Feeling lost/hopeless. Pregnant, encouragment needed

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

I have known my husband sense we were in highschool. When I married him he was a business owner with a healthy 6 figure salary. He was very put togther, sure of himself, decisive, and confident. All the local people knew him and would say what a fine business man he was and what a good father he was etc. and woman/ friends of mine would say they wished they could find someone as financially solid and kind/genuine as my husband. I felt so blessed to have married my best friend who happened to also be an amazing father figure and fantastic provider!

Then in 2009 I noticed a change in him that others did not quite notice. he began to make foolish business decisions that at first we ( meaning I ) was able to patch up because we had such a secure and plentiful savings account. As the blunders began occuring more and more the patching availability was less and less. I spoke with him about this and BEGGED him to get some help. Explaining that sopmething was def wrong and he was changing BIG time. By the 2011 it was obvious to everyone that he had changed and there was ‘talk’ happening amongst our commercial customers and some very high rollers in his business regarding whether or not he was a sure bet etc etc. by mid 2011 we were bankrupt, had lost everything and moved 2600 miles away to start over. :crying:

Once we were away from it all DH FINALLY agreed to see a DR and began taking antidepressents and this seeemd to make a HUGE difference. we began talking again and he said eh realized all the mistakes eh made with us and the business and he was very upset that he let 10 years go down the drain in bankrupcy. I told him I felt the meds were helping but that also being ‘away from it all’ was helping and that being right back in the thick of it would prolly bring him to his knees. Despite this protest, we moved back from where we had originally moved from and DH started the company again.

Once we moved back here he STOPPED taking the antidep. saying he never needed them in th first place and was cured/better. he’s back to making awful business choices. Now he is verbally abusing me and the children. I am almost 3 months pregnant with number 6. I honestly dont know what to do anymore. He says he had a ‘nervous break down’ and this is who he is now. I said eh was fine on the meds and he needs to stop being selfish and take them. so he will selfishly take 3 or 4 at a time (he is only supposed to take one a day) and then skip a day or a week or then take one a day for a week then skip a week etc. we walk on egg shells here. he is always ina foul mood usung foul language. he has gained 50 pounds sense i married him and it repulses me. He eats constantly, disgustingly. binge eating type stuff stuff. its goes all over his face and on his shirt, i wanna throw up just thinking about it. and then if I bring any of this up to him he throws a pitty party about himself saying we all hate him and he wa sonly good for anything when he made over 200,000 a year. Its not that. Its the verbal abuse. its the throwing things against the wall. its clearing a counter top and or table after I set it nicely. its screamign at teh kids that theya re F*** ups. at this point, I dont know what to do. I am wondering if putting this baby up for adoption and leaving is an option. And please dont say talk to a priest, because we already have. And please dont say go speak to a councelor, because we already have tried that as well. Thanks for reading if u got this far.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I’ve heard this story a lot. From alchoholics.

I’m not saying your husband is an alchoholic. I’m saying there’s some sort of ego-centric addiction or disorder going on here in my opinion. Balanced adults don’t call children “f-ups”.

Sounds like he hasn’t yet hit his “bottom”.

This won’t sound very supportive, but you seriously need to review your options (including those that don’t include him) and make a decision about what is possible and what might be best.

I would argue that his behavior towards your kids is not acceptable, and you shouldn’t enable it by ignoring it.

I have some experience here, from your side of the deal. Unless you take a stand (and a serious one), the verbal/emotional abuse may very well continue and/or get worse.

I pray that you find some peace soon, and that your husband does as well.

 

[Francie3]

VirtusTransitus makes some good points.

There’s something not right with your husband …and there is an aspect of ‘enabling’ behavior by accepting it, however reluctantly. By being there you are accepting it for your boys and you, but I understand the desire and even the need to hold the family together even if the situation is unbearable…though that isn’t necessarily the right option in some families.

Your husband’s modeling of manhood and fatherhood to your sons is…what no caring and responsible mother would wish, even aside from the damage of the emotional and mental abuse he is inflicting on you and your sons.

The temptation to adopt out your child…but how would you get over that!..and it doesn’t solve the issue with your three boys.
If you are even considering such a serious option, I assume you feel trapped and feel you and your boys, and the little one cannot survive without your husband even though he is destructive to you and your children on several levels.

I hope someone here can give you practical advice on practical assistance and directions for your region.

