologizing when it’s warranted, that shows them that you practice what you preach.

I think you’ll find over time that the things parents remember as iconic moments in a child’s life, are not the same at the moments they remember as iconic in their lives. (This is likely a blessing!)
 
It’s uncanny that I should read your post right now.
Psalm30 said:
He said “That’s okay!” and went about his usual business, and we had a good day the rest of the day
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Exactly what my son says when I do this.
Psalm30 said:
I mean, I apologized to him, but I don’t feel like it’s enough.
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Exactly how I feel when he says that.

You didn’t mention confession, so give that a try if you haven’t already. They need to know that we still love them even when we’re mad. Try to train yourself to say that when you are mad.

My spiritual director said two things to me recently that I can pass on to you: “there’s nothing you can do which will make God love you less”, which I’ve stolen and used with him (substituting “God” with “me”), and “He has forgiven you; can you forgive yourself?”

I can pass this on: while meditating on all this my morning prayers this today, the thought came to me “Who are you to not forgive what I have forgiven?”

I hope this helps. You and your family are in my prayers.
 
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Psalm30 said:
How do you deal with parenting mistakes? I mean, I apologized to him, but I don’t feel like it’s enough. Any advice on how to make things right with your kids after you treat them unfairly?
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I try to deal with parenting mistakes by going to confession. Especially when it is anger related. I once confessed to being so angry I’m sure I said things that hurt their hearts and the priest said it is good for us to see who we are without Jesus. Basically a monster, I’d be an all the time ragey monster without Jesus. Isn’t that what the souls in hell are like? Unable to love anyone due to their final choice they are filled with rage and hate?

Apologizing to him does matter. I wish my mother had apologized in any capacity for her ragey and hurtful moments (outside of the vague “Sorry I’m such a terrible mother!” Pandering for us to assure her she isn’t) Also I got a lot of “Sorry doesn’t cut it!” from my mom when trying to apologize for the very minor inconveniences that sent her into a rage. That was the worst part.

You are modeling apology and remorse. If you feel more steps should be taken then you can model ways to make it right. You’re doing good Mama!
 
Psalm30 said:
He cried and said, “I hate it when you don’t understand me, Mommy!”
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This is a complex thought for a 6-year-old to express. That speaks to your parenting, you have spent time helping your child learn to express these complex emotions.

You did the right thing, apologize when you make a mistake then move forward.
 
Psalm30 said:
I yelled at him over something really minor and told him he’d never get to go on a “fun outing” ever again.
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When a parent is angry at a child because the child has done something wrong, it can be very tempting in that moment to lay down a very harsh consequence – like saying “no ______ for you for a whole month!” (Fill in the blank with any privilege, like candy, video game time, TV time, a fun outing, etc.) Later, when we cool down, we may feel that the consequence that we gave out was too harsh, but we don’t want to back off and give the impression that we don’t mean what we say, so we may feel obliged to stick to it. (But then it’s not so easy to stick to it, especially if multiple major consequences mount up over a short time.)

The best solution I have found is to make a firm resolution not to hand out any consequences until I have cooled down. I will just say that there will be consequences for their bad behavior, and that I will let them know the exact consquences later that day. Then when I cool down, I can think rationally and hand out a more appropriate consequence (preferably something appropriate to the specific bad behavior), or my wife and I can talk it over together and decide on a consequence. What I have outlined here is not always easy to do, and I’m certainly not perfect at it. But I have found that it does help quite a bit.

Maybe the best thing for you to do is not to worry about the earlier incident, and instead to resolve to yourself that you will not decide on any consequences when you are angry.
 
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There was only one perfect mother and look what they did to her son.
All parents make mistakes. You apologized for yours. Now you and your son can move on.
 
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Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond. Everything’s been going better since then. I’m praying about it and making it a point to try to be more patient with both my kids. Thank you again.
 
Allegra said:
I guess, if you really feel bad, you could provide all his food, shelter, clothing, medical care, education, and entertainment for the next twelve years or so.
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Hahahaha, well I’ll see what I can do. 😉

I’ve been away for a while and just saw your posts about the new baby. Congratulations, and I hope both of you are doing well.
 
I know some of you will disagree with this. Well, it’s worked for me and my husband. If it’s not your way, then you’ve probably used another way that works for you and your children, and that’s good, too

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing when a child occasionally sees/hears one of their parents lose it. (The key word is OCCASIONALLY! Once every few months, not every day or once a week!)

It’s a lesson that is safer for them to learn at home from a parent than away from home from a mean kid.

When children start attending school or other activities with peers (e.g., a sports team), they WILL experience times when they do or say something that irritates another kid or even a teacher or coach, and that person will react in a less-than-kind way.

If a child has never experienced seeing another person scream/yell and get angry at him/her–it is terrifying. Even if the other kid or the adult is just raising their voice, or walking away in a disgusted way–it’s really unnerving for the poor child who has never been exposed to anything except utter kindness and gentleness.

A parent losing it once in a while (not constantly!) teaches a child a very valuable lesson–that he is capable through his behavior of irritating someone else, even a grownup, to a point where they lose their temper and act badly.

Children have to learn that they won’t always be treated kindly when they do things like continuing to use a silly voice even when they’ve been asked politely not to use that voice, or repeat a silly phrase over and over again, or run in circles, or pretend to be a doggie and growl at people or call other people weird names, or ask over and over and over again if the activity will be finished soon , or physically “pick at” other children, or…you all know the types of things that kids do.

Sometimes people get mad at kids who do these things. In our city, sometimes people get violent!

So children need to learn to “read” other people and notice when they are doing or saying something that appears to be upsetting the other person. And then they need to learn to reign it in before the other person loses control and starts yelling at them. That’s just Christian charity. And children can learn to be “nice” and charitable.

Children need to learn that adults are people, too, not superheroes!

I realize that children with special issues (e.g., Asperger’s) will have a difficult time learning the skill or observing and interpreting the facial expression and voice tones of other people. But most children who don’t have any issues can and should learn to observe others and make a decision to be kind and stop doing things that appear to be upsetting others.

Again, I’ll stress that I’m not saying a parent should scream and yell and flail on a regular basis–if this is happening, the parent needs to seek some help to learn a healthier and more loving way to respond to their children.
 
Terrible people don’t talk about how terrible they are.
 
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sounds like you handled it just fine. everyone makes mistakes

when I was a kid, adults never apologized, doesn’t matter how badly they behaved, we were just expected to just accepted that parents or teachers or coaches had authority over us and therefore they could act any way they want.

not mature, but what could we do?
 
You apologized. That is more than I could have expected from my mom. It seems like adults think that, if you admit your mistakes to a kid, they will loose respect for you or see you as weak, in actuality, kids are more likely to respect you for apologizing. Sounds like you are doing things right.
 
I don’t think its necessary to go all the way to “losing it”, but I agree that kids need to realize that adults, even their own parents, are people who have feelings, temperaments, and various degrees of stress tolerance. A lot of parents seem to talk to their own obnoxious offspring like a storeclerk tries to reason with an irate and unreasonable customer who is “always right”. Every parent needs to have a business voice for when the kid has crossed the line.
 
I agree–“business voice” is a good description.

Some parents with a “gentleness at all costs” attitude towards children define “losing it” as “raising your voice above softness…” I’ve seen this in my own family–an unwillingness to use that “business voice” or to make it obvious to the child that he/she has crossed that line and recompense will be forthcoming.
 
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