Feeling lost and alone

[thequietsinger]

Hello all,

First, I am not here to whine or complain. I am only here because I have no where else to go. I’m sorry it is so long, but I just can’t paraphrase right now.

A little information first: After the New Year, I felt this need to convert to Catholicism, but I wasn’t sure why. Right after I turned 16, which was in late March, I felt I had a vocation to become a nun. I have been discerning this from April to the present day. I found out I was going to stay with my Grandpa in mid April, and I realized I could go to a Catholic church, and see if this “vocation” was real. I met the Priest there, and spoke with him a few times, and he believes that this is real, but he really wants me to go to college and to make sure that this is what I want to do. Unfortunately, he was preparing to be transferred, and wanted someone I could trust to know so I would have guidance. I chose my great Aunt, who is like a Grandma to me. I have talked with her so much about this, and I really thought I would have a lot of time with her. However, my time was cut short.

I had been staying with my Grandpa since May while my mom was trying to sell our house. I haven’t seen him since 2008. Last Monday, July 29th, he stopped talking to my sister and I. I wasn’t sure why, so I decided to not tell my mom, as I didn’t want her to worry about us. The next day, he still would not talk to me. My sister & I were planning to meet up with our cousins down the road to play with them for a bit. We played for a little bit, then I went home to feed our dogs. The minute I walked through the door he yelled at me for my sister’s room being a mess, which I cleaned up right away. Once I finished that and went to get lunch, he told me that my aunt called and said that my younger sister had told my cousins, who are 6 & 4, about voodoo and ghosts when we were at the fair (last) week. She is a tad darker than most, not a devil worshiper or anything, but just with the makeup and clothes. I was with her the entire time so I knew it wasn’t true, but I left it at that and moved on. After that he didn’t talk to me again, even when I attempted to talk to him. So, I just went about my business and played with them some more. On Wednesday he still didn’t talk to me. That evening, my mom called us and told us to pack our bags because it was time for us to come home. I couldn’t believe it. I was devastated. My Priest had left a couple days before, and I was really opening up to my Aunt about this.

Once I calmed down, I called my mom to talk to her, and I then began to pack. Thursday, my Grandpa stayed on the couch all day long. I didn’t know why, but I knew he wasn’t sick. I had told my mom that my cousins, who are 13, 8 and 3 & the ones I mentioned playing with, and us had planned a picnic, and that I didn’t know what to tell them. So she called my Aunt, who is their Ganny, and explained to her what happened, that he hadn’t spoken to me since Monday, etc. So she got the girls down right away, and we spent the whole day & most of the night with them. The next day we got up, finished packing, and waited for them to call. When they called, we finished lunch and went over. They surprised us with a picnic when we got there! We had our picnic, and then we just messed around for the rest of the day, until 10 that night. My Grandpa stopped by a couple times before and after the picnic, and my Aunt really thought I should go over and talk to him, because it looked like he was trying to reach out to me. I went over, and he told me that my uncle (his son) and him had this thought that I had a vocation to be a nun. They knew nothing, I made sure of that. I didn’t want anyone to know, except for my Priest and Aunt. I told him yes, and told him what I mentioned above. He asked if I knew the Rosary, and I told him no, but that I am working on memorizing it. He gave me Rosary beads blessed by Pope John Paul II. I was stunned. I didn’t want to accept them, but he refused no for an answer. So I took them, and thought everything was fine again. The next morning, which was Saturday, he was gone before 6 that morning. My Dad came in the previous night so we could load the car and hit the road by 8. My Grandpa never gets up that early. We finished loading the car, and my Dad and I went for a walk before we left. We met my sister at the playground, and then walked to my Aunt’s house. She came right out, gave us each a big hug, and told us she loved all of us. I was greedy and went back for a second hug, but I really needed it. I looked as I was walking back towards the car, and I saw his car across the street. When we got back I tried calling him, but he hid his phone under a couple of things on the desk. We didn’t pull out of there until 8:15. As we were leaving, my Aunt was on the front porch of her house, waiting for us to drive by so she could wave good bye. I honked my horn very loudly, and when I looked over, his car was gone. I was so upset.

