Feeling oppressed in catholic faith

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LoveAndSparkles

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I’ve written on here before about my strong desire to not have children But having a desire to be married. in a discussion group. My priest said if you don’t want children then you don’t get married.I can’t imagine being single forever, I have a strong desire to be a wife.Also less important but I don’t want to be a virgin forever I want to experience the love and closeness of sex and i think it would help me to stop my sexual sins. It’s not a bad thing to be one forever but I can’t see myself doing that. I’ve had issues controlling my sexual desires and it causes me to sin and I feel terrible every time. I ask for forgiveness but idk if it counts since I keep repeating the behavior.I don’t want to get married just because I want to have sex I just have always dreamed of being a wife and taking care of a husband. I just don’t want children in our lives. I have to take birth control for heath reasons which would help prevent an unwanted pregnancy but it’s confusing to me because that’s not the main focus.
I’ve been extremely frustrated and suffocated by all the expectations god wants us to follow. Not wanting children is something I’ve known since I was 3 please don’t say once I find someone I love I’ll change my mind. I won’t be a good mother and a kid doesn’t deserve that.
I struggle with my faith off and on now because of sins. I feel like god doesn’t want me to have a life and be happy. How can he expect people to be alone forever or have children they don’t want, or to control our sexual urges. I get masturbation is a sin because it teaches selfishness and doesn’t create a child. But if it’s preventing me from having premarital sex which I feel is worse.how do we stay pure forever when he blessed us with sexuality.
I’m in constant frustration and fear, I don’t want to turn my back on god but I wonder how do we know for sure this is what god wants, are there examples in the Bible and catechism to help me understand better.
I always looked at sex as a sacred thing between a husband and wife that brings them together as one, what doesn’t make sense to me is you have to be open to new life but why have children when you don’t desire to be a parent, I see that cause so much tension in some families and sometimes the parents resent or regret having kids.
Why can’t we get married when we don’t want children. I’ve tried dating with no luck yet.now I feel god is not gonna let a man come in my life since my intentions are not to have kids. I know for sure I’d be a good wife and I have so much love to give and honestly I feel extremely lonely not having a relationship so that I can I share romantic love in Why would god want me to be lonely and depressed.
There’s just so many things that god expects of us that make no sense to me anymore and it’s worrying me because I don’t want to lose faith or go tohell. I’m not comfortable talking to my priest about my sexual sins and I’ve been in discussions in RCIA and bible study about children and how people who don’t want them should just be alone. It makes me feel empty to not have a man in my life that I can bond with and love and spend the rest of our lives together.
 
Have you considered speaking with a counselor or clinical psychologist about your feelings regarding marriage and children? What stood out to me is your knowing that you didn’t want to have children at the age of three. Why would you have such a feeling at this young age? Maybe a counseling psychologist could discuss this with you.
 
LoveAndSparkles said:
and i think it would help me to stop my sexual sins
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Marriage doesn’t do that. In fact it would be worse because you don’t want children but enganging has a chance of producing children and then there will be problems.
LoveAndSparkles said:
I feel extremely lonely not having a relationship so that I can I share romantic love
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Romance is a messy road and there are many hardships in that path. I think it would best to find a friend or family member that you can ve with so you don’t feel lonely. But I think in general it would be good to learn how to be content by ourselves since we won’t always have someone around and it is out of our control when that happens.
 
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LoveAndSparkles said:
I’ve had issues controlling my sexual desires
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Marriage does not change the fact that you will still be called to control your desires sometimes for long stretches of time with NFP or if your partner is ill or works out of town or ‘insert other reason here’

My number one question for you is what will you do if/when you end up pregnant despite your best efforts?
 
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I go to both a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. When I was younger my friends used to play house. Someone had to play the mom and I was always saying no to that. I was a very introspective child and knew what I liked and didn’t like. I still have the same life goals I had since I was 6. I always felt like something was wrong with me because I don’t want kids.
 
Yeah I get that we won’t have sex like every dad. lol I definitely don’t expect that. I know I can keep control for a while but eventually things get built up and I need release.
If I were to end up with an unwanted pregnancy I’d end up hurting the baby up for adoption
 
Am family member or friend won’t fix the type of loneliness I’m feeling. It’s loneliness of not having a partner. There’s a certain type of affection I need and it’s not platonic. Romance is crazy ive seen my share of it and tried dating in the past but I know that’s it’s not like romance is going to wind up being a waste of time. You work through things in relationships and they aren’t alway pretty
 
Nothing is wrong with you because you don’t want kids. Not all married couples want children for a variety of reasons. However, there may be other issues connected with your not wanting kids. The links between these other issues and not wanting to be a mom is something your therapist might wish to discuss if they haven’t already done so.
 
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We discuss that a lot and she just thinks I’m not that type of person. She told me not everyone wants the same thing. I just know I wouldn’t be a good mother, because I have mental health issues and physical health issues that I focus on. I also don’t like being around kids for an extended amount of time. The most I can take is 2 days and after that I’m exhausted. I often take care of and baby sit my nephews and I just don’t get how my sister does it with having a family. I would get irritated with a baby and small child after a while. I love children I just don’t want my own. I don’t want my life to be tied down by them and then resent a chikd
 
I commend your honesty. Your views are often taboo territory as a Catholic. I do feel some people just don’t want children and that is hard to navigate as a Catholic who wants marriage. At this point, I’m neutral about it. I’m a single 40 year old woman who is enjoying life and career. I would welcome a husband if it happens and sometimes think of motherhood but at this point I’m not sure I care enough to want to be an older mother. It’s scary to talk about that with other Catholics. In your situation you don’t have the disposition and that is real and may not change. I feel for your frustration.
 
