Feeling Pressured by DH to work (VENT)

[PaulinVA]

When I want to take a day off and “pal around” with my wife I have to schedule it at least three weeks in advance - she’s that busy.

It is so hard for some men to realize what they got themselves into when they got married. Totally giving yourself to someone, and then giving yourself to a whole family, is really hard. You need to let go and embrace your role. Took me years.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

DH and I had a talk
We decided that I would work pt, right now, while I take the last class I need to graduate with my degree (I am not going to back down when I am one class away from graduation). I will then work for 1 year while he finishes his MPA. I understand his desire to do this. He was injured in the marines and it has taken him a long time to get back to half of who he was before the incident. The fact that he is even doing a Masters degree amazes me, especially after failing out of a university because of his mental and physical problems resulting from the incident. I told him that I would do this to support him because I love him and I understand his desire to obtain his advanced degree.
We talked about the PHd and we agreed that he could wait and get some good life/world experience first.

As for me going for an advanced degree- maybe. Franciscan and a few other good orthodox schools offer distance Masters of Theology programs that I may do when we have the money to pay for a class or two.
My ultimate goal after I see him through his, however, is to have children and be home to raise them.

We talked about this during his break from work (and I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that 1) He just did taxes and bills and 2) He hates his job and despises the job he has because there are no positions in the area that his Bachelors is useful for) and we did not get a chance to talk much more because his break ended. I do, however, fully intend to discuss with him exactly where all this is coming from. He was raised in a home with a SAHM, so I figured he would embrace it. I just don’t know.

Prayers are always nice! St. joseph, patron of families and daddies, pray for us!

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Has your husband ever taken three or four days and done everything you do all day all by himself? Maybe it’s time he had a dose of reality of just how exhausting it is to keep the place sparkling and the baby clean and safe and happy, and do the shopping, cooking, laundry, bill paying, yard work and all the other myriad things he takes for granted to be done when he walks in the door and sits around all night. (At least that’s how it was in my house.) At five o’clock he clocked out. I still had about 6 hours to go of cooking, dishes, laundry, baby baths, bedtimes, cleaning up the mess and getting things set up for the next day. Incidentally, all that work will still need to be done, but you’ll have far less time to do it after a full day’s work.

He was unemployed for the 3 months before Christmas. He was the one taking care of the apartment while I was painfully finding out that teaching is not what I am meant to do. He listened to me cry my eyes out everyday as I tried to figure out where I went wrong, why my co-op and prof hated me and would not help me, and questioning whether or not the students were learning anything and if they would fail the PSSAs because of my horrible teaching. So yes, he knows what it is to be home taking care of the house.
Again, I fully intend to find out where in the world this all is coming from.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

How old is your child? An infant?

My daughter is 3 1/2 and currently attends a half day Pre-K 3 program while he works full time and I attempt to finish school. He is not her biological father.

 

[hasikelee]

You have a teaching degree, but don’t have a calling to teach. You finished a degree in basically LA. He wants to continue to graduate school for a J.D…to teach? Hopefully you guys don’t live on the east or west coast??

Do either of you have a personal desire to make sure the family has a secure financial outlook? It sounds like you don’t want to choose a career to secure finances, and he doesn’t want to, either. So you chose primary caregiver as your excuse, and he feels that now he has to pick up the burden of finances because he doesn’t have a good excuse.

Did you guys talk about this before the wedding?

Edit: I just wanted to add that I’m not criticising your choices of education as if that is your personal desire, then good for you. But, the reality exists that you guys have got to agree on who or how finances will be taken care of.

I personally want to get a J.D. purely for volunteering. But, my DH was aware of this before marriage and is willing to help finance 3 years of very expensive law school, knowing I won’t be earning the money back.

 

[duskyjewel]

The fact that he is not her bio-dad does not surprise me. I suspected that, actually. If this were his own child, I bet he would not be saying that being a SAHM is lazy. Is he resenting supporting another man’s child? Before you reflexively say “of course not” think deeply and honestly about this. Was he thrilled to take your daughter on, or did he just “accept” her as coming with you? Did your daughter like him and want him to be in your lives permanently?

I think this has a whole lot more to do with that than money or philosophies of child rearing. This is why Dr. Laura tells people with kids not to remarry, and it’s why I agree with her.

Where is your daughter’s dad, BTW? Is he involved? Does he pay support? Is he part of your current husband’s stress? Is his absence part of your current husband’s stress?

