Feeling like i'm never going to be "good enough" for my Mother

[jazzy0710]

Good morning everyone;

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas. Myself, not so much unfortunately…

I’m 30 years old and my Mother has treated me like garbage for most of my life. A therapist I was seeing at one time told me that she really should have got help a very long time ago because she’s beyond emotionally unstable.

I remember once when I was 4 years old, I was sitting on the floor coloring at the coffee table and drinking some grape juice. I reached over to pull some crayons out and as I did that I accidentally knocked the grape juice onto our carpet. When she saw what I had done I apologized to her profusely but it was like she blacked out and gave me one of the worst beatings I’ve ever got.

She’s said some very terrible things to both me and my older Brother. When I was 9 years old there was something I really wanted to do and has asked a couple of times but never got an answer. One day while she was cleaning I asked her again very politely. She turned around and screamed that if my Brother and I didn’t smarten the **** up that he and I would both be leaving our apartment on stretchers.

My teenage years were no better. She always had something to criticize me for from my hair, to my teeth, to my weight to the people I hung out with.

My adult years have definitely been much worse. When I got engaged she really freaked out and felt that I was screwing up my academic career and would drop out of College. I finished College and graduated in the top 10 of my class with and 87.8% average but that still wasn’t good enough for her. Once the wedding planning begun she really tried to control a lot of things and I told her politely to back off and then she called me a bunch of names and told me she wasn’t going.

One day she decided that she wanted a grandchild and started buying baby clothes like crazy. She bought both genders but mostly boys. My Dad was really annoyed because over a 2 year period she’d spent well over 800.00 on clothing,

When I finally did get pregnant my husband and I didn’t want to know the gender. This didn’t sit well with her. She demanded that we find out the gender and that she was going to be in the delivery room. I told her no. She kept buying more and more clothes and kept sending them to my house and my husband and I became so overwhelmed with clothing that we opted to find out the gender so we would start getting rid of stuff. Thankfully we had a boy though so a lot of it we could use. She was overjoyed that we were having a boy because she said that was what she wanted and that she liked boys much better. When she found out about our name choice she really blew her lid. She said we had asbolutely no business using a namesake and that we should be giving him his own identity. I honestly think she was just jealous because we weren’t using one of her family names so my husband and I threw in one of her family names as a second middle name just to shut her up.

Anyway. My son is 2 years old now and she’s been a pretty good Grandmother to him for the most part. However because he was Autism and is a lot of work some days anytime my husband and I mention another child in the future she really gives us a hard time about it saying that it wouldn’t be fair to our son, what if the other child has Autism too, how will you afford it, etc etc.

Sorry for the rambling lol but I’d like to share the latest that has me feeling really down.

Growing up, I don’t remember my Mother ever having many friends and the ones that she did, well they had issues. One of her friends was married to a man that has been in a boating accident. This woman had a gambling addiction which cost them almost everything. That couple moved away eventually. She had another friend who was a waitress and was married to a fisherman. This lady too had a gambling addiction and the lost almost everything and had to move. Then she had another friend. An aboriginal woman and her common law hubby and son. They lived next door to us for a while. This woman had a severe drug and alcohol addiction as did her man. The two of them would go on 2 day drinking binges leaving their kid at home and we would end up with their kid. That woman comitted suicide a few years ago and her man left her a few years before that. Her son is grown up and on his own. She has one friend now and this woman had a severe gambling addiction that was so bad that she lost her house. Before she lost her house she was divorced and she’s been catfished as well.

One thing that all of these so called friends had in common with one another is that they used my Mother and took advantage of her. However her current friend has been the worst for taking advantage of her. She’s taken a very large sum of money from my mother and always calls her when she’s having a crisis regardless of how bad the timing is. I remember when my Grandmother died in 2011 her friend called her up and needed her for something and my Mom was clearly stressed out about it because we were trying to make funeral arrangements but my Mom of course bailed on our family to go deal with her friend’s crisis.

Her friend lives in a seniors building now and had a stoke a little over a month ago. She unfortunately was laying on the floor for over 4 hours before someone found her. She’s been in a special rehab centre since and she’s not able to walk right now.