Kind wishes,
Francie

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have known my husband sense we were in highschool. When I married him he was a business owner with a healthy 6 figure salary. He was very put togther, sure of himself, decisive, and confident. All the local people knew him and would say what a fine business man he was and what a good father he was etc. and woman/ friends of mine would say they wished they could find someone as financially solid and kind/genuine as my husband. I felt so blessed to have married my best friend who happened to also be an amazing father figure and fantastic provider!

Then in 2009 I noticed a change in him that others did not quite notice. he began to make foolish business decisions that at first we ( meaning I ) was able to patch up because we had such a secure and plentiful savings account. As the blunders began occuring more and more the patching availability was less and less. I spoke with him about this and BEGGED him to get some help. Explaining that sopmething was def wrong and he was changing BIG time. By the 2011 it was obvious to everyone that he had changed and there was ‘talk’ happening amongst our commercial customers and some very high rollers in his business regarding whether or not he was a sure bet etc etc. by mid 2011 we were bankrupt, had lost everything and moved 2600 miles away to start over. :crying:

Once we were away from it all DH FINALLY agreed to see a DR and began taking antidepressents and this seeemd to make a HUGE difference. we began talking again and he said eh realized all the mistakes eh made with us and the business and he was very upset that he let 10 years go down the drain in bankrupcy. I told him I felt the meds were helping but that also being ‘away from it all’ was helping and that being right back in the thick of it would prolly bring him to his knees. Despite this protest, we moved back from where we had originally moved from and DH started the company again.

Once we moved back here he STOPPED taking the antidep. saying he never needed them in th first place and was cured/better. he’s back to making awful business choices. Now he is verbally abusing me and the children. I am almost 3 months pregnant with number 6. I honestly dont know what to do anymore. He says he had a ‘nervous break down’ and this is who he is now. I said eh was fine on the meds and he needs to stop being selfish and take them. so he will selfishly take 3 or 4 at a time (he is only supposed to take one a day) and then skip a day or a week or then take one a day for a week then skip a week etc. we walk on egg shells here. he is always ina foul mood usung foul language. he has gained 50 pounds sense i married him and it repulses me. He eats constantly, disgustingly. binge eating type stuff stuff. its goes all over his face and on his shirt, i wanna throw up just thinking about it. and then if I bring any of this up to him he throws a pitty party about himself saying we all hate him and he wa sonly good for anything when he made over 200,000 a year. Its not that. Its the verbal abuse. its the throwing things against the wall. its clearing a counter top and or table after I set it nicely. its screamign at teh kids that theya re F*** ups. at this point, I dont know what to do. I am wondering if putting this baby up for adoption and leaving is an option. And please dont say talk to a priest, because we already have. And please dont say go speak to a councelor, because we already have tried that as well. Thanks for reading if u got this far.

Do you have family that you can go back to? Take the children and get away from your husband. You do not have to put up with this sort of abuse. He needs help but he is taking it out on you, blaming you for his problems. Something happened to him - I don’t know if it was depression or bipolar, or something traumatic, or even something organic such as a brain malfunction. But at this point, he’s not seeking help and is taking it out on you and his children. You MUST protect them from this. You cannot put a baby up for adoption once you already have other children. What message does that send to them? You just need to get somewhere safe, where you and the children won’t be abused, and then set boundaries so your husband will have to get help before you will consider getting back together.

If you have been through counseling, it failed. You need another counselor, but he also needs a physical check-up and if he has a psychiatrist, that doctor needs to know that he is not taking his meds properly and is binge-eating, as well as abusing you.

 

[Regina_Love]

Adoption is an option, however your husband will need to sign over his rights. I would make sure he signs first. You will have your pick of families. You may choose Open, semi open, or closed adoption. Of course this option allowes you to prayerfully consider your options all the way till after the birth of the baby.

I would call social services & explain your situation. Ask about houseing, medical, food, and other services, as it doesn’t sound like you can rely on him for support. Yes, it is overwhelming at times, but it is do able! Hang in there Super Mom! Tell God your every need, and watch him provide one day at a time. Prepare your heart for miracles!

Praying for you!

 

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

Thank u for the replies. I wanted to clarify something. that theya re F*** ups…thats supposed to say that they eff up everything. woops. i typed it wrong. sorry. and although he can be verbally abusive, he def is not physically abusive. I just wanted to clarify that. divorce /seperation is not to be taken lightly in Catholism, so am wondering would verbal abuse be grounds for such an option??

