Feeling neglected in marriage

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aggiecatholic85

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I have the misfortune to be married to a band director, a profession in our state that has an extremely high divorce rate.

We have a 19 month old son and I’m pregnant with our 2nd child. Our typical day consists of the following
  • he wakes at 4am, showers and leaves the house at 5:30am
  • I’m usually up around the same time as much as I can manage, get him breakfast, see him out the door
  • I take care of the housework, baby and work a part-time job as well all day and have dinner ready for him whenever he says he’ll be home
  • because of after-school activities and his need to get work done at the school, we’re lucky if we see him before 8pm. By this point, our toddler needs to be in bed and I’m reaching my breaking point.
  • He gets home, late dinner, doesn’t really want to talk about anything that day, just unwind on his laptop or goes straight to bed after dinner.
  • While we originally had an agreement that he would at least do dishes before bed, he has tossed this aside in favor of him going to bed.
  • He goes to bed, I’m left to clean up the kitchen and baby mess just to get by for the next day.
    -I go to bed.
Start over. To top it off, he’s gone all day Saturdays too for competitions, rehearsals, concerts, fundraisers, etc. I go to Mass alone with my toddler. We tried going to morning Masses on Sundays but it’s never consistent nor at our parish. Since we have 3 parishes that stagger times for Mass on Sundays, he chooses to sleep in and “pick the Mass that works out when he gets up” and you can imagine this does not always work out with our son’s schedule.

Did I mention that he’s NOT the head band director but an assistant?

We barely talk because it’s too stressful for him. I have no help with housework, our son barely sees his father because he’s either asleep when Daddy gets home or Daddy is too exhausted to do much with him. I’m the one initiating a prayer life, reminding us of nightly prayer or trying to get my husband involved in a novena or something to pray together nightly. He’s “too tired and needs to sleep or unwind.”

I’m really beginning to feel like a live-in housekeeper and nanny. I can’t remember the last time we did something together because he’s too exhausted physically and emotionally from what he pours into his work. I know it’s going to become worse when the new baby arrives because my work load will double.

I’m trying to bring some togetherness back- leaving flirty notes on the bathroom mirror or a special candy treat in his lunch. He doesn’t want to have sex. We “can’t afford” to go out according to him or (again) he’s tired.

Recently, a comment of his really alarmed me. In the morning, I usually ask what he dreamt about and I share my dreams (pregnancy dreams are CRAZY). Well, lately, his dreams have been sexual in nature involving students of his that he teaches in after school rehearsals. I realize that you can’t control dreams, but it just hurt a lot to hear that, especially when these girls are spending more time with my husband than me.

I need suggestions on what to do. I have a hard time believing him when he insists that EVERYTHING he does is the minimum required to keep his job. I know for a fact that he is taking on the job of the head band director because they are too slow or don’t get things done. Something needs to change and I don’t know what- apparently, I “don’t understand the dynamic of his job” (not that he cares to explain it to me). It doesn’t help that his co-workers have “solved” their marriage problems with either divorce, separation or “open marriages.” We are quite literally the only still-married couple out of the band directors in the (large) district.

I’ve spoken with our priest and he sympathizes, but being a former band student himself, he feels that my husband makes a huge impact on the band students (many of whom are parishoners at our church) and says it would be terrible if my husband changed jobs.

Please help. I don’t want to become emotionally distant from my husband and I don’t want to give up, but I feel like I’m the only one doing anything to connect in this marriage. All I’m doing lately is crying and praying.
 
Unfortunatly you may be stuck in a hard place. Teaching is a tough job. And to keep his job its likely a “must” and not a nice thing to do to go to concerts and contests.

It probably is quite a let down after the summer.

I have a good friend who has the exact job. He actually is remaining single until he can figure how not to work 14 hour days. It’s tough. None of us see him from september till december. He takes vacation seriously though. Then its disapeared from jan to june.

Hassling him probably hurts more. It is important you understand that it is the only way he can provide. Let him know you support all school time work but you expect vacations to be family time.
 
purplesunshine said:
Unfortunatly you may be stuck in a hard place. Teaching is a tough job. And to keep his job its likely a “must” and not a nice thing to do to go to concerts and contests.

It probably is quite a let down after the summer.

I have a good friend who has the exact job. He actually is remaining single until he can figure how not to work 14 hour days. It’s tough. None of us see him from september till december. He takes vacation seriously though. Then its disapeared from jan to june.

Hassling him probably hurts more. It is important you understand that it is the only way he can provide. Let him know you support all school time work but you expect vacations to be family time.
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You would think…he’s signing up to substitute teach during the summer and has marching band starting in late July. Why? Because he “gets bored at home all the time.”
 
aggiecatholic85 said:
You would think…he’s signing up to substitute teach during the summer and has marching band starting in late July. Why? Because he “gets bored at home all the time.”
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So this is what you need to work on. Accept the job but explain to him the extras are a no-go so you and he can do family things.
 
Do you often want to verbalize what you just typed here, but can never find the words or it doesn’t come out right? Your post here was well-organized and detailed, telling me that you’ve been thinking about it for a while. But if you have trouble communicating it, maybe you could write him a letter? Some people make arguments better in written form, and this is such an important issue that you should be heard out
 
ChiRho said:
Do you often want to verbalize what you just typed here, but can never find the words or it doesn’t come out right? Your post here was well-organized and detailed, telling me that you’ve been thinking about it for a while. But if you have trouble communicating it, maybe you could write him a letter? Some people make arguments better in written form, and this is such an important issue that you should be heard out
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I agree with your comments regarding Aggie’s post. There isn’t any advice needed for her own efforts and offerings. What more could she do!
I hope if she writes a letter she does better than I did in the early years when no other form of communication got through. My husband used to file the letters away unread…neatly filed in date order!