 

[jazzy0710]

CONTINUATION OF FIRST POST:

My Dad’s brother offered to by him a ticket to go visit him for Christmas which he’s wanted to do for years. I love my Dad to death as he’s one of my best friends. It was hard not having him here but I figured we’ll be ok because we’ll be with my Mom. 2 days before Christmas my Mom called me all stressed out. She said that her friend’s social worker called and said that she was crying because she really wanted a turkey dinner had had no where to go because none of her family had wheelchair accessible houses. My parents don’t have a wheelchair accessible house either. The rehab was willing to send her to her apartment in a cab for a few hours. However nobody in her family was willing to go to her apartment. Not even her own son. So My Mother was asked by the social worker to cook her a turkey dinner and bring it to the apartment on Christmas Day. She assured me she was only going to be there for 2 hours.

On Christmas Eve my Mother was supposed to come with my husband and I for a drive to the country to visit his Grandmother for a little bit. My husband’s grandmother was also willing to let her bring her dog. She called me an hour before we left and lied to me making up a story about the dog being sick. When we returned their was nothing wrong with the dog but oh what a shocker she had her friends perfect Christmas dinner all ready.

Christmas morning she left at 1030am. An hour before her friend called and had the nerve to ask if she could also put on a ham. My Mom told her she didn’t have enough time and then started apologizing profusely because her friend felt that she didn’t cook enough food for the ammount of people that she apparently invited. So like I said. She left at 1030 am and didn’t come back until nearly 6pm. She knows that our son goes to bed between 7 and 8 but she came into the house and acted as if it was no big deal. The turkey that she had also cooked for her and us the day before was completely raw and we couldn’t eat it.

Yesterday I went back to her house even though I didn’t want to but I had left some clothes there that I needed to pick up. Her older sister had come by to visit her. She told me that she was coming as she had a Christmas gift for her but when she asked my Mom if she could pick her up my Mom said no because it was too cold so her sister took the bus and my Mom told her she’d drive her home. I go in and give my aunt a hug and of course my Mom was rolling her eyes. I know my Mom hasn’t been to particularly fond of her because she’s on welfare and is in a relationship with a man who is abusive. She’s left him multiple times but always goes back. My Mom even took her in one time but she went back and that has had my Mom mad ever since. So my aunt compliments my hair but then my Mom rips in saying it’s too short. I told her that’s funny because it’s the length that it always is. Then she tells me I look like garbage and was I still taking my medication. Like really? Ugh.

When my Aunt went to the washroom my Mother cornered me and asked if I would take her home because she didn’t feel like it. I told her her that it’s her sister and that she was nice enough to travel up there to see her. I told her that I also needed to get home because my husband hurt his back and that I needed to bath my son. She huffed and puffed and then plopped on the couch moping. At that point I had enough. My Aunt came out of the washroom and I told her to come on that I was leaving and I would take her. My aunt lives in the opposite direction of me across town but I just wanted her to get home safely.

Am I over reacting here? Do I have the right to be mad? I was told for years in therapy to never expect anything from her especially a Mother Daughter relationship because she doesn’t know how to be one and doesn’t know what real love is. I was basically told to mourn that idea like a death and I atcually did. However I feel like because it was the Holidays that I set myself up to be let down.

 

[pensmama87]

That sounds really difficult, I’m sorry you had to endure that.

I think your last paragraph nails it. You can’t expect your mother to change. You can’t make it happen. So, you need to decide what level of contact is worth it to you. My initial suspicion is none, or at least not in-person visits. They give her too much opportunity to be terrible.

 

[heidi_storage]

Your mother will continue to browbeat and coerce you as long as you allow her to do so. You caved to finding out your baby’s gender, tried to appease her with a middle name, and drove her home upon her demand.

You need boundaries. Don’t discuss any personal decision with her; do not attempt to keep peace by giving into her; never enter a visit or phone convesation unless you are prepared to end it as soon as she starts trouble.

I’d be cautious about letting her be alone with your son, too.

 

[Casilda]

Your mother will continue to browbeat and coerce you as long as you allow her to do so. You caved to finding out your baby’s gender, tried to appease her with a middle name, and drove her home upon her demand.

You need boundaries. Don’t discuss any personal decision with her; do not attempt to keep peace by giving into her; never enter a visit or phone convesation unless you are prepared to end it as soon as she starts trouble.

I’d be cautious about letting her be alone with your son, too.

Excellent advice! Your mom sounds just like my mom, narcissist personality disorder, no cure.