 

[yellowbird]

Thank u for the replies. I wanted to clarify something. that theya re F*** ups…thats supposed to say that they eff up everything. woops. i typed it wrong. sorry. and although he can be verbally abusive, he def is not physically abusive. I just wanted to clarify that. divorce /seperation is not to be taken lightly in Catholism, so am wondering would verbal abuse be grounds for such an option??

If you were Catholic, you could leave him but not date or remarry until your marriage was anulled. You don’t have to stay with someone who is abusive to you or your children - physically, verbally or otherwise.

Where would you go? Would you be able to support yourself and the children? The question becomes are you better off with him or without him? Only you can answer that.

I am so sorry for your struggles - especially while pregnant. I wouldn’t make any decision about the baby until you are much further along - you may think adoption is best but change your mind once you have the baby. No reason to make a decision now.

:console:

 

[oldcatholicguy]

I have known my husband sense we were in highschool. When I married him he was a business owner with a healthy 6 figure salary. He was very put togther, sure of himself, decisive, and confident. All the local people knew him and would say what a fine business man he was and what a good father he was etc. and woman/ friends of mine would say they wished they could find someone as financially solid and kind/genuine as my husband. I felt so blessed to have married my best friend who happened to also be an amazing father figure and fantastic provider!

Then in 2009 I noticed a change in him that others did not quite notice. he began to make foolish business decisions that at first we ( meaning I ) was able to patch up because we had such a secure and plentiful savings account. As the blunders began occuring more and more the patching availability was less and less. I spoke with him about this and BEGGED him to get some help. Explaining that sopmething was def wrong and he was changing BIG time. By the 2011 it was obvious to everyone that he had changed and there was ‘talk’ happening amongst our commercial customers and some very high rollers in his business regarding whether or not he was a sure bet etc etc. by mid 2011 we were bankrupt, had lost everything and moved 2600 miles away to start over. :crying:

Once we were away from it all DH FINALLY agreed to see a DR and began taking antidepressents and this seeemd to make a HUGE difference. we began talking again and he said eh realized all the mistakes eh made with us and the business and he was very upset that he let 10 years go down the drain in bankrupcy. I told him I felt the meds were helping but that also being ‘away from it all’ was helping and that being right back in the thick of it would prolly bring him to his knees. Despite this protest, we moved back from where we had originally moved from and DH started the company again.

Once we moved back here he STOPPED taking the antidep. saying he never needed them in th first place and was cured/better. he’s back to making awful business choices. Now he is verbally abusing me and the children. I am almost 3 months pregnant with number 6. I honestly dont know what to do anymore. He says he had a ‘nervous break down’ and this is who he is now. I said eh was fine on the meds and he needs to stop being selfish and take them. so he will selfishly take 3 or 4 at a time (he is only supposed to take one a day) and then skip a day or a week or then take one a day for a week then skip a week etc. we walk on egg shells here. he is always ina foul mood usung foul language. he has gained 50 pounds sense i married him and it repulses me. He eats constantly, disgustingly. binge eating type stuff stuff. its goes all over his face and on his shirt, i wanna throw up just thinking about it. and then if I bring any of this up to him he throws a pitty party about himself saying we all hate him and he wa sonly good for anything when he made over 200,000 a year. Its not that. Its the verbal abuse. its the throwing things against the wall. its clearing a counter top and or table after I set it nicely. its screamign at teh kids that theya re F*** ups. at this point, I dont know what to do. I am wondering if putting this baby up for adoption and leaving is an option. And please dont say talk to a priest, because we already have. And please dont say go speak to a councelor, because we already have tried that as well. Thanks for reading if u got this far.

I’m not a medical expert. I am a person who suffers some mental health issues. What you describe in your post my wife could also describe about some of my behavior before the VA started to help me with my issues. Once again I’m not a medical expert, but I would suggest your husband go back to his doctor for a more complete examine and medication regime. I had similar weight gain due to my meds and similar eating habits, though not to the degree you describe, due to my illness. If it is a mental health issue, you won’t be able to help your husband unless he wants to get better. If he doesn’t want to get better than your primary concerns should be the children and yourself. I suggest you contact your priest or one of the Catholic social services agencies in your area for help (help for you and the children, helping the marriage will only be effective if your husband addresses his issues).

I don’t know if this helps, but for a while I was in denial about my mental health issues and the impact they were having on myself and my family. It took my family almost falling apart before I realized what was going on and forced myself out of the denial phase.

 

[oldcatholicguy]

I’ve heard this story a lot. From alchoholics.

I’m not saying your husband is an alchoholic. I’m saying there’s some sort of ego-centric addiction or disorder going on here in my opinion. Balanced adults don’t call children “f-ups”.