 

[PatienceAndLove]

You have a teaching degree, but don’t have a calling to teach. You finished a degree in basically LA. He wants to continue to graduate school for a J.D…to teach? Hopefully you guys don’t live on the east or west coast??

Do either of you have a personal desire to make sure the family has a secure financial outlook? It sounds like you don’t want to choose a career to secure finances, and he doesn’t want to, either. So you chose primary caregiver as your excuse, and he feels that now he has to pick up the burden of finances because he doesn’t have a good excuse.

Did you guys talk about this before the wedding?

I don’t have a teaching degree. I was supposed to get one, but left the program and will graduate with a Liberal Arts degree. He wants to be a lawyer, but ultimately wants to teach at a university or law school after getting law experience. And yes, we live in PA (east coast)
And how is primary caregiver an excuse? It is a vocation.
Where is this excuse thing coming from? Are not allowed to be slightly confused newlyweds that are trying to figure life out?

Yes, we talked about it before the wedding. At the time, I was going to graduate with a teaching degree. I thought I was being called to be a full time teacher. As I had the free time to be home with DD (as in no longer carrying 21 credits each semester to graduate before I hit the 8 year undergrad mark) I started to notice that I loved being home with her. Additionally, for reasons I would care not to list because they are slightly embarrassing, I left the teaching program at my uni about 3 weeks ago. All of this craziness has occurred in the last 3 weeks when plans that we had discussed fell apart, and neither of us does well when plans go down the tubes.

 

[duskyjewel]

Ahhh…so you changed the deal on him. He married you with no intention or expectation of having to be the sole provider.

Men don’t deal well with that. But MEN step up to the plate and do what is necessary for their families. Even if their wives come to a belated epiphany about what is good for the kids.

Stick to your guns, but acknowledge to him that you have suddenly changed the deal on him, and you know that is stressing him out. Be open to working on it with him. Go through this transformation together.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

The fact that he is not her bio-dad does not surprise me. I suspected that, actually. If this were his own child, I bet he would not be saying that being a SAHM is lazy. Is he resenting supporting another man’s child? Before you reflexively say “of course not” think deeply and honestly about this. Was he thrilled to take your daughter on, or did he just “accept” her as coming with you? Did your daughter like him and want him to be in your lives permanently?

Yes he loves her very much and accepted her whole heartedly. When we met, I told him I had a daughter and if he didn’t like it, walk away. He didn’t and strove to be a father to her, even when she rejected him. At this point, they are inseparable. If she comes into our room because of a nightmare, she goes to his side of the bed and they snuggle.
And I am appalled that you would even suggest that just because she is not his biological child that he would reject her. She, on her own, began to call him Papa because she loves him. On her own. In my experience, children pick up on when they are not wanted/desired/etc. Obviously, that is not the case.

I think this has a whole lot more to do with that than money or philosophies of child rearing. This is why Dr. Laura tells people with kids not to remarry, and it’s why I agree with her.

What is that supposed to mean? And I find Dr. Laura reprehensible.

Where is your daughter’s dad, BTW? Is he involved? Does he pay support? Is he part of your current husband’s stress? Is his absence part of your current husband’s stress?

He lives in Ohio, we have 50/50 custody that involves me driving to Pittsburgh, from Erie, every week. No, he does not pay support. No, DH could care less about DD’s father.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Ahhh…so you changed the deal on him. He married you with no intention or expectation of having to be the sole provider.

Men don’t deal well with that. But MEN step up to the plate and do what is necessary for their families. Even if their wives come to a belated epiphany about what is good for the kids.

Stick to your guns, but acknowledge to him that you have suddenly changed the deal on him, and you know that is stressing him out. Be open to working on it with him. Go through this transformation together.

I said that. Did you not see my earlier post? (no tone intended… just occurred to me that this sounds like I am exasperated or annoyed)

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

DH and I had a talk
We decided that I would work pt, right now, while I take the last class I need to graduate with my degree (I am not going to back down when I am one class away from graduation). I will then work for 1 year while he finishes his MPA. I understand his desire to do this. He was injured in the marines and it has taken him a long time to get back to half of who he was before the incident. The fact that he is even doing a Masters degree amazes me, especially after failing out of a university because of his mental and physical problems resulting from the incident. I told him that I would do this to support him because I love him and I understand his desire to obtain his advanced degree.
We talked about the PHd and we agreed that he could wait and get some good life/world experience first.