 

[Allegra]

I think you had a right to be mad years ago, but at this point, you’ve pretty much trained your mother to continue treating you this way. If you want her to stop, you have to set boundaries and stand by them. Continuing to submit to ridiculous demands (ie. changing your own child’s name to make her happy) will never actually make her happy. She will continue to expect more and more from you. You need to learn to set appropriate boundaries and she will have to learn to be happy with what she gets.

 

[esieffe]

I hate it that you had such a difficult life at the hands of your mother. Mother - Daughter relationships can be difficult for many people in the happiest of families.

At this point in your life, I think it bears reminding you that we are only here for a short time. One of the main reasons we are here is to secure our own future in the life to come, which unlike this existence, lasts forever. Work on that goal, you are not ever going to change or please your Mother it seems. Turn that situation over to God and focus on your family. These are your responsibilities now, a fire cannot burn unless we supply it with wood. God is much more capable of dealing with this than you are, let this go, and turn your focus on your reason for being here, not hers.

GBY and Merry Christmas.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with what’s been said. I’d suggest limiting contact to what you can handle (even if that means “none”), not what she demands or what you think it “should” be for a mother and daughter with a good relationship. Honoring your mother and father does not mean you must associate with one or both of them–in fact, it can mean you may need to avoid contact with them if that is what is best.

If you do associate with her but cannot count on her to keep her word, then you might let her feel the consequences. You don’t have to cover for her or wait on her. If she’s not back in time for dinner and presents, why wait on her longer than you’d wait for anyone else (in our family, that’s 15 or 30 minutes depending on how far they’re traveling)? If she’s supposed to be the hostess, but leaves her guests to go visit her friend, I might either visit with the other guests, or go do something else for the length of time she said she’d be gone (two hours), and then call and check on her if she wasn’t back when she said. If it was going to be much longer than that, or she gets snotty, I’d excuse myself and go home to have a nice quiet dinner with my husband and child instead. Of course, that’s just one possibility–it’s up to you and your husband to decide how you’ll handle it.

You cannot control her behavior or her feelings… but remember you don’t have to let her behavior control you, either. As has been said, if you give in to her demands, even partially (like the middle name thing), she’s only going to learn that you will do what she wants if she pushes you hard enough–so of course she’s going to keep on pushing you.

I’d say to do what is best for YOU and your family, not what you think will pacify her. Because no matter what you do, you cannot make her happy if she doesn’t want to be.

One thing I’ve learned is this: if you want to avoid an argument about something that’s not her decision, then as soon as the subject is brought up and she starts criticizing or arguing, change the subject or leave the conversation. Refuse to discuss it with her, especially if it’s none of her business. She can’t pester you *if you aren’t there. *

I often have to remind myself of the saying, “When you’re invited to an argument, that doesn’t mean you have to attend.”

I know it’s not easy, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I will pray for you.

 

[jazzy0710]

Excellent advice! Your mom sounds just like my mom, narcissist personality disorder, no cure.

Ironic. That’s atcually what’s wrong with my Father in law which is why his and my husband’s relationship began to fall like a house of cards.

 

[jazzy0710]

I agree with what’s been said. I’d suggest limiting contact to what you can handle (even if that means “none”), not what she demands or what you think it “should” be for a mother and daughter with a good relationship. Honoring your mother and father does not mean you must associate with one or both of them–in fact, it can mean you may need to avoid contact with them if that is what is best.

If you do associate with her but cannot count on her to keep her word, then you might let her feel the consequences. You don’t have to cover for her or wait on her. If she’s not back in time for dinner and presents, why wait on her longer than you’d wait for anyone else (in our family, that’s 15 or 30 minutes depending on how far they’re traveling)? If she’s supposed to be the hostess, but leaves her guests to go visit her friend, I might either visit with the other guests, or go do something else for the length of time she said she’d be gone (two hours), and then call and check on her if she wasn’t back when she said. If it was going to be much longer than that, or she gets snotty, I’d excuse myself and go home to have a nice quiet dinner with my husband and child instead. Of course, that’s just one possibility–it’s up to you and your husband to decide how you’ll handle it.

You cannot control her behavior or her feelings… but remember you don’t have to let her behavior control you, either. As has been said, if you give in to her demands, even partially (like the middle name thing), she’s only going to learn that you will do what she wants if she pushes you hard enough–so of course she’s going to keep on pushing you.

I’d say to do what is best for YOU and your family, not what you think will pacify her. Because no matter what you do, you cannot make her happy if she doesn’t want to be.