Sounds like he hasn’t yet hit his “bottom”.

This won’t sound very supportive, but you seriously need to review your options (including those that don’t include him) and make a decision about what is possible and what might be best.

I would argue that his behavior towards your kids is not acceptable, and you shouldn’t enable it by ignoring it.

I have some experience here, from your side of the deal. Unless you take a stand (and a serious one), the verbal/emotional abuse may very well continue and/or get worse.

I pray that you find some peace soon, and that your husband does as well.

And remember that options without him (as he currently is) aren’t selfish or mean. The welfare of the children comes first. Then your welfare. You aren’t trying to hurt your husband, you’re trying to protect your kids and yourself.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank u for the replies. I wanted to clarify something. that theya re F*** ups…thats supposed to say that they eff up everything. woops. i typed it wrong. sorry. and although he can be verbally abusive, he def is not physically abusive. I just wanted to clarify that. divorce /seperation is not to be taken lightly in Catholism, so am wondering would verbal abuse be grounds for such an option??

You stated

Its the verbal abuse. its the throwing things against the wall. its clearing a counter top and or table after I set it nicely. its screamign at teh kids that theya re F* ups.
**

Throwing things against the wall is physical abuse - directed at things, but the anger is threatening to people as well. Verbal abuse is abuse, words hurt our spirits, and yes, it is grounds for separation. How much is anyone called to put up with? Understand that your children are internalizing all that your husband is doing. By staying there and not protecting them, you are telling them that they have to accept this behavior. Your children may grow up to be like your husband by example.

If you have family to go to, please do.

 

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

My husband is def NOT an alcoholic or abusing any substance (except maybe food). We live a dry house hold and neither of us smoke cigg. or use drugs recreationally.
I def agree it is something mental going on. maybe he needfs like a psych consult or something to get to the bottom of this pendulum of his.

I am a little shocked at all the responces to leave or seperate etc. To me, it seems after 10 years of marriage only the past couple have been the issue and that sepeartion would not really be an option. I mentioned adoption because I am wondering if the stress of the children (we have 5 going on 6 chikldren under the age of 7) I dont neccessarily think that physical abuse should fall under the idea that he throws things at the wall as someone else mentioned. he has never laid a hand on me or the kids. picking up and throwing something against a wall is not physical abuse and it seems ludicrous to even put those two in the same category to me. maybe im being too picky?? but i dont think a cop or judge would say that is physicala buse either. He knows something is wrong. he admits he needs help usually followed by him saying he doesnt. so i think he is in denial about his mental health. he def needs help. i know this. its just a matter of knowing what to do now. and i dont really think abandoning him and dissasembling the family unit would be the answer.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I am a little shocked at all the responces to leave or seperate etc. To me, it seems after 10 years of marriage only the past couple have been the issue and that sepeartion would not really be an option. I mentioned adoption because I am wondering if the stress of the children (we have 5 going on 6 chikldren under the age of 7) I dont neccessarily think that physical abuse should fall under the idea that he throws things at the wall as someone else mentioned. he has never laid a hand on me or the kids. picking up and throwing something against a wall is not physical abuse and it seems ludicrous to even put those two in the same category to me. maybe im being too picky?? but i dont think a cop or judge would say that is physicala buse either. He knows something is wrong. he admits he needs help usually followed by him saying he doesnt. so i think he is in denial about his mental health. he def needs help. i know this. its just a matter of knowing what to do now. and i dont really think abandoning him and dissasembling the family unit would be the answer.

My heart goes out to you on this. I’m dealing with a similar situation. So I’m going to be frank. I hope you won’t take it the wrong way. My very direct questions are delivered in a spirit of hope and charity towards you and your kids.

Do you believe that violent, angry outbursts like throwing items against the wall or clearing tables and countertops isn’t verbal and emotional abuse? What are your kids learning by his behavior, or your acceptance of it? What if a fragment from something thrown or shoved hits you or one of the kids? Is that an accident? Or is that a direct physical result of his abusive behavior?

Are you only really worried about actual physical abuse? If he continues to take out his stress and frustration on you, your kids and your belongings, is that acceptable as long as he never intentionally strikes one of you?

If his current behavior drove you to seek out some advice and brotherhood on the forum, do you imagine you can will him to change that behavior through reasoning with him?