As for me going for an advanced degree- maybe. Franciscan and a few other good orthodox schools offer distance Masters of Theology programs that I may do when we have the money to pay for a class or two.
My ultimate goal after I see him through his, however, is to have children and be home to raise them.

We talked about this during his break from work (and I think a lot of this is stemming from the fact that 1) He just did taxes and bills and 2) He hates his job and despises the job he has because there are no positions in the area that his Bachelors is useful for) and we did not get a chance to talk much more because his break ended. I do, however, fully intend to discuss with him exactly where all this is coming from. He was raised in a home with a SAHM, so I figured he would embrace it. I just don’t know.

Prayers are always nice! St. joseph, patron of families and daddies, pray for us!

 

[duskyjewel]

And I am appalled that you would even suggest that just because she is not his biological child that he would reject her.

And I find Dr. Laura reprehensible.

Be appalled all you want. It happens all the time. Research has definitively shown that children with a non-biologically-related male in the home are at vastly higher risk of physical and sexual abuse (the ultimate rejection). It may not be that way in your house, but it is a well-known risk factor.

I can see how Dr. Laura’s advocacy of traditional morality and values, defense of marriage and the right of children to have their own parents raise them would be seen as reprehensible. If you ever actually listened to her program, you would know why I asked what I did about your husband. She takes calls from people where the step dad treats his bio-kids differently from the step kids all the time. And the step moms too, though less often. She tells people not to remarry because the kids have been through enough trauma from the breakup of their family, and have a right to undivided attention from their parents until they are raised and out of the house. As both a child of divorce and a dedicated mother, I fully agree with her.

You disagree, and have every right to. But I think calling her reprehensible is wierd. What is it you find reprehensible? That she’s blunt? She does call stupid, stupid, and that does make people mad.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

You disagree, and have every right to. But I think calling her reprehensible is wierd. What is it you find reprehensible? That she’s blunt? She does call stupid, stupid, and that does make people mad.

When she stated that stepparents have no right to discipline their stepchildren, I turned her off.

Thank you for your comments and concerns. I will take them under advisement.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

She tells people not to remarry because the kids have been through enough trauma from the breakup of their family, and have a right to undivided attention from their parents until they are raised and out of the house.

Since I was never married to DD’s father, there was no remarriage. As far as DD knows, I was never in a relationship with her father because I ran away from his abuse as soon as I was able to after her birth (basically, when I wised up to what he was doing to me and my family).

 

[duskyjewel]

Well, as a person whose father tried to force that issue, I have to tell you I agree with her on that too. I have a mom, and I didn’t care what Dad’s latest girl had to say about anything. And just because he married that one made no difference to me, except now I was stuck with her.

People totally disrespect their children’s point of view when it comes to these issues. They are the most affected, yet they have the least say and literally no rights. It sucks being a kid stuck in the middle of all of it.

P.S. Abuse is of course a totally appropriate reason for someone to get out. And as your DD is so young, I totally believe she sees your DH as Daddy. She has a right to have an equal level of commitment from him. She can’t help who was chosen to be her bio-dad or having lost him. Be offended at my words if you must, but I want to make sure your daughter doesn’t feel second class, especially when and if your DH has his own bio-kids with you.

 

[HouseArrest]

I don’t think it all that odd that a family would make a plan, get to the near end of it, and then decide it’s just not a good fit. Maybe that revelation initially is causing a bad reaction, and maybe after a little time to get used to the idea, your husband will be in good shape to “change gears”. I know people are supposed to talk about all that before marriage, but how can people make a promise about EVERYTHING until the end of time without ever shifting gears? People should be able to adjust. After all, sometimes our best laid plans just do not pan out even IF we are all for them!

Maybe the “lazy” comment was just that - a bad reaction - and no acknowledgement of the importance of raising children. He may “know it”, but may no be admitting it! It takes guts to stay home even if there is enough money because there could always be more. Heck my husband was for it but still needed time to realize that it’s not all fun and games at home!!!

 

[Linnyo]

Well, as a person whose father tried to force that issue, I have to tell you I agree with her on that too. I have a mom, and I didn’t care what Dad’s latest girl had to say about anything. And just because he married that one made no difference to me, except now I was stuck with her.

People totally disrespect their children’s point of view when it comes to these issues. They are the most affected, yet they have the least say and literally no rights. It sucks being a kid stuck in the middle of all of it.