One thing I’ve learned is this: if you want to avoid an argument about something that’s not her decision, then as soon as the subject is brought up and she starts criticizing or arguing, change the subject or leave the conversation. Refuse to discuss it with her, especially if it’s none of her business. She can’t pester you *if you aren’t there. *

I often have to remind myself of the saying, “When you’re invited to an argument, that doesn’t mean you have to attend.”

I know it’s not easy, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I will pray for you.

Thank you very much for your feedback.

My husband myself and my son did end up eating a little bit of what we could. As far as attending the dinner at her friend’s apartment, not a chance. Her friend is someone that I have a great deal of difficulty tolerating. She’s very loud, obnoxious, dramatic, innappropriate, and extremely negative. I try to avoid her at all costs but sadly at times my Mother invited her to my bridal shower, my wedding, my baby shower, my son’s birthday party and almost every single dinner at my parents’ house for christmas, thanksgiving, and easter so i’m bound to run into her at some point.

I did try calling her at one point and had every intention of being nice even though I didn’t feel like it. I was going to tell her that my son had been crying for her which he had been. Of course though she left her phone at home.

I went to therapy off and on for nearly 7 years with the belief that something had to be wrong with me but of course I learned that that there wasn’t. I atcually got really good at setting boundaries and brushing things off etc.

I don’t know what was different this time though. I guess my husband and I were just feeling alone. My Dad was on the other side of the country. We couldn’t be with his Dad because we cut out hubby’s stepmother for reasons similar to how my Mother behaves and that has caused a rift between him and his Dad. This was also my husband’s first Christmas without his paternal Grandmother. So we didn’t really see any family at all. It wasn’t much fun

 

[holyrood]

I think you had a right to be mad years ago, but at this point, you’ve pretty much trained your mother to continue treating you this way. If you want her to stop, you have to set boundaries and stand by them. Continuing to submit to ridiculous demands (ie. changing your own child’s name to make her happy) will never actually make her happy. She will continue to expect more and more from you. You need to learn to set appropriate boundaries and she will have to learn to be happy with what she gets.

I’m in full agreement that boundaries need to be set. But I think it’s very unfair to accuse someone of ‘training’ their parent to treat them badly. As a child, we know nothing else. The parent is training us that this is ‘normal’ and training us how we are supposed to relate. We are at their mercy, as we know nothing else as children.

Jazzy certainly needs to set boundaries, but it’s unfair to blame the victim.

I have a similar mother. The story of the grape juice really resonated with me, as I remember my younger sister in tears, begging and pleading with me not to tell my mother…that she spilled WATER while my mother was out. Yeah. Water. In the kitchen, no less, on the table. Easy clean up, nothing damaged. My sister was TERRIFIED of her finding out.

My answer has finally been to cut ties. I fully agree, don’t give in to your mother on any of this stuff. Keep your son away from her.

 

[Anne1964]

Please do not leave your son alone with her under any circumstances. She will be no nicer to him than she is to you. She also may likely be jealous of him and your husband because now that you’re married you have less time for her.

I agree with the others who have said it sounds like your mother has narcissist personality disorder. And there is no cure. She will not change. Ever.

It’s up to you to decide how much contact you want with her. What is the longest period of time you have not had contact with her? You may find that limiting contact is hard at first and she will certainly try to make you feel guilty about it, but once you experience some peace in your life due to less contact you may grow more comfortable with the new boundaries you have chosen to set with her.

My former sister in law has NPD and she had a child that my ex-husband and I ended up raising for seven years. We tried to shield her from her mother as much as we could but unfortunately we were not able to get custody and her mother took her back when she was 15 and cut off all contact with us for two years. Things were very very bad for my niece during that time.

Once my niece turned 18 she moved back in with my ex-husband and she has had no contact with her mother for 3.5 years. It was hard for her at first but after six months she realized she did not want to contact her mother again. I don’t know if she will change her mind but I doubt it.

Sometimes no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself and your mental health and peace of mind.

 

[oldgraymare2]

I’m in full agreement that boundaries need to be set. But I think it’s very unfair to accuse someone of ‘training’ their parent to treat them badly. As a child, we know nothing else. The parent is training us that this is ‘normal’ and training us how we are supposed to relate. We are at their mercy, as we know nothing else as children.

Jazzy certainly needs to set boundaries, but it’s unfair to blame the victim.