I just feel like all of this is my fault. Everyone, including my Grandpa, told me this was not my fault. My Mom and Aunt even said that I was only 16, and that I truly showed them I can take care of not only myself, but also my sister & my pets, & that I managed a credit card and a car. I just feel like I failed my Mom. I tried so hard, and I really didn’t want to leave. I really want to return the Rosary beads, but at the same time, I don’t. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I feel so alone. I know I’m not, because I still call my Aunt a few times a week, and because I always have God. I have been in serious discernment, and every time I think about becoming a nun, the feeling gets stronger. It hasn’t weakened at all. I was so afraid that that would happen. .

Can you please give me some guidance? I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I’d be more than happy to explain it better if you’d like.

Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it so very much.

God Bless You All

 

[Francie3]

Hi, I find your story confusing, but surely you needn’t feel alone as you have your Mom and sister, and the love of some of your relatives.

You probably need to speak to your own priest. The priest who is local to you in your parish is the one God currently places to advise you, whether or not he appeals to his parishioners or you.

Your grandfather could possibly have some kind of mental disorder, even if mild, which could explain his occasional odd behavior. He may need prayer, and for you not to take his changeability too seriously.

Perhaps you need to focus not on the past confusion, but in trying to live and kindly, helpfully, and prayerfully as you can in the present, instead of allowing the past to torture your poor mind and spirit.

May God be honored for all the blessings He has and will give to you.

 

[angell1]

hey! thanks for the story. i do apologize but i had a hard time following as well. i’m not exactly sure on why your grandpa is so upset. is it because you’re thinking of becoming a nun? or the the fact that you want to become catholic? anyways, i will pray for you. try not to worry about it too much, he may just be in a bit of shock about certain decisions. sometimes parents/relatives want us to go down different paths and have a hard time accepting that we’ve chosen something different. god bless you

 

[thequietsinger]

@Francie3:

I appreciate you answering. I don’t know if he does or not, but he hasn’t done anything like this, that I know of, in the past. I will take your advice, and not dwell on the past. Thank you so much. :tiphat:

 

[thequietsinger]

@angell1:

Thank you so much for answering! Don’t apologize. It’s okay. I kind of just wrote down what I thought and tried my best to explain it clearly, but I suppose I failed.

My Grandpa, my Aunt, and all of his family are Catholic. My Mom used to be Catholic, but my Dad didn’t want me baptized in the Catholic faith, which is why she converted to and why I’m Greek Orthodox. When my I tried to tell my Mom that I wanted to convert, before I mentioned anything about becoming a nun, she said I was just trying to latch on to something, which is untrue. The thought of converting never occurred to me until last January. So, if anyone will be upset, it will be my parents.

My Grandpa, Aunt, and Priest all believe God is working through me. When the Bishop was conducting a Mass, which I had no idea he was, I got sick right before Communion and had to leave. The Bishop asked about who I was, in which my Priest told him about how I was G.O. and that I had this vocation. He said, “She can take Communion.” And so, without even thinking of asking about it, I was granted permission from the Bishop to receive the Eucharist, by Canon Law, without being excommunicated.

My Grandpa hadn’t talked to me since Monday for some unknown reason, but my Aunt said that he was trying to reach out to me. This was last Friday. I went to talk to him, and he asked me if I had thought about becoming a nun. I was stunned. How did he know? I had only told 2 people, which is how I wanted it to be for a long time, but I couldn’t hide it from him. He was happy, but no where near as happy as what my Priest and Aunt are. I’m not sure why he wanted to give me the Rosary beads, but I wasn’t allowed to say no.

Jumping off topic, I don’t have a Priest where I’m at now, because there is no parish nearby, but I do plan on telling my new G.O. Priest about this vocation once I get to know him. Hopefully he’ll be understanding, seeing as I’ll be leaving his faith.

I’d like to say I’m sorry to everyone who read this post. I made no sense, and I wish I could fix it.

Have a good day, everyone!