P.S. Abuse is of course a totally appropriate reason for someone to get out. And as your DD is so young, I totally believe she sees your DH as Daddy. She has a right to have an equal level of commitment from him. She can’t help who was chosen to be her bio-dad or having lost him. Be offended at my words if you must, but I want to make sure your daughter doesn’t feel second class, especially when and if your DH has his own bio-kids with you.

You are speaking out of turn. Just because somebody isn’t a bio-parent does not mean they cannot be as commited as one. I am speaking from experience. I was adopted as a baby and both of my parents were as committed or more committed than any bioparent. There is no reason why love and patience’s husband should not be as committed this. She has already talked about the reasons for his worries and most of them are financial.

 

[whatevergirl]

I type this without hesitation–I have a fulltime career–a great job that I really like–but-on any day of the week, I find my tasks at home to be more challenging. I am in the car more, as the preverbial taxi driver on the weekend, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, teaching my son piano, helping kids with projects, and the list goes on and on. So, being a sahm is not easy!

I was a SAHM for several years when the kids were younger, and loved it, but once they started in grade school, I went back to work. My dh was laid off at that time from work, and thankfully, I had a decent job–to support things during that time. That could be a little of what your dh is feeling–just the ‘what if’ if something were to happen. I believe that a woman should have something to fall back on, should something like this happen. We never had financial support from outside of our marriage. My parents died when I was a kid, and what they left me is long since spent on my college education, etc…My dh’s mom and dad had 9 kids, and so there just wasn’t any money to rely on except for what we have…and by the grace of God, we have been fortunate to be doing well over the years. God will provide the answers. I think that your dh could just be a little concerned with the future, and the what if’s of if something happened to his job. It’s natural, in this day and age, to feel that way. Now our kids are 11 and 15, and dh is home by 3:30pm, just in time for them to be home from school…which I follow around 5:30pm, so there’s not the same need that we had for someone to be home all day, like in their younger days.

Maybe something parttime could be a good solution, right now?

I will keep you in my prayers. Just keep dialogue open and honest…(and calm) between you both, and I’m sure you’ll come to a resolution that makes sense for everyone.

 

[duskyjewel]

You are speaking out of turn. Just because somebody isn’t a bio-parent does not mean they cannot be as commited as one. I am speaking from experience. I was adopted as a baby and both of my parents were as committed or more committed than any bioparent. There is no reason why love and patience’s husband should not be as committed this. She has already talked about the reasons for his worries and most of them are financial.

The post you quoted was about stepparents disciplining. Not about anyone’s commitment, and certainly NOT about adoption, which is completely different.

 

[rayne89]

Well, as a person whose father tried to force that issue, I have to tell you I agree with her on that too. I have a mom, and I didn’t care what Dad’s latest girl had to say about anything. And just because he married that one made no difference to me, except now I was stuck with her.

People totally disrespect their children’s point of view when it comes to these issues. They are the most affected, yet they have the least say and literally no rights. It sucks being a kid stuck in the middle of all of it.

P.S. Abuse is of course a totally appropriate reason for someone to get out. And as your DD is so young, I totally believe she sees your DH as Daddy. She has a right to have an equal level of commitment from him. She can’t help who was chosen to be her bio-dad or having lost him. Be offended at my words if you must, but I want to make sure your daughter doesn’t feel second class, especially when and if your DH has his own bio-kids with you.

Dusky you are going totally off topic. The OP didn’t come for your opinion about step families or about about physical and/ or sexual abuse of children. She asked about being pressured to work by her hubby. And in my opinion you are being rude.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Dusky you are going totally off topic. The OP didn’t come for your opinion about step families or about about physical and/ or sexual abuse of children. She asked about being pressured to work by her hubby. And in my opinion you are being rude.

Thank you.
But I have no problems with duskyjewel. I understand what she is saying and I appreciate her comments and her concern.
Now that I have had a few hours to cool off, and to talk to DH for a good while, things are better understood now.
Converstations are never very productive when each person is hurting the others feelings.
DH did not mean to say SAHM were lazy. We all say things in the heat of the moment that do no one any good. Right now, with where we are financially, me being at home would not be productive. I have agreed to work PT while I finish this semester, and then will work for a year or so for him to finish school. To me, it is only fair for me to do that.

Again, thank you all for your help and I appreciate it.
I hope this thread can end on a positive note.