I have a similar mother. The story of the grape juice really resonated with me, as I remember my younger sister in tears, begging and pleading with me not to tell my mother…that she spilled WATER while my mother was out. Yeah. Water. In the kitchen, no less, on the table. Easy clean up, nothing damaged. My sister was TERRIFIED of her finding out.

My answer has finally been to cut ties. I fully agree, don’t give in to your mother on any of this stuff. Keep your son away from her.

I agree with you, holyrood.

I can also say from my own experience that sometimes you don’t know what kind of personality you’ll get either, when you are in contact with that parent. Will you get someone really unreasonable and moody? They might try and “pull the rug out from under you.”

I never knew what kind of mood my Mom was going to be in.

Until I left home, I pretty much lived in constant fear of how she would react. I didn’t realize how much I was negatively affected by her, until I left.

 

[jazzy0710]

Please do not leave your son alone with her under any circumstances. She will be no nicer to him than she is to you. She also may likely be jealous of him and your husband because now that you’re married you have less time for her.

I agree with the others who have said it sounds like your mother has narcissist personality disorder. And there is no cure. She will not change. Ever.

It’s up to you to decide how much contact you want with her. What is the longest period of time you have not had contact with her? You may find that limiting contact is hard at first and she will certainly try to make you feel guilty about it, but once you experience some peace in your life due to less contact you may grow more comfortable with the new boundaries you have chosen to set with her.

My former sister in law has NPD and she had a child that my ex-husband and I ended up raising for seven years. We tried to shield her from her mother as much as we could but unfortunately we were not able to get custody and her mother took her back when she was 15 and cut off all contact with us for two years. Things were very very bad for my niece during that time.

Once my niece turned 18 she moved back in with my ex-husband and she has had no contact with her mother for 3.5 years. It was hard for her at first but after six months she realized she did not want to contact her mother again. I don’t know if she will change her mind but I doubt it.

Sometimes no contact is the best thing you can do for yourself and your mental health and peace of mind.

Thank you very much for your feedback

The longest time I have ever gone without having any contact with her was 4 and a half months.It was Christmas Day 2012.I walked out of my parents house because her friend was over(yes the friend who she was visiting with this past Christmas) the two of them were sitting at the dinning table and I overheard her say to her friend that I was serving on the altar at mass the night before and how I was the biggest most fattest one of all of the servers. So I went downstairs and told my Dad what she said and that I was leaving. She came down and told me that it wasn’t what she meant and she tried to hug me. I pushed her away from me and told her not to touch me because she’s lost that privelege. She then followed me outside and told me that if I leave that I was never welcome back. I said that, that was fine because I didn’t want to come back. I got in my rental car and then she opened my door and chucked the gift I got her right at my face cutting it.

It was difficult. Especially for my Father. He whinned and whinned about how hard it was on him. I tried to limit contact with her in the past before that but my Father made such a stink about it that I ended up giving in and apologizing to her for things that she did. It was ridiculous. Now though my Father has really seen and heard what she can be like and has mentioned to me recently that if she got too out of hand that he wouldn’t blame me for creating some distance.

The thing that makes it so hard for me is that there are times when she’s so sweet and loving. Then stress gets to her and it’s like she looks for things that are wrong to criticize. Image seems to be a big thing for her. She always has this image to protect because it seems as though she always feels that she’s being judged by her family. Particularly her older sister who she works with.

 

[jazzy0710]

. I didn’t realize how much I was negatively affected by her, until I left.

The same goes for me. Especially once I started going to therapy.

 

[Casilda]

To the OP. I was 40 years old when I finally confronted my mom. We were living in another state for about two years when my parents sold their home, and you guessed it, moved near us. I saw her manipulating my children. At first, I tried always to have them supervised. My husband didn’t understand because narcissists are charmers to outsiders. What made me stand up to her was God. She gave me the ultimatum, her or the church, and I pointed to a plaque above a door that stated part of Joshua 24:15, but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord. Our family’s envolvement at church many times interrupted HER plans. We didn’t speak to each other for 5 years after that. I told the kids grandma is on medication and may be dangerous. My younger two understood not to take her seriously when she blurted out something hurtful. However, my oldest, felt wounded at times and eventually refused to go to her funeral. Forgiveness has taken time.

You have to develop a thick skin, let her barbs bounce off, and by all means protect your kids.