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This is a heavy cross for you, no doubt. The Catholic road can be very difficult at times and for some people compared to others. I myself find it difficult for various reasons. To be honest, I don’t really know what to say directly about the children issue. The only thing I would encourage you to do is not to give up on God or the Church. I would encourage you to try to get involved in some way in the Church, some form of service to the Church. (If you’re not already doing so.) Sometimes we just have to get outside of ourselves when we are struggling with a deep problem like this. Service has long been recognized as a path of self-discovery as well as the obvious beneficial effects for others. It can also help those of us with mental health issues in very profound ways. You may be able to make new friends. That can also help with the loneliness you feel.

The second thing I would recommend is to really pray for God’s will to be done in your life. You mentioned that you wondered if God would allow you to find a partner or not seeing as how you don’t want children and we have to say that this is a possibility. I know it seems like an impossibility right now to live your life without being married, but if you can leave just a little room inside for that possibility then God can do a lot with that. It’s hard when we have always felt like our lives were supposed to go a certain way and then we are hit with a reality that we weren’t expecting. I don’t know what you are feeling, but I suffer from several chronic disorders that make life pretty miserable and I was never expecting it to go this way. It has forced me to have to completely reevaluate and adjust to a new reality. All I can say is that it’s possible, with the power of God’s grace to accept new realities and possibilities.

And the third thing I wanted to mention is to not ever think that your sins are too many for God. Remember what Jesus said when asked how many times they were to forgive someone? He said 77 times! There’s no limit. St. Therese said that even if she had committed all the sins in the world she would still rush to Jesus and trust in his mercy.

I’ll be praying for you tonight! May God give you peace!
 
How old are you? Sometimes (not every time, but sometimes) a desire for kids comes later into adulthood.
 
LoveAndSparkles said:
Why can’t we get married when we don’t want children.
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I mean absolutely no offense, but you’re not dating anyone right now & you’re already talking about not getting married because you don’t want kids. I think we’re getting way ahead of ourselves.

Enjoy what God has given you today.

Everything you’re thinking is understandable & worth pondering, but definitely nothing worth despairing over, or becoming anxious. Keep praying… but live today & cross those bridges when you get there.
LoveAndSparkles said:
Why would god want me to be lonely and depressed.
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He wouldn’t. He came so that you would live life abundantly. He’s got your very best interest at heart, His heart. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
 
LoveAndSparkles said:
… Why can’t we get married when we don’t want children …
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It is possible to marry one that is not fertile, yet not impotent. Wanting children is not necessary but rather being open to having and raising them in the faith, as a result of marital conjugal relations is necessary.

Pope Pius XII, Address to Midwives
The matrimonial contract, which confers on the married couple the right to satisfy the inclination of nature, constitutes them in a state of life, namely, the matrimonial state. Now, on married couples, who make use of the specific act of their state, nature and the Creator impose the function of providing for the preservation of mankind. This is the characteristic service which gives rise to the peculiar value of their state, the bonum prolis . The individual and society, the people and the State, the Church itself, depend for their existence, in the order established by God, on fruitful marriages. Therefore, to embrace the matrimonial state, to use continually the faculty proper to such a state and lawful only therein, and, at the same time, to avoid its primary duty without a grave reason, would be a sin against the very nature of married life.
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LoveAndSparkles said:
… I have mental health issues and physical health issues that I focus on. …
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Health issues would be problematic in a marriage with or without children.
 
VanitasVanitatum said:
But I think in general it would be good to learn how to be content by ourselves since we won’t always have someone around and it is out of our control when that happens.
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It’s not guaranteed, of course, but some people will always have someone around. My Dad is almost 85 and he and my mother have been married 64 years. He’s lived his whole life either with his parents or with my mother, and my mother will almost certainly outlast him.
 
LoveAndSparkles said:
I always looked at sex as a sacred thing between a husband and wife that brings them together as one
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That you understand this is indeed a blessing.

While I cant know the weight of the burden you are carrying , it is obvious from your post that it is a hard one. Being much older and married and a parent, I can say that while parenthood seems intimidating, one should never underestimate the grace of God.

I encourage you to Rest in Him. Trust in Him. Stay close to Him. He already knows your difficulty and He will see you through. I can relate to some of your difficulties and I have seen the power of His hand in my own circumstances. In difficult times, He carries you (and me).

One scripture that has stayed with me is Pauls words in 2 Cor 12: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

His mercy has promise in Matt 7: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

With many prayers that you will find peace and comfort in Him who holds all our future.
 
LoveAndSparkles said:
I always looked at sex as a sacred thing between a husband and wife that brings them together as one, what doesn’t make sense to me is you have to be open to new life but why have children when you don’t desire to be a parent, I see that cause so much tension in some families and sometimes the parents resent or regret having kids.
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Remember — and this is something I think all of us struggle with — it’s not what WE desire that’s important in life but what God desires for us in this life that’s important.

So if you find a man that you want to spend the rest of your life with as a married couple, then you ought to marry him but be open to God’s will in regards to having children.

If it’s God will for you not to have children, then you won’t. But if it’s His will that you become a mother, then you should accept it with grace and humility. God will give you all the support and graces that you’ll need to be good mother to your children if you trust in God and pray for what you need to become a good mother.

Again, in our lives what is truly important is not what WE want but what God wants from us.
 
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