Sorry to be so direct, but I have first hand experience with this and am still dealing with it. I think you should talk to a professional counselor ASAP. However, here’s my two cents for now: Unless you are willing to live with this behavior forever, or the consequences of a very tragic worsening of the behavior, I recommend you strongly consider separating yourself and your kids from him temporarily but significantly (different house, limited supervised contact). Then use that time to examine what’s really happening and whether he’s willing to take very significant and permanent steps to amend his behavior.

Again, I think your next step is to see a professional counselor on your own (church or otherwise), describe what’s going on, and get their professional advice.

Love and charity and being Catholic do not require you to accept your husband’s behavior. You must forgive him, but all that means is that your actions contribute to his best interest. He has to be miserable if he’s prone to this kind of behavior, and you and your kids are not the cause of his misery. You have to wrap your mind around that. It would be a very loving and charitable thing to force a person in misery to confront the situation full on and come to a remedy or at least full understanding.

Sorry for the tone. Hope some of it is useful. I mean it all in complete charity.

 

[mrs_ahs]

I have known my husband sense we were in highschool. When I married him he was a business owner with a healthy 6 figure salary. He was very put togther, sure of himself, decisive, and confident. All the local people knew him and would say what a fine business man he was and what a good father he was etc. and woman/ friends of mine would say they wished they could find someone as financially solid and kind/genuine as my husband. I felt so blessed to have married my best friend who happened to also be an amazing father figure and fantastic provider!

Then in 2009 I noticed a change in him that others did not quite notice. he began to make foolish business decisions that at first we ( meaning I ) was able to patch up because we had such a secure and plentiful savings account. As the blunders began occuring more and more the patching availability was less and less. I spoke with him about this and BEGGED him to get some help. Explaining that sopmething was def wrong and he was changing BIG time. By the 2011 it was obvious to everyone that he had changed and there was ‘talk’ happening amongst our commercial customers and some very high rollers in his business regarding whether or not he was a sure bet etc etc. by mid 2011 we were bankrupt, had lost everything and moved 2600 miles away to start over. :crying:

Once we were away from it all DH FINALLY agreed to see a DR and began taking antidepressents and this seeemd to make a HUGE difference. we began talking again and he said eh realized all the mistakes eh made with us and the business and he was very upset that he let 10 years go down the drain in bankrupcy. I told him I felt the meds were helping but that also being ‘away from it all’ was helping and that being right back in the thick of it would prolly bring him to his knees. Despite this protest, we moved back from where we had originally moved from and DH started the company again.

Once we moved back here he STOPPED taking the antidep. saying he never needed them in th first place and was cured/better. he’s back to making awful business choices. Now he is verbally abusing me and the children. I am almost 3 months pregnant with number 6. I honestly dont know what to do anymore. He says he had a ‘nervous break down’ and this is who he is now. I said eh was fine on the meds and he needs to stop being selfish and take them. so he will selfishly take 3 or 4 at a time (he is only supposed to take one a day) and then skip a day or a week or then take one a day for a week then skip a week etc. we walk on egg shells here. he is always ina foul mood usung foul language. he has gained 50 pounds sense i married him and it repulses me. He eats constantly, disgustingly. binge eating type stuff stuff. its goes all over his face and on his shirt, i wanna throw up just thinking about it. and then if I bring any of this up to him he throws a pitty party about himself saying we all hate him and he wa sonly good for anything when he made over 200,000 a year. Its not that. Its the verbal abuse. its the throwing things against the wall. its clearing a counter top and or table after I set it nicely. its screamign at teh kids that theya re F*** ups. at this point, I dont know what to do. I am wondering if putting this baby up for adoption and leaving is an option. And please dont say talk to a priest, because we already have. And please dont say go speak to a councelor, because we already have tried that as well. Thanks for reading if u got this far.

Wow, he sounds JUST like my father. He was bipolar, and was an alcoholic. I remember him doing the same things - slamming things against the wall, yelling, scaring us. He never laid a hand on us either - he didn’t have to. He had us under his control and living in fear without having to beat us. He finally left when I was nine, and it was a relief to have peace in our home again. I will always have the bad memories of him yelling and screaming, the verbal abuse, my parents screaming at each other, the horrible fights, etc. I wish it would have stopped sooner, but at least it stopped. My brother, who is now 30, has suffered life altering consequences because of my father. If he had never had a father, he would have been much better off.

