Feeling modest when your body isn't "modest"

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This is something I’ve always struggled with. I know we’re supposed to be modest - but it seems much more difficult when you don’t have a standard body shape. Most of the women I’ve seen held up as modesty images are slim women with fairly straight bodies. I am…not that. I was actually trying on bras recently and discovered a DDD cup size is too small.

So for example, one of the things I was taught was to not wear anything that draws attention to your chest. Let’s be honest, anything that’s not an oversize men’s t-shirt draws attention to my chest. And of course there’s the fact that if you work at anywhere that wants nice clothing, there’s a certain expectation that women’s clothing is going to be at least somewhat fitted. And there is a certain natural desire not to be unduly constrained in your clothing choices because of having a different body.

There’s also the fact that, fair or not, some bodies are more sexualized in our society than others. Bodies like mine are going to be seen as more sexual even if I’m wearing the exact same thing as a woman with a different figure - even assuming it’s appropriately sized for both of us.

How do you judge and feel that you’re being modest when your body just doesn’t seem to match up with what modest women look like?
 
Your body isn’t something to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong with fitted tops. Where whatever you are comfortable with as anyone who judges you for your shape has the problem.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
Your body isn’t something to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong with fitted tops. Where whatever you are comfortable with as anyone who judges you for your shape has the problem.
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Right. Your body is not immodest. Getting a well fitted bra or two will help with a good drape for your clothes, and no, you don’t have to wear sacks.

Modesty is not about hiding your body, but revealing that you are a child of God.
 
And I do apologize if I talk about this topic a lot. I find myself caught between the “don’t do anything that might make a guy look at your body” that I grew up with and the secular “whatever you wear is fine” and often struggling to find a proper Catholic understanding. There’s so little good teaching out there sometimes!
 
Far be it for me—a guy—to chime in here. :o But my wife is in the same boat, and I’ve always appreciate her sense of modesty, as well as her fashion sense. She likes to have nice-looking clothes, but she also doesn’t want to put everything on display. It is trickier for her to find stuff, but she does always manage to find it somehow. If a shirt is too form-fitting, she generally has some little coordinated overcoat (or whatever you call it—I’m not up on the names of these things). She won’t buy stuff with low cut neck lines or thin shoulder straps.

Modesty is a virtue. I don’t think God would make it impossible to practice by virtue of our body type. I think if we can avoid the extremes of “It doesn’t matter what I wear” and “I must only wear shapeless plaid jumpers”, then we are in good shape. No pun intended. :o
 
I think that avoiding drawing attention is more like: “don’t wear (metaphorical) arrows pointing there” than it is “downplay what is there to the point that no one will notice!”

That book on modesty gives the advice to lean over when trying on a blouse/shirt to make sure the gap is not too much (I liked the specificity of that!). Also, with contrasting-color knits, make sure they don’t strain so much that they show what is underneath.

Maybe a general rule would be make sure whatever you’re wearing does not reveal what you want to cover (which can be hard with some of the transparent clothes these days :eek:)

And that is pretty much what you have control over. I know fashion people say to do something fancy with your hair or wear dangly earrings to draw attention to your face.

I know that this is a tough situation; my close friend in high school had the same problem and it was hard for her.

—Annie
 
DarkLight said:
This is something I’ve always struggled with. I know we’re supposed to be modest - but it seems much more difficult when you don’t have a standard body shape. Most of the women I’ve seen held up as modesty images are slim women with fairly straight bodies. I am…not that. I was actually trying on bras recently and discovered a DDD cup size is too small.

So for example, one of the things I was taught was to not wear anything that draws attention to your chest. Let’s be honest, anything that’s not an oversize men’s t-shirt draws attention to my chest. And of course there’s the fact that if you work at anywhere that wants nice clothing, there’s a certain expectation that women’s clothing is going to be at least somewhat fitted. And there is a certain natural desire not to be unduly constrained in your clothing choices because of having a different body.

There’s also the fact that, fair or not, some bodies are more sexualized in our society than others. Bodies like mine are going to be seen as more sexual even if I’m wearing the exact same thing as a woman with a different figure - even assuming it’s appropriately sized for both of us.

How do you judge and feel that you’re being modest when your body just doesn’t seem to match up with what modest women look like?
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It depends on a person’s *intent *as much as anything else, whether or not we’re flaunting it.
 
Well…to simply put it, it’s their problem, not yours.

Just make sure there is no cleavage at all. If you want to go the extra mile, you can wear scarves and all to help avoid the lustful stares but I genuinely don’t see why someone has to hide her body because of something she cannot help.

The shape of your body isn’t sinful. Just go about your day. If anyone tries to act like your clothes are wrong, ask them if they are willing to take you shopping + pay for more modest clothes.
 
DarkLight said:
And I do apologize if I talk about this topic a lot. I find myself caught between the “don’t do anything that might make a guy look at your body” that I grew up with and the secular “whatever you wear is fine” and often struggling to find a proper Catholic understanding. There’s so little good teaching out there sometimes!
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I am sure you already know this, but the concept of “modesty” you were raised with is focused on the wrong thing: namely, how a woman’s clothing affects men. And of course, that standard is an exhausting moving target that leads to self-consciousness and scrupulosity. Modesty in dressing should instead be focused on our dignity as a person, although the exact expression of that varies with the situation and culture. Don’t overthink it; just find appropriate clothing that makes you feel pretty. (That’s how I go about it, anyway; maybe others can offer more practical suggestions. :))

Your body is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is not possible to be immodest simply because of the shape of your body.
 