Aggie I guess your husband has discovered the hard reality of marriage, ordinary life, and young child. No, it isn’t glamorous and maybe it doesn’t stroke the ego, unless one invests in the" little" yet important and huge things, like the thoughtful wife, good mother, the little child’s smile and small achievements.

Your husband seems to be achievement driven. My husband was, which ended finally as a major stress breakdown, so severe that he has never recovered.
Anxious as you feel and painful as it is, I can only suggest that you’re careful not to put pressures on him, even of your anxiousness, in the hope that he is a little drawn in, in time, with your loveliness of smile and warmth.

He’s wearing himself out so anything that seems like pressure from you, even the pressure of your unhappiness and your just sense of unfairness, adds to the pressure that can drive him away.

Yes, it’s terribly unfair, and you deserve the best. You sound a wonderful woman
 
Being married and having a small child and being ;pregnant with a husband who works a lot of hours is a very trying experience. You would be a lot happier if you had some close friends or relatives you could turn to for some support, some relief and some plain old fun times. A young married woman who spends too much time dealing with the full responsibility of a little one for extended periods of time can get pretty sad and resentful. The best cure that I found was friendship and extended family’s help. Trust me, the pendulum will swing back and forth over the years between periods of extreme frustration and lonliness to times of great closeness and warmth. Marriage is a lot harder than it looks, isn’t it? My advice is to take the pressure off of your spouse a bit, turn to others for some of your needs for conversation, and little joys each day. Once you can relax and enjoy being a mom and a young woman, you’ll begin to see and appreciate some of those qualities in your husband that make you feel left out. No one person, no matter how much they may love us, can fulfill all the requirements we have for love and companionship. Be a kind and loving wife and mother, one day at a time and soon you’ll be past the blues. Go to Mass, pray the rosary, join a women’s group at church for young moms. Being with others who are dealing with these issues will help you. Ask Jesus and the Blessed Virgin to help you,too. I’lll pray for you.
 
Something seems to be amiss.

Seek counseling, book a Retrouvaille weekend.

Marriage is a sacrament, the job is not. Your husband is supposed to help you get to heaven. From what it sounds like, this job is becoming a god. I am guessing that if you total up the hours he works divided by his salary, he is actually bringing home very little per hour. Time to assess what is important.
 
Castello said:
Something seems to be amiss.

Seek counseling, book a Retrouvaille weekend.

Marriage is a sacrament, the job is not. Your husband is supposed to help you get to heaven. From what it sounds like, this job is becoming a god. I am guessing that if you total up the hours he works divided by his salary, he is actually bringing home very little per hour. Time to assess what is important.
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^^
This. A man with two young children cannot work every single moment and not give to his wife and children when he is home. He is acting as if he is single, just doing his own thing, and coming home to eat, sleep and play on the computer. “Unwinding” takes a lower priority than re-connecting with his spouse.

I also do not like the dreams he describes to you, yet he doesn’t want sex with you? This doesn’t sound good.
 
I too find myself in a situation very similar to yours… was on here looking for help with loneliness in marriage… 🙂 We are together in this sister! I have four children and a husband who I always want to think the best of ~but always seems to have something more important to be doing. It is hard to understand why you can say yes to so many others and not realize you are telling your family NO on the other side of that yes… It is hurtful… I feel your pain… I went to a CRHP (Christ Renews His Parish) weekend retreat and found some comfort there…brought me closer to God. It was a great way to be with women who share or have been through what we are feeling…and they will be my CRHP sisters for life! When you are lonely turn your anger with your husband into prayers and action!~ It is difficult. I just wish there was an easy answer for us…I guess I take comfort in knowing I am not alone in this walk. I am going look into the retrouville posted about earlier…

I will pray for your marriage~ God Bless you~ no matter how alone you feel right now you aren’t!. This is one of the best marriage prayers I have found in my journey…
post it somewhere he will maybe pray it…

PRAYER OF SPOUSES FOR EACH OTHER
Lord Jesus, grant that my spouse and I may have a true and understanding love for each other. Grant that we may both be filled with faith and trust. Give us the grace to live with each other in peace and harmony. May we always bear with one another’s weakness and grow from each other’s failings and grant us patience, kindness, cheerfulness and the spirit of placing the well-being of one another ahead of itself. May the love that brought us together grow and mature with each passing year. Bring us both ever closer to You through our love for each other. Let our love grow to perfection. Amen.

Hang in there! 🙂
Jesus wasn’t always happy either. Have grace for yourself!
 
  • He gets home, late dinner, doesn’t really want to talk about anything that day, just unwind on his laptop or goes straight to bed after dinner.
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I would stand my ground right there. Meaning, bounding with family FIRST and if he has time then he could go on his computer.

Anyway you can see a couple counselor so she or he can help both of you to find a solution.

I also agree that he cannot do hobby unless in involved the family together.

On the other hand, you knew this of him before you married him or all of sudden he choose that carrier? If you knew this, then you must support him somehow, if this happen afterward, then you will need to find an arbitrary such counselor to have a better plan so you both feel happy.

All the best!
 
This thread is a year and a half old…I don’t think it’s relevant anymore.
 
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