I agree with the last poster. You have a moral obligation to protect your children from harm. Your husband has already disassembled the family unit. Your physical separation from him would not only force him to confront this truth, but it would protect your children and give them a sense of peace. It does not mean you have to get a divorce. It does not mean you don’t love your husband. It does not mean you are abandoning him. It would be helpful to him in the long run. But you are talking about staying with him and then putting your baby up for adoption! Then you are backpedaling and making excuses for his behavior. There is nothing sinful in physically separating yourself from your husband to protect your children, but there is something sinful in continuing to expose your children to verbal and emotional abuse. I’ve been there. I don’t think you would have come here if what you are doing now is working. You can’t force your husband to do anything. If counseling and talking to a priest are not an option, what other options do you have? Giving your baby up for adoption will solve nothing - you will have one less child to raise, you will be emotionally distraught, and your husband will continue with his abusive behavior. The only thing that can force change on his part, is for you to change your behavior by taking the kids and going somewhere safe for now. Sometimes doing the right thing will be hurtful for a time, for both of you, but your husband is going to have to go through a lot of hurt before he heals.

 

[7armyrugrats]

My dad was a police officer (MP for 8 years, city police 25 years, state police 5 years), and he was very clear that when a house is as disruptive as you are saying it is extremely dangerous. What you describe IS domestic violence. This is a situation that can turn deadly in a matter of seconds, and usually it is NOT intentional. During a rage, when your husband us tossing things, he is not in control of his actions. It is highly likely that little ones could be at the wrong place at the wrong time and injured. How many babies under two years old die at the hands of parents who love them but momentarily lost their temper? How many pregnant mamas have been hurt by a partner who was frustrated and stressed? Unfortunately what your family is going through is far too common and something that even in small town America the police see several times a day.

What my father would recommend were he still here today would be to call tge police the next time your husband flies off the handle like that. Often people fear police involvement, but it is often the wake up call a family needs. You will have another adult who can attest to the fact that your husband is out of control and needs help. The officers may very well be able to remove him from the home for a cool down period that might include a psych evaluation. Different places have different ways of doing things but many areas now deal with domestic violence in this way. With enough prayers and luck, maybe it will help your husband hit bottom. I am sorry you are needing to deal with all of this and with so many little people depending on you. My biggest concern though is that you seem to want to condemn your husband in one breath and then defend him in the very next. You try to find excuses as to why he is doing what he does and also try to reduce the severity of his actions. Its ok for you to criticize him, but no one else is allowed to. This is extremely common in abusive relationships. It is how the abuser keeps the upper hand. Please consider asking the police for help especially if you no longer think a priest or therapist is an option. There are way too many people in your shoes. It’s not going to get better if you take no steps to make it better

 

[Irishmom2]

My husband is def NOT an alcoholic or abusing any substance (except maybe food). We live a dry house hold and neither of us smoke cigg. or use drugs recreationally.
I def agree it is something mental going on. maybe he needfs like a psych consult or something to get to the bottom of this pendulum of his.

I am a little shocked at all the responces to leave or seperate etc. To me, it seems after 10 years of marriage only the past couple have been the issue and that sepeartion would not really be an option. I mentioned adoption because I am wondering if the stress of the children (we have 5 going on 6 chikldren under the age of 7) I dont neccessarily think that physical abuse should fall under the idea that he throws things at the wall as someone else mentioned. he has never laid a hand on me or the kids. picking up and throwing something against a wall is not physical abuse and it seems ludicrous to even put those two in the same category to me. maybe im being too picky?? but i dont think a cop or judge would say that is physicala buse either. He knows something is wrong. he admits he needs help usually followed by him saying he doesnt. so i think he is in denial about his mental health. he def needs help. i know this. its just a matter of knowing what to do now. and i dont really think abandoning him and dissasembling the family unit would be the answer.

I know this is very difficult for you, especially since you are currently pregnant. **Please, **since you value marriage and family, do not give up your baby for adoption. As someone else said, what does that say to the other children? Will mommy give me away? No, the baby is not the problem. Your husband needs to get help. I know that you said you have tried counseling, but try again. You need to find someone that is a good fit. And it sounds like your husband, at least in the beginning, cannot be in charge of his own meds. You may need to dole them out on a daily basis as he has shown he is irresponsible in taking them.

You know, I know you don’t see it this way, but throwing things, destroying things is a frightening thing for a child to witness. They fear what is possible, they fear the unkown. They have a right to be in a safe and peaceful home. I think when people are suggesting separation, they are doing so with the feeling that perhaps it would be until your husband got his act together, not permanently. Sometimes, separation allows a person to see how life would be without their loved ones around and cause them to change for the better.

You would not be abandoning him. You would merely be givng him a chance to get help without the stress you think his family might be cousing. I am sure that he feels a big pressure to provide for his family, but his way of dealing with it is not healthy.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Throwing things and breaking things in anger s a THREAT. It says without words, “I can do this to YOU as well.” Children understand the message on a visceral level. Sometimes we adults can talk ourselves out of what we, too, understand.

Please take your children to a safe place and tell your husband that he needs to get help for his anger issues. As IrishMom said, the baby is not the problem; it is your husband who has the responsibility for what will happen next.

 

[AngelEyes4Jesus]

To answer a couple Qs. The reason I condem my husband and then defend him is simple. There has been a drastic change in him over the past 2-3 years. he was an entriely different person for the past 7 years of marriage, + the 4 years I knew him in high school. SOMETHING has changed. and I wanna find out what. Also maybe I should ahve been more specific in saying hopw many times a month this activity occurs to put things in perspective. Granted arguing him about taking his meds occurs prolly 1-2x a week, his spiraling of sad/angry/ etc behavior is once every 5- 6 weeks. It lasts for a 4 -7days and then he seems back to normal. and during these episodes of behavior id say 1 out of 4 end w him being angry enough to throw something at a wall or raise his voice at us. That is a small % of our lives and the children’s lives when the rest of the time he is more his ol normal self. The more i read and do research, tthe more it resembles bipolar to me. It cycles like bipoalr too. I can literally see when an ‘episode’ is coming by his language (he becomes a debbie downer) and because he looses motivation to do anything folllowed by lots of disorganized behavior and ideas of grandeur. when he is not having an episode of this behavior he doesnt use too much bad language, hardly drops the f bomb and is very patient and def more stable (his perosnality is a pendulum when he is cycling) I agree perhaps the best thing to do would be to leave …if only to get him to see how serious i am that he needs help and needs to take his meds. But i really just 100% DO NOT agree that he is an abusive person. or that we have an abusive marriage as someone else stated. the majority of the time is spent enjoying eachothers company, working hard, and home schooling the kids togther. I came on here and wrote the original post directly after an episode of hiswhich i think is why it is wriotten so raw. the last episode befoe that was prolly 6 weeks ago and I dont know when the next one will be. but I certainly am not quick to lump him into a category of an alcoholic who abused his kids and daily threw things against walls and broke stuff etc. This is a man who works many hours a week, comes home to help hom,e school the children, helps w the house work, takes care of the children and makes dinner 4 nioghtts out of the week because I work 2nd shift and then has a 4-7 day period where he is depressed, wants to be left alone and doesnt even weanan get outa bed to get dressed or washed up in the AM. there is a problem. he is cycling. he is having very definite episodes of this repeatative behavior, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

 

[Carina20]

My husband is def NOT an alcoholic or abusing any substance (except maybe food). We live a dry house hold and neither of us smoke cigg. or use drugs recreationally.
I def agree it is something mental going on. maybe he needfs like a psych consult or something to get to the bottom of this pendulum of his.

I am a little shocked at all the responces to leave or seperate etc. To me, it seems after 10 years of marriage only the past couple have been the issue and that sepeartion would not really be an option. I mentioned adoption because I am wondering if the stress of the children (we have 5 going on 6 chikldren under the age of 7) I dont neccessarily think that physical abuse should fall under the idea that he throws things at the wall as someone else mentioned. he has never laid a hand on me or the kids. picking up and throwing something against a wall is not physical abuse and it seems ludicrous to even put those two in the same category to me. maybe im being too picky?? but i dont think a cop or judge would say that is physicala buse either. He knows something is wrong. he admits he needs help usually followed by him saying he doesnt. so i think he is in denial about his mental health. he def needs help. i know this. its just a matter of knowing what to do now. and i dont really think abandoning him and dissasembling the family unit would be the answer.

Your husband needs some kind of help. But if he acts like this in front of your kids, then it is a bad example for them. You don’t have to abandon your husband forever.You do have to protect your kids from picking up the bad examples. But he needs to be somewhere where he can get the help he needs away from you and your kids until he gets better or stays on his medicine or another type of therapy. I don’t think you should file for separation if you don’t want to, but taking the kids to stay with a relative for a while and checking in with him by phone on a regular basis and making sure someone is there, a trusted male friend that can help your husband and hold him accountable, maybe a priest. But regardless of your decision, you should meet with a priest together. You married him for better or worse, and sometimes marriage is difficult, more difficult than either person thought at the beginning, but let your husband know you love him and want him to get better and are looking out for your children, not that you are doing anything because you are mad at him. He has a mental health problem and needs help you know better than anyone that what your husband is really like.

 

[7armyrugrats]

To answer a couple Qs. The reason I condem my husband and then defend him is simple. There has been a drastic change in him over the past 2-3 years. he was an entriely different person for the past 7 years of marriage, + the 4 years I knew him in high school. SOMETHING has changed. and I wanna find out what. Also maybe I should ahve been more specific in saying hopw many times a month this activity occurs to put things in perspective. Granted arguing him about taking his meds occurs prolly 1-2x a week, his spiraling of sad/angry/ etc behavior is once every 5- 6 weeks. It lasts for a 4 -7days and then he seems back to normal. and during these episodes of behavior id say 1 out of 4 end w him being angry enough to throw something at a wall or raise his voice at us. That is a small % of our lives and the children’s lives when the rest of the time he is more his ol normal self. The more i read and do research, tthe more it resembles bipolar to me. It cycles like bipoalr too. I can literally see when an ‘episode’ is coming by his language (he becomes a debbie downer) and because he looses motivation to do anything folllowed by lots of disorganized behavior and ideas of grandeur. when he is not having an episode of this behavior he doesnt use too much bad language, hardly drops the f bomb and is very patient and def more stable (his perosnality is a pendulum when he is cycling) I agree perhaps the best thing to do would be to leave …if only to get him to see how serious i am that he needs help and needs to take his meds. But i really just 100% DO NOT agree that he is an abusive person. or that we have an abusive marriage as someone else stated. the majority of the time is spent enjoying eachothers company, working hard, and home schooling the kids togther. I came on here and wrote the original post directly after an episode of hiswhich i think is why it is wriotten so raw. the last episode befoe that was prolly 6 weeks ago and I dont know when the next one will be. but I certainly am not quick to lump him into a category of an alcoholic who abused his kids and daily threw things against walls and broke stuff etc. This is a man who works many hours a week, comes home to help hom,e school the children, helps w the house work, takes care of the children and makes dinner 4 nioghtts out of the week because I work 2nd shift and then has a 4-7 day period where he is depressed, wants to be left alone and doesnt even weanan get outa bed to get dressed or washed up in the AM. there is a problem. he is cycling. he is having very definite episodes of this repeatative behavior, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

I think I understand a little more after this post. You see this as a “For better or worse, in sickness and in health,” situation. You probably are correct in seeing it as probable bipolar episodes. Is it possible for you to talk to his doctor about this? Could you p(name removed by moderator)oint anything that seems to trigger these episodes? Are you able to get your husband to correctly take his meds? If you left with the kids for a time do you think it would make him realize that he needs to get a handle on his problem? Mental illness is so very hard to cope with for everyone involved. Still, even if he is diagnosed with an illness, your priority needs to be your children and their well-being. Have you tried leaving with the kids when he is in a rage? Kind of like putting a child in a time-out?

 

[Carina20]

The more i read and do research, tthe more it resembles bipolar to me. It cycles like bipoalr too. I can literally see when an ‘episode’ is coming by his language (he becomes a debbie downer) and because he looses motivation to do anything folllowed by lots of disorganized behavior and ideas of grandeur. when he is not having an episode of this behavior he doesnt use too much bad language, hardly drops the f bomb and is very patient and def more stable (his perosnality is a pendulum when he is cycling) I agree perhaps the best thing to do would be to leave …if only to get him to see how serious i am that he needs help and needs to take his meds. But i really just 100% DO NOT agree that he is an abusive person. or that we have an abusive marriage as someone else stated. the majority of the time is spent enjoying eachothers company, working hard, and home schooling the kids togther. I came on here and wrote the original post directly after an episode of hiswhich i think is why it is wriotten so raw. the last episode befoe that was prolly 6 weeks ago and I dont know when the next one will be. but I certainly am not quick to lump him into a category of an alcoholic who abused his kids and daily threw things against walls and broke stuff etc. This is a man who works many hours a week, comes home to help hom,e school the children, helps w the house work, takes care of the children and makes dinner 4 nioghtts out of the week because I work 2nd shift and then has a 4-7 day period where he is depressed, wants to be left alone and doesnt even weanan get outa bed to get dressed or washed up in the AM. there is a problem. he is cycling. he is having very definite episodes of this repeatative behavior, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

It does sound similar to bipolar disorder. My aunt has that. She and my uncle are still married and happy. As long as the person gets help and stay on the meds.