I agree as long as your top covers all of your chest, with nothing showing, is not tight and your bra stops anything showing through then you’re done your part !
 
St_Francis said:
That book on modesty gives the advice to lean over when trying on a blouse/shirt to make sure the gap is not too much (I liked the specificity of that!). Also, with contrasting-color knits, make sure they don’t strain so much that they show what is underneath.

Maybe a general rule would be make sure whatever you’re wearing does not reveal what you want to cover (which can be hard with some of the transparent clothes these days :eek:)

And that is pretty much what you have control over. I know fashion people say to do something fancy with your hair or wear dangly earrings to draw attention to your face.
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I was always taught that a lady places a hand to her chest when bending over. Seems to be a good habit, especially with women’s dress shirts - I end up wearing a lot of scoop necks because that’s what’s out there that fits me.

There isn’t much I can do with what little hair I have though, I’m afraid. I’m sure that would shock a few of the more conservative individuals I grew up with. 😃
 
I have found that layering is best for me. This site has modest blouses, the Brittany and Eliza blouses are my favs. They also carry a half shirt for layering. I wear tank tops backwards and love those high neck shells to wear with an over blouse. These are pricey but you can look for similar ones, I find them in thrifts and Ross or Marshalls.

modli.co/tops.html?gclid=CK36uYCZh9QCFU48gQodvToE2Q
 
Casilda said:
I have found that layering is best for me. This site has modest blouses, the Brittany and Eliza blouses are my favs. They also carry a half shirt for layering. I wear tank tops backwards and love those high neck shells to wear with an over blouse. These are pricey but you can look for similar ones, I find them in thrifts and Ross or Marshalls.

modli.co/tops.html?gclid=CK36uYCZh9QCFU48gQodvToE2Q
Click to expand...
I never liked layering much. It’s great if you’re driving everywhere and live in nice airconditioned apartment and whatnot…
 
Frankly, if one’s definition of Catholic modesty is “avoid all clothing that may draw a man’s attention” then the ONLY option is to dress like an Arab woman. That’s it. Anything else WILL draw male attention. Always. Guaranteed. Even loose fitting sweat pants draw some men’s attention on an attractive woman.
And that’s OK. Attention doesn’t always equal lust either.
 
twf said:
Frankly, if one’s definition of Catholic modesty is “avoid all clothing that may draw a man’s attention” then the ONLY option is to dress like an Arab woman. That’s it. Anything else WILL draw male attention. Always. Guaranteed. Even loose fitting sweat pants draw some men’s attention on an attractive woman.
And that’s OK. Attention doesn’t always equal lust either.
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Actually there was a comic from an Iranian woman in a burqua. She was told that she shouldn’t run (she was trying to catch a bus) because it made her rear end jiggle and that was distracting to men.

Quite sensibly, her response was to tell the man to refrain from looking at her rear.
 
DarkLight said:
Actually there was a comic from an Iranian woman in a burqua. She was told that she shouldn’t run (she was trying to catch a bus) because it made her rear end jiggle and that was distracting to men.

Quite sensibly, her response was to tell the man to refrain from looking at her rear.
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Excellent point. Modesty is very much culturally subjective (yes, I know this will be followed by about 100 CAFers screaming that Catholic modesty equates 1950 American cultural values…but even the Catechism acknowledges this point). A woman can be fully covered in black from head to toe…her face is invisible…and a man can still get distracted. When CAFers point to examples of modesty, its usually something that would have got you stoned to death in 1st century Palestine :p.
 
I am overly endowed also. I know its hard to find tops and dresses that are not overly revealing being both plus sized and a larger bust. I do what I can to be modest, and many times large scarves are my friends for tops that go a bit lower than I like.
 
Again, “modesty” is in the eye of the beholder, and what for some is considered indecent, others would see as fine. I wouldn’t worry over it too much. There’s what I call a “happy medium”. I’m not drawn to what would be called “conservative” dress. I like to look pretty, trendy, and girly, yet it’s not a “trashy” look. I’m very small boned, petite, and so thin that I have to shop in the junior department of the stores. I’m attracted to long, frilly minidresses, which I sometimes wear over leggings or white skinnyjeans and ballet flats. I’m more of a skirt or dress girl though. I’m fine with halter and strapless dresses and think they’re very pretty, actually. I’m always drawn to things like that. I think as long as you’re not looking distastefully indecent (which can be a putoff) you’re fine. Again, it all goes back to that Garden. Things really were better before sin had to ruin everything, because look, we would have all been able to just go around naked. The female body is beautiful, and God designed it. Yet I also believe that, now that we are of a fallen world, we need to be mindful of what really is right as far as dressing and what isn’t. Another poster said how sometimes, if you feel a top is too lowcut, if you lean over to just put your hand against your chest to keep it from billowing out. Actually, that’s what I do too. A girl can look pretty without looking grossly indecent. I think, deep within us, we all know what just looks right and what doesn’t. To me, looking grossly indecent just isn’t even attractive, not only to other girls but to guys as